by J. M. Witt
I laughed and said sarcastically, “Yes, and you’re a genius so...jokes on them, or me? I’m not sure anymore.”
Then unwillingly, the floodgates opened. My husband was having an affair and my own lover knew. So, Gregor had only known a couple weeks, but in those couple of weeks he’d urged me to make things work with Todd, or at least try to.
“Why did you encourage me to work on things with Todd if you knew he was cheating?”
“Because I of all people know how complicated it all is. Maybe this is the gateway for you to stay together but also get the outlet you both clearly need.”
I lunged back. “Fuck you! No. That’s not what he’s doing.” I jumped to my feet and began to pace. Turning on him, I unleashed. “It wasn’t up to you to decide if I was Todd’s consolation prize.” Turning again I screamed into the cold night air, “Mother Fuck!” Sobs started to tear through me. “I’m sick of being a consolation prize or sloppy seconds.”
Gregor tried touching me and I pushed him off, but he was a fighter too. “Meredith...” He said my name, it wasn’t lost on me, and he probably did it on purpose. It distracted me just long enough for him to wrap me in his embrace from behind. His voice whispered in my ear, “You’re not a consolation prize or sloppy seconds.”
“Yes, I am. You don’t know everything.” Sniffling, he turned me and held my head to his chest. I clung to him, trying to get closer than I possibly could.
“Then tell me.”
Fuck. He knew almost all of my secrets. What was one more?
“Judith and Todd have a history. They were college sweethearts.” I felt him still before I continued. “I caught him and Judith in bed and we broke-up. But, I was pregnant and didn’t know it yet. Long story short, we had a shot-gun wedding and he swore it’d never happen again.” I started chuckling, “Hell, maybe they never stopped. Her kid could very well be his. I just don’t know anymore.”
A long time passed as I cried and he held me, never saying a word. Just let me be. Pain ripped through me like never before. I had my own transgressions to answer for; I knew that I wasn’t innocent. My world was spinning out of control and I felt like I couldn’t move; helpless to watch it disintegrate. Slowly, I pulled myself out of his arms, his hands still stroking me and gently rubbing my neck.
“I should go.”
“Stay.”
Baffled, I looked at him. Looking at our surroundings, I knew that wasn’t possible. “Where?” Looking at his truck, I began to shiver from the cold, and then I stated the obvious. “You know I can’t, you can’t. We both have to go home. You have nothing to offer me.”
He flinched, like I’d slapped him, but never lost eye contact with me.
“Gregor, we’re doing the same thing they’re doing. The only difference is they’ve been found out and it’s been going on a lot longer.”
“It’s not the same thing.”
Scoffing, “Isn’t it? I’m not your first choice, I wasn’t his first choice. But I’ll be my first choice. I’m going home.”
“It’s more complicated than that and you know it.”
Nodding, I agreed. “Yes, it is. But I can’t change anything. I know what this is,” I motioned between our bodies, “and what it’s become and what it can never be. I can’t change it no matter how I may want to.”
“What do you want to change?”
The tears threatened again. “Don’t. You’re not stupid.” I fumbled with my keys and turned to leave, but stopped in my tracks. “What happens next is up to you, not me.”
His voice was calm, yet stern as he said, “You can’t tell Todd about us.”
Glaring at him over my shoulder, I spit out, “Yes, I know that Gregor. No one can know.”
I pulled away before he could try to stop me. Whether he wanted to or not, I didn’t know. The song resumed and I started it over. I just had my first real disagreement with Gregor since all of this had begun. It hurt worse than finding out about Todd and Judith.
God! I was an idiot to think either of them cared for me the way I needed and deserved. Before I realized what I was doing, but knowing who I needed, I took a chance and texted Jared. I pulled into a parking lot near home and waited a minute.
He didn’t respond, but my phone rang a few seconds later.
“Hey babe, you ok?”
I started crying again. “No. I’m not.”
“Did you tell him?”
“I was planning on it, but I found out that Todd’s been having an affair.”
“Meredith, I’m sorry. You weren’t happy with him.”
“It’s not that. It’s with Judith and it’s been going on since before we got married. I thought it ended when we got married. How have I been this blind for so long?”
“Jesus. I don’t, fuck. What can I do?”
“That’s not the worst part... Well maybe it is.”
“What is it?”
“Gregor knew.”
Silence, he didn’t speak.
“Jared?”
“I’m here.” He took a deep breath and exhaled it loudly. “You know that I believe he loves you. But he’s got to hear it from you, too.”
“I just don’t know if I can take that risk. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”
“You’re strong enough.”
“I wish I believed in me—in Gregor and me—like you do.”
“Neither of us can make him choose you. It’s so complicated. What do you want from him?”
“I want to ride off into the sunset.” We both started laughing. “Ok, that’s a far stretch. I understand so many more of the complexities of this lifestyle...since being with you. Ugh. I just...”
“What is it?”
“I just want to know that he loves me, too. It’d be enough...for now. Living in limbo, wondering how he truly feels is killing me.”
“I know it is. It took me a long time to admit it to myself, let alone Heather. I’m lucky she stuck around as long as she did.”
I smiled at that. I could picture his face light up at the mention of her name. “He’s stated over and over that he won’t let this control or complicate his life. Family and home first. I’m probably not even in his top ten. He won’t hesitate to drop me like a bad habit.”
“Bad habits are hard to break, not easy.”
“Jared...”
“Meredith...”
“Wait...did Heather tell you how she felt or...” I didn’t need to finish asking the question.
“She didn’t need to. A Dom knows his sub. I knew how she felt.”
“Goddammit, Jared! That’s not helping.”
He was suppressing his laughter. “Well, and your emotions are written all over your face. He knows.”
“I’m going to jump off the bridge now.”
“No you’re not. Take a few days. A connection like you two have won’t be severed in a day or two. He may surprise you and reach out to you first.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“Call me. And don’t reach out to him. Give him a few days. You both have a lot on your plate.”
I was shaking my head. “We’ve gone over a month without being able to be together. You think a few days will change anything?”
“It’s different now.”
“How?”
“Don’t ask. It just is. I know. But be prepared for him to walk away from you. Men are just as unpredictable as women. I think he needs you, maybe more than you need him, and that probably scares him to death. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to leave her either.”
Pinching the bridge of my nose, “I know. I need a drink.”
“So go home and have one, or two, but don’t get drunk or do anything stupid. I’m too far away to bail you out of jail.”
Laughing, “Ok. Got it. Thanks for talking. I appreciate it.”
“Anytime. And the offer is still open. Heather and I would love to have you...for a few days.”
He and Heather had both told me that they wanted me to be their third. And I wanted
that, too, but just didn’t know when or if it would ever happen.
“Mmmm. The offer is enticing, especially now. You’ll be the first to know should my schedule open up and I can fly out for a few days.”
“You need a break.”
“Jared, don’t make this any harder than it is. I’d drive to the airport now if my life wasn’t in complete shambles. Todd and I still need to talk.”
“Ok. Well, might be smart to keep Gregor out of this. Clearly Todd’s not happy in the relationship, but there’s no need to rub your happiness in his face.”
“I know.”
“Ok, babe. Stay in touch.”
“Will do. Give Heather my love.”
“Night.”
“Night.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
DARK IN MY IMAGINATION
I DROVE HOME KNOWING that most of what I said to Jared was true. I just wanted one night away with Gregor and for him to tell me he loved me while he held me in his arms. Was that too much to ask? I knew the love was different, but it was unique and it was ours. Even if it was just one time and I never saw him again. At least I’d know it had been real for him, too. I’d rather know we loved and lost than to wonder the rest of my life if it’d been real.
Of course, if he didn’t love me... Well, I didn’t know if that was a hurt I’d ever be able to get over. If I exposed my true feelings to him I could very well lose him, lose the most exciting and potent thing to ever happen to me. Part of me was willing to live with the secret if it meant I could keep him a little longer.
I pulled into the driveway and actually felt better. Tami was asleep on the couch and I didn’t want to disturb her. Walking to the bedroom, I grabbed my pajamas and headed to the bathroom. The counter was littered with Todd’s toiletries and my own.
My phone alerted me to an email. I didn’t know whether to be happy or annoyed that he was emailing. He was reaching out. I hadn’t done it first. Fuck. He was annoying and I wasn’t sure if I was referring to Jared or to Gregor.
TO: [email protected]
10:31 PM
Subject: Home
Did you make it home?
TO: [email protected]
10:33 PM
Subject: Re: Home
Yes, I’m home.
I left it brief on purpose. I was trying to be strong.
TO: [email protected]
10:35 PM
Subject: Re: Home
I’ve been where you’re at, life and marriage at a crossroads. I’m here if you need to talk. Just take it one day at a time.
Try to get some rest.
Grief flooded me. I screamed at my phone and dropped to the bed.
Tami found me sobbing into my pillows. “Honey. Are you ok?”
Shaking, my voice cracked as I admitted what was already obvious. “No. I’m not.”
“Is this about Todd? I mean, I feel like I saw this coming long before Gregor came into the picture.”
“That’s not it. I’m not crying because of Todd.” I looked to her and quickly looked away. “I’m crying because I’m afraid I might lose Gregor in the process.”
“Oh, shit. Meredith.” She wrapped her arms around me. “What can I do?”
“I don’t know. I want off this fucked up ride.”
Sighing, she said, “Don’t regret anything, Mer. All of this is part of who you are and who you’ll become. I know it hurts.”
I chuckled, “You almost sound like him.”
She grinned at me as we lay face to face in my bed. “I should go. I have to work in the morning. Will you be ok?”
I nodded. “Yes. I’ll be ok. Thank you for everything.”
“You’re welcome.”
I walked her to her car and then went to bed.
The next morning after the kids were at school, I headed to the store. I was wandering aimlessly and decided to look at the home décor. A painting caught my attention. I stood there staring at it for quite some time. I’d been looking for something to hang over my bed for a long time, never seeming to find anything that spoke to me. But this, this painting spoke to me. I put it in my cart and grabbed some more items that we needed.
That night it finally happened. Sitting outside my son’s karate class in my SUV, I saw his truck driving down the road. As it came closer, the figure that dominated the driver’s seat was all the confirmation I needed. I'd recognize his form anywhere. Both of us attending to duties in our regular life, almost colliding with our secret life.
He’d sent an email earlier in the day to check on me and I told him I was managing as best I could. He still wanted to work out time to see me and I wanted that, too. I pulled up my email.
TO: [email protected]
5:39 PM
Subject: I wonder...
Running errands are you? I see/saw you...
TO: [email protected]
5:43 PM
Subject: Re: I wonder...
Maybe :)
Always so vague. After the kids were in bed that night, I hung up the new picture above my bed. Admiring my handiwork, I took a picture of it. Then, sitting at my desk, inspiration hit. I attached a picture of the painting.
TO: [email protected]
9:21 PM
Subject: Dark Imagination
My imagination is dark and my fantasies darker. Like the dark winter forest of the painting I’d purchased, its depths were unknown and waiting to be explored. I felt one with that painting, like I was staring at a part of myself. It was full of mystery, intrigue, and innocence, places untouched, dangerous landscapes, dark corners, and most of all, hope.
TO: [email protected]
9:23 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
I’m thinking a swift, firm paddling to help release all of that stored up emotional energy and help rebalance the system that I didn’t get to do last night.
With it being so cold – can’t have your bottom exposed too long anyways... :)
No matter how bad things were with Todd, Gregor could always put a smile on my face. Todd had texted and tried to call. I agreed and told him we needed to talk, but I needed some time.
TO: [email protected]
9:24 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
Guess you’ll have to bring it quick and hard...
TO: [email protected]
9:23 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
You talking about your paddling or my cock...?
TO: [email protected]
9:24 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
Both! Do you know someone who can train me and my naughty bottom?!
TO: [email protected]
9:27 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
I will ask around...
TO: [email protected]
9:29 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
His words should be able to bend my will, his touch bring me pleasure and pain, his kiss set me on fire, and his gaze make me weak...
Not too much to ask...
TO: [email protected]
9:30 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
Want. Want. Want.
TO: [email protected]
9:31 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
You. You. You.
TO: [email protected]
9:32 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
Beg. Beg. Beg.
TO: [email protected]
9:33 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
On my knees, Sir...deep eyes pleading...
Adrenaline was running rampant at our exchange. I loved email sparring with him.
TO: [email protected]
9:39 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
I have some interesting thoughts running through my head
for the future...
TO: [email protected]
9:41 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
Mmm...dare I ask or will I be surprised?
TO: [email protected]
9:45 PM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
:) Tomorrow.
Be prepared for instructions in the morning.
Good grief. I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night and focused on editing for a couple hours before I crashed for the night. I fell asleep listening to Dark In My Imagination by of Verona thinking about him and the painting. He possessed me, captivated me, and so many other things. I was under Gregor’s spell, my imagination becoming darker and darker with each encounter, email, and embrace. And as to the spell he had me under, I’d probably be under it for a very long time.
Once the kids were at school and I showered, I emailed him.
TO: [email protected]
9:19 AM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
Woke with soaked panties this morning. Just got out of the shower. It’s fucking cold out. Come warm me up!
Any direct orders?
TO: [email protected]
9:21 AM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
Later and your ass will be warmed...
Plug time. Masturbate, but do NOT come.
TO: [email protected]
9:22 AM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
(Covers face with hands and sighs) Yes, Sir.
I did as he directed. Sitting back down at my desk, butt plug in place, I sent him an email.
TO: [email protected]
9:39 AM
Subject: Re: Dark Imagination
Lil bit of lube and that plug slipped right in. I’m so wet and achy. I can feel the blood pulsing in every part of me...arms, legs, toes, fingers, chest... My breasts haven’t ached like they do now in so long...
That was bound to get a response out of him. Of course I waited over an hour for it. And all he sent was a dick pic.