Unbreakable Love

by Claire Shaw

  Coughing to hide my laugh, he looks so freaking cute and proud of himself.

  “Thanks baby, but don’t copy the naughty words you hear.” Carrie tries to tell Beau off but is struggling to keep her laugh in.

  “Okay Mamma, I’m off to play.”

  With that he’s off again at speed. Jesus how much energy does that kid have. The three of us look at each other and burst out laughing.

  “Okay I’ll grab some clothes and sort some space out for you to put all this away. I’ll stay in one of the other rooms.” I tell them.

  Carrie starts to protest but I shut her down.

  “Babydoll, this room is adjourning to Beau’s. It makes more sense for you stay in here so you’re close to him. I’ll move across the hall so I can still hear if you or him needs anything,” I reassure her.

  Smiling, I set about moving some bits into the room across the way so Carrie can have some space for all her new stuff. Once I’m sorted, I leave the girls to it and head down to the bar for a drink and to check on Beau. I love my son but he is definitely my son and gets into all sorts of trouble without trying. Finding him in the main room, he’s sat with Reck and Tank.

  “Beau was telling me his good job for the day.” Reck says as him and Tank are laughing. Guess the kid said girly shit again. Shaking my head, I join them.

  “You using bad language again kid?” I ask, trying to use my best dad voice. This only seems to cause Reck and Tank to crack up more.

  “Just saying it how it is dad,” he says as he runs off outside.

  Jesus that kid is going to be a handful.

  “Same as you were at his age, gobby little shit.” Bull joins in laughing.

  “Guess it’s karma for the crap I pulled on you then,” laughing at the smirk on his face.

  “You weren’t too bad, a good kid really. Just too much like your Pops,” Pip says as she joins us laughing too.

  “Thanks Pip, at least someone still loves me.”

  Laughing, she kisses the top of my head. Pip has always been a mother figure and still is to all that enters the clubhouse. We’re a family and that’s what counts.

  “How’s Carrie doing?” Pip asks.

  “Yeah she’s doing okay. We talked a little earlier. She’s with Kate now, got her clothes and girly shit to try and make her feel better,” I reply.

  “I’m sure it will help. Glad the both of you are talking. I might just pop up and check on the girls, you know the trouble those two can get into without trying.”

  She laughs as she walks off down the hall. She really isn’t wrong.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Carrie

  It’s been a month now since I escaped and I’m healing. My bruises have gone, ribs have nearly fully healed and I’m starting to feel more like my old self. After about a week or so when I could move better, I made an appointment with Tracy Wood, the psychiatrist Dr Whitelaw recommended. She’s really nice and welcoming. Talking to her has been really helping.

  I have a session once a week; Joker drives me, waits for me to be done and then takes me to do something nice to cheer me up. Some of the sessions are hard and I’m physically and mentally exhausted some days. But I know getting it all out is good for me. I’m starting to realise this was not my fault; I didn’t cause these things to happen to me. I’m also not a victim but a survivor which shows my strength. I still have a very long road to go before I’m completely coping, but that will all come in time. I will never forget what happened to me but with Tracy’s help, I’m learning to live with it all and she’s giving me the tools to reclaim my life.

  Joker has been amazing and so patient with me. I don’t know when or if I'll ever be ready to be with a man again. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and provide for Beau and me. Joker has said I don’t need to worry about it but I need this for me. I don’t want to be swallowed whole again by a man, to become reliant on him or anyone.

  To make this step forward I need to move Beau and me out of the clubhouse. We need a place of our own. A home my son deserves. I would never stop Joker from seeing Beau, women who use their children as weapons against their dads make me sick. You’re only punishing the children more and every child needs their dad in their life. Going to find my dad, I find him in the garage.

  “Hey Dad, you got a moment?” I ask.

  He looks up from the truck he’s working on.

  “For you, anything,” he replies.

  Smiling he follows me outside and we take a seat on the picnic table away from everything so we can talk.

  “How’s the therapy going?” he asks.

  Dad has been great in my recovery, making sure I have everything I need and ensuring I know he loves me.

  “It’s going good dad, that’s what I want to talk to you about,” I reply.

  “Okay petal, what’s up?”

  “I’m so grateful you’ve allowed me to stay here while I'm healing. But now my injuries are nearly completely healed, I need to concentrate on my mind. The clubhouse ain't exactly peaceful or relaxing and I need my own space, for Beau and for me. I hope you understand.”

  Dad’s quiet for a moment, taking all, I’ve said in and thinking it through. I’m starting the question what I’ve said as I really hope he doesn’t think I’m being ungrateful.

  “I understand sweetheart. I don’t like it; I want you and Beau close. I’ve missed so much time with you both but I’m not going to be selfish to put my needs before yours. I just need you both safe. We will talk to Prez and see if he knows of somewhere safe and protected so you can still have your freedom and peace but are safe too.”

  Throwing my arms around his waist, I snuggle into his chest. He wraps his big arms around me and kisses the top of my head. I’ve missed my daddy so much.

  “I will always try to do what is best for you and help you in any way I can. I love you,” says Dad softly.

  “I love you too dad, thank you.”

  Taking a moment to compose myself and enjoy being with my dad, I pull away.

  “Come on; think Prez is in his office. Let's go see him now,” Dad says.

  Walking through the clubhouse, we knock on the office door.

  “Come in,” answers Prez.

  Walking in, I let dad take the lead.

  “Got a sec BJ?”

  “Sure, you two, what’s up?” he says.

  Dad explains how my therapy is going and how I need to stand on my own two feet.

  His reply irritates me.

  “Carrie, have you spoken to Joker about this?”

  Looking down, I try to think of the right words to use.

  “With all due respect, it’s not his decision. I’m not going to stop him from seeing Beau, I would never do that. I need this for my own sanity. Joker and I are not together, I need to provide for Beau and me.”

  With a nod of his head, he clasps his hands together.

  “I understand that Carrie and that’s not why I asked. Joker came to us with an idea. We bought the land to the west of the clubhouse and have been building houses on it. The first house should be ready in the next week or so. That house is yours and Beau’s,” he says as a matter of fact.

  Completely shocked, I start to open my mouth but then close it again. I don't know what to say. Joker has done this for us. He’s ensured I have my own space and freedom but I’m still safe. Tears fill my eyes.

  “I didn’t know,” I sniffle.

  Dad reaches for me and holds me tight.

  “That boy loves you and Beau. He’s going to want you safe,” continues Prez.

  Nodding, I take a few minutes to get a hold of my emotions.

  “Pip was planning on taking you shopping for furniture in the next few days; see Nitro about the paint too.”

  “Thank you Prez. I need a job now to pay for all the stuff I’m going to need for the house. This means so much to me,” I add.

  Nodding his head, he gives my dad a look.
<
br />   “Leave the job with me; I’ll see what I can do. The furniture is all paid for; you just need to choose what you like.”

  Feeling a little shocked, I thank Prez and leave dad in his office. I need a lay down.

  Back in my room, I curl up on the bed and take a few deep breaths. This is a lot to take in. I understand their need to keep Beau and me safe after everything that has happened but I also need them to talk to me. I am more than capable of making decisions for myself. So much was out of my control and so many choices were taken away from me. I need to be in control of my life. I need to explain to Joker how this has made me feel. Feeling a little calmer, I head out to find Joker. I find him in the main room with some of the brothers.

  “Joker, do you have a minute please? I need to talk with you.”

  He looks up from the plans he was going over with Cass and Nitro.

  “Sure, I’ll catch up with you guys later,” he says.

  Getting up he follows me outside. I need space for this conversation. Sitting at the same picnic table I sat at earlier with dad, I wait for him to sit.

  “I spoke with Prez earlier and I know about the house. I want you to know I appreciate you doing this for Beau and me; but this is something you should have spoken to me about. I should have been asked if this was something I wanted or needed. You made all these decisions for me without talking to me first.”

  He looks taken aback by my comments.

  “I did what I thought was right and what you needed. You don’t sound grateful,” he says sounding confused.

  Yeah, I knew this was not going to go down well.

  “I need you to see this from my point of view Joker. Men have taken my choices and right to decide away from me for so long. I need to reclaim my right to decide. I understand why you did it and I honestly am grateful. I just needed you to understand how you not talking to me could make me feel,” I explain.

  Taking a deep breath, I hope he’s listening and understanding what I’m saying. Running both his hands over his head in frustration he replies with

  “Fuck Carrie, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m only trying to make sure you and Beau are safe. I’m doing what I can. You keep me at arm’s length, you won't let me in.”

  He’s getting angry; this is not what I wanted. I knew he wouldn’t understand.

  “I understand that but honestly I’m just trying to reclaim me. You mean a lot to me Joker. We have our history and Beau together. I’m not the same girl you knew. But I need to be able to stand on my own. Why can’t you understand this?”

  I’m getting angry now and from the look on his face, he’s getting angrier.

  “What, am I not good enough for you anymore? You don’t need me? You’ve got Beau so who cares about me. Jesus, you’re even calling me Joker. I’m not Joker to you, never have been, I’m Jason. Your Jason. I’m supposed to mean something to you. You mean everything to me Carrie. I never stopped looking for you, I never gave up. Why can’t you just let me the fuck in,” he exclaims.

  By the end of his rant, he’s stood shouting at me, his hands are flying around. I can’t help my natural reaction and I flinch.

  The horror that cross his face when he realises, I flinched is heart-breaking. I can’t cope with this; I jump up and take off running. I can hear Joker screaming my name but I keep running. Running through the woods that surround the clubhouse, I keep running until I hit the fence and then run along it. The land the clubhouse is built on is massive so I have plenty of places to hide until I can get myself together. I feel like I’ve been running for so long, I come across what seems to be an old shack of some kind, the door is locked but one of the windows is open, pulling it open more so I can fit through, I pull myself through the gap, closing the window behind me.

  There is a room in the back with an old cot in it. Sitting on the cot I try to catch my breath. Clearly, I need to start exercising more as I didn’t realise how unfit I’d gotten. It’s starting to get dark and looking round the room I find a cupboard that has some blankets in. I wrap a blanket around me to keep the chill in the air away. I know I’m not going to stay here all night; I just need some space. Between Joker and my dad constantly needing to know where I am and what I’m doing, I’m starting to feel a little suffocated. I need room to think and collect my thoughts.

  Hearing someone outside the shack I keep really still, there are no windows in this room so they can’t see in.

  “Keep looking as she can’t have gone far,” says one voice.

  “Shack is locked still and windows all locked so we’ll keep moving,” says another.

  I keep still and try to keep my breathing slow. Not sure who the voices belong to but I know Joker and my dad would have all the brothers looking for me. Great, they couldn’t even let me have a little peace and space to myself. I know it’s because they care and just want me safe but I’ve been trapped for so long, I need some freedom.

  I’ve been in the shack a while now so decide it’s best to head back and face the music. Beau will be worried. Climbing back out of the window, I slowly make my way through the woods. Coming across the clearing I find a newly built street with the makings of a couple of houses. This must be the house my dad and Prez were talking about. One house does look finished and it's beautiful. A wrap around porch at the front, leads me to a large front door, trying the door, it opens. The entrance is bright and has a warm feel, leading into a living space. A huge fireplace takes up one wall, there is no furniture yet. An arch leads off the living space into a huge kitchen dining area. The first things I notice are the granite worktops and a huge oven. Opening another door, I find a larder room with a massive fridge and freezer, plus a laundry room. It’s all so beautiful with hardwood floors. Making my way upstairs I find a huge bathroom and 3 bedrooms, the master has an en suite bathroom too. It really is perfect. Looking out the window of a bedroom at the rear I can see an enclosed garden with barbeque and seating area. Whoever designed this house put a lot of thought and effort in.

  I could see myself being happy here. If only Joker has talked to me. I don’t need someone to care for me; I need someone who will treat me like their equal. Jason is a biker, the alpha male so I know he’s always going to be a caveman. I was afraid of this and know it would hurt too much when we wouldn’t work out. Leaving the beautiful house, I find Pip sitting on the steps outside.

  “I knew you would find your way here,” she says without turning to me and patting the step next to her. I take a seat beside her and I wait quietly.

  “That boy loves you but he’s an idiot. They all are,” she states.

  Okay, that is not what I thought she was going to say.

  “They always have your best interests at heart but rarely do they use their brains. Bloody alpha biker cavemen,” she exasperates. “I’ve been warning them all to give you the space you need.”

  This has me smiling.

  “Is everyone mad?” I ask.

  “Why would they be mad at you? Reck was after killing Joker. Brother had to hold him back. They’re mad at Joker for being an idiot. Kate gave him one hell of a gob full and Beau is refusing to speak to him for upsetting you,” explains Pip.

  I just see Kate telling Joker exactly how she felt. I frown when I think of Beau disrespecting his dad like that.

  “I’ll talk to Beau about his behaviour when I get back,” I state.

  “You’ll do no such thing. A boy should be sticking up for his momma.”

  Giggling a little, she wraps her arm around me and pulls me in for a hug.

  “Don’t be too hard on them all when we get back,” she tells me.

  We stay cuddled on the steps for a little longer, until the sound of a vehicle pulling up makes us look up. Prez is jumping out one of the clubs SUV’s.

  “Gave us a bit of a scare there girly,” he says as he reaches us.

  “I’m sorry; he was getting so angry and not listening to anything I was saying. I just needed space,
” I try to explain.

  “I understand that. Ready to head back?” he asks.

  Nodding, we climb into the SUV and head back to the clubhouse. Walking through the common room no-one says anything, my dad and Joker are nowhere. I head straight to Beau’s room. He’s sitting on his bed, playing a handheld game.

  “Momma your back!” He jumps off the bed and gives me a cuddle.

  “I’m sorry I scared you sweetie.” kissing his head.

  “You didn’t scare me; I knew you just needed Momma time. I’m mad at dad for shouting at you. It was so funny watching Aunt Kate tell dad off,” he tells me with a giggle.

  I bet it was!

  “Come on kid, bed time,” I declare.

  Getting Beau sorted for bed and all tucked in, I finally make it back to my room.

  Deciding a nice relaxing bath is in order; I light some candles and relax in the bubbles. Soaking my muscles helps me relax and unwind. My mind is still thinking about Joker. We need to be able to co-parent. He has to understand how his actions can make me feel. I let my eyes fall closed as I relax further in the hot water.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Joker

  “What, am I not good enough for you anymore? You don’t need me? You’ve got Beau so who cares about me. Jesus you’re even calling me Joker. I’m not Joker to you, never have been, I’m Jason. You’re Jason. I’m supposed to mean something to you. You mean everything to me Carrie. I never stopped looking for you, I never gave up. Why can’t you just let me the fuck in,” I exclaim.

  By the end of my rant my arms flying around and I’m shouting. She flinched; it stops me dead in my tracks. Holy fuck she flinched. She thinks I’m going to hit her. Before I can say or do anything, she takes off running.

  Screaming her name, she doesn’t stop. I start to go after her but hands grab me and pull me back.

  “Get off me. CARRIE!” I'm still shouting for her.

  “Leave her be. Give her a little time,” Dad tells me.

  “The fear on her face dad, I would never hurt her,” I say as I drop back down onto the bench, my head is in my hands.