My Jim

by Nancy Rawles

  Cholera strike that summer and Jim take sick. He bring it from town. Mas say we gots to build a sickhouse far cross the field. He put Jim in there. I brings him blackberry leaves and roots and twig tea from the witch hazel. Mas say he dont want me tending to Jim. He buy a old woman for fifty dollars and make her work in there.

  We gots yellow fever that winter. And a slave name Ben blame for killing two white children. He hang for all to see. The cholera back again in spring. Jim all right but Jonnie in the sickhouse. In Georgia a white looking gal and her black husband buy they own tickets to freedom. Then we all fugitives. Even if we runs away Mas got the right to cross the border and steal us back.

  Mas Stevens slaves dropping one by one. They aint gots no sickhouse to go to. Mas Watson try hard not to lose any of us. He let us kill the chickens for food. And he make his own medicine of hot lemon water and honey for the folks in the sickhouse. He let the mothers come in to nurse and he let the ones with child leave the fields when they sick. Folks say Mas getting old so he aint one to be mean no more.

  But one day Cora drop a child and the next day he dead. Mas come to the cabins to find Cora and beat her.

  Jim say he gonna lose all his teeth and both his eyes fore he let Mas whip Cora. Jim look at Mas and say it real calm. You aint gonna whip none of us again.

  Mas Watson turn red as hot coal. What you talking bout nigger.

  I telling you what I seen Mas. I seen my death if you touch Cora with that whip.

  Mas turn the whip on Jim but Jim dont let him use it. He grab it from Mas hand and strike the ground. Then he throw the whip aside. It lay in the dust like the skin of a snake.

  Jim take Mas by the arm and lead him back to the house. Mas shaking but Jim walking real steady. Rest of us turns and walks back to the cabin with Cora. Nobody ever say nothing bout it.

  Mas take sick real bad next winter. Cant talk cant walk cant barely breathe. Jim got to lift him out the bed. They bring in the white doctor. Thats how we knows he bad off.

  All us niggers pray.

  Mas always say he free us when he die. He looking so frail we thinking maybe thats our freedom. Jim say he aint got long.

  Time Mas Watson die it snowing. He sick so long nobody figure he ever gonna die. Then one day he gone and Miss Watson crying. We bows our heads when Jim carry him out.

  And waits to hear what come of us.

  One week after the burial Miss Watson call Tailor to the farmhouse. Theys lots of whites coming and going from the house. Colored folks in the house hearing all kind of talk bout what Mas Watson owe. We scared for ourselves.

  Tailor aint come back till late. What yall waiting on me for he say. He look at the ground and spit. Mas Watson aint free nobody but hisself he say. The rest of us gonna be free in hell.

  We all sick then. Jim say dont worry whatever happen we gonna be together. He say he seen it. But aint nobody in the cabins sleep that night. Some of us fights all night. Some of us prays and sings.

  My Lord he call me by the thunder. The trumpet sound within my soul. I aint gots long to stay here.

  In the morning Tailor order us to dust ourself off. Nobody want a dirty nigger he say.

  They sell us with the furniture. Folks wailing and moaning. First they sell off the plows and wagons. Then they sell the horses and pigs. We all shivering near the stables. Folks got pee running down they legs. Frost on the ground and we aint gots no shoes. White folks come all bundle up to look at us. Most of them aint got money for slaves. They there for the plates and the silver.

  They call us into the curing barn. Less than twenty of us altogether. I clings to my children. Lizbeth cant hear but she know what everybody saying. She holding onto my skirt. Jonnie aint know he bout to be sold. His eyes real dark and big. More white folks than he ever seen.

  Miss Watson aint come to the sale. She hide up in the house.

  I knows some of them whites cause I done doctors them. I hopes one of them take pity on me and buy me with my family.

  We looking everywhere for Jim. Cant finds him nowhere. They selling Mas desk and bed. We next on the block. Thats when I falls to the floor. Jim aint going with us. Miss Watson decide to keep him. A present from her daddy. She got him lock up somewhere till the sale over. Then she gonna take him with her to her sisters place in town.

  They carry off the furniture. Now the whole place go quiet.

  We gots some fine niggers here. Best in the county. Every one of them sound. Strong and hearty. Mas Watson a good Christian man. He feed his niggers salt pork and let them grow they own greens. First one we got here Emma. She work hard as any man.

  Emma cry out when she hear her name.

  Mas Stevens come up in the back of the crowd. He sitting on his horse in his high boots.

  How much you want for them oxen the farm and all the niggers he say.

  Aint a sound in the room when he say that.

  Then Emma start to scream. Cora join in moaning. Then all us women wails like we in Africa. Mas Stevens fire his gun.

  I gives you twenty thousand dollars he say.

  Sold.

  That night the mourning songs pass from cabin to cabin. Nobody sleep that night. Lizbeth and Jonnie ask me where they daddy. Why he aint here with the rest of us.

  He somewhere safe I says. He gonna come and steal us away.

  I turns to the wall when I says it. Everywhere the wall patch with black walnut tar. I stares at the wall like I trying to find a way out.

  That night my knife come back. Cora the one got it all long.

  What you want with my knife I asks her.

  You bout to hurt somebody you love. Thats why I takes it she say. That knife for healing. You gonna need that knife where you going. Make sure you put it to good use.

  Cora never make it to Mas Stevens place. She die in a fit while the rest of us gathering our things. We buries her in the Watsons graveyard. We hurries to lay the tobacco leaf over her body and covers her with the ground. Jim put two pieces of limestone for a marker.

  Folks try to take what little furniture they has. But Mas Stevens say to leave it. We gots everything you need he say. He tell Banes to march us over to his place.

  Banes smell of whiskey. Folks say his job to beat us to death and keep Mas Stevens in whiskey. Banes order some of Mas Stevens niggers to burn our cabins. Folks sobbing now. Grown folks sobbing like children to see they cabins burn.

  I cant looks. I keeps the fires at my back. I pushes the children on ahead of me. At Mas Stevens place the children toil longside they parents. Nobody watch over them. Lizbeth cry as we walk. She thinking of Cora I spects.

  Cora in a better place I says. And soon we gonna be too.

  I knows she cant hear me but she take my hand. She all the way try to make me feel better.

  Mas Stevens waiting for us on his horse. I scared when I looks at him. I scared of his boots. His boots and his cane. All these years later I still feels that cane pushing me from behind.

  I dont wants my children to know I scared so I looks up instead of down when he talk to us. He look at me too. I aint knows if he remember me but I remembers him.

  He show us the cabins. You gonna double up he say. That mean he gonna put us in with his niggers. They aint nothing but skin and bones and they looking at us like we makes a good meal. You think you something. You aint nothing now. Thats what they eyes be saying.

  The cabins full of holes. Mas Stevens aint give them no paper to patch the holes. He put me and Lizbeth and Jonnie in with his cook.

  Mas Stevens cook name Fortune. He say he name her that cause thats what she cost him. She aint know bout cooking and Mas aint give her nothing to cook with. Her real work making babies. She like to be big. Mas let her come in out the fields when she want. Anytime but high summer. She got to work then big or not. So far she give Mas seven children. Soon as they can work Mas sell them off.

  One day I asks Fortune why she aint use no herb to keep Mas away from her.

  She look at me like I crazy. What
I wants to keep Mas away for she say. I owns Mas. I eats Mas alive she say. I takes everything he got then I wipes him away. White the easiest color to wipe away in this world. Easiest thing to get rid of. All you got to do is mix it up with something else. Soon they gonna be more and more of us. And we gonna be the mas and the miss. She laugh when she say it.

  I aint laughs with her. If you owns Mas I says why you let him sell all your children away from you.

  She mad now. I aint no fool she say. I makes him sell them. What I wants them to stay here for. I makes him feed them and sell them. We eating meat while all you niggers eating cornpone. I makes sure Mas aint sell my children to no traders. They all got to stay near to me. The little ones go to the laundress or the seamstress. When they bigger they go to the factory. Childrens fingers good for rolling them cigars. The big boys work the quarry. The girls hire on in the shops. I sees them at the holiday. They come back and visit they old mama they do. One of these days they gonna come and steal me away. What your children gonna do for you.

  I thinks of my children and I shamed. All they got to eat is cornmeal. Anything else got to come from our garden. Mas work us so hard we barely gots time to work for ourselves. I gives my children turnip root and turnip greens. They find berries. Lizbeth catch a fish. But all the time we looking for meat. Mas dont let us keep guns to hunt. And he dont let us keep pigs and chickens. Any meat on the place his. Last nigger kill a chicken had to eat it while it still warm. Head first. Feathers and all.

  I looks for the one eye woman I seen when I first comes to Mas Stevens place. I aint sees her nowheres. I figures she long dead. She nothing but bones then. Now I twice as old so she must be twice as dead.

  Us slaves from Mas Watsons place works faster and better than the others. But soon we starts to slow down. The work the same but aint nothing to eat. The children so hungry they cry all the time. Then they stop crying altogether. Just moan and bite they lips.

  First week on the place Tailor run off. Say he aint gonna work for Mas Stevens and he sure aint gonna work for Banes. He gone a long time fore they find him. When they bring him out the woods he got a wild look in his eye. Banes put him in the stock and whip him till he dead. Even the white folks say Mas Stevens crazy. Killing a nigger he can sell for good money.

  I longs for Jim but I aint wants Mas Stevens to catch sight of him. He better off with Miss Watson. She see the value in him. Mas Stevens see the man. He got to beat Jim down till he a boy. Aint no mens work for Mas Stevens. I scared he gonna kill Jim if he come round. Just like he let Banes kill Tailor.

  But Jim aint scared. He come to me one night skin all shiny with sweat. He been running like he running from ghosts.

  Where Fortune he say.

  She sleeping with Mas. Only time she aint sleeping with Mas when she having his baby.

  Miss Watson at a camp meeting he say. All the whites over at the camp meeting. Even Mas Stevens. All the good Christian whites and the bad ones too. Some the niggers even there. Hearing bout not sparing the rod. He laugh.

  Got his hat in his hand. Inside he got the ball of a ox. Say he come cross the ox in the bramble. He recognize it as Mas Watsons ox. Mas Stevens done half starve it. Jim say if he aint come cross it the ox bleed to death since one of his balls hanging off his hind. Jim take his knife and cut it free. Quick cut to stop the blood. Mud to cover the wound. Then he get a stick and beat the ox back to the farm. But first he let it feed on dandelion greens.

  He want me to take the ball and cook it on the fire. If he eat it he get the strength of ten mens.

  I aint cooking nothing tonight I says. Cant you see the children already asleep. What you think the smell of meat gonna do to them. Fore you know it Jonnie gonna be shouting bout his daddy home. And Banes gonna come over here with his whip. You hush now and lay down.

  I makes him a little pallet next to mine but I aint wants him to touch me. It might hurt too much. Weeks now I aint feels his touch. Cant stands to feel him for a night then not find him in the morning.

  He honor my wishes but I sees he sad. When he go to leave I holds onto him. I fears he aint coming back so I starts to cry. Jim say he better go fore they miss him at the camp meeting.

  He come three more times. Each time he bring us some meat. He blow on the children and wake them up right fore he leave. I opens to him again. I weak and I opens. He hold me like he carrying a seedling. I cries cause I knows I cant keeps him.

  For a long time I aint seen him. Every night I listens for his whistle. One night my soul heavy like the day he born. I sees his mama and my mama too. I thinks of his cord underneath that white oak. I sees my hand cutting his cord with my mamas knife. I hides my face.

  It raining heavy but I knows in my bones Jim coming to me. I sends the children to sleep with Emma. They dont needs to hear the things men and women do when they long for what they cant keep.

  Jim come to me with a five cent piece round his neck. Say he took it from some white boys to keep the devil at bay. Say the devil roaming all round Hannibal looking to snatch a nigger like him and sell him down the river. But that coin he tie round his neck gonna keep him tied to them boys in town. So he cant never be sold away from here.

  I needs you for my old age I says. Me and the children needs you.

  He aint going nowhere he tell me. You got something belong to somebody else they aint gonna let you go till they get it back. Thats why I gots this five cent piece round my neck.

  You got my heart belong to me I says.

  You aint never gonna lose me he say.

  You love that hat more than you love me I says. You sooner part with me than that hat.

  He laugh his good strong laugh. I scared one of Mas Stevens niggers might hear us. Then he kiss me and I aint thinking bout them.

  If you love me you leave me that hat.

  He look at me all serious. That hat aint nothing to me he say. He grab it and run out the door into the rain. Come back with it full up with water. Trying to hold it so he aint spill none but water spilling all over the clean dirt floor.

  Now I the one laughing. I aint asks you for no water I says.

  But you need some he say. Sitting up in here all hot and bother in front this fire like you aint got no time for your husband. He sure to be beat for coming to see you and you act like he a man free to come and go as he please.

  He pull me down to him. But the more he touch me the more I cries. After awhile he fall sleep. I stays awake watching the fire burn itself out.

  When the fire go out I gets up and feels for his hat. I all the way wakes him fore the bell sound and fore I light the morning fire. But this time I cant stands to think of him gone and me with nothing of his smell. I takes his hat and cuts a little piece off it with my knife. A three point piece.

  I gets the fire going again and lays back down. Fore I knows it the bell ringing. I wakes up in a fright. Jim still at my side.

  Banes waiting for him this time. He tie Jim hisself. Jim aint fight.

  Jonnie run out into the yard. He going straight for his daddy. I pulls him back and holds him close to me.

  What you niggers looking at Banes say. Go on to the fields fore I beats you all.

  I makes Lizbeth and Jonnie walk in front of me.

  Banes want to hurt him. Say they aint many stripes on Jims back. If you was my nigger I just as soon kill you he say. We hears the whip breaking but we keeps walking.

  We aint sees or hears nothing of Jim after that.

  Every day I worries more. My chest hurt I so lonely for him. The children grow weak cause they aint got they daddy to bring them meat.

  One morning Emma wake me up to tell me Jim run off. At first I aint believes it. I knows my Jim. He aint gonna run without coming for me and the children. But Emma say he done run off without us.

  Him and me we talks bout running the last time we together. Cant leaves the children with Mas Stevens we says. No telling what gonna happen to them. Jonnie just a little boy but Lizbeth already with the womens. They plenty
old to run. So I knows it aint true that Jim gone off without us.

  I aint believe it till the patrollers come round. They got they dogs and they looking for Jim.

  He been here aint he.

  I aint seen him I says.

  They throw me on the ground in front of my children.

  You lying nigger.

  They take out the whip.

  I gots nothing to tell you.

  They start hitting me.

  It raining that day too. Been raining a long time. Round the cabins aint nothing but mud. I laying face down in the mud and the mud feel cool gainst my skin. I thinks of myself face down in the river. Swallow up by them muddy waters.

  Jonnie screaming. He grab hold to Emma. I cant sees Lizbeth. She hiding like I all the way tells her to.

  They put the dogs on me. They barking and sniffing. I can sees they gums. I covers my head. I cant hears nothing cept the barking in my ears.

  Then the gun go off. The patrollers call the dogs back. Mas Stevens come see whats going on.

  You leave my nigger lone he say. I takes care of her.

  He stamp his cane on the ground.

  Two niggers pick me up and drag me to the packhouse. Quiet in there. The tobacco still low in the fields and everything just watching and waiting. They tie me up with a looping stick under my knees.

  My arms pull back behind me. My bones stretch long like the limbs on a sycamore. Lord I be pain. And what they doing with my children.

  I tries to sleep but its hard to let myself fall away. I thinks I aint never gonna come back. I close my eyes when I cant keeps them open but I aint knows sleep. My throat so parched I cant cries out if I wants to. The blood from the beating sticking to my back. The mud still on my face. I tries to hold on cause I cant leaves my children. Not like this. I wants them to see me strong again.

  Days fore they lets me out the packhouse. When they open the door they find me pass out.

  I comes to in the fields. I scared they already find Jim. And they taking me out so I can sees his shame.