My Jim

by Nancy Rawles

  We aint never been in a boat fore that and we scared the river gods gonna get us. Me and Jenny we holds onto Mama and Cora. Mas Watson sit in front with his wife and baby. He marry right after I born and the baby come right after that. She old as me and older than Jenny but she still a baby. Cant do nothing but play and sleep and eat. Me and Jenny already know how to wash and sew.

  Mas find slaves can pole a keelboat upstream in angry water. Boat pile high with people and furniture. I scared of the river all the boats and people but the polemens singing calm me down. Me and Jenny we hides when the steamboat pass. It make so much noise like the end of the world. Mama and Cora scared too. Mas Watson laugh and wave.

  Our last day in the river baby reach out the boat for a dragonfly. I sees her fall in. The river sweep her downstream fore her folks realize she gone. One of them polemens catch her by the foot and pull her out the water. We come to Hannibal soon after that.

  Mama take up with the man save Little Miss. She bear three more babies for him. One die of swine fever but the other two grow to be boys. Mas hire them out to the tobacco factory in town. We only sees them at Christmas. I aint knows them if I sees them again.

  Jim become my brother. He stand up and walk early so he can follow me round the yard. I gives him corn to feed the chickens. He pretty like a girl. The white of his eye blue like a birds egg. Eyelashes all curl up. One fall in his eye you think he being beat he holler so loud.

  All us children runs round in clothes so bare we might as well wears nothing. Jim wear clothes his mistress give him. The others aint like to see him in his clothes. They push him down in the dirt and tear them off him. I aint tries to stop them. I covets his clothes too.

  Mama say Jim aint regular. He got that double sight she say. Looking forward and backward at the same time.

  I cant sees what she talking bout. Jim dont want to do nothing but play. Look to me like he mighty regular that way. Specially when it come to working. Aint got no talent I can sees but running round singing a teasing song. You tell him do something he dont want to do and he fix you with a stare that can run you right through. Cora got to switch him just to make him tote water. He get the bucket and forget the water. I finds him standing on the upturn bucket reaching for some blackberries. He want the ones all the way at the top.

  Jim a good size fore he come to the fields. Mas use him round the house serving and fetching. He dont know what to do in the fields. I tries to show him how to find the worms and pick them off the tobacco plants.

  Emma the crew leader. She lead the work songs. She make a little song for Jim bout a boy scared of a snake getting in his pants. Emma say least Jim can sing. Thats my Jim I says. Folks laughing at him.

  Mas Watson got a slave driver name of Tailor. When he still young Mas hire him out to the tailor in town. He work hard and make Mas good money. Every year Mas get a little more for his labor. But Mas got trouble keeping drivers. Last driver drink hisself to death and Mas say he never gonna hire no white driver again. He call back Tailor to drive us. Tailor drive us harder than the whites. He mad bout being call back from town. Folks say he got a wife in town. Free woman gonna buy him. But she never buy Tailor and he die a slave just like the day he born.

  Mas Watson send Jim to the fields cause one of the mens sick with the gout. Tailor go hard on Jim cause he spoilt. Jim get whip if he cant keep up. Tailor work him harder than the other children. Make him run the rows carrying water on his head. Beat him if he spill any.

  One day Jim aint come when they ring the bell.

  Tailor say where your boy.

  I pretends I aint knows who he talking bout. We been working for weeks with no break. They push us into the fields before dawn. We moves heavy like shadows. Only a string of light showing itself in the sky. Aint barely lay down and time to get up.

  What boy I says.

  The one you give birth to. Tailor laugh. Some the other mens laugh too. Ever since I starts to fill out they like to tease me. Mama tell them leave me be.

  Jim sick she tell Tailor.

  He aint sick Tailor say. He lazy. You go and tell him to tote his black ass out here.

  He cant work now Mama say. He take with the fever in the night. You wait till he cure.

  Mama aint look at Tailor. Just keep walking down the tobacco road.

  I gonna cure him Tailor say. This gonna cure him.

  He crack his whip over Mamas back. She bend down low but aint let out a sound. Everybody else keep walking. Mama get back up and start walking too. Everybody walk but me.

  I tries to move fore Tailor notice me standing there. But my feet chain to the ground.

  What you looking at. Tailor fix his eyes on me. You go and get your boy. You run and fetch your Jim. So I can cures him real good.

  I shakes when he talk to me. Mama narrow her eyes. I starts to run off. Tailors whip sting the back of my leg and I stumbles. I knows better than to fall. Stupid niggers I hears him spit. Whip crack again. I turns round to see Mama on her hands and knees in the dirt. I starts back to help her.

  Tailor looking at me to see what I gonna do. I meets his eyes. He stomp his foot on the ground like a horse bout to charge. I runs fast as I can to the cabins.

  Jim laying on his pallet. He trembling with the chills and his body wet like a man been working all day. You got to get up I tells him. You got to come show Tailor you sick.

  He aint say nothing. Just moan. I puts my hand on his forehead. I hears his teeth rattling round in his head. He aint stir no matter what I says.

  I been gone too long so I starts back to the fields. Tailor act like he aint seen me. They got the field fire going and he standing over it warming hisself. I goes to my row and starts in to worming. I knows he gonna hit me. I just aint knows when.

  He wait till the day almost gone. We gathering our sacks and starting for the cabins.

  Where you going gal.

  I hears Tailors voice over my shoulder. He got two other mens with him. When I turns round they grab me and hold me down. I screams. They pull my dress over my eyes. I thinks he gonna whip me but he dont. He shake his pipe over me. Ash burn my arm and stomach. I yells so loud Mas Watson come to his window. He look out at the fields but night already falling. His eyes cant see me.

  Emma help Mama pick me up. They cuss Tailor and the other mens. Them mens aint do nothing but laugh.

  My body on fire. It hurt to be held. I tries to walk between Mama and Emma but I cant stops shaking. The fires in my head. I wants to take a iron to Tailor. I wants to burn his cabin down.

  Put your arm round my neck Mama say. We makes you a poultice to stop the burning. Dont worry bout Tailor. I gonna put something on him. He aint never gonna bother us again.

  When we gets to the cabin she rub me with witch hazel salve. She make a poultice of burdock leaves and put it on my stomach. She rub some dough in lard and linseed oil and wrap it round my arm. I sees where the whip tear open her back. Let me put some salve on you Mama. You keep quiet she say and I gonna make you some five finger tea. You best to drink it slow.

  Mama work the fields all day and tend the sick all night. She barely look up when I brings her biscuit and gravy. I tries to help her with her cures but sometimes I falls asleep. She wake me up to mind the sick babies. I cares for Jim when he fall down with the ague. He talking in tongues like a body possess. Cora say he burnt up in the head. He gonna be half crazy when he wake up she say. But every morning I makes him a tea of dandelion root and Indian ginger. And every night I gives him syrup from the bark of a river ash. Fore long he get better.

  When Jim come to he can see. Not ordinary things but things nobody else can see. Cora say he born with the veil. But I aint remember him born with nothing but a cord round his neck.

  He tell everybody a great water coming to take the living and the dead. That fall the river flood so bad half the town floating. Tailor in town walking near the graveyard when it happen. He seen bodies big like rotten wood drifting down Main Street and catching on horse draws.
He watch it all from a tree. After the river go back down townsfolk call niggers to clean up the mess. Tailor say he stepping on bones scatter in mud. They gather the bodies and move the graveyard to higher ground.

  After that Jim say the sky gonna fall. White folks laugh at him but us niggers believes. In our world the sky always falling. One cold night we in the cabins sleeping close together to stay warm. Mas Watson ring the bell and wake us up. He say come see the sky falling. We all scared to death. Not Jim. He the first one out the cabins.

  Now the fever done left him he talk all the time. And grown folks listen. All us slaves comes out the cabins slowly. We walks close together holding onto each other. The night bright as day and all the stars falling from the sky. I never forgets it.

  Jim take me by the hand and lead me close to the Watsons. They all wrap up in they coats. Pointing up at the sky and smiling. I never seen the Watsons so happy. They give us a taste of hot cider. Jim walk me back to the cabins. Almost time to light the fires for morning. He whisper to me that night. I loves you all my life he say. Till the sky falls again. I never forgets it.

  Folks hear bout how Jim can see and they start coming to Clear Creek. He tell bout frost ruining the crops and boys falling through the ice on the river. He know bout other things too. Like when a mare gonna foal or who gonna shoot the first turkey. Tailor cant touch Jim now.

  We gots winter things to do. We mends our clothes and turns over our gardens. Us womens and girls gathers to sew quilts while the mens butcher the hogs.

  Jim aint with us much these days. Young Miss Watson want him with her all the time. He my Jim she tell everybody. He my nigger. Every day she want to know who she gonna marry. Aint no bigger than Jim and she asking who she gonna marry. Thats all she got to look forward to. I tells Jim to keep his mouth shut. He might can tell the weather and what the plants and animals gonna do. He might even know something bout us slaves. But he aint know nothing bout white folks and they doings.

  Jim all full with hisself and he aint listening to me. He tell Miss Watson she aint gonna never marry nobody. She scream Daddy whip this nigger cause this nigger done curse me. But Mas Watson just laugh. He say thats how it gonna be since she got to take care of him in his old age. She aint need to marry. He give her Jim for a present.

  I aint knows why she want Jim and not a girl to wait on her. She keep him busy taking care of her horse. He work her garden and tote her water. He sleep where the horses sleep. I aint sees him much. And when we sees each other we aint says a word. The woods the only place to talk.

  The Watsons Baptists so we Baptists. They read the Bible. Mas come read the Ten Commandments to us from time to time. He tell us to obey.

  We gots a slave preacher name of Stowe. He a old man too old for work. He talk good bout Moses and them Israelites so Mas Watson like him. We gots Sunday service in the smokehouse when the tobacco aint drying. Harvest time Mas Watson dont say nothing bout Jesus. We aint got souls when the tobacco curing.

  Whites always telling us dont steal dont lie dont cheat. And here they come stealing us and lying to us and cheating us out our freedom. They beat us with the word just as sure as they beat us with the whip.

  On Saturdays when Mas meets with the Baptists in Bear Creek we meets in the woods and dance the old religion. We stays till Sunday morning. Mas forbid the drum so we claps our hands to catch the spirits. Folks falling out and seeing all manner of gods. Mama love them gatherings but I scared when I still a girl. Aint wants to leave my body. Now thats all I wants. I lives for the nights when unseen things can make a old body sweat and jump.

  Ever since I learns to walk I follows Mama to the woods and open fields. We gathers roots and leaves and flowers. She take my hand and show me the feel and shape of the things. The heart leaf of burr seed and how the burrs stick to your clothes. Soapweed with the white bell flower and leaf like a long knife. Bloodroot leaves reaching up like hands. Red fruit of the burning bush so pretty in the snow.

  Look Mama say. A cardinal in a red tree. Thats good luck Sadie. Come and smell the sassafras.

  I takes in everything she do. This one for the fever. This one for the cough. These you crush for the stomach. This a cure for worms.

  Tea from the milkweed for consumption. Wintergreen keep the babies from coming. Sweet sap from the sycamore help with dressing wounds. Fall root of the blue iris for poison. Butterfly weed for pleurisy. Five finger for all kind of things. Mama say five finger roots look like us slaves dancing.

  One night in the woods we dancing and calling the spirits when a great light pass in the sky. It aint like the night the sky fall and Jim aint seem to know nothing bout it. Mama say its the spirits on fire. The spirits of Mama Africa. They light up the sky so we can sees them. They want us to know they coming. She say after tonight many womens gonna carry babies. These the babies gonna carry our freedom.

  That night Mama come home with a fever and after that she always got some pain or sickness. She aint old but her hair start to turn and her voice barely a whisper. She go from being sturdy like a root to soft like a flower. Now when we goes to the woods I holds her arm.

  One day when I aint yet grown she take me to town with her. Its my first time in Hannibal. Mas Watson got a friend with the dropsy and he want Mama to lay her hands on him. Its close to winter and Mas take us in the buggy. He talk to Mama bout his problems. I never knows Mas to have any problems. All his problems with us slaves. One die he get another. One born he got a big smile. Mama listen and speak her mind.

  I crushes the snakeroot to give to Mas friend. After Mama finish her work Mas take us by the dry goods shop. He point to a bolt of fabric and tell the clerk how many yards he want. We waits in the street outside the shop. I hears a girl screaming in the yard of the house next to the shop. She bout my age. She cry cause her mas beating her with a stick. Dont look Mama say. She take my hand and pull me to where I cant sees. Mas Watson come out the shop carrying some seed and the fabric and some oil for the lamps. Later he give Mama the fabric to sew us some clothes.

  On the way back to Clear Creek Mama tell me the girl I seen beat was our Jenny. My sister Mas take in the wagon. We both cries a little but we wipes our eyes fore Mas can see us. She his Jenny too. But he aint crying over her.

  Last I remembers of my mama we walking in the woods. We goes one Sunday early morning. No bell ringing Sunday morning. We sets out in the dark while other folks sleeping. Lots of sickness then. You can hear folks coughing and moaning in they sleep. We aint comes back to eat. We eats what we finds.

  You all the way remember Sadie. Poison leaf and root for killing. Dont use it less you got to.

  All day we spends together in the woods. We aint goes back till after dark. Thats the only day I ever spends with just my mama. Next Sunday she gone.

  Malaria carry her off. It come through and take so many of the people. Mama try to cure herself with black snakeroot and oil from hemp seeds. I gets some bark from the burning bush and boils it down for her. I gathers some blackberry roots and leaves. She drink tobacco water. She all the way say tobacco leaf good for everything. Dressing wounds. Soothing tired eyes. Frostbite. Fore she die she say she can smell her daddys pipe again. It wake her in the night and she think he come to take her home. After she die we covers her body with the tobacco leaf. It keep the smell away.

  Tailor make the box for her. He darn her clothes. Him and Mama known each other from young days. They come west together with Mas.

  We puts her in the graveyard. With stones we marks the place. We lays the stones in a cross and a circle. White folks got big markers standing with letters carve by slaves. Stonecutters aint spose to read the letters just carve them. Mas Watson let us put stones on Mamas grave but she aint got no name.

  Cora sing the mourning song and we all cries the song till it die away. Then we goes back to work.

  My mama name Liza. She nothing but a girl when Mas Watson take her from Virginia to Missouri. She say she born the year Jefferson buy Louisiana. Thats a unlu
cky year for colored folks cause thats the same year white folks start talking bout going to the territories.

  They leave right after the harvest. Mas daddy say it too late in the year and Mas need to wait till the spring. But he dont listen to his daddy. He think he grown and got his own mind. So they start out early one morning soon as the sun come up. Mama wearing a old coat give her by Mas mama.

  Mamas family mad bout Mas stealing they Liza. Her mama cry and beg him not to take her only girl. She bring the Congo bowl and give it to her daughter. Tell her this bowl keep her safe.

  Congo cross come over with the Africa people. Circle round it look like the earth. Cross in the middle with arms stretching out like a wheel. Spinning till it come home.

  Center of the cross where the spirit touch down. You put whatever you want for healing right on that spot. Then you pound it till it take in the power of the bowl. Mama keep it with her all her days.

  They walk cross the mountains from Lynchburg. Mas Watsons daddy give him Cora too. She young but strong like the mens. She chop wood and push a plow. Skillet ham flour lard tools salt rope bacon squash. She tote it all over the mountains. Cora can work and carry two babies at the same time. Both her twin babies die fore she leave Virginia. Mama her daughter now.

  Mama say she so tired she cry when they get to Charleston. She tall but she skinny and not too strong. All that way over the mountains she carry a cask of tobacco in a sheet tie to her back. On her head she carry a kettle with jars of blackberry jam wrap in calico. Congo bowl she tie in a rag wrap round her hand. Inside the bowl she got blackberry root and columbine seeds. In her pocket she hide the knife she stole. Feet so sore from toting all them things. Load for grown womens and she aint even half grown. When they get to Charleston Cora rub her feet with garlic.

  In Charleston Mas purchase six slaves. Young mens all of them. Mas Watson young hisself. He purchase him a ox cart. Mama glad to load up the cart and not have to carry nothing but her bowl. Mama and Cora sit in the cart top all Mas things. Mas sit in front with his gun. Two the young mens walk longside the ox. Other four follow behind the cart.