My Jim

by Nancy Rawles

  By the time they get to Louisville they hands burning from the cold. Mas Watson got a brother there and thats where he plan to settle. But Mas and the brother argue. Mas want to sell him the ox cart but his brother dont want it. He aint gonna pay Mas for the young mens either. Mas call his brother a thief. One of them young mens try to run off. Mas brother set the dogs on him. They leave Louisville the next morning.

  Mas know a Virginian in Cape Girardeau. So he trade the ox cart for a flatboat and they start down the Ohio. He got them niggers chain together cept when they pole the boat. Even then they got chains on they feet.

  Wind on the river cold and sharp. Mas Watson wearing gloves and a hat of fox fur. Cora and Mama both wrap inside Mamas new old coat. They waiting to get someplace they can build a fire. When they come upon Cairo Mama say she never so happy to see a dirty river town.

  Mas dont want to stay long in Cairo. Mama say he scared he gonna lose his slaves. Somebody might put a gun on him and snatch them. But Cora say they cant walk no more. One of the men fall down. They cant drag the body with them. Mas got to unchain them so they can rest. But Mas too tired to hold his gun on them. So he pay a boy to find him a place to lock his niggers up for the night. The boy take that coin and dont come back.

  Mas march them dead tired slaves over to the street below the dock. Got some men over there watching two dogs fight. They betting who gonna win. Mama say one a big dog with dirty brown hair. The other one smaller and coal black. Black dog pin the other one down and go for his throat. She so scared watching them dogs fight she soil her dress.

  Mas pay the owner of the black dog to mind his niggers while he go to sleep. Fore he lay down they separate the mens from each other. Each one tied up to a post under the dock. They got to sleep standing up. Cora and Mama lay down in a crate near the black dog. All night long that dog run at the crate while his owner laugh. Him and his friends bet on who that dog gonna eat for breakfast. Mama say thats all she remember of Cairo. A dogs bloody breath and teeth.

  Next morning they set out from Cairo in the dark. They walking long the banks when the earth start to thunder and everybody fall. Ground buck like a wild horse and throw them off its back. Noise so loud Mama say she know the world bout to end. Deer sliding off the bluff. Bluff falling in the river. River rising up and snatching trees. Birds and pigs screaming in fear.

  Mama pray. Kettle go rolling down the riverbank. Bowl go flying out her hand. Cora grab her hair and say they going home now sure. She say it in they language. River gods rising up to carry us off. We spirits now. Like the people carry off from Congo. Never seen no more till we come back in our grandchildren.

  Then they hear the young mens shouting. They sliding down the banks to the river. If one go aint nothing the others can do but tumble down behind him. They all chain together. Mud gonna swallow them up every one. Mama feel sorry for them young mens. They yelling and wailing. But one of them catch onto the root of a hanging tree and they scramble back up the bank.

  Mama say she never seen no white so scared as Mas Watson the day the earth tremble. He scared he gonna lose all his money. All his money in slaves. But he aint loss a one. Them young mens work for him all they days till one by one they die from the consumption. That Mississippi mud come up and choke them one by one. Only Tailor survive past his young days. And he a man hard like stone.

  I aint never feels no love for the river. River stretching tween me and my freedom. Jim say the river the road to freedom. I says the river the home of the spirits. Muddy with all them bodies trying to cross over.

  When the shaking and the rolling stop Mama see they all still there. She pick up her bowl and tie it to her head. It take them more than a week to make they way to Cape Girardeau. Most the time they walking in mud. They try to stay away from the wet sand. Got to step over trees all tangle together. Sometimes they walk on the trees. Fog hanging over them and people wandering round in a daze.

  They pass close to a Shawnee village ruin by the quake. Indian womens singing a mourning song. Cora say it put to mind a African song her grandmama sing when she a child. All the way to Cape Girardeau she sing that mourning song. We sings it again when Mama die.

  After Mama die Mas call on me to tend the sick. Babies burning with every kind of fever. Mens laying in they waste. Womens weak and heavy with what bout to be born. They work right up till they time come. Mas dont abide no womens sickness. Ones aint dying got to work. I works the fields cept when they need me in the cabins. I gets sick but I comes through.

  That time we loss so many. Nobody know what come over us. Children loss they parents and parents loss they children. Bout twenty of us fore the scourge. Time all the dying done we only twelve. Mas Watson cuss all up and down the farm. Miss Watson go to town with her mama and big sister.

  All us still standing works till we covered in tobacco syrup. Soon as Miss Watson gone Mas put Jim back in the fields. He bigger by then and his fingers aint so slow. It bring me comfort to see him. Say he dream bout spirits leaving they bodies but Mas Watson dont let him tell nobody. Say in his dream I stumbles but gets up again. He give me a string to wear round my ankle. Gonna tie me to the earth. He still my brother.

  I makes a friend of a new gal Mas buy on a trip to St. Louis. We works side by side every day. That gal got a good heart. I never knows another like her. She the kind of friend see you with a wasting illness and give you her only piece of fatback. She cry with me bout my mama. Her own mama die when she born. Hold me close to her like she my new mama. I never forgets that gal. She name Gwen.

  We together for the last of our childhood. I aint seen her leave. Mas sell her to pay a debt when the tobacco freeze. Sell her to Judge Durman. Meanest mas in the county. Gwen real pretty. Thats why he want her. Old Miss the one make Mas sell her.

  After Mas sell Gwen I weak with sorrow. Mama gone and I feels all lone in the world. Emma sing but I cant follows.

  Jim off working on Stone School. He work the quarry. Pick and shovel give him blisters. Bleeding hands. Heat like a furnace. River rock. Walls of huge limestone blocks. Niggers cant go to school but we helps build schools for the white children.

  In Hannibal I seen them white children running barefoot. They got shoes for church and school. Day I gets shoes I gonna wear them all the time.

  I keeps Mamas knife close in my pocket. And I hides the Congo bowl in Coras cabin where I sleeps. Mas give Mamas cabin to some mens he hire to get the crop in. I worries Mamas spirit gonna come looking for me and wont know where to find me.

  I the last of my family on Mas Watsons place. Mama the first and I the last. I remembers how she use to beg Mas for word of her peoples in Virginia. Every year theys less and less till its only us in Missouri. Now only me. After Mama leave I aint sleeps for a year. I works all day and cries all night.

  One day Mas Watson take me to town cause he got a friend been with the pox. She white as can be but pox aint know no color. Mas tell me to make a poultice to scare the marks away. I gathers the burr seed root and crushes it with some salt and leaf. I makes a paste with cornmeal and wraps it in a cheesecloth. My hands shake when I puts the paste on her cheeks. I scared if I makes a mistake they gonna take me out and beat me. Or sell me down the river. I scared if Mas Watsons friend die he gonna say I the one done kill her.

  Jim come long in the wagon. He see how scared I looks and try to get me laughing. Tell me he seen a real good life for me with lots of loving in it. That make me laugh good. First time Jim really do something for me. Fore its all the way me doing for him. But his voice getting deeper and his shoulders thicker. He getting away from his boyhood.

  Mas Watson must of seen it too cause he hire Jim out to work the levee. Jim work unloading steamers. We aint sees each other much after that. Mas Watsons friend get better and we goes back to the farm. Jim stay on the waterfront. Thats when my troubles start.

  Mas Watson tell Old Miss what a good job I done laying on the leaves. She say if Sadie that good send her to Mas Stevens place and see if sh
e cant work a cure on him. They both laugh when she say that but I shaking all over.

  I only seen Mas Stevens once and he aint seen me. He just come to Clear Creek when Mas say he aint really a farmer. Say he kill his horses working them too hard. A wagon pass with two long lines of niggers walking half dead behind it. Mas Stevens got a overseer name of Banes. He a poor white from town used to driving workers at the tobacco factory. He loss his job when he hit a worker with a piece of iron ore. Kill him on the spot. Man he kill name of York. York belong to Judge Durman. Judge say Banes owe him Yorks price. Say nobody gonna kill his slave but him.

  We working the fields by the tobacco road when they pass. Tailor tell us not to look. We looks anyhow. They make for a sorrowful sight. Emma change what we singing from work song to mourning song. She use a verse bout Babylon that Preacher Stowe done give us. That way we lets them know we sees them.

  After they pass another wagon come by. This one got Mas Stevens driving it. He white with red eyes. He whipping the horses. Cept they aint horses they people. Niggers too beat to cry. We cries for them.

  Emma run for the road. Tailor go after her. Nobody know what she fixing to do. Tailor grab her arm and pull her back but he aint hit her. She fall to the ground and he leave her there. Yell at us to keep working. You aint never seen no nigger get beat he say. He shaking when he say it. From that day on I fears Mas Stevens.

  More and more Mas Watson send me to work cures for the whites. That way he make more money off me. When white doctor say there aint nothing he can do white folks send for Sadie. They figure I cant makes them no worse. They cussing me all the while I tries to make them better. You stupid girl. You doing it wrong. Dont give me none of that nigger tonic. I ought to learn you some manners.

  I scared all the time. I pounds seeds and roots and leaves like my mama learn me. Sometime it work. Sometime no. Them times I waits to see if they gonna take me to jail. Saying I done poison them.

  I aint gots no mind to poison no white. I aint wants that trouble. Only niggers talking bout killing ones gone mad from sorrow. Most of us wants to see white folks happy and I aint no different. When they happy they let us be. When they aint then nobody suffer like we does. They find every way to lead us to grief. So I tries my best to keep them peaceable. But most the time it aint in my power.

  The other niggers want to know why I aint in the fields. Why she get to go to town. She think she something they say. Spending her time with white folks. Soon she gonna turn white and think we her slaves.

  When I works the fields aint nobody by my side. Tailor hard on me cause I spending time indoors and he outside forever. He take every chance to kick and beat me. Nobody seem to mind. I aint gots no mama. I aint gots no Gwen. Cora at the cabins with the children. Jim on the waterfront. Only Emma there and she cant pay me no mind or the others give her trouble.

  I grown but I aint feels grown. I feels loss with nobody to love on me. Pretty soon I looks for the white folks to call. I looks for them to call me from the fields to tend they near dead. I looks for them to take me into they houses and feed me in they kitchens.

  I aint been inside much fore then. I only seen the inside of Mas Watsons house once. He call me in from the fields to tend to Old Miss. She got that chill in her body but me I aint never feels so warm. No smoke burning my eyes like in the cabins. I breathes real good in that house. They got light from the windows. Not just pinches of sun coming through the chinks.

  The day Mas Watson call me to go to Mas Stevens my heart beat low in my chest. He say Mas Stevens cut hisself. White doctor cant get there in time.

  I takes some wild geranium root and some leaves from the burr seed. My feet cracked from the cold but I hurries on down the road with Mas Stevens gal. I brings my knife with me. And my bowl.

  We gets to the house and all the slaves lined up like somebody dead. Mas Stevens gal show me the bedroom door then she run fast down them stairs like she seen a ghost.

  Mas Stevens laying up in bed with his red eyes all glassy with fever. He got a wet cloth on his forehead and his face all sweaty. When I comes in the room he turn his head to see who I be. He tap his cane on the floor for me to move closer.

  I sees the blood then. He got his shirt stuff inside a wound in his stomach. Knife wound what it look like to me. Blood going purple. Like looking at a sow cut open for breach. Room smell like a stable. Like nobody done empty the slop.

  He call me to him. When I leans over to hear what he gonna say he spit in my ear. Tobacco juice. I feels his nastiness running down my neck but I aint dares touch it. Just lets it run onto my shoulder. I holds his eyes steady so he cant try nothing else.

  Whats wrong nigger. You aint never seen no cut.

  He got a bottle of whiskey next to his bed and a old slave woman sitting behind it.

  Mas Stevens want you to put some leaf on him she say. Help him breathe better.

  She look down the whole time she talking to me. Look like she made out of paper she so thin. Burnt tobacco bout to fly away. When she finish talking she look up and I sees one eye half close and the other one loose. She see me looking at her eye and turn away.

  He need a poultice for his stomach I says. Give this root to the cook. Tell her pound it for a powder and send it back with a paste of milk and egg and flour. Take these leaves and wilt them by the fire. And I gonna need some soap and hot water and dandelion juice. Stack of clean linens too.

  She disappear. Soon she come back with the juice.

  I takes some mint from my pocket. Mas Stevens eyes close and he breathing hard. I puts the mint on his chest and backs away again.

  Then I hears his voice. Dont bring your dirty hands bout me gal. You been rolling round in the dust.

  I comes in from the fields Mas. I runs straight here from the fields when they tell me you hurt.

  He tap his cane and the old woman appear behind him.

  Take this dusty gal and wash her up he say.

  I cleans my hands when the hot water come I tells her. You go and see if it ready.

  She hurry away. Mas raise his cane like he fixing to strike me.

  I grabs it and tries to take it from him. He tap it on the floor but nobody come. I peels his fingers from the handle one by one. Each one burning with fever but his grip still hard. He cuss me where he lay. Never take his eyes off me. He burn them red eyes into me. I feels cold all over.

  I goes to touch his forehead and he grab my hand. Put his teeth on it and bite down hard. I aint dares scream but now my eyes on fire.

  I grabs hold the bottle and throws some whiskey on him. He cry out in pain. Howl just like he human but I knows better. Devil gonna howl if you get the best of him. I puts the bottle to his mouth and pours it down his throat.

  When the old woman come back she find me sitting in her chair. She see that something wrong but she look down. She got the water and some soap powder and paste. She carrying the fresh linen on her head. Her head slump down. I tells her put it all on the bureau.

  I gots my hand in my pocket. Touching my knife.

  I takes the water and dips a cloth in it. I presses it in my hands and dips it again. Whole time Mas Stevens staring at me. He looking at his teeth marks on my hand. He reach out and try to touch it. I pulls away. I cleans my wound fore I cleans his.

  I tells the old woman to bring me some snakeroot.

  How much you want.

  Plenty to fill my bowl I says.

  She make her way down the stairs.

  You aint gonna poison me you black witch. What you need snakeroot for Mas Stevens say.

  I makes you a salve with snakeroot to help bring the skin back together.

  I wants to see everything you making he say. I aint gonna take nothing from your hand.

  Why you call for me then I says.

  I aint calls for no slave doctor he say. Mas Watson send you cause he aint want me to die. He like having me next door. I worth more than any overseer to him. His slaves fat and happy next to mine. He aint even got to tell you
niggers he gonna sell you down river. All he got to say he gonna sell you to me. He try to laugh but he just hack.

  Mas Watson a good Christian he say. Praying for the devil. Think the devil got a soul. What you think.

  I says I aint studying no devil. But if I ever does I sure aint gonna pray he live. I prays he choke to death on his own venom.

  He make a whistling sound when he laugh. You betta make sure the Lord hear your prayers he say. Cause if that devil live you aint want to be nowhere round.

  I looks away when he say that. I gots Mamas knife in my pocket and I puts my fingers on it. That old woman aint come back and I stands there thinking I be done with him fore she do. Fixing to cut him cross the tongue. Gonna grab his nose with my hand and when he open his mouth gonna slash him real quick. I tries my best to save him I tells anybody want to know. I tries but it too late. Mas choke on his own blood.

  I aint even scared bout going to jail. I cant believes a soul in the whole of Marion County gonna miss Mas Stevens. They just divide up his farm like they do when one of them die. Take it for scraps. And everybody be better off.

  I gots the knife in my hand when the old woman come back with the snakeroot. She staring at me like she seen a ghost. You watch me I says as I takes a root from her hand. I cuts the root this way. Then I puts it in the water. Then I mixes in some mint to cool it off. You watch what I does. Stir that round with some sycamore bark. Cap full of whiskey. Drop of the patients blood.

  She jump when I calls Mas Stevens my patient. Like I the one rule over him. Just for that moment I feels I does rule over him. Cause I the one that let him live. I could of cut him with her there. What she gonna say. She look at the floor and let me do what I wants.

  I feels like one of them slaves aint got no better sense than to kill they mas. Thats how mad Mas Stevens make me. He one of them white folks aint got a soul. No light in his eyes. His house all close up too. All stale and dark. I wants to finish him off but he put something on me. I can hardly moves my hands. My fingers aching and stiff. Aint know what evil he put on me.