She’d cooked a lovely dinner for Emilia, which they both enjoyed, and things went really well until Jenny told her that she loved her and Nellie, too, and wanted to be with both of them at the same time. Emilia was shocked at first and then became enraged. Emilia had become more and furious and actually compared Jenny to Emilia’s ex-boyfriend Robin, who was a real dickhead. After the fiery redhead had stormed out, Jenny got drunk on what was left of the wine she’d bought for what she’d meant to be a romantic dinner.
Listening to Jenny, I really felt for her, even though I hated this kind of lesbian drama. I could hardly blame Jenny for the fact that taking my advice seriously had turned out so badly for her. Still, I was totally convinced that only brutal honesty could make such a triad work. Even though my heart hurt for Jenny, I realized that I needed to keep a cool head. The band had work to do, and I needed to see that our Baby Doll got her shit together.
When Jenny finished her sad story, I took her hand and held it for a moment. I turned to her and locked eyes with her. “All right, Sweetheart. Now I think the only thing you can do right now is to give Emilia a chance to cool off, before you try to talk to her again.”
Ina nodded ruefully, while Nellie looked at her lover with concern, biting her bottom lip. Jenny looked at me in amazement, as if it hadn’t occurred to her that things between her and Emilia might not be over yet.
I smiled at her calmly. “I know it’s hard for you, Baby Doll,” I went on, “but obviously your Emilia’s got a bad fucking temper. Yet, maybe that’s better as if she’d swallowed everything and then dropped a bomb. We had that only recently. So, I think you need to give her time to think about what she’s going to do next.”
Ina smiled at Jenny encouragingly and gave her a handkerchief. Nellie looked at me gratefully, as her lover wiped away her tears.
After giving Jenny a moment to pull herself together a little, I rose to my feet and nodded to her, smiling. “Now, Jenny, I know just what you need to make you feel better. Go get your bass und join us.”
Our black-haired beauty did as she was told, while Ina and I strode to the center of our rehearsal room, where our electric guitars were on a stand. One look, and Nellie and Ina understood my change of plans. Immediately switching into full Bitch Goddess mode, I growled, “And now, we’re gonna rock, My Heavy Metal Bitches!”
I smiled coolly as I pointed at Nellie behind her drum kit. “Gimme a beat, Nell, like this.” I pounded out a rhythm with the heel of one of my Doc Martens and clapped my hands. Our pretty drummer flashed me a quick grin and nodded, realizing immediately what I had in mind, and began to lay down a solid beat for us. Turning around, I pointed at Jenny, flashing her my tigress smile, and said fiercely, “Now tell me, Baby Bitch, who is rock for?”
Jenny realized which song we were going to play. Her face lit up as though she’d forgotten last night’s drama and this morning’s hangover for the moment. Grinning back at me she screamed, “Rock is for Savages!”
I flashed a savage grin at her and snarled into the microphone, “That’s what I fuckin’ want to hear, Baby Bitch.” With that we launched into a truly savage version of our song that had us banging our heads within moments. And we went on playing hard and fast until we were exhausted and covered with sweat. By then we were all grinning like maniacs, drunk on adrenaline.
Once again I had a sense that there was something binding us all together, something that was greater and deeper than just any band’s chemistry. We were a family, one that was bound together by love, respect, and rock music. It was strange, but I had a feeling that Jenny belonged more to us than Caro had ever had.
After we were done playing, the four of us went back to the farmhouse. We ordered pizza and drank a good local Lager with it. Jenny seemed to be much better right now, and I knew I could trust Nellie to look after her.
That was the moment when I suddenly felt physically exhausted and emotionally drained, as if someone had pulled the plug. I felt an urge to get my own shit together, but somehow I didn’t feel up to it.
I felt Ina’s eyes on me and she seemed to sense what I was feeling. She knew me so well after all these years! She reached across the table, took my hand, and led me upstairs to her bedroom. For once I was the one who followed her like a puppy.
Once there, she kissed me tenderly, and slowly she undressed me. She made me lay down on her bed, and once I was lying comfortably, she resumed kissing and stroking me tenderly. Soon our kisses became more passionately, and she ended up by making love to me. My orgasm took all my energy left. I closed my eyes and dozed off in Ina’s arms.
When I woke up the next morning, I was lying on my side. Opening my eyes I found myself looking straight into Ina’s blue ones. She was propped up on one elbow, smiling at me inscrutably.
“Good morning, Princess,” I whispered hoarsely, my throat still dry. Maybe it was because of the garlic pizza and beer?
Ina smiled faintly. “”Good morning, Bitch Goddess,” she replied, kissing me gently on my lips and caressing my cheek. She propped herself up on her elbow again, and went back to gazing at me enigmatically.
Feeling a little unnerved by the way Ina was staring at me, I turned around and reached for the bottle of water standing next to her bed. I drank half of it in a few eager gulps. When I turned back around, Ina was still studying me, and this time I thought I could see concern in her eyes.
Mystified and a little annoyed I blurted out. “Why the fuck are you staring at me like that, Ina?” My friend winced noticeably. Well, that came out too fucking harsh, Bette! I said to myself, biting my lip.
Ina cleared her throat. “Can I ask you something, Bette?”
I looked up at Ina wide-eyed. Obviously, my harsh tone hadn’t scared her away. During all these years we’d known one another and lived together, Ina had truly become my best friend in this fucking world, even a better and more intimate friend than my old roommate Klara was. And now my best friend was scared to ask me a question? Maybe she thought it was a question I won’t want to answer? Well, whatever she wanted to know I was going to have to tell her.
I smiled at her encouragingly. “Sure, go ahead, Princess, ask me whatever you fucking want.”
Her features were carefully neutral. This had to be serious. I became a little nervous, but I did my best to relax.
“Can you answer me as my best friend, Bette, and not as the badass rocker girl, please?” Ina said softly.
“Yeah, sure.” I did my best to look at her reassuringly.
Ina took a deep breath. “Bette,” she said, “we’ve known one another for a while now.”
I nodded, while Ina sat up and crossed her legs. The comforter she‘d been lying under slipped away, exposing her firm breasts, but she didn’t seem to notice her nudity at all. She was too focused on what she was going to say.
She frowned slightly, concern showing in her blue eyes. “I don’t even know where to start, but I’m worried about you, Bette,” Ina went on. “And it’s not because you work too hard. You’ve always done that. That’s nothing new.”
Ina had been worried that I was working too hard? Well, that was something she’d never told me. I seriously wondered where she was going with this.
“Bette, I know you way too well not to notice there’s something going on with you,” she said softly.
“Oh?” All I could think was that playing the badass rocker chick wouldn’t be appropriate now at all. If I even could.
Ina sighed. “Since I’ve known you, Bette, you’ve fucked a lot of girls.”
I nodded, dumbly. That was something I couldn’t deny. And then, too, it was a statement, not a question, so I could get away with not saying anything.
“Does it make you happy, Bette?” Ina asked.
Feeling really awkward, I tried to smile as I replied, “Well, you know it’s fun…” It was totally lame.
My best friend shook her head slowly. “That wasn’t my question.” She gave me a considering look that made me even more nervous
than I had been before. She sighed again.
“You know, all those years I was with Caro, no matter how many other girls I fucked, my heart always belonged to her. I loved her too much to ever leave her.”
I nodded. It was something I knew. Ina had truly loved Caro, even though she hadn’t always been faithful, at least not physically. Ina’s steady gaze was unnerving, but somehow I couldn’t turn away from her.
Then she went on. “As long as I’ve known you, Bette, you’ve never had anyone quite like that in your own life. As far as I can tell neither Sarah nor our Nellie played such a role in your life. I mean, there’s never been someone you loved too much to ever leave.”
I held my breath. Of course I’d loved Sarah so much that I’d never wanted her to leave, but she’d never been able to free herself from the traps she’d been caught in, and thus she broke my heart. I’d loved Nellie, too, but I’d left her before something deeper could develop and she could break my heart, too.
Ina’s voice became very soft as she leaned toward me and took my hand in her own. “But now I’ve begun to wonder… Have you started to wish that you did? Have you started to wish that there was a girl you couldn’t stop thinking about, a girl who made your heart beat faster, a girl you never wanted to leave you?”
Ina’s words hit very close to the target. Startled, I sat up in bed. I suddenly wanted to pull away from Ina, jump out of her bed and run away. Nobody should know that Bette Coldheart was a coward. Nobody should know that I didn’t want to risk having my heart broken again. Ina knew my deepest secret so well it scared me.
Ina seemed to sense my impulse of running away, and so she held my hand so firmly I wasn’t sure I could have broken away if I had tried. “Listen to me, Bette, please,” she said softly, feeling my urge to break away. “I love you and I want you to be happy. That’s why I wanted to talk to you, and not because I wanted to tease you or fuck with your mind.”
I looked at our entwined hands and took a deep breath. I became aware that my heart was pounding, and I shook my head. “I know that you love me, Ina,” I said. “It’s just so hard for me to talk about these things.” I paused for a moment, taking another deep breath. “Do you know why I became the Bitch Goddess that I am?”
“Of course, Bette,” Ina said with a little smile, “it’s not too hard to figure that out. If you listen to your songs and watch how you act.”
I opened my mouth to say something that would get me out of this situation, but then decided not to. I could see how serious Ina was, and I knew that her words were true. She loved me and wanted me to be happy.
Seeing my reaction, my beautiful best friend smiled and shrugged. “I notice things, so I know things, Bette. That’s why I know that before we met someone was cruel to you and hurt you very badly, so badly, that you’re still reluctant to give yourself to anyone completely. And I’m not talking about your body. You know, ‘You can have my body, but you can’t have me…’”
I closed my eyes for a moment and let out a long sigh. Ina seemed to know everything already, so why should I hide anything anymore? And why shouldn’t I ask her to help me, if she offered her help freely?
Opening my eyes I looked at Ina. I was still scared, but being scared wouldn’t stop me now. “Yeah, Princess, you got everything right. My heart was broken before I met Sarah. Her name was Julia. Some very bad things happened at that time…And I really loved Sarah and I think she loved me, too, but she didn’t have it in her to stay with me. It hurt so much that I didn’t want to go through this again. That’s why I broke up with Nellie. I broke up with her before she could break my heart. It hurt both of us. I know now it wasn’t fair to Nellie. I should have given us a chance. Anyway, it’s too late now. And that’s the reason why I became the Bitch Goddess, Ina.” I felt better after my confession, probably like a sinner after receiving an absolution in a Catholic church, but I was still kind of desperate. Squeezing Ina’s hand I asked, “So what do I do now, Ina?”
Ina reached out and caressed my cheek with the back of her free hand. “I’m so sorry, Bette. I know how hard it is.” She smiled wryly. “What you do next might be scary, but it’s really quite simple. There’s a girl out there who’s in love with you, and if you love her, or you think you might, you ask her out.”
I winced at that idea. “Yeah, Ina, as you say, simple but scary.” I bit my poor bottom lip as I stared back at my best friend. Then I added, “Is that what you’d do, Princess? Even after what happened with Caro?”
Her answer came surprisingly quickly, like a gunshot. “Yes, I would and I will. And you know why?”
“You tell me.”
“Because I know that what I need is a girl who’s capable of what Caro wasn’t, a girl who can love me in spite of the fact that I can’t be monogamous. But who knows? Maybe at some point in the future I don’t want to sleep around anymore?” She smiled wryly. “I need to find myself a girl who’s as crazy about me, as that crazy girl Tanja is about you.”
Several thoughts shot through my mind, but I asked her about the thing she’d left unsaid. “A girl who’s too crazy about you to break your heart? To never leave you?”
“Exactly, Bette,” Ina replied, smiling calmly.
“So you think Tanja’s not going to break my heart, huh?” I asked uncertainly.
She shrugged her shoulders. “I can’t know that, but I think she isn’t going to. The most important thing however is if you don’t try, you’ll never find out.”
“God, Ina, I’m so fucking scared. It’s crazy, isn’t it?” I shook my head. “Badass Bitch Bette Coldheart, being scared of a girl breaking her heart?”
Ina smiled sweetly at me and replied, “No, it’s not crazy at all, Bette. With the girls you take home after our gigs you know it’s just about casual sex, nothing else. It’s completely different if your heart is in it. Also, it’s been a long time since you’ve had a real girlfriend.” She became serious again. “I think you really do need love in your life, and denying it will kill you, which is the very last thing I want.”
Leaning close to me, she added with a sudden fierce grin, “Because, if you can get your head in the right place, Bette Coldheart, you and I and Nellie and Jenny are going to fucking rock the world!”
I had to laugh at her enthusiasm and grin back at her, as she laughed too, wrapping her long arms around me and hugging me tight. While she did, she whispered in my ear, “Go, and get her, tigress. Get the girl who’s won your heart.”
+++
I knew I was procrastinating again, but I did what I always did when there was something I didn’t want to think about, and so I buried myself in work.
Yet my subconscious mind kept on working and so that night I had dream...
The Coldhearts were playing an unplugged gig at a small club I didn’t know. Ina, Jenny and I were sitting on bar stools with our guitars on a tiny stage. In fact it wasn’t big enough to hold Nellie’s regular double bass drum set, meaning she had to make do with a much smaller one.
The air in the small club was thick and sweltering. The crowd was very, very close to the stage, and the club reeked with their sweat and the smell of booze. Small rivulets of sweat were running down my face, and my skin and my long hair were damp, even though I had it up in a high ponytail. I glanced around at my band mates. Ina to my left was wearing a tiny black tank top that exposed her tattooed arms and taut belly, along with faded jeans. Little beads of sweat covered her pretty face and neck. Jenny to my right was in her usual green and black combination, green tank top, black jeans. Her long jet-black hair was soaking wet, clinging to her head and her shoulders.
We were playing Jenny’s new song, the one that spoke to me so deeply, a song that seemed to describe me so well that my black-haired bandmate might have written it for me…
“I’ve become a bitch with an ice-cold heart, I’ll make you shiver and fall apart!”
I was rasping out the words to the song, when I suddenly saw a familiar face among the crowd. I had to look
twice, but then I was immediately convinced it was Taylor Momsen!
It had to be her! She had Taylor’s unmistakable raccoon eyes, and she was dressed up like she used to a few years back, wearing a white corset and black thigh highs. She had her long, blonde hair done in braids that hung over her shoulders. Holy fuck! What was Taylor Momsen doing here in this nasty little club?
I tried to focus on singing and playing guitar, but my eyes kept returning to her. Then our eyes locked and something unexpected happened. Taylor began to smile, and her irresistible smile made my own lips curl up, and I smiled back at her. How can you resist when an Angel smiles at you? She then raised her hand and gave me a cute little wave that made my heart beat faster.
In shock I fell silent, and so did my bandmates. But then Ina, Jenny and Nellie started playing a song that was neither from us nor very typical for the band at all, and I didn’t recognize it at first, at least not before Taylor began singing to me:
“I know you, I walked with you once a upon a dream. I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam. And I know it’s true that visions are seldom what they seem. But if I know you, I know what you’ll do. You’ll love me at once the way you did once upon a dream…”
While she sang I listened, speechless, almost forgetting to breathe and my whole body started trembling. When she was done singing, the blonde beauty smiled at me sweetly, and beckoned me to come to her. I shook my head, alarmed at that idea. How could I leave the stage in the middle of a gig, leaving my bandmates behind? That was out of the question.
Suddenly I heard Ina’s soft laughter. I turned to my left to look at her. Ina smiled tenderly at me and mouthed the words, “Go on, Bitch Goddess.”
I still couldn’t believe what was happening. So I glanced over at Jenny, and she smiled at me, too, saying, “Go on, Bette.” Confused, I turned around to look back at Nellie. She grinned at me cheerfully, and to my shocked disbelief she pointed one of her drumsticks in the direction of Taylor Momsen.
My heart pounded wildly as I got up from my bar stool and put my guitar in its stand. While the rest of The Coldhearts kept on playing, I left the stage. The crowd immediately parted, like the Red Sea did for the Israelites, and even though my shaky legs threatened to give in, I managed to close the distance between Taylor Momsen and me. Her bright smile welcomed me and the butterflies in my stomach fluttered crazily.
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