Renewed (Shattered #3)

by Heather D'Agostino

  "Ok," I mumbled.

  "The pain you were experiencing," she turned toward Leah, "was the placenta starting to separate from the wall of the uterus."

  "What does that mean?" I tried to make sense of what she was telling me, but all I got out it was that if things continued that the baby wouldn't survive.

  “I’m afraid that’s not the only problem you’re facing,” the doctor slid the wand lower on Leah’s belly. “You are also suffering from what we call Placenta Previa. That means that the placenta is blocking the birth canal. If you were to go into labor and progress quickly," the doctor darted her eyes between the two of us, "then you both could bleed to death."

  Leah began shaking her head from side-to-side, “No, no you can’t take my baby.” She gripped her belly as her shoulders shook with sobs.

  "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but it's my professional opinion that you terminate this pregnancy," she turned the ultrasound machine off, and handed Leah some tissues to clean the jelly off.

  The quiet that had settled in the room disappeared as I watched Leah roar with anger, "Get out! You're not taking my baby away! "Get out!" she sobbed as she rolled onto her side so her back was to the doctor.

  Dr. Singh nodded silently and then looked over at me, "I'll give you two some time to think about this and come up with a decision, but I suggest that you make it quickly."

  I nodded without replying as I dropped my head into my hands and wept for the child I’d never know. Dr. Singh silently slipped out of the room leaving Leah and myself to mourn our loss.

  Chapter 3

  Leah

  Nick stood from the chair he’d pulled up alongside my bed, “I’m gonna,” he pointed at the door like he wasn’t sure how to put his actions into words. I nodded numbly as I watched him shuffle his feet and stuff his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

  Tears streamed down my face as I tried to make sense of what was happening. We’d only been here a little over twelve hours, and my world had changed drastically. Nick looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. His hair was sticking up in every direction. Stubble ran along his jaw where he’d missed his morning shave. The jeans he was wearing were rumpled along with his shirt.

  When he stepped out into the hallway, the cries that I'd been fighting to hold in finally broke free. The cries that filled my room sounded more like a wounded animal than a person. It was as if a dam had broken free, and now that I'd started I'd never be able to stop.

  I don't know how long I sat there in that cold, bleak room, but the longer I was there the more determined I became to have this baby. God was not going to take anyone else from me. He'd already taken my mother, he wasn't getting my baby too. Frustration and determination soon replaced the hurt I was feeling, and as I pressed the call button on my bed I decided that no one was going to sway my decision.

  When the nurse finally came in, she had a look of pity. She knew what the doctor had told me, and she thought I was going to give up. It was obvious she didn't know who she was looking at.

  "I'd like to be discharged," I jutted my chin in the air as I wiped tears from the corners of my eyes.

  "Miss Carmichael," the nurse wrinkled her forehead. "The doctor advises that you stay."

  "I plan on leaving today. There's nothing anyone can say that's going to change my mind, so whatever I need to sign to get out of here…please bring it to me."

  "Let me find Dr. Singh and let her know you want to leave," the nurse scurried out of the room just as I flung the covers off my legs, and swung them over the edge of the bed.

  As I looked around the room for my clothes from the day before, Nick came shuffling back into the room. He was staring at his feet deep in thought and didn't even look up at me at first.

  “I want to go home,” I tried to keep my voice even as I waited for him to respond.

  Nick's head jerked up and his eyes widened in surprise, "What?"

  "I don't want to stay here. I'm having this baby. I don't care what they say," I whispered as I reached down and hugged my belly.

  "No," Nick's head slowly moved from side-to-side. "You heard what the doctor said."

  “I’m having this baby Nick. Now you can help me get out here, or you can get out of my way, but I’m leaving,” I stood from the bed and made my way over to where my bag was sitting in a chair with my shoes and dress from the day before. “I’m getting dressed. Find the nurse so she can take this IV out.”

  Nick shook his head at me again, "We can't Leah. You can't have this baby. The doctor said…" he trailed off.

  “I’m not gonna die,” I mumbled as I turned to gaze out the window. For a winter day, it looked nice out. People were milling around outside, and the sun was shining down on the bare trees.

  "Leah…" Nick's lip quivered and he bit down on it to stop it. "I can't watch you do this. This baby…I can't let you sacrifice yourself." He moved to stand in front of me, "Please?"

  I shook my head as I glanced back down on the bed, "I'm gonna be fine. The doctor said maybe…not definitely."

  “No…I can’t lose you. We’ll have more babies, I promise,” he moved to his knees in front of me…“please…don't do this," he begged.

  He placed his head in my lap, and I felt his tears begin soaking through my hospital gown. I knew he was hurting, but I also knew that I couldn’t give up on this baby. “Maybe this is my purpose,” I decided to change tactics. “Maybe this is why I’m here. Maybe this baby,” I caressed my belly “is going to change the world. Maybe it’s the key to some major problem out there, or something that hasn’t even happened yet.” I cried as I watched his shoulders shake. "I'm gonna be fine…you'll see. I'm keeping this baby, and I'm gonna be fine."

  “You can do this to me," he looked up at me with red-ringed eyes and pleaded. "What if something does happen? What if the doctor's right and I lose you? What then?"

  “You’re gonna make a great dad to our baby, Nick. You’ll take care of it just like you did Cam, and you’ll love it like you love me," I smiled a watery smile as I fought for the life inside me.

  "How do you expect me to love a baby that takes you away from? Tell me…how am I supposed to love it knowing that it lived so you could die?"

  "That's not gonna happen, I can feel it," I whispered as I brushed his hair off his forehead. "This baby's gonna do great things, and I'm gonna be fine."

  Nick shifted slightly at my feet, and that’s when it happened. A grin broke out on my face as I felt the life in me move for the first time. "Nick?" I tapped his shoulder causing him to lift his head. I grabbed his hand, and slid it to where I'd felt the baby.

  "What?" he cocked his head to the side.

  "Do you feel that?" I slid his hand around until the baby moved again.

  Nick smiled and nodded, "Is that?"

  "Yeah," I began to cry. "It's your son."

  Nick leaned in and placed his cheek against my abdomen as the baby shifted again, "You think it's going to be a boy?"

  "I do…it's just a feeling, but I do," I nodded as the baby kicked again, this time with quite a bit of force. "We can't give up on him. He's telling us to fight. I have to fight for my son, it's what a mother's supposed to do. I can't give up," I sniffed and rubbed the back of my hand across my face.

  “Never give up,” Nick murmured as he leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to my belly before letting his eyes dart over to where the same words graced my hip. The gown covered it at the moment, but we both knew what he meant. He rocked back on his feet, and sighed as he swallowed the lump in this throat before looking up at me. "Fine," he sighed. "We'll fight for our son. Let's get you out of here, and back home."

  “Thank you,” I murmured as I leaned forward to place a kiss to his lips. "I want to leave Pittsford today. I want to go back to our house," I mumbled against his lips.

  Nick stiffened, "Do you really think that's a good idea with all this going on?"

  "Yes, Pittsford brings nothing but bad memories. I want to leave as soon as we
can. Our friends and family will understand. I wanna get married on the beach like we first planned. I wanna have this baby in Wilmington."

  Nick’s eyes soften more with each request that tumbled from my lips. I could tell that he understood more than what he was letting on. He knew this town brought me nothing but pain, but he also knew that my family and friends were here. I could tell that when he brought me back, he was only trying to do what I wanted. Now, all I wanted was to leave.

  "Let me go find the nurse so we can get out of here," he gave me a half-smile as he pushed to his feet.

  I nodded and turned back to face the window as I heard the door to my hospital room click closed.

  ooooooooo

  Nick

  Once outside her door, I slid to the floor and buried my face in my hands. This couldn’t be happening. We were doing so well. We’d finally gotten ourselves to a place where we were happy, and now this. I couldn’t help but feel angry at the universe. Angry that Leah was making a choice that I didn’t agree with. I understood why she was doing it, but I didn’t agree with it. The thought of losing her again, this time for good, had me blaming myself. If we’d been more careful, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. If I’d just been more responsible, we wouldn't be in this situation. This was my fault. If Leah were to lose her life, it would be all my fault.

  My shoulders shook as I let go of the anguish I’d been holding on to. I was supposed to me married today. We were supposed to be celebrating one of the happiest moments of our lives, not making impossible choices. I pushed myself to a standing position and growled as I punched the wall beside me. "Damn it!" I roared. "What did I do to deserve this?" I threw my head back just as a nurse stopped to touch my shoulder.

  "Sir?” her voice was soft, tentative almost. "I have Miss Carmichael's discharge papers."

  "Thank you," I blew out a breath and pushed open the door to Leah's room. "Baby?" I leaned in to find Leah sitting on the bed, already dressed to leave.

  “Can someone please take this out?” Leah lifted her arm where the plastic tubing was still attached.

  “That’s why I’m here Miss Carmichael,” the nurse came in and went to work removing the IV. She rattled off some instructions about bed rest, and taking it easy, letting the doctor know as soon as any pain arose again, or bleeding, and to make sure the doctor in Wilmington saw her once a week to monitor any changes. Leah nodded along with the nurse's instructions, and thanked her before she left.

  "Ready?" She smiled at me as she stood and grabbed my arm.

  "Huh?" I shook my head as I turned confused eyes on her.

  "We can go," she motioned for the door. "I want to get out of here now."

  "Shouldn't we wait for a wheelchair or something," I bit the inside of my cheek as I watched her. I was glad she'd been listening to the nurse's instructions because I had zoned out.

  Leah shook her head, "No. I just want to get out of here, please?" she begged. "I can walk."

  "All right," I conceded. "Let's get you back to your Dad's and I'll pack our things."

  ooooooooo

  The ride from Washburn back to Pittsford was a quiet one. Leah spent most of the ride picking at the bottom of her dress or staring out the window. I wasn't sure what to say to her to get her to talk. I was worried that the depression she'd experienced the year before was invading her senses. The longer we drove, the more withdrawn she seemed to get. It was almost as if she'd already played out in her mind how everything was going to happen.

  "You'll love this baby, right?" she murmured without looking at me. "I mean… if I don't…" she trailed off still staring out the window.

  “I…” I stopped as I thought about it. Could I love a child that took its mother from me? Could I look at it each day knowing that it was the reason that she wasn't here? I wasn't sure at the moment, but I knew that Leah needed me. "It would be a part of you…of course I would love it."

  She nodded pensively as she began twisting a piece of hair around her index finger, "I know you're gonna make a great dad."

  I waited for her to say more, but she didn’t. I glanced in her direction to see her shoulders shake slightly as she fought to hold herself together. “And you’re gonna make a great mom,” I murmured. She didn’t acknowledge me, and I wondered if it was her way of saying that she didn’t think she’d be around to be a mom. As quickly as the thought entered my head, I pushed it out. I needed to be the strong one for this. Leah was always the one holding it together when things fell apart. I needed to take that burden for a while. I wasn’t going to let her give up. I needed her to believe in us. To cling to the small amount of hope that was there. I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she slumped against the window and closed her eyes. As she drifted off to sleep, the truck fell silent, and my mind began to spin out of control with all the ‘what ifs' we were facing. This was not how I imagined this weekend ending, not at all.

  Chapter 4

  Leah

  The ride home to Wilmington three days before had been a quiet one. Nick hadn’t said much, but when he would look at me I could tell. I could tell he was mad, mad at me for choosing this baby over him. I knew there was a chance that I wouldn’t make it. That this baby would take me from him, but I loved my child. Wasn’t it a parent’s duty to do whatever they could to protect their children? I may not know this baby, but I love it more than I can put into words and I’m willing to sacrifice whatever it takes.

  Now here I sit, propped up in bed. Nick has made sure that I follow doctor’s orders. Other than going to the bathroom and showering, I’m supposed to stay here in bed until delivery day. With my condition, this baby is going to have to be delivered via C-section. I'm not real happy about that, but I don't have any other choice.

  The first day we were home, Nick spent it with me. Rubbing my feet, bringing me snacks, helping me take a bath, he doted on me constantly. By the time the afternoon rolled around the next day, he was driving me nuts. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that he wants to take care of me, but I need some space. I’m not used to having to rely on someone to do everything for me. I’ve always been independent, and Nick was hovering over me like I was broken. We got in an argument last night over the fact that I wanted ice cream, and he didn't want to leave me to go to the store. I've tried to tell him that he's going to have to leave me eventually to go back to work. Right now he's home because it's winter break for the campus. As soon as that's over, and the spring semester begins, he'll be back to his long hours in the field house. Weight training starts up soon for the football team to get ready for next season. I finally won the argument, and Nick left to get me my Rocky Road, grumbling the whole way to the door.

  Have I mentioned yet how bad being on bed rest sucks? I mean you can’t do anything, and the people that tell you nothing good comes on TV anymore, well listen to them…they’re right. I’ve been sitting here all morning, and nothing worth watching has come on. Nick hasn’t been in to check on me for over an hour…I think that might be a record. He has been on the phone a lot this morning though. I have no idea who he’s talking to though. Whomever it is, he’s trying to keep it from me. He keeps talking in hushed whispers and won’t get close enough to our room for me to overhear.

  Before I could really think more on that, the doorbell rang. I have no idea who would be coming over. I do know that Nick said he needed to go out and run a few errands. I think being cooped up in the house is beginning to get to him too. I sighed as I flopped back against the pillows behind me. It would be just like him to call a babysitter for me. I know I may need help, and he's just worried, but it's getting to be ridiculous.

  “Where is she?” I heard the familiar voice of my best friend, and it brought a smile to my face. Nick soon rounded the corner to push the bedroom door open, and there he stood with Avery.

  “Hey bitch,” Avery grinned as she bounced into the room.

  "Who are you calling a bitch?" I grinned back at her.

  "Well from what I've heard y
ou've been a little difficult to deal with," she shrugged as she flopped across the end of the bed.

  I turned my eyes on Nick who was now looking at the floor like it was very interesting and scowled. I knew I’d been short tempered lately, but I had a right to be. "You can go now that you got a sitter for me," I narrowed my eyes on him.

  He sighed and nodded silently as he turned and left us, “see you later” came muffled from the hallway.

  "So," Avery turned back to face me as she rolled her eyes "how are you?"

  “Ok I guess,” I blew out a breath as I reached for the remote and clicked the TV off. "Bored out of my mind…worried…aggravated…" I trailed off.

  "I'm sorry," she sucked her bottom lip in and averted her gaze.

  "Hey," I reached for her hand. "I'm going to be fine…you'll see."

  She nodded silently as she wiped at her eyes before looking back at me, "I know, but I can't lose you."

  "You won't," I squeezed her hand before adding "you're going to make a great aunt."

  “Aunt Avery,” she mumbled to herself before turning a bright smile toward me "I like it."

  “Me too,” I grinned. “Now…no more depressing stuff. I get enough of that from Nick."

  "Ok," Avery's head bobbed. "What do you want to talk about?"

  I grinned and chewed on my lower lip, "How's Cam?"

  Avery rolled her eyes as she propped herself up on her elbow, "You can ask him yourself. He's out with Nick right now."

  "What?" I gasped.

  “He came with me to help. He’s out with Nick right now. Sarah’s parents wanted Aaron for the week, so Cam decided to come too,' Avery dipped her chin as she began to pick at the blanket on the bed.

  "What's going on with you two," I nudged her with my foot.

  “I don’t know,” she grumbled. “I mean…I like him,” she glanced up at me “but I don’t know if I'm ready to be a mom."

  “Did he ask you to be a mom?” I could tell by the way Avery signed and shifted around that she wanted something to happen between the two of them, she just wasn't sure what.