Impasse

by Margaret Pargeter

  'Pleasant!' his mouth twisted in a sneer. 'You were draped all over the last fool you danced with. Don't forget, I remember how you used to be.'

  'I was young,' she gasped, unable to associate this glowering stranger with the man she had been so close to all evening. 'And I never did more than smile at anyone in the old days, I suppose as a kind of experiment. You should know just how far I didn't go!' she reminded him bitterly.

  That didn't stop him abusing her. 'You had all the inclinations, though. If I hadn't stepped in when I did you would have gone off with the next man who asked you. Don't try and tell me that all that passion could have been locked up indefinitely!'

  Feeling like hitting him, she shouted, 'You forced me to go with you, and now you can only resort to insults!'

  'I took you away for your own good, but your dishonest tendencies seemingly haven't been cured. I warned you what could happen if you were caught again, but you can't learn, can you? Most of my mother's jewellery is safely locked away, but you could probably find something if you looked hard enough.'

  'You're despicable!' she cried, when a clatter at the other far end of the corridor spun them both around sharply.

  There was no one there. Their argument briefly forgotten, Slade went to investigate, but found nothing. 'The wind must have rocked something,' he said. 'There's a window open.'

  Lee felt too wounded to give it a second thought. Slade still distrusted her. She must have been crazy to imagine he intended marrying her. Her eyes filled with tears which, in turn, filled the man watching her with a rough kind of remorse. With a muffled exclamation, he gathered her abruptly to him.

  'Oh, Lee!' he groaned. 'Maybe the girl you are, I've helped to make. I certainly don't seem to have been a good influence, but let's not quarrel over it.'

  'Someone spilt something on my dress,' she sobbed. 'I came up here to wash it out. That's all I've been doing, I promise you.'

  He smoothed her head against his chest, searching for a handkerchief. 'I'm sorry, Lee,' he murmured as he dried her eyes, but she could tell he wasn't sure what to believe. 'Let's forget about it,' he repeated. 'The party's nearly over, I think we can safely leave. We still have things to settle, and Lydia's quite capable of saying goodbye to the last of the guests.'

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  By the time she was seated in his car, Lee felt considerably better. She had shown Slade the stained damp patch on her dress and he had suddenly recalled hearing snatches of talk about the incident downstairs. He had apologised so anxiously that Lee had eventually forgiven him, and the hurt that still lingered had been with her for so many years that she had learned somehow to live with it.

  Slade glanced at her as she sat beside him, looking small and vulnerable. He didn't really believe she had been going to steal anything. He didn't altogether trust her, but his instincts had convinced him, long ago, that she wasn't a thief. Certain facts remained that couldn't be easily explained, but, this evening, it had been seeing her laughing so happily with other men that had aroused an ungovernable rage within him. There had been some talk flying around about an accident with some wine, but when he couldn't see Lee he had been so sure she had disappeared into the gardens with her last partner that he hadn't stopped to think. He had searched the grounds, and his temper had reached a dangerously high level before he had found her upstairs. It had been too late to control himself, and he had accused her of other things in order to hide his rampant and, as it had turned out, unjustifiable jealousy which, at all costs, she must never suspect. She aroused in him too many feelings he didn't understand and was determined to ignore. Certainly he didn't want Lee, with her deplorable feminine intuition, having a field-day dissecting his emotions. He felt bad enough as things were.

  When he made no immediate attempt to start the car, but after a first swift glance at her lapsed into a forbidding silence, Lee became tense again. She didn't want to start examining the underlying issues of Slade's attack on her, because she knew it could only stem from one thing, a fundamental distrust that had never died. And if she had ever thought the time had come to explain what had really happened, that night in his mother's bedroom so many years ago, having learned that Ann Bowie was still with his mother and her son Ray was now working for him, her hands seemed tied more than ever. How could she take her own happiness at the expense of others, especially as there was no guarantee that if Slade knew the truth it would make any difference?

  'I could have gone home with Julia and Nigel,' she said unevenly, when Slade's silence and her own thoughts grew more than she could bear.

  'No!' He turned to her quickly, catching her hand and carrying it to his lips as he gathered her suddenly into his arms. He looked pale, even in the dim light, though she just caught a brief glimpse of his face before he laid his hard cheek against hers. For a while he just held her, twisting his lean body so he didn't hurt her but as if it was imperative that she was close to him. She felt the hard strength of his legs pressing against her slighter limbs and, as her whole being began to throb, she wondered helplessly how he could draw such an overwhelming response from her, merely by holding her like this.

  'Sweetheart!' he groaned. 'I realise I've made a hash of what promised to be a perfect evening, but it's going to kill me if you won't forgive me, really forgive me, I mean. I was scared when I couldn't find you. I feared…'

  When he clamped down on his next words, Lee believed it was because of a reluctance to speak of his distrust again. But because the hand that lightly caressed her shook slightly, she excused him. He was usually so self-assured that even a small hint of vulnerability made her heart swell with love for him, blotting out all her resentment. Wasn't she more to blame than he was for the doubts he still harboured, for hadn't he had only the evidence of his own eyes?

  Not trying to hide her love, she turned her head and kissed him softly. 'You're forgiven,' she said gently.

  He sighed and she felt him relax. 'Those men you danced with…'

  Because the words seemed torn from him, she told him quickly, 'They meant nothing.'

  He smiled with unmistakable relief and after dropping a swift kiss on her lips released her to start the car. 'I felt like punching their faces in!'

  'That shouldn't make me feel better, but it does,' she giggled, thinking of one or two elegant noses that wouldn't have benefited from such treatment.

  Slade slanted her a wry glance. 'We always shared the same sense of humour, however twisted.'

  Lee suddenly became aware, as he left the drive, that he had turned in the direction of Reading. 'Why aren't you taking me home?' she asked, since it was well after midnight.

  'I can't part with you yet.' His mouth tightened. 'And I'm not sharing you with a horde of lodgers who are going to wonder what's going on should we linger too long in the lounge or I followed you upstairs.'

  She didn't know why she should feel so reluctant to go with him when they had been apart for three weeks and he was so eager for her company. Yet if he intended proposing, why did he feel it necessary to take her to Reading? Wouldn't his house or hers have been much more appropriate? Whereabouts in Reading could they go to, anyway?

  When she asked and was told his flat, she felt more doubtful than ever. 'I'd rather go straight back to River Bend, Slade. The horde of lodgers you refer to are my friends, and they would never intrude.'

  'All the same,' he replied with renewed confidence, 'I prefer the flat, and I promise to get you home before daybreak.'

  She had forgotten about the flat. It was part of the factory complex but with a separate entrance. 'It's more convenient,' Slade explained as he drew up outside. 'It means I can come and go when I have to be here, without bothering Security.'

  No other houses were near and there was no one around, but Lee was still reluctant to go in. Belief that Slade would ask her to marry him was fast fading, and though she hadn't been able to resist him before, this new move of his seemed to reduce what was between them to something oddly distasteful. She had
been determined, for her own peace of mind, not to continue allowing herself to be used merely to satisfy his needs, and if she went into the flat with him wouldn't that give exactly the opposite impression? Wouldn't he then be justified in thinking he had every right to make further demands on her?

  'I'd still rather go home,' she said stiffly.

  'Lee, come here!' he begged, his hands reaching out for her, going expertly over her, drawing her against him fiercely. 'Stop being awkward!'

  She winced and drew back, intent on pushing him away, but her resistance didn't even last that long as powerful emotions began sweeping over her. She knew Slade was affected, too, as the eyes fixed on her started smouldering. His breathing changed, becoming short and laboured, while his heart thundered against her as if threatening to leap out of his body. Awed, as always, that she could excite him like this, she forgot everything but the wild warm madness that began pounding through her veins.

  Blindly she raised her face and began kissing him, pressing her mouth over the hard bones of his face, giving in to an urgent desire to touch and taste every part of him.

  As if her lips tormented beyond endurance, he groaned and his mouth sought hers, his expertise turning it into a sensual experience that left her dizzy and clamouring for more. A deep hunger drove them, increasing the passionate intensity of their embrace until Lee's treacherous body and even her mind was entirely submissive again.

  Eventually they had to draw apart in order to breathe. 'Slade,' Lee whispered huskily, feeling his hot breath fanning her face, 'if only this could last for ever!'

  He bent his lips to the rapid pulse in her throat and she was shaken by fresh waves of pleasure. 'You're the only woman I want, Lee,' he groaned. 'I haven't brought you here for a one-night stand—you must believe me!'

  'If only…' she sighed.

  He lifted his head with a frown, trying to read her expression in the darkness. 'If only—what?'

  'I don't know,' she twisted restlessly. 'Perhaps I wish this wasn't all we had.'

  His arms tightened, but his voice was drier. 'I think we have an awful lot that I'm sure neither of us would want to exchange for another kind of relationship for which, as I've already told you, neither of us is suited and which we would soon regret.'.

  She winced that he sounded so convinced. 'Why should we regret anything that could only make what we already have more secure?'

  'Security can kill ether things,' he retorted curtly.

  'Not if we truly belonged to each other,' she countered, conscious of the pleading note in her voice.

  His mouth went stubborn and suddenly he was out of the car, hauling her with him, keeping a tight hold of her while he opened the lift and thrust her into it. 'We have to talk,' he muttered, banging the grille behind them as Lee was still trying to gather her scattered wits. 'I've been making plans while I've been away.'

  'Plans?' she queried uncertainly, not sure that she wanted to hear them as the lift shot upwards.

  'In a moment,' he said, as they were deposited in a small hall and he operated the complicated combination lock on the floor of the flat. Seconds later he was closing the door behind them and guiding Lee into a spacious lounge. Relieving her of her coat, he threw it over a chair with his own. 'You've never been here before, have you?' he smiled.

  'You know I haven't.' She glanced tensely around the comfortable modern room. Her surroundings didn't interest her nearly as much as Slade's face. All his habitual self-assurance had returned. He was smiling, but she only felt depressed. 'What plans have you made?' she asked dully, refusing a drink.

  He shrugged and waved her to sit down. When she did he came and sat beside her. 'I want to see more of you,' he said firmly. 'I've been deciding the best way we can live together.'

  Lee sighed. It was going to be a repetition of their former argument. 'I've outgrown a no-commitment kind of relationship, Slade,' she retorted, with a kind of impotent weariness.

  Impatiently he shot back, 'What else can you suggest for us? We want each other, but otherwise we have little in common. You have to accept that and stop acting childishly.'

  Lifting her chin, she asked courageously, 'Is it childish to want something like marriage?'

  She could see how her frankness shook him, because he moved restlessly. 'Not for some people, perhaps, but for us it could be a disaster. Besides, it's much easier to part if one hasn't to go through the fuss of a divorce.'

  Hurt tore through her. 'I'd still rather marry, Slade.'

  She felt his withdrawal even though he slipped a persuasive arm around her. 'We're neither of us the marrying kind, Lee, you know that. I've never pretended to be. I hate being tied and, as we're apparently speaking frankly, I don't believe you have the qualities that make a good wife. You're far too reckless and irresponsible.'

  Lee felt her hands perspiring and gripped them tightly. He kept telling her this. Was he trying to convince her or himself? He was offering her an affair, but that wasn't what she wanted. She had sunk her pride by revealing that she would be willing to marry him, but he was only considering his desires, not hers. If he had cared for her, wouldn't hers have had at least some importance?

  'Let's do things my way,' he smiled, believing she was weakening towards him.

  'It isn't enough,' she replied unsteadily. He didn't begin to understand how she felt, she could see that. If there was nothing standing in their way she believed a man or woman who felt deeply enough to live with each other should be willing, eventually, to make the final commitment. But, she thought bitterly, what happiness would marriage hold for her if Slade didn't love her and was totally against it? If she was unhappy now, how much worse would she feel with a reluctant husband?

  'It would be enough,' his eager voice broke through her silent agonising, 'I'd see you had everything you could possibly want.'

  'Except you…'

  He frowned. 'You would have me most of the time, my sweet, but if I had to be away and for some reason couldn't take you with me, you have your writing. I know you're doing extremely well, and I certainly wouldn't be selfish enough to ask you to give it up.'

  He kissed her gently, leaving her with the impression that he had decided tender reasoning would get him what he wanted as fast as anything. Restively she struggled from his embrace, feeling too suffocated by his persuasive tones to be able to think clearly. It would be so easy to give in to him, to let him take the burden of everything that worried her off her shoulders. Just to have someone to lean on, to share her troubles as well as her happiness, was a great temptation. But once she began being that dependent on him, how would she ever be able to manage without him when she had to again? And she had told him she had changed. If she gave in to him he might never believe it.

  Hot tears spilled down her cheeks and her heart was heavy with confusion. She wanted to be with him always. She loved him, but he considered her as an attractive plaything rather than a partner for life. Yet if she lived with him wouldn't it be better than nothing? No one could fault his generosity, and they were compatible in so many ways. If she had lived with him once, why couldn't she do so again?

  But he didn't love her and, after all this time, she feared he never would. And without his love would she ever be happy? She wanted a real marriage, not the pretence of one. Now that she was older, she wanted a future built not only on passion but mutual love and respect.

  When Slade had first come back, she had sensed that he was consumed by a savage anger, but tonight this seemed to have been replaced by a much softer emotion. Foolishly, for a while, she had hoped that his feelings for her were deepening into something real and lasting, but she knew that was impossible. He thought no more of her than any other woman he had taken out. She had to say no to him, unless she wanted to see her life in far greater ruins in the years to come than it was today.

  'You don't know what you're asking,' she said sharply, realising she had to be strong and drive him away. 'I'd be a fool to let history repeat itself and put myself at your
mercy again. I've suddenly discovered I could never be happy with a man like you.'

  Her answer visibly shocked him. He had been counting on her capitulation, on her femininity being unable to resist the life of material comfort and sexual bliss he offered. 'A man like me?' he exploded, dark colour washing into his face.

  'Slade…!'

  'You don't have to spell it out,' he snapped. 'I may be a bit slow on the uptake, but I know exactly what you mean. I'm the biggest heel imaginable because I won't fall in with the plans you've made.'

  'Plans?' she exclaimed. 'What plans? You were the one making plans. Until just recently I was engaged to your cousin.'

  'And then I came back,' green eyes narrowed to a scornful black. 'I thought Matt was the only fool in the family but I needn't have forced you to break your engagement, need I? As soon as you saw I was still attracted, you set your sights higher and would have broken your engagement, anyway. But now you've discovered I'm not as gullible as Matt, you're mad!'

  Lee went white and her voice was full of pain. 'Your opinion of me alone should tell you that there's little point in our seeing each other again.'

  'You intend returning to Matt or taking up with some other man?'

  'No!' Her throat was so-tight she could scarcely speak. She had to escape before the hurt he was inflicting tore her to pieces. Jumping up, she made for the door, only to find it firmly locked and Slade right behind her. 'I'm going home!' she cried.

  'You aren't going anywhere!' he muttered hoarsely, swinging her about, as pale as she was and just as determined. 'I don't believe you want to. You wouldn't have come with me in the first place unless you'd wanted to.' Savagely his arms tightened, his mouth crushing the hot words she was about to utter back down her throat.

  'This is our best line of communication,' he muttered thickly, minutes later against her bruised lips. 'We only argue when we talk.'

  Lee was shattered by the burning excitement he aroused and the feverish brilliance of his eyes. By contrast her heart seemed consumed by live pain. 'Take me home,' she entreated brokenly. 'Let me out and I'll walk.'