The Victorian Vampire

by Nick James

  My arm was released as Rose bounced over to a dark wooden bar, which seemed to be a throwback to my youth, although it didn’t have sawdust or wood chippings on the floor to soak up the drips off the slaughter-housemen.

  ‘Hiya, Sammy. Martini for me and whatever Lord Lucan wants – and he, for his smart mouth, is paying,’ Rose said brightly and spun around pointing at me. ‘I will be over there. When you pay for the drinks you can deliver them over yonder.’ She pointed to a fairly well-lit booth compared to others.

  I watched Rose walk away waving at others as she slid off her coat and sat down on the leather seat.

  I turned to the barman who was waiting for my order with a grin on his face. ‘Okay, milord,’ the barman said with a grin. ‘What is it you want, pink gin?’

  I sighed. ‘No thanks, mate. I’ll have a beer, imported if you have one.’

  ‘Well, well, Rose has found Lord Lucan. Michelob okay?’ the pierced man asked.

  I nodded and watched as he popped the cap off and slid it over. ‘You want a tab, buddy? She looks in the mood to party. You’re in for an expensive and talkative night, my lord.’

  Rose smiled and waved at me. ‘Yeah, let’s tab it,’ I agreed. ‘It looks like a fun night. I’m Albert, by the way.’ I offered the man my hand.

  He took it. It was firm but fair. ‘Sam, nice to meet ya.’ He looked up and laughed. ‘You’d better hurry, buddy, she’s getting antsy.’ He handed me the drinks.

  I turned to see her waving me to her and mouthing, ‘Come on.’ So that’s what I did. The old wooden floorboards creaked as I made my way to her. ‘About time, slow poke,’ she chided me and grabbed her glass. She started to down it, then even before I had sat down she was gesturing to Sam the barman for another round.

  ‘Thirsty much?’ I asked, surprised.

  ‘It’s been a long day, Berty. What do you do for a living, are you really a superhero?’ She chuckled and drained her glass as Sam replaced it with a fresh one. He didn’t bother with me as my glass was full and still had condensation on it. ‘Cheers, Sammy,’ she said.

  ‘Slow it down, Rose. I’m not carrying you to the sidewalk again,’ Sam said, and then received the middle finger in return.

  The brunette only took a sip of her next drink and seemed to relax. ‘So, where were we?’

  ‘What I do for a living. Actually, I’m just resting on my laurels at the moment, cashed in some investments and decided to head across the pond,’ I explained happily and took a draught from the cold beer. It was nice. ‘And I’m afraid I’m just a normal man…ish.’

  ‘Rich boy, eh, can’t blame you for that. What about friends and family?’ she asked while still leaving her drink in place, which meant she wasn’t a lush. She played with her long hair that shone in the lamplight. It was so dark it looked like she was being covered in darkness.

  I took another gulp. ‘Family have passed, friends not too many, always preferred a small group.’ She nodded in agreement, which I wasn’t quite sure about as she did seem like a party girl. ‘So, what about you?’

  ‘Well, I work at the lawyers’ office opposite your apartment, but you knew that anyway.’ She smiled brightly. ‘I’m a copywriter and I enjoy it. My parents live in Anchorage in Alaska, where they split their time between there and a small ranch property in the middle of nowhere. It’s lovely and quiet out there.’

  ‘Sounds nice, and what I’ve seen on the TV looks fantastic, especially the winter,’ I said.

  ‘I thought you weren’t a sun bunny. Those windows you have don’t show anything.’ Then she blushed furiously as I raised a quizzical eyebrow. ‘Errrrr, not that I was looking, much.’ She took a gulp of her drink. ‘So, what gives with the shades? Not a mass murderer are you?’

  ‘Well, not a mass one. It’s more a hobby than a vocation,’ I joked, making her giggle. ‘I had a stint in the army and my eyes were damaged in a bomb blast, to the point where sunlight could blind me, so I daren’t not have shades – too much of a risk.’

  Rose looked all soulful. ‘I’m sorry, Berty, that explains why I only see you once the sun goes down,’ she said and received a corresponding nod. ‘It’s a good job I’m a night owl, then. And in the city you’re lucky to have direct sunlight anyway.’

  I waved to Sammy for another round. ‘So, any brothers and sisters?’ I asked her.

  ‘Nope, they gave up when they had me. Once you’ve reached perfection, you only have downwards to go.’ She chuckled but it was forced, so clearly there was more, but that was for a later date, hopefully. ‘I have friends around here, but no besties, just never seemed to like people for that attachment.’

  The conversation died for a moment as Sammy delivered the drinks and took the empties away. ‘So, this is your local, then?’

  ‘For work it is, then there’s another one in Queens where I live. I share with another girl called Sharon; luckily she’s just as untidy as me,’ she said with a guffaw. ‘Is it just you in that big apartment, or do you have a harem with you, Berty?’

  She did have a wicked and quick sense of humour. ‘Nope, just Mr Agoraphobic here. Me and my carnivore doorman,’ I said and then told her about the chat before our date, and the threat of a veggie burger.

  ‘Oh, you are evil, Berty. I like it.’ She laughed and then her demeanour shifted. ‘I know it’s not my business, but our security guards told me that you had the police at your apartment one weekend?’

  I rested back in the seat, stretched out my arms and sighed. ‘There was a party in my building, a lot of bronzed people loving themselves, and I was painted into a corner, so I went and took a girl I knew as a date. They didn’t like me, and the Botox brigade hated Kelly.’

  ‘Bit of a hotty was she?’

  ‘Yeah, you could call her that. We left early and interrupted a burglary. I was knocked out, and when I regained consciousness they were attacking Kelly,’ I said, after which Rose gasped and grabbed my hand. ‘I managed to get free and stop them in time, but the damage was done between us. The perpetrators all pleaded guilty, so they will go down.’

  It went silent again. ‘Did you like her?’ she probed.

  ‘Yeah, we were still just friends really, you know, seeing how we fitted into each other’s lives. That situation was something that couldn’t be overcome, and I feel bad for her, but I couldn’t even comfort her.’ I sighed and took another pull from my drink. ‘But we move on; life is hard.’ I gave her a weak smile which never reached my eyes.

  She clapped her hands together. ‘Right, let’s get a cab to mine. I can change, then we can go and have a burger and drinks at my other local. You in?’ Rose asked, now full of life again.

  ‘Do I have a choice? I am paying, after all,’ I joked.

  ‘That’s the spirit, my old mucker,’ she replied in her best East End accent. She had obviously seen too many Only Fools and Horses reruns.

  I shook my head and finished off my drink. ‘Okay, treacle. You go to the bathroom, and I’ll go and settle up, okay?’

  Rose looked confused and trotted off. She was wearing her typical black business suit with a white blouse.

  I headed up to the bar. ‘Can I pay the tab, Sam?’

  ‘Sure.’ He worked at the till and then handed me the bill. ‘There you go. Oh, you do know she will kick your ass when she finds out what “treacle” means,’ he added and gave me a wry smile.

  ‘Does everybody watch English TV around here?’ I chuckled and put several bills on the counter which covered the tab plus ten for a tip.

  He just shrugged and chuckled to himself as he put the money in the till. ‘It makes a change from the mainstream. It’s all good,’ he said, and I turned around as Rose arrived pulling on her coat. ‘Well, have fun, you two.’ He smiled and started to wipe down the bar as we bid farewell. ‘Have fun, treacle,’ he added, giving her a wink.

  I shot him a look as I held the door open for her; he was really enjoying himself.

  ‘Berty, what does “treacle” mean?’ Rose asked from ou
tside, and that’s when Sammy lost it.

  ‘I’m not sure. Sammy told me to say it,’ I replied loudly and watched Sam still and his face straighten. With an air of victory, I showed him the finger. Life was good.

  Chapter 17

  ‘SHARON…MAN IN THE HOUSE!’ Rose shouted out as we walked into her apartment. She looked over her shoulder. ‘She’ll be about somewhere.’

  ‘HEY, GIRLFRIEND, IS HE CUTE…? CAN I BORROW HIM?’ a voice filtered through the clutter-filled apartment, then a brown-haired girl came running out of a bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body and one on her head. ‘Oh, he is cute. Can I borrow him?’

  Rose clamped her arm around my waist. ‘Nope, hands off. Albert, this is my roommate Sharon.’

  ‘Hi, nice to meet you, Sharon,’ I said and shook her slightly wet hand.

  Sharon’s eyes went wide and then she shot her friend a look. ‘You got yourself a Brit! Awesome!’ she said and then just walked off to her room. ‘Well, I have to fly. This baby has got to go to work!’

  ‘Right, take a seat, Lucan, I’m going to change,’ Rose announced before giving me a wink and walking off. She then stopped and opened her friend’s bedroom door to ask, ‘Hey, what do Brits mean on TV when they call someone “treacle”?’

  Shit! I prayed to any god who was willing to hear, even though I was a soulless beast from the underworld – well, London, but close.

  The air stilled. ‘I’m not sure,’ Sharon said, after which my heart almost started to beat for the first time in over a hundred years. ‘Oh, the Net says it’s short for “treacle tart”. It’s something called cockney slang from London, which means “tart”, a woman of loose morals… Why?’

  Rose, with a face like marble, turned towards me. ‘No reason. I just heard it at a bar,’ she said, her eyes never leaving mine. She closed her friend’s bedroom door and walked back towards me. ‘Well, looks like you will be paying for a second date,’ she said firmly while poking me in the chest. ‘If there is another one, that is.’ She then turned on her heel and stalked away. ‘And I have expensive tastes,’ she added over her shoulder.

  I am cold-blooded, but the temperature in the apartment seemed to have dipped unnaturally, which made me fear for Sharon who was still wearing a towel and misted with beads of water from her shower. Or that’s the way my mind went.

  A door opened and then I felt a presence over my shoulder. ‘Let’s go…treacle,’ Rose whispered with her lips so close that they tickled the minuscule hairs inside my ear.

  I turned to see the biggest shit-eating grin on this bloody continent.

  ‘C’mon, Berty, I’m hungry,’ she said and started to make her way to the front door. ‘Later, girl. Have a good night at work,’ she called to Sharon.

  I followed her out after not hearing a reply from her roommate, who was singing what sounded like a song from Cats, in a feline voice. It even made her friend of three years wince. ‘Sharon likes to sing, then.’ I chuckled.

  ‘She does. Our fellow tenants, not so much.’ Rose laughed as she led me out of the building and into the chilly Queen’s air. Once again she hooked my arm with hers. ‘C’mon. It’s not too far,’ she said, dragging me along with her.

  This time she took me to a bar which didn’t look as bad as the last one. It was themed to look like the quintessential ye olde English pub, and it looked clean.

  We wandered through the perfectly polished door into a light setting. It looked as though it had just been refurbished as all the brown leather seats were in good condition. ‘Looks nice,’ I said looking around the place.

  ‘Nice doesn’t cut it, buddy boy. Now, let’s get our order in and grab a booth before it gets too busy,’ she said and pushed me towards the bar with a petite, shaven-headed barmaid. ‘Hiya, Kirsty. A dirty Martini for me, and I’m guessing an imported beer for Prince William.’ She laughed at her own joke.

  ‘You drunk already, Rose?’ Kirsty teased, which my date just waved off, and then the barmaid looked at me. ‘Stella okay?’

  I nodded. ‘Sounds good, thanks. Could we run a tab, please? I have a penance to pay for.’ This made the girl laugh, along with my date.

  ‘Run your mouth off, did you, my lord?’ She shot me a wink.

  I shrugged. ‘Maybe, but who am I to say?’ I said and took my drink. Rose had already departed to find a booth. ‘We’ll be ordering some food too at some point.’

  Kirsty handed over the dirty Martini, which looked awful to me. ‘Sure, what’s your name, then, unless it’s William?’

  I just shook my head and handed over one of my old business cards I used for the shop.

  ‘Nice to meet you, Albert. Just wave when you want a waitress.’

  I took two menus. ‘Cheers, and have a drink on me,’ I said, but she just waved it off. Most probably because Rose was going to fleece me. I arrived at our booth, pushed the drink into her open hand and offered her the menu.

  The night went well and we chatted about this and that and about her job, which I didn’t have a clue about. We ordered some burgers that were very nice. Mine was as rare as could be, which did its job.

  I received a couple of texts from the duchess asking how the night was going and telling me that the coven was kicking off about her wanting to move out and into the city. But what did surprise me was a text from Tracey telling me about her meeting with the UK coven. The fact that it was all in capital letters didn’t bode well for the coven.

  ‘You’re popular tonight,’ Rose half-joked.

  ‘I’m sorry. A friend just wanted to know if I had ballsed up yet, and my friend Tracey in the UK is just having a bit of trouble.’ I sent Tracey a quick reply telling her to keep her temper and not to do anything to jeopardise her safety.

  My date did actually look worried. ‘Will she be okay? Do you need to call her?’

  I had to laugh at that. ‘I’m more worried about the other people. When she loses her temper the world moves aside.’ We both laughed, then Rose yawned.

  ‘Sorry, Berty. It’s time for me to head to dreamland. Some of us have work to go to in the morning,’ she said and started to put on her coat. ‘But I’d like to do this again sometime?’

  I smiled at her. ‘Me too. How about you come to mine for dinner? I might even cook.’

  ‘Won’t your doorman get jealous?’ She giggled. Clearly, the Martinis had left their mark.

  ‘Well, we agreed to see other people, and he will just have to respect my wishes,’ I said and winked. She gave another drunken giggle. ‘But I will take him a burger and fries from this place; he’ll love it.’

  Rose fastened up her coat slowly and methodically doing each button one by one while the tip of her tongue protruded from her lips as a sign of her inebriation and concentration. ‘Well, Berty, you can place your order, pay the tab, you lucky man, and then you can walk this princess back to her castle… Whoops,’ she said as she staggered sideways and rebounded off a photo of Frank Sinatra on the wall.

  ‘Good plan. You lean against this lovely wall, and I’ll be back,’ I told her and received a very messy salute in response. I went to place my takeout order and pay the tab, which made Kirsty look at Rose with worry. ‘I’m walking her home, then I’ll be right back.’

  She raised a very thin eyebrow. ‘Not looking for a goodnight kiss then, milord?’ she asked and handed back my card and receipt, which I traded for a twenty-dollar tip.

  ‘Nope, first date. Plus, she’s tipsy. Not my style, young lady,’ I responded and put the card back into my wallet. ‘But feel free to phone her after I come back – talking of which, could you order me a taxi for when my order is ready.’

  She looked at me carefully and nodded. ‘Hurry back, the chef doesn’t hang about,’ Kirsty stated.

  ‘No worries.’ I headed back to my swaying date who clung to my arm straight away. ‘You okay?’

  Rose looked at me with a drunken grin. ‘Did you know the room is spinning?’

  I walked her out of the door and held on tightly
as the frigid air hit her, making Rose slump against me. She was surprisingly heavy for a woman, although those words would never pass my lips, not after Suzie’s granddaughter asked me if she was putting on weight one day in bed. Apparently ‘only a bit’ wasn’t an acceptable answer. The speed in which that naked woman bolted into the shop to retrieve a horsewhip was out of this world. And then came a painful conversation about women’s feelings and a question about whether I wanted to carry on living with skin.

  With my strength it didn’t take long to walk her to the door of her apartment building. The stairs were tricky, but we managed it as she sang some Lady Gaga for me, which was nice, and she managed to get her key in the door first time.

  ‘Well, this is me, Berty. Thank you for a wonderful night, and I’ll call you about Saturday,’ she slurred slightly and pulled me into a hug before giving my cheek a smooch. ‘Stay, Mr Morris, and try to warm your cold ass up.’ With a smile she turned and walked into her apartment.

  ‘Chat soon, Rose,’ I replied and waved at her just as the door closed. I heard her kicking off her shoes. ‘Night, treacle,’ I shouted, and then smirked hearing her swearing and running for the door, but I was gone as expletives chased me down the stairs.

  I received my takeout order and a respectful nod from a chuckling Kirsty back at the pub who was on the phone to Rose. Kirsty happily informed me once the call had finished that Rose was swearing like a sailor about me taking the piss again, but my taxi arrived before I could defend my actions. So, I bid farewell to the bald-headed barmaid and jumped in the yellow cab to take me home and to a very happy-looking Jasper. The one thing I wasn’t so happy about was the car following behind me with Captain Hughes in it.

  As I walked into the building I knew Jasper could smell the meat and fries even before the bag came into sight.

  ‘Bert, you didn’t, you were on a date?’

  I shrugged. ‘This way I keep you loyal. Anytime we get into a shootout with the cops, you’ll have my back?’ I used my hand as a gun to shoot him.

  He laughed heartily and even winked. ‘Sorry, my man, cops and people of my colour don’t get on. They will just light me up in passing. So when they come for you, my black ass is running out the door the other way.’