My Jim

by Nancy Rawles

  The herbs aint working so I tries talking to the baby. Babies like seedlings. If they know what they gonna be put to they aint gonna grow. Not if they gonna be burn or maim. Not if they gonna be chew in somebodys mouth or stuff in somebodys pipe. They wither and die fore they serve that use. If you talk to a baby fore it come and tell it what use it gonna be put to you aint need no root or bark or nothing. Just talk. Children hear you good fore they come into the light. You whisper what the road be like and they aint gonna make the journey. Now if you talk to the baby and tell it the truth and it still want to come aint nothing you can do to stop it. Thats a spirit child.

  I dont says nothing to Jim till he feel the round of my belly. By that time spring here. You got me a boy in there he say. Boy with big eyes and big teeth. Big old head gonna hurt when it come out. He say he seen it. He dream it.

  That summer I carries the baby right up under my heart. Every time I bends down it bump up against my ribs. Sweat running off my face and I all the time thirsty. Tailor leave me be.

  Harvest time come and we works to bring in the crop. I bout to drop. I walking ahead looking for spots on the leaves and thems with curl at the tip. I gots a curve knife to split the stalk. Emma coming behind me with the stick picking up the ones I puts down. Jim loading the sticks in the wagon and driving them to the curing barn. I aint gots time to look for him. They bring us food in the field and we keeps on working. I gets so dizzy I falls out. Emma pull me back up.

  You need to eat something she say.

  She call one of the children to bring me some corn and water. She watching me close.

  Coming your time she say.

  I still gots a little while I says. Baby aint drop down.

  Whats wrong with you getting big for harvest time. You the one claim you aint having no babies.

  I tries to tell her this one coming cause Jim seen it.

  You aint nothing but two fools one bigger than the other Emma say. He aint seen a damn thing. You talking like them Africans. If he can see so much how come he cant see his way to freedom. He aint gonna bring you nothing but sorrow. Thats what I sees.

  Soon as the barn full they build the fires. Children tending them day and night. So hot up in there one of them boys pass out and they bring him to me. I so tired I can barely stands. The heat of them long days too much for me and I can feels the baby bout to come. I puts my hands on that boy and I feels him getting cold. Jim say aint nothing I can do. Boy aint got no water in him. He dry like a tobacco leaf.

  Tailor tell me to make the boy better so he can get back to work. We brings him water but we cant gets it down him. He die the next day.

  Day after that my Lizbeth born. She come screaming into the world.

  When the harvest finish Mas give us a supper. He gonna marry whoever he say can marry. Jim ask him bout us but Mas say he got another gal in mind for Jim. Jim say he aint gonna marry nobody but me. Mas say he gonna marry who Mas want him to.

  Jim come to me in the cabin. He powerful mad. He throw his hat on the ground. Say he aint gonna work for Mas no more. Say he aint gonna work for no white.

  I says dont matter what Mas say. He let you jump the broom but he aint giving you no papers. You can marry yourself good as Mas can marry you.

  So thats what we done. We marries ourself the next Saturday in the yard. Cora say some words over us and we as much marry as if Mas done it hisself. We jumps the broom under the black walnut tree.

  The baby the one marry us Jim say. He change after Lizbeth come. He cant keep his mind on his sorting work. Putting the leaf in the wrong piles. Every day he come home beat. I puts the witch hazel grease on his back. He cry like a baby and let me hold him.

  He all the time talk bout running off. I thinks on what Emma say. I aint gonna run with no baby I tells him. And I aint leaving her behind. You promise you aint gonna run without us.

  He promise. But he all the way change now. He worry day and night over that baby. More he worry the stronger he get.

  While we turning the soil he humming to hisself a little freedom song. Deep river he sing. My home rest over Jordan. It catch in his throat and he aint want to sing nothing else. We all picks it up. We works sowing the bed till our fingers like icicles. We rubs them to bring the feeling back. I rubs Jims in front the fire. Smoke fill the cabin and the baby coughing. She breathing heavy. That winter heavy on all of us.

  Spring come like always and the baby live. She hungry all the time. She feed at Cora and feed at me both.

  Mas Watson hire me out to a doctor in town. I says why you gonna make me leave my baby Mas. He say he need the money.

  Doc Renard use quinine for everything. He say I aint knows nothing bout healing. My job to clean the place. I gots to boil all the sheets and tools and clean all the blood away. He say medicine too clever for niggers. Say us niggers believes in ghosts and thats why we aint knows nothing. We scared of our own shadows.

  He send me to the college to warm up a body. Go first thing in the morning he say. Make it nice and soft so I can cuts it open. He laugh when he say it. He make his eyes big.

  I seen lots of dead bodies so I aint scared to do it. But I scared of the college and them young mens. So I goes in the night.

  I takes a lantern and walks up the hill to the college. I carries a kettle and some wood for a fire. On my back I gots a bundle of tobacco leaf. I gonna get me some water at the college well and build me a fire to boil the sheets. Then I plans to lay them sheets over that hard cold body till morning come. I gonna keep on boiling them sheets all night long and when Doc get there in the morning his body be warm and waiting.

  I does just like I plans with the sheets. I wrings them out with the fire tongs and carries them on a platter. In my pipe I gots some bark from the sassafras root. I smokes it to quiet the smell.

  When I gets to the room with the body I puts down my lantern and opens the door real slow. I sees a black man laying on the table. He a old man and black like a African. It make me sick to think bout Doc cutting on him. He got scars all over his body. He already been cut too much. I cant tells how he die or where he from or how come Doc got him here. But I feels for him. And I aint minds being the last one to see him fore Doc cut him up. I gonna wash his body gentle. I gonna wash his old tired feet and sing a mourning song.

  I does all that and keeps boiling more water and bringing more sheets. I lays some tobacco leaf on his chest and covers his manhood. Gives him the respect of a elder. I aint never knows my grandpapa and I looks at this man and wonders bout his children. How come they aint bury him. Maybe they far away. Maybe Doc stole a dead man.

  Whole room warm and moist with the steam from the sheets. I falls asleep sitting on a stool with my pipe still in my mouth. Close to morning when the spirit come. I feels it touch my arm. When I opens my eyes the old man looking at me.

  Make me shiver all over. But I looks back to see if he breathing. Then I gets up and shuts his eyes.

  I aint goes back to Doc Renard. I goes home to Clear Creek instead. I tells Mas my story and he dont make me go back. When I gets home Lizbeth walking. She dont know me.

  Jims eyes big with tears when he see me. We aint says nothing to each other. Not that morning or that night. He wash me with soapweed to bury the smell of the dead.

  Thats a hard season. Everything dark round Clear Creek. Rain falling steady and leaves hanging low. Body turn up in Bird Slough. Body of Nerium Todd. Jim know him from the waterfront. He gone missing close to Christmas. They find him in the water all cut up.

  Jim say us niggers gots hard times coming but he aint say when. Just maybe spring a good time to make a move. Baby still small enough to sleep on my back. Mas aint got the money to hire no dogs to come after us.

  So we makes our plans. We gonna run to the Stone School. Theys a church that meet there. Jim say they got a hole under the pulpit. A hole for hiding niggers. They gonna help us get to the dentist in Quincy. And then we goes to Canaan.

  I worries whether the whites at Stone School
aint like the Murrell gang that take away Jims father. And if Jim aint like his father believing in things that white folks tell him. Things that aint true.

  Spring come and I cant keeps nothing down. My bleeding never come. I finds some chicory by the side of the road and uses it to settle me down. I aint breathes a word to Jim. This baby gonna be born in Canaan. Aint never gonna be a slave. This baby I gonna keep.

  We waits for the night we leaving. Saturday night. All day long we watches and waits. We planning to be halfway to Quincy by Sunday night fore anyone know we gone. That morning I helps Cora with the washing. I wants to hold her close and ask her to come with us. But I cant for fear she say no. She the first one Mas gonna talk to when he realize we aint there.

  The clouds getting dark when Miss Watson call for us. She going to Bear Creek to get religion. She want Jim to drive her and she want me to come long to tend a Baptist girl. I looks at Jim and he sweating. But he hitch up the buggy and we gets in. I sits cross from Miss Watson but we aint says anything to each other.

  When we gets to Bear Creek Miss Watson tell us to go on in. Dont be scared she say. Niggers come to service before.

  Jim got his hat on so he take it off. We listens to the white preacher talk bout hell and the devil in our hearts. We stiff as logs me and Jim. Outside its starting to storm.

  After the service Jim drive us over to the house of the Baptist girl. She big with child. All swole up and red. While I rubs her with columbine salve white folks talk bout some slaves trying to sue for they freedom. Any nigger try to take me to court aint gonna live to tell bout it. Thats what they saying.

  Miss Watson say Sadie you go tell Jim to put the horse in the stable with the others. We aint gonna make it home tonight. He can sleep in the stable. You go bed down behind the stove.

  In the morning trees down from the storm so we goes a different way home. Sun shining bright through the leaves. Air clean of winter smoke. Miss Watson talk to me bout God. I listens and says yes maam. Inside I all tore up. I knows Jim feel the same.

  When we gets home Cora standing with the baby. Say Lizbeth been looking for us. Show your mama and daddy how you can wave your hand she say. Lizbeth open and close her little fingers. Jim take her and hold her to him. He kiss Cora on both cheeks.

  Our plans ruin for now. Sunday pass slow. Nobody left at the Stone School to show us to the hole and cover us with the pulpit. Nobody to row us cross the river to Quincy.

  That night I tells Jim what I hears the white folks at Bear Creek talking bout. He say they talking bout Dred and Harriet. He say all the Baptist slaves talking bout it too. Them St. Louis niggers got some nerve they say. Dressing like white folks and acting like them too.

  Jim say he believe thats why Miss Watson bring him back from the waterfront. She must of hear tell of slaves running off with abolitionists. Jim say we can makes it to freedom if we can gets ourself onto a steamer. He got a plan. One day when all the white folks falling sick Miss Watson gonna ask us to town. When we gets there he gonna sneak off and talk to his friend loading the steamboats. He gonna find out which one the abolitionists on.

  Jim say his friend make good money working the docks. Getting money from abolitionists and taking it from poor niggers he aint never gonna see again. And never gonna claim to know if he do see. Jim say his friend gonna be so rich time he get his own boat to Cairo he aint never gonna have to work again.

  We might finds trouble he say. White folks know we the Watsons niggers. But the abolitionists can make up papers saying they owns us. Jim say he gonna wait for a good time when we done with our work and wont be miss. Then we gonna walk over to the docks. We gonna walk separate case of trouble. When his friend point out the whites with our papers Jim come find me in my hiding place under the levee. Then we boards the steamer with papers and new owners. We gets off at Cairo Illinois. Then we free.

  I aint so sure bout none of that. Only niggers I knows run off come back dead. But when I looks at Jim and sees him pining for his freedom I knows he need me to believe. Getting back to the rivers all he can think about. Crossing Jordan.

  When he run I gonna runs with him. We leaves Lizbeth with Cora. When we gets our freedom we gonna work to buy our Lizbeth. Cora too. Thats the only way I can thinks on it. Lizbeth think Cora her mama true.

  Planting season come and we bides our time. Jim say we aint gonna try the Stone School again cause what happen was a sign. The spirits keeping us safe. Saying go this way not that way. Jim say we gots to listen real close for our spirit guides. They the ones gonna take us to freedom.

  We gots our own cabin now but we acts like we aint together. Jim think it cause I mad at him for something or sad bout still being here. But I dont wants him to feel my belly and see how hard it be.

  Miss Watson got it in her mind to save our souls. On Saturday after we quits working she gather us for prayer. She bring Preacher Stowe to see who want to be baptize. Who want to be save.

  Stowe all the time talking bout heaven. Getting to the other side and resting in the Lord. I so sick with wanting my freedom I cant stands to hear no sermons. Folks all the time singing bout campground. I just wants to lay my head down on Jims chest and never gets up. Nobody to bother us. Thats my heaven.

  The tobacco aint no taller than my finger when I feels the baby swimming round in my belly. Freedom seem farther and farther off and I aint sure it ever gonna come. I cant gives Mas another baby. Lizbeth safe with Cora. Jim still a young man. He say he already seen his freedom. But he never say he seen mine.

  I starts for the woods but I never gets there. I comes to the pond at the edge of the woods. Pond where Jim bring the horses to drink. I takes off my dress. Aint no moon that night. Pond aint deep but its plenty deep for drowning. I climbs down in the water. My whole body shake. I leans back till I feels the water holding me. I just lays there looking at the night. I feels the baby floating inside me. I dips myself under and stays down. It feel free under the water. I comes up laughing. Then I falls back down. I feels my body getting bigger. I gets scared and lets it raise up again. Then I goes under for a long time till I feels the breath leaving me.

  Jim find me like that floating.

  Whats wrong with you gal.

  He wade in the pond and carry me out. I shivers in the night air. He hold me to him.

  You gone and loss your mind.

  Then he see we gots another child coming. I cant gives Mas another child I sobs. I goes to my grave fore I gives Mas another child.

  You hush now he say. Thats Lizbeths child. She ask for him and he gonna come no matter what you do. You aint want to give our baby girl some company. You selfish thats all. Trying to sneak off and get rid of Lizbeths baby. What I gonna say to her when she grow up and ask what happen to her mama. She drown herself cause she aint want to give you some company.

  I cries and cries.

  We names the baby Jonnie.

  Next year the same as before. We sows and plows in winter. Nurses the seedlings long in spring till they ready to be move during rainy season. Topping and suckering in the heat of the summer. Pulling off the worms till time for the harvest and curing. Tired of healing folks just so they can go back to the fields.

  Jonnie learn to walk. Lizbeth feeding the chickens. The other children run and play but she all the way watching for the workers. Waiting for us to come in from the fields. Every night she bring me water. I aint gots to tell her. She wash my feet. She comb her daddys hair. Aint but a little thing but she already trying to sew. We gots two children to leave or take. Me and Jim we aint talks no more bout running.

  Then Lizbeth take with the fever. I brings her butterfly weed and garlic and five finger root and burr seed. But I worries she aint gonna come through. Cora look after her. I aint trusts myself. If she leave me I be sorrow. If she leave me I be joy. She such a feeling child. I aint wants her to suffer.

  Cora take good care of Lizbeth till she can stand on her own. Then she come back to the cabin. She stand in the door her skin gray like ash.
Jim tell her to shut the door cause she letting in the cold. But she aint follow him.

  He tell her again but she just stand there. Aint say a word.

  Jim feeling hard them days. I can tells he all the time thinking bout Nerium Todd. We barely talks to each other. Jonnie teething. He crying all the time. And here Lizbeth acting like she aint know her daddy.

  If you make me raise up off this floor he tell her I gonna spank you good. Still she aint do like he say.

  Leave her be I says to him. She aint right. She still with the fever. It aint leave her head.

  I gonna knock it out her head he say.

  But fore he can grab her the winds come up and throw the door shut. Lizbeth never move.

  Look to me like she frozen. I gets up and puts my arm round her. I pulls her to me. Her little heart beating like horses being whip. Jim come up on her and yell something in her ear. Then he pick her up and cry.

  Thats when we knows she cant hear nothing. That scarlet fever take her hearing. Now all three of us gots tears rolling down our faces.

  Jonnie see us crying and he start to bawl. Screaming so loud we starts to laugh. Jim look at Lizbeth. She aint know why we laughing but she smile. You lucky you cant hear your brother cry no more Jim say. She smile at him.

  Jim fix his mind on making money. He gonna buy our freedom. Folks give him money for seeing things. You want him to see something you gotta ante up. Put the money in the hat. After a year he got almost fifty dollars. But fifty dollars wont buy you nothing but a half dead nigger. Not even one of Jonnies toes.

  I watches my husband sink. We starts laying together again but half the time he turn away. Everything remind him of the freedom he cant have.

  One day he in town when they running the hogs to the stockyards. He say them hogs running so fast like they running for they freedom. They slaves being run to market.

  White folks picking up and rushing off to California to find them some gold. Jim say he wish Mas go to California. He go to California we go to Canada. They got gold in Canaan true.

  All up and down the river folks talking bout Moses. Say she stealing niggers and taking them north. She keep going back but them patrollers never catch her. She make it with whole groups of women and children. If she can make it we makes it. We already north.