The Victorian Vampire

by Nick James

  We laughed, and then I headed off to my apartment just as the phone was ringing. It turned out to be the man who was not willing to take a bullet for me, but eager to take all the food stuff I had brought forth to feed him. All he wanted was to ask where I had bought such foods of the gods and declared his fealty and love to my banner. In real terms, he just wanted to know when I was going back to get some more. The pig.

  In the early hours I texted Tracey to ask what she was going to do about the coven in London. What worried me most was the fact that she texted back a simple reply: don’t worry, I’ll deal with it and a smile emoji with a kiss at the end. It was just like the scientist working on the Manhattan Project saying the bomb would be loud when asked to describe how powerful it would be. But at least I was a continent away, so the fallout for me would be at a minimum.

  As the morning crept on I decided to join the mortals in the act of sleep, and I promised myself that I would tell Annabel and Veronica about Rose and the upcoming date. No doubt they were rolling about upstairs laughing at me, especially if both Suzies had got in on the act from heaven.

  Rose did text me from work mid-morning saying how much she enjoyed last night and how the bathtub featured as her bed for the first few hours of sleep, and I had to promise not to try and get her drunk again. I wanted to point out the fact that it was all her own doing – but, as she stated, women are never wrong, so deal with it. But we agreed that she would come over on Saturday night for a meal, although she insisted that it wouldn’t turn into a sleepover as Sharon’s parents were in town and her wonderful personality was needed.

  I hunted the next night, which was a quick and easy one. It was always nice when they attempted to take your wallet at knifepoint. I guess he wouldn’t be going home to his wife and six kids that he declared having and who were awaiting his return. I doubted what he said was true, but people say some funny things when they are about to die.

  Friday night came and I headed out to the shops to pick up some fresh steaks, and some blood which I claimed was for making black pudding, or blood pudding in some places, but it was really just a quick snack.

  I kept a lookout for that coven rent boy Ray Hughes. I didn’t detect him, but that didn’t mean he or another lackey weren’t in the crowds. I got home, unpacked my groceries, grabbed a wine glass of blood and settled down in front of the old idiot box to appease myself with Walter White and Jesse making meth for the populous. But just as the aforementioned Jesse said the word ‘bitch’ for the first time, there was a knock on my door. I knew it wasn’t my party-going neighbours as Jasper had told me that his fellow doormen had heard I was not their type of person, which took a weight off my mind. I was sure I could handle the disappointment of losing such tanned people.

  I instantly knew who it was, so I opened the door. ‘Hey, Sia, come on in,’ I said and moved aside to allow the posh frock-wearing, once Russian duchess to waltz her way in. ‘You okay?’

  ‘Da, I’m okay, just wanted to get away from the mansion.’ With all the grace of her previous station in life, she sat down and picked up my glass and sniffed it. ‘Net, are you drinking the blood of beasts?’

  I slammed my arse down next to her. ‘Yes, and what’s with all the Russian? You spoke like a New Yorker last time. What gives?’ I snatched my glass back in good humour and took a sip. Yes, it was cold and not a patch on the two-legged kind, but it saved going out.

  She folded her arms like a petulant child. ‘I told the coven that I wanted to move out and live alone like you. But they all came together and forbade me from leaving and refused to give me my money to buy a place,’ Anastasia spat angrily along with some Russian swearwords I didn’t understand, which I was happy about.

  As we shared the drink in silence, I allowed her to cuddle up to me. ‘So, I’m guessing your money isn’t in a bank or anything?’ I surmised and chuckled as the once Romanov royal stuck out her bottom lip.

  ‘No, they have a vault in the bottom of the manor. Samuel distributes the funds when needed,’ she mumbled. Her face was going red as she tried not to cry. It was a sight to behold. ‘How is your girlfriend? Rose, is it?’

  I gave her the glass, although she did pull a face when she drank the viscous fluid. I took out my hip flask and poured the rum that reminded me of home and good times into the glass, which made the old animal blood go down easier. ‘She’s okay thanks, coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Did the coven say anything?’

  Sia huffed a little, but that was due to the fact that she wanted me to bed her, which of course I wouldn’t as Rose and I were together. We had discussed this previously on a late-night text session. ‘I heard Hughes and Sebastian talking. They just said that you were at it again, nothing else, but would I watch you for them.’ She rested her head on my shoulder.

  ‘Thank you. Now what are we going to do about your money? I can lend you some, but not enough to buy a property,’ I offered. I did have enough, but I was hoping to buy this place at a later date.

  Her head moved and she looked at me strangely. ‘You would do that for me, lend me some money?’

  ‘Of course, imagine the interest I can earn. We could live forever.’ After which I received several painful slaps. ‘All right, all right. Damn woman, the huge solid stones on your rings hurt.’

  She gave a sad sigh and downed the rest of her drink before standing up. Then without a word she walked into my kitchen and took a bottle of wine from the rack, grabbed two glasses and came back and sat down. In silence she poured us full glasses, these were not small ones either, and then took a sip.

  ‘Simple,’ she said suddenly, breaking the silence. ‘We either ask them again nicely, or we rob them.’ She then burst into fits of giggles.

  And that was how the night went: drink and plans, each one more ludicrous than the first. We did end up in bed together, but as agreed Mr and Mrs Genitals did not shake hands. She didn’t want to go back home, and I didn’t want to try kicking out an unhappy Anastasia in the early hours.

  ‘Albert, can I ask you something?’ she whispered with her head on my chest.

  It was three a.m. and she wanted to chat. This didn’t bode well. ‘Of course, but I don’t have to answer if I don’t want to, okay?’

  She huffed again. ‘What did your wife say when you told her that you were a vampire?’ She gazed up at me with her caring eyes.

  ‘She called me a monster and refused to see me again. I didn’t see her for over a year,’ I said, giving her the partial truth. The real story was bad enough to live through the first time let alone reliving it all now. Some feelings never lessen over time.

  She leaned in and kissed me, pressing her lips onto mine, but this time as a friend not a lover. ‘That must have been hard but also amazing when she came round to see sense. You’re a great guy, even for a commoner.’ She was then tickled into submission.

  We allowed sleep to claim us and let the accursed sun do its morning warm-up while we hid.

  Midday arrived and Anastasia helped me to prepare dinner, and also to carry out a general clean-up, including the knickers she had left last time. I insisted that she take them home with her just in case Rose was nosey and had a look around. A used red thong in my washing basket would bring an unwanted conversation my way, and I think she still had some mileage on the whole ‘treacle’ debacle. Who knew the Yanks were avid watchers of classic British comedies?

  The sun had finally pissed off and the limo had pulled up to collect Anastasia. We had a hug and a politically correct kiss and she hoped that the night would go well. But before she went, Sia pulled me in close.

  ‘Albert, I know you love them, but hide your photos. When you tell her the truth, then you can share them. There are enough lies we have to tell anyway, so don’t increase it by having them on show,’ she advised and cupped my cheek. ‘Don’t sabotage yourself even before this has time to grow with Rose.’

  As I watched the limo drive away I knew she was right, so that’s what I did. I kissed my Anna goodb
ye, along with Veronica and the two Suzies, of whom the world would never know the likes again. All their pictures were wrapped in a nice linen tablecloth that my wife had embroidered as we sat together and watched the world go by.

  Everything was ready, I even had candles flickering away causing shadows to dance across my lounge, then there was a knock on the door. I had asked Jasper to let her straight up with a promise of more burgers to come from the bar near her place.

  I opened the door and there she stood with a larger-than-life smile and her shiny black hair hanging loose down her back. She was wearing a plum-coloured wrap-around dress with matching heels, but not aggressively high. We embraced and did the European kiss on both cheeks.

  ‘Hiya, please come in,’ I said, struggling not to utter the words that could cause me pain but loitered in my mind anyway: ‘Hello, treacle.’

  Rose eyed me carefully. ‘I see you are learning, Berty,’ she said and stepped into my apartment. ‘Holy fuck, have you been robbed?’

  I chuckled. ‘No, I just like it neat and not looking like it’s been hit by a whirlwind.’ I received a slap; she does seem to be a violent person. ‘Would you like a tour?’ She nodded quickly and took my hand as I showed her the apartment.

  ‘Jesus, Berty, are you rich?’ she asked and then immediately slapped her hand against her mouth. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. It’s none of my business.’ Her cheeks almost matched her dress.

  I pulled her into a warm hug. Well, she was warm and I was room temperature, which was always a fun conversation when it came up. Even today it weirds me out that we still digest things and use the bathroom, all without our heart beating.

  ‘Hey, don’t worry about it. And no, I am not rich. I’m just fairly comfortable,’ I explained as we made our way into the kitchen where I had a bottle of French red wine breathing away happily.

  ‘So, what have you made me today, Mr I Am Comfortable?’ she said, giving me a wink.

  I handed her a glass of red wine. ‘Just a simple bolognaise with tagliatelle and freshly made garlic bread, or I can cut up some French bread instead, depends on you?’ I asked.

  ‘Unlike other women, my lord, I love garlic. It’s only when you start firing from your ass cannon that it gets a bit stinky. But as I am a lady, that won’t be a problem for me. You, I’m not so hopeful about.’ She chuckled and leaned against the marble work surface as I finished preparing the food. ‘Well, I’ll leave you to it while I look out of your balcony at all the poor people dragging themselves back to their hovels.’ She walked away with her nose in the air and a perfect posture, which showed off her figure perfectly.

  And just like all the women I have known in my life, she ate the dinner like it was a competition. Rose wasn’t messy, but there was no conversation, just an easy silence as we ate. She wiped her mouth with a napkin.

  ‘That, Berty, was awesome. Good looking, comfortable and a cook – I might just keep you.’ She chuckled.

  ‘Would you like dessert? It’s chocolate mousse,’ I asked.

  She shook her head. ‘Oh no, I’ve overdone it, I’m afraid.’ She lifted up the napkin to disguise the little belch that escaped from her mouth. ‘Better out than in.’

  I stood up and cleared away the things to the kitchen where the greatest invention of our age would clean the dishes overnight. I walked back from the kitchen and saw Rose sitting on the sofa gazing into the real-gas effect fireplace. She turned to me with a smile as the flames reflected in her eyes.

  ‘Everything done, or do you have staff coming in the morning?’ She grinned.

  I sat down next to her and picked up my refilled wine glass. ‘Staff are nowhere to be seen in this house. So, how was Sharon? Did she grill you much after our date?’ I asked.

  ‘Nope, just jealous as hell. She’s always had a thing for you Limeys. But you’re my first foreigner, and I like it,’ she said softly, picking up the remote control and flicking through the channels.

  ‘Now, I will tell you this once,’ I advised sternly. ‘If you put on Downton Abbey, I will have you thrown out by my doorman,’ I growled when her channel hopping lingered too long on the show.

  ‘What about Jane Eyre?’ she said and started to pretend to fan herself. ‘Papa, I have the vapers.’ She placed her hand to her forehead and pretended to faint.

  I leaned forward and rested my face in my palms. ‘Jesus, kill me now,’ I groaned, and then felt her hug me from the side.

  ‘Oh, cheer up. Let’s watch Die Hard, it’s always a laugh,’ she said and started the movie. If I was honest and I was John McClane, I would’ve hidden, or just cried like a baby. But that’s just me. We chatted through the movie about her week, but soon the chat lessened as a tall German terrorist was angry about his brother being killed by Bruce. By the end of the film I had a small bit of drool on my shoulder as tiredness and a full belly had overcome her.

  I kissed her on the forehead as the credits started to roll. ‘Rose, wake up, love. It’s way past eleven,’ I said just loud enough to drag her from her slumber.

  ‘Awww, but you are so comfy,’ she murmured into my wet shoulder.

  ‘But you have that thing tomorrow with Sharon, or did you want to crash here?’ I asked, and her eyes locked with mine.

  She sat up and wiped her mouth and blushed slightly at the damp spot on my shirt. ‘Sorry about that. Oh, are you trying to seduce me, Mr Morris, because I’ll have you know that I am a lady.’ Somehow, she managed to hold in the laugh that was creeping up.

  ‘Of course not. I would never dare to tarnish such a reputation as your good lady,’ I said as I stood up and smoothed out my crinkled and now dribbled on shirt. She took my proffered hand, stood up and placed her lips on mine.

  ‘Not tonight, but maybe I can stay over in the week, eat out and enjoy ourselves, just not too much,’ she said softly, sporting a demure look. I nodded, and then she slammed her body against mine. ‘Cool, now get your butler to call me a cab, and I will see you…Wednesday?’

  I headed over and dialled for Jasper. ‘Sounds good to me,’ I said, and then the phone connected. ‘Hey, mate, can you get a cab for my date to Queens?’

  ‘No problem, Bert. Will it be bringing back a burger?’ Jasper probed.

  ‘No, no burger. Jesus, do you have tapeworms or something?’ I rolled my eyes at Rose, who was frowning as she could only hear my side of the conversation. ‘Just eat your sandwiches, or I have some leftover bolognaise with tagliatelle?’

  I could hear his leather-like skin creak as he smiled. He never said a word, but he knew his silence was wearing me down. He must have been a voodoo priest in a previous life or something. Finally, he broke his vow of silence. ‘I do like Italian food.’

  ‘Fine, I’ll heat some up and bring it down when the cab arrives,’ I grumbled, knowing that he had beaten me again.

  ‘You’re a good man, Mr Morris.’ Jasper chuckled as the line went dead.

  Rosie was now giggling as she knew about my and Jasper’s history.

  ‘Somehow I have adopted a large doorman who gets pissy when he’s not fed on time,’ I said in mock exasperation as I started to gather up the leftovers. The devil inside pushed to scrape the remains off our plates into the offering, but I ignored the fun suggestion.

  ‘Awwww, but it’s cute. I just have a homeless person I caught trying to bang a dead pigeon the other week, so consider yourself lucky, Berty,’ she said with mirth.

  The phone blipped telling us that the cab was downstairs. She gathered her coat and bag, and I carried a steaming bowl of food and some garlic bread. The man I delivered it to had a smile so big that it wouldn’t surprise me if ivory hunters were after him.

  Rose and I embraced and fell into a deep and sensual kiss before I opened the taxi door. I watched her get in before closing the door. We waved goodbye to each other through the back window of the departing yellow taxi. I then felt something that I hadn’t felt in a while: I felt alone.

  Jasper saw my dark mood as I
entered the well-laid out reception, so all we did was nod. I headed back to my empty apartment and sat there with a tumbler of Napoleon brandy. I then sent some texts to Tracey and Anastasia just to touch base.

  Tracey said she was fine and that she was set up with a gunrunner who was in town on some business for the week, but she wasn’t worried about the coven as her new beau’s security guards beat up the snooping little shit who had been tracking her for them. Her words, not mine.

  Sia was another thing. The coven had voted and decided again to refuse her access to her funds and she was now under house arrest. I felt bad things were going to happen to these covens, and soon.

  Chapter 18

  I found my mood of late dark. On several of my jaunts out to feed and also to provide food for my adopted love child Jasper, I had spotted the coven crotch sniffer Captain Ray Hughes. I saw pain in that man’s future. The only thing that held me back was not knowing how far up the New York Police Department’s chain of command the coven’s influence went, so making him disappear would be tricky and could bring a lot of trouble my way.

  Not only that irritant, but Tracey had gone quiet. Her phone was now dead. That concerned me; her phone was her life. It did make me wonder if she had pushed the UK chapter of the coven. Okay, that makes it sound like a B-movie. Or perhaps the flavour of the week had tired of her company, but if that had happened it would normally go either of two ways: They part on good terms, they kiss and at some point Tracey empties his bank account by stealing all his information as he sleeps. Or they fight and he gets someone to make her disappear – in that case, the man in question and his minions would be torn limb by limb. But there was nothing I could do from the other side of the pond.

  Anastasia was my main concern because they had withdrawn all limo privileges and her phone. It was only because I had told her to always have a spare phone hidden, as you never knew when you might need it, which was the case now, that she had one.