So I rose from the sofa, stood right in front of Jenny, folding my arms, and locking eyes with her. “Can I have a quick word with you, Jennifer?” I’d never called her by her full first name, and I was sure it would have an effect on her. “Just you and me?” I added quietly.
She looked at me, startled, and then briefly locked eyes with Nell. Nell nodded her head and gave Jenny a tight little smile, encouraging her to do what I wanted. Jenny followed me obediently down the long hallway of the farmhouse, out into the front yard, where my brother and his friends were already busy loading our equipment into the band’s truck for tonight’s show.
“C’mon, Jenny,” I said, and once again she trudged behind me around the house to the backyard. I led her to the old orchard where the cherry trees were just starting to blossom. Spring was here, truly, and the weather had become warmer and milder. I sat down on the old wooden bench, where the two of us had sat not long ago. Jenny sat down on the bench next to me with her head hanging down, waiting for me to say something. I knew she was afraid I was going to kick her out of the band, and that she was going to lose what had become like a family for her.
Letting the silence stretch on a little for the sake of effect, I lit a cigarette and took a deep pull, breathing out the smoke and flicking the ash aside. Then I turned to her and put my free hand on her knee. She looked at me in surprise. I smiled at her tenderly, before I began to speak.
“Jenny,” I said, “I want you to know that we all love you. We love you with all our hearts. As far as I’m concerned you’re family, no matter what. Okay?”
My reassuring words didn’t much to relax her. Jenny was still tense. She replied in a low voice. “It’s…really good to hear you say that, Bette.” She was almost whispering.
I smiled at her again, trying to show my affection. “It’s the truth, Baby Doll, and we’ll have your back, whatever happens.” I took another draught from my cigarette, and exhaled. “Of course we’re not just a family, we’re also a band.” I gave her a serious look before I went on. “And I’m the band’s leader, because I’m the oldest, and for some other reasons, too. Think of me as the band’s boss lady or the family’s matriarch, or whatever.”
Our gazes locked again, and Jenny nodded to acknowledge what I’d said.
“Now, in a band, just like in a family, everything isn’t always sweetness and light. The thing is, when there’s trouble between members of a band, or when one of the members of the band doesn’t have her head in the right place, it makes it harder for the band to play together and to give the best performance they can.”
I paused, watching her attentively. Jenny was still anxious, biting her lip and fidgeting with her fingers. I put more emphasis on what I said next. “You know that the band’s a really important part of our lives, Jenny?”
Jenny nodded again, clearly understanding how much was at stake.
“Nellie, Ina and I, we’re all really ambitious, and we still hope that maybe one day, we’ll be able to make a living from our music alone, from doing what we love most.” I looked at her seriously. “Do you understand that, Jenny?”
Without doubt Jenny understood what I’d said, since she blurted out, “Of course I understand that, Bette. ‘The Coldhearts’ have become an incredibly important part of my life, too. The past few months have had everything I could have hoped for, everything I could have dreamed of, playing with you, writing songs for you, being with you…” She stopped midsentence, but it was clear what she wanted to say.
I took another pull at my cigarette, before I went on. What I said next wasn’t completely true, but I thought a little white lie couldn’t hurt. “You know, it may have seemed to you that our decision to ask you to join ‘The Coldhearts’ was just a sudden whim of ours in an emergency, but it wasn’t.”
Jenny just looked at me blankly, not comprehending what I was going to say. “Nellie and I knew that Caro was a ticking time bomb, and that sooner or later she was going to break up with Ina and quit the band. So we started keeping an eye on you, and when Caro finally quit and you became available at the same time, we were ready.”
Jenny gaped at me in shocked disbelief for a moment. Of course I was beating about the bush. “You were…you were, like, stalking me?” she blurted out.
Her answer made me giggle. “Well not exactly, but we did go to one or two of your old band’s gigs. Maybe you remember that club gig when Ina and I were standing in the front row, watching you? Anyway, we did ask a few people about you, too.”
“Uh, well…that’s interesting,” she replied, pretty much at a complete loss for words.
I began to shake with suppressed laughter. The wide-eyed look on Jenny’s face was priceless. I took one more drag from my cigarette before I dropped the butt on the ground, and stomped on it with the heel of my Doc Martens. I remembered I wanted to pick up all those cigarette butts and throw them into the garbage bin. Looking back up at Jenny, I gave her another one of my piercing looks.
“Anyway, we decided that you’d be the perfect fit for us, Jenny. As soon as Caro left we talked to Ina, and she agreed with Nellie and I right away. You were our obvious choice.” I leaned forward and touched her arm. “Not only did we think that you were a really good bass player, we were also sure you were like us in lots of ways, Baby Doll, that you could become a member of our family.”
Jenny nodded again, stupefied. She was clearly impressed by what I said. “We didn’t know that you’d fall for Nellie, or that she’d fall for you,” I went on, stating the obvious. “Well, maybe Nellie did.” I chuckled, before I became serious again. Now was the time to talk business, and I sounded like it.
“Like I said before, we always want to go onstage and deliver our best possible performance as a band, Baby Doll, and you know that’s only possible if everyone in the band has their shit together, right?”
“I know, Bette, I won’t ever let you or the other girls down, I swear!” Jenny replied earnestly.
I knew she was telling the truth and so I went on. “I know you’ve gone through a lot of shit lately, but what you did this morning was really fucked up.”
My statement made her wince. “I know, right?”
“Yeah, you deliberately hurt somebody who loves you. Not only was that stupid, it was complete bullshit. You know that too, right?”
Shuddering, she replied, “God, yeah, I know.” She let out a sigh, and it was obvious how much she regretted what she’d done to Emilia.
I let her consider that for a moment, before tapping on her knee to get her attention back. I went on, “Good. Knowing that what you did was wrong is where you have to start. And knowing exactly what you did wrong is the next thing you need to know.”
“I got jealous, right?” Jenny was fighting back her tears again.
“That’s the understatement of the year! You got crazy jealous. What Nellie said about you being jealous of this guy, this drummer…”
“Stephen.”
“Yeah, okay, Stephen. Anyway, if you’re fucking another girl, in our case Nellie, it doesn’t make any sense to be jealous if your girl is doing whatever it is she’s doing with Stephen.” I put my arm around her, pulling her closer to me, and locked eyes with her again.
“What you need to learn is, if you love someone, you should be happy about whatever makes them happy, which is exactly what you’re asking of Emilia. You want her to be happy for you and Nellie, right?”
Jenny bit her lip again, hard enough to draw blood, but she nodded, seeing what I was aiming at.
“Then you have to try to be happy for Emilia and Stephen, assuming there’s an Emilia and Stephen at all, which you aren’t even sure about.”
Jenny heaved another heavy sigh, before she replied. “I wasn’t even thinking, Bette. I felt so scared and angry and desperate at the same time…I hurt so much, somehow, I wanted to hurt Emi, too, and I wanted to run away from her, and…”
Again, she stopped midsentence, but of course I understood her only too well. We all di
dn’t want to get hurt in a love affair, did we? In a romantic relationship we were vulnerable, because our partner knew some of our deepest thoughts and feelings. That was the very reason I’d become the person I was.
“I understand, Baby Doll,” I said softly, “Still, there’s something you need to know. If you really want that polyamory thing or however you want to call it, there’s something you’ve got to get rid of very quickly. And what’s the thing you have to give up?”
“You mean jealousy, right?”
“Yeah, it’s jealousy. It poisons everything. It fucked up your relationship with Emilia, and if you can’t get your jealousy under control, it will fuck up your relationship with Nellie, too, sooner or later.”
Jenny was obviously scared to death of losing Nellie, too.
“So, if you want to be together with them, with both Emilia and Nellie,” I said softly, “you have to change, Jenny. There’s no other way. Instead of being jealous when someone you love is with someone else, you have to learn to be happy for them. Otherwise it doesn’t work. It’s hard work.”
Tight-lipped, Jenny swallowed hard and nodded again.
I felt really sorry for what Jenny was going through, and so I added somberly, “If that’s not something you can do, Baby Doll, you’re better off not doing that whole relationship thing at all.”
“Like you and Ina? Or like Ina?”
Oh, wasn’t that interesting? Looked like our Baby Doll knew I might just be doing the relationship thing myself. “Yeah, Ina and I have a lot of fun with our Crazy Bitches and the other girls we pick up from time to time.” I grinned at her. “Ina’s happy with that, and I guess she’ll go on with it as long as she has fun and doesn’t make whoever she’s with unhappy.”
Jenny looked confused. “Wait! What? Is Ina with someone?” she asked, rather plaintively.
I just smiled enigmatically. “Maybe you just ask her to show you what she’s got on her laptop, Baby Doll.”
“Oh? Okay.” There was a momentary silence, before Jenny asked, hesitantly, “What about Tanja and you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know how things are going to work out with Tanja.” I gave her a lopsided grin. I wasn’t sure at all about what I said next, but I thought it might help Jenny. “That Crazy Bitch isn’t the jealous type, though. If I picked up another girl, she’d want me to let her know straight away, so we could have a threesome. The important thing is we’re happy, and that the people we care about are happy, too.”
I paused for a moment, while images of my beautiful blonde lover appeared on my mind’s eye and a flood of pleasant feelings streamed through my body. I shook my head in disbelief. That Crazy Bitch had wormed her way into my mind and heart, just as she had charmed her way into my bed. Then I realized I’d better focus on Jenny again, changing the subject abruptly. “Oh, and as far as tonight’s gig is concerned, I want to see you at your best, Baby Doll, you understand me? At least for those two hours I want you to get your mind out of your misery and into rock! Do you think you can do that?”
Jenny understood me, and she slowly started to grin back at me, while my own smile grew wider and fiercer. “I want you to be Jet-Black-Jenny tonight, I want you to be the kick-ass she-devil our Crazy Bitches all want you to be.” My voice became louder and more intense. “I want you to fucking rock that motherfucking stage tonight and together we’ll destroy that place!”
Jenny visibly relaxed and her own smile became wider.
I lowered my voice, locking eyes with her, and added, “And I want you to make all our Crazy Bitches wet their panties!”
That made Jenny laugh so hard, that I became afraid she was going to wet her own panties. That thought made me laugh even harder, too. When we finally stopped laughing, I stood up, and reaching down to her, I pulled her to her feet.
“C’mon, Baby Doll, let’s go have a beer.”
I walked back to the farmhouse with her, enjoying the smile on her pretty face. It seemed I had succeeded in pulling her out of her misery. At least for a while.
+++
The Coldhearts did play loud, hard, and tight that night. It was as if we were able to turn all our feelings into our music. As I sang and played my ‘Flying V’ and strutted and swayed about the stage, I put all of myself into my performance, all my desire and love for Tanja, my fear of getting my heart broken again, my love for my bandmates and our music, and my unshakeable resolve to prevent anything from tearing us apart.
Ina’s shredding somehow felt differently, too. It sounded like – what could I say – it sounded more melodic, more emotional, more tenderly.
I kept an eye on our Baby Doll Jenny and I was quite happy to see and hear she kept her shit together. Our little talk this afternoon seemed to have done her all kinds of good. I grinned at her, and as she grinned back at me, she whipped her long, jet-black hair back and forth in time to the beat that Nellie set for us. Jenny had definitely become our eye-catcher tonight, and some of her own particular fan girls down there in the audience were screaming hysterically as they watched her.
The floor of the stage underneath my feet was vibrating as we played ‘Drive’, the last song of our regular set, and it felt as if ‘The Coldhearts’ had never ever played the song as loud and hard and at the same time more erotic than before.
‘Your fingers are trembling and your heart is heavy and red…’
I did my very best to sing those ominous, erotic lyrics hypnotically. I felt that our audience was totally under my spell, under our spell, caught in the web we were spinning. There were two girls right down there in the crowd, who looked like they were fucking right in front of me. Their bodies were rocking together slowly in time to the rhythm of the song, with one of the girls standing in front of the other, her eyes closed, as her girlfriend’s hand slid down the front of her jeans. There were also straight couples that were doing things that were rather similar. Seeing them made me put even more emotion and sex into my voice – if that was possible at all. But most of the crowd just stared at us, utterly rapt, lost in the music. Some of them had their mouths hanging open.
‘Your head is bent back, your back is arched…’
I was grinding my hips against the microphone stand, thinking of my Crazy Bitch Tanja, who was standing behind the curtain on the right side of the stage. I felt her eyes on me, watching me, dazed, as if her panties were already wet and it excited me even more.
‘I’ll hold you up and drive you, baby, till you feel the daylight…’
As always when we finished our version of ‘Drive’, there was a moment’s silence, but then the crowd erupted into screams and whistles.
We bowed and curtsied to our fans. We were all covered with sweat, and we were all grinning, as we briefly left the stage. I threw my arms around Tanja and kissed her passionately on the lips, before I joined my bandmates, who were eagerly gulping down bottled water. After I had some myself, we performed our little band ritual. Then we stormed out onto the stage again to the crowd’s raucous cheers. We played Jenny’s song ‘Back from the Dead’ as an encore, before we finished our gig with our cover version of ‘Sunshine of Your Love.’
Returning to the farmhouse that night, a pleasant surprise was waiting for us. Ina’s charming Russian girlfriend Kira was waiting there. She’d arrived from London a few hours before, rented a car, and driven all the way from the airport to surprise Ina, who was thrilled to see her.
The cute, little Russian girl was friendly to all of us, but she only had eyes for our beautiful lead guitarist, who she called ‘Moya pizdati princesa’. Of course the rest of us wanted to know what that meant. The sweet blonde with the innocent smile translated that with ‘My wonderful cunt princess’. We were all laughing hard, while Ina took her Russian lover’s hand and led her upstairs to her bedroom.
Tanja and I retired almost as early, and of course we spent the night together in my bedroom. We made love until we couldn’t go on anymore and fell asleep in the early hours of the day.
Nellie and J
enny spent the night together, too, and it seemed that their differences from earlier in the day were all forgotten after our successful gig.
CHAPTER 5 – A ROMANTIC AND TOTALLY CRAZY DATE
Anticipation and excitement were making my heart pound as I stopped my car in front of the apartment building where Tanja lived. It was a Thursday night, and it was the night of our first official and real date.
I’d been extremely busy all day. I was working on the design of a new website, targeting potential customers for a new skincare line, but hadn’t really been able to focus on my work. I was too restless. Thinking about anything but Tanja and our date was just too hard, and so I’d decided to call it a day. Thank God my deadline wasn’t as tough as it usually was. So I wound up standing in front of my bedroom mirror, agonizing about what I should wear.
It felt so strange that I, a grown-up woman and badass rocker chick, should be so nervous about a date with a sexy young girl. But it was fuckin’ true. I felt as if I was back in high school, totally smitten, and Tanja was the first girl who had ever liked me.
My closet was really packed, because there was a never-ending stream of new clothes coming in from Ina’s boutique. In the end I’d decided on tight black leather pants, a white silk blouse that revealed some cleavage, and high heels. Also, I’d decided to let my long, blonde hair hang loose. When I’d examined myself in the mirror, I was satisfied with how I looked, sexy, but not too obvious. It was a grown-up look, a mixture of business and rocker outfit, thus representing exactly what I was. And then, too, I supposed I needed that as a reminder that I was in fact a grown-up and no longer a high school girl with a crush.
When I got out of my car I glanced toward the main entrance of the apartment building. I immediately noticed a girl who was standing next to the glass double door, one foot casually propped up against the building’s wall. Her tall and slender frame seemed vaguely familiar, but I didn’t recognize her.
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