Letting You Go

by Anouska Knight

  ‘I know. But he asked Mal to carry on taking flowers for Dill, every birthday, Alex, in the evening when us lot had all finished paying our respects. The mayor didn’t want Dill’s memory lost to the Sinclairs. That’s why Mal was at St Cuthbert’s, when Mum got ill. He was leaving flowers … for his half-brother. Our half-brother.’

  Tears began sliding down one of Jem’s cheeks. Jem looked even more like their mum when she cried.

  Alex leant over the armrests and huddled against her sister. Mum. Alex hadn’t even thought about her in the hospital since Jem had started to talk. So Mal had upset Blythe then. Her dad had been right. Because he knew what Mal and Blythe would have been talking about when Mal had turned up with the evening flowers.

  ‘Dad knows, Jem.’ The flowers had confirmed it. It was all starting to fall into place. Like a ghost, Susannah had said. Ted had looked like a ghost, sitting in Frobisher’s Tea Rooms with the mayor’s wife.

  Jem wiped at her face. ‘We don’t know for sure though do we, Alex?’

  ‘No. We don’t. But I think Louisa told him. Dad wasn’t on a callout the day Dill fell in the river, Jem. He with Louisa in Frobisher’s Tea Rooms. Susannah Finn saw them. Deep in conversation. Can you think of anything else they’d have been in deep conversation about?’

  Jem shook her head, Alex felt the guilt at having thought her dad had been sleeping with Louisa. For jumping to the same conclusion Susannah had when all along, it had been her dad who’d been betrayed.

  Alex let her mind trail off. She closed her eyes and heard her father’s voice through her head. He was my boy. Mine! Dillon Edward Foster! He was my son! And then last night, when Ted had been broken hearted as the drink had gotten the best of him. I should never have been with her that day, listening to her poison. I should’ve been with my boy.

  ‘Alex?’ Jem called softly. ‘You’re spilling your coffee.’

  Alex righted her cup. ‘Louisa told him he’d been raising another man’s son.’

  The words twisted in Alex’s throat on their way out but they hung heavy with truth when she heard them. Alex remembered stumbling from the copse of trees across her dad in the layby, sitting there ghostlike in his cab. Hands braced on the wheel.

  ‘No wonder he’d thought the worst of me and Finn. If Mum could behave like that …’ Alex trailed off.

  ‘We can’t tell Dad that we know. It would kill him,’ Alex finally said.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Jem asked.

  ‘He’d already lost Dill, Jem. Don’t you see? Before Dill had even fallen into the water, Dad had already lost him. And then Dill died. And even Louisa decided to let it be. That’s what Dad has been afraid of, Jem, seeing you with Malcolm … he didn’t want you to find out. We can’t bring it all up again now, Jem. For Dad’s sake. As soon as this is spoken out loud and people learn the truth, Dad will lose Dill all over again.’

  ‘But Malcolm has already spoken to Mum about it, Alex!’

  ‘But Mum doesn’t know that we know, does she?’

  ‘No. I mean, I haven’t said anything.’

  ‘And do you think that Mal would be discreet? If we asked him?’

  ‘On whose behalf, Alex? Mum’s? The woman who nearly stole his dad away? Who gave birth to his half-brother and never said a word in all the time I was friends with him? Or do you mean on Dad’s behalf, who’s bust Mal’s balls at every opportunity in a bid to scare him off? Mal hasn’t got any loyalties to either of our parents, Alex. We can’t expect him to have.’

  Jem put her head in her hands. Alex exhaled slowly. It occurred to her then, they’d been forgetting someone in all this. ‘What about loyalty to Dill? I don’t love Dill any less for being my half-brother. Do you?’

  ‘Of course not, Al.’

  ‘Well Dill was as much Mal’s brother as he was, is, ours, Jem. I don’t want to pick through the ashes for salvageable fragments of our family if this all blows up again, I don’t want Dill’s memory dragged through all that. Would Mal want that for Dill?’

  Jem exhaled and set her hand over the sore patch near her mouth. ‘I’ll speak to Mal. He won’t say anything. And neither will Millie.’

  ‘And Mayor Sinclair is dead. That just leaves Louisa and our parents.’

  ‘What are you saying, Al?’

  ‘I’m saying, we should just leave it to them, Jem. Dill’s gone. If he was alive, it would be different. But he’s not. There’s nothing to gain from opening up an old wound like this. Mum isn’t well enough to deal with it for a start.’

  Alex sat back into her chair and leant her head back against the wood. One of her mum’s wind-chimes dangled above her from the porch overhang. She watched the small metal shapes try to rotate in the breezeless air. A cloud, sun, several stars and a lightning bolt, all twinkling in the light.

  Alex listened to Jem’s steady breathing and the sounds of Norma’s claws pattering over the porch decking.

  ‘That wasn’t what you were going to talk about, Al,’ Jem murmured after a while. ‘I cut in about Mum, you were going to say something else. About Dill and Mal, but obviously not the same revelation I had to bring to the table … What was it?’

  Alex closed her eyes. ‘Nothing. Secrets. Crossed wires.’ She tried to formulate something more substantial. ‘So you must have stayed with George last night then?’ George the invisible house guest Alex still had a few questions about.

  ‘Who else would I have been with?’ Jem had a strange expression on her face. Alex didn’t have an answer. ‘I was upset when I got there last night. Finn disappeared before his mum saw him and George wouldn’t let me leave until I’d calmed down. I fell asleep up in the room.’

  ‘Oh?’ Alex’s nose for scandal had been proven unreliable on an almighty scale. She wasn’t exactly qualified to doubt Jem, not after getting it so wrong about her parents. It was just, where was this George? Alex felt suspicious every time Jem mentioned him, and she didn’t have a reason for it.

  Jem gently rubbed her fingertips over her eczema. ‘George wants to meet you. Today, actually. I thought we could all meet here at lunch, maybe go to the boat race together. If you guys hit it off, I mean. We don’t have to all go, you’re not under any obligation or anything.’

  Jem rubbed at her eczema again.

  ‘No, Jem. Actually that sounds great.’ Jem was just full of surprises this morning. ‘What’s with the change of heart?’

  Jem shrugged. ‘Finn.’

  ‘Finn?’

  ‘Last night, he could’ve floored Dad, Al. Finn’s a fit healthy guy, he could’ve danced around him and put Dad straight on his arse. But he didn’t. He just … stood there. I don’t know why he didn’t fight back. Maybe he didn’t want to detract from the point he was making. All I know is that Finn made me feel like a coward last night.’

  Jem was not alone on that score. Alex always felt like a coward next to Finn.

  ‘You’re not a coward, Jem. You made Robbie Rushton cry with your fractured wrist.’

  Jem’s face warmed, ready for a smile that didn’t quite arrive. ‘Thanks. But you’re wrong, Alex. I have been a coward. Finn will take a beating for you … a beating for loving you. Well, it just so happens that …’ Jem hesitated, ‘I’m in love with somebody too. I am. And it’s about time I came out and said how I feel about George. Because it’s special, isn’t it? To feel that way?’

  Alex saw the blood dried into the arm of Jem’s t-shirt. ‘It’s special, Jem. Of course it is. It’s just not always straightforward.’

  ‘But it is, Alex. If it’s real, it is straightforward. I’ve only just got that. And if you love Finn the way he loves you, Al, you need to hurry up and get it too.’

  CHAPTER 56

  ‘Breakfast! Come and get it!’ Ted boomed up through the house.

  Jem moved across the landing and threw Alex a shrug at the bedroom doorway before heading downstairs. Alex set the paper leaf Finn had left for her to find back inside the top drawer next to her bed and followed her sister. A power showe
r and some fresh clothes and, despite the night’s events, she was feeling fairly human.

  Alex pattered after Jem into the kitchen. Norma was chewing on their dad’s’s slipper while he stood hovering over a frying pan. ‘Omelette a la … everything.’ He said, running a fish slice through something vaguely omelette-like, sliding each half onto a separate plate. ‘Don’t tell your mother I’m eating bacon, she’s obsessed with my cholesterol.’

  Ted waved the fish slice at the table already set with coffee and juice and Blythe’s special occasion crockery they were forbidden to touch unless the Reverend came around.

  ‘Now don’t keel over in shock, I know I’m a little out of practice,’ he said carrying the plates of burned omelette over, ‘but I used to cook a mean omelette for you girls and it’s about time you got to taste one of your dad’s old specialities again.’

  Ted set Jem’s plate down first and pecked her on the head. Alex watched him move around the table to set hers down in front of her. Alex felt her dad put his hands on her shoulders and press a kiss to her head. He gave her a gentle squeeze before letting go of her again.

  ‘I was thinking, seeing as you girls have dug all your mother’s dreadful records out, I might take that record player down to the hospital with me today, see if we can’t get a bit more life into that room of hers. What do you think?’

  The cordless in the hall rang. ‘I’ve got it, you girls get stuck in.’

  Jem looked across the table at Alex and raised her eyebrows. ‘What did you do to him last night? Lobotomy?’

  ‘More of a baptism,’ Alex said.

  Jem looked puzzled but Alex wasn’t giving her any more on that. She shrugged and looked at her plate. ‘Speciality?’ Jem whispered. ‘Is that a … marrowfat pea?’

  Alex grinned. ‘Pretty sure I just saw your jar of peanut butter out by the hob too.’

  ‘Blythe!’ Ted exclaimed into the phone. ‘How have you got to the payphone?’ he said walking into the kitchen. ‘It’s all right, love, take your time. I’ve got all the time in the world.’ Ted put the phone on loud-speak and set it down between Alex and Jem’s glasses of orange juice. ‘You’re on the speaker, love. The girls are here. We’re just having … muesli.’

  ‘Hello, girls.’

  Alex and Jem exchanged looks. ‘Hey, Mum.’

  ‘Hi, Mum. How are you?’

  ‘I’m really, really, good. They brought … a phone on … a trolley.’

  ‘That’s great, love,’ Ted said softly. ‘I’m coming down to see you, in about half an hour. The girls are going off to watch the boat race, aren’t you, girls? I’ll have to be at the garage this afternoon though or the buggers will start parking in the yard, bloody tourists.’

  ‘We’re going to come see you this evening, Mum. When the traffic’s eased through the Falls, OK?’ Jem said.

  ‘OK, darling. I was just … calling … to say that the doctor … is pleased. I’m meeting … a … phys … phys …’ Alex watched her dad wince at the phone and held her breath, ‘… physio … therapist … tomorrow,’ Blythe managed.

  ‘That’s great, Mum!’ Alex smiled. ‘That’s the next step to getting you back here, with us.’

  ‘He said my heart … is behaving itself.’

  ‘I already told the docs that my wife has a strong heart,’ Ted said, clicking the phone back to normal. He nodded towards their steaming breakfast plates before wandering off into the front room, taking Blythe back all to himself.

  Jem picked up one end of her omelette. ‘I didn’t know charcoal was an ingredient.’ She smiled. ‘Quick, bin it while he’s not looking!’

  ‘Way ahead of you, Jem.’ Alex smiled, passing Norma another finger-ful under the table.

  Jim skipped over to the bin. Alex crept after her to the sink to wash her hands. Right now a burnt omelette was the biggest crisis they had. Which was pretty marvellous. Alex reached over the sink for the tap but there was something soaking in there. ‘Woah, wait a sec,’ Jem said. ‘Let me just get that out of the way.’ A faint tinge of yellow was still ingrained into the fabric of Jem’s white t-shirt.

  Jem inspected it. ‘Sod. Why is blood such a bugger to get out?’ Alex felt her morning pop like an air bubble. Jem must’ve felt it too. ‘Hey? What’s up?’

  Alex shook it off. ‘I’m fine. Great, in fact. Mum’s feeling better, Dad’s happier. Everything’s great,’ she lied.

  Jem gave her a hard look. ‘Some things leave their mark though, don’t they, Al?’

  CHAPTER 57

  ‘Jem, you’ve been up and down at that window more times than Norma!’

  Jem flashed a nervous smile and began pacing past the clock on the mantelpiece again. Jem had done a U-turn. They weren’t going to have lunch when George arrived. That might be weird, she’d decided. So George was just coming up for a good old-fashioned cup of tea. In three minutes, so said the mantelpiece clock.

  ‘Jem, calm down. I’m starting to wonder if he’s got three eyes or something.’

  Dark features. Portuguese somewhere down the line. Ambitious. Hard-working. That was all Jem had given up before snapping that if Alex didn’t stop asking questions she was going to call George right now and cancel!

  Jem began twisting the silver bangle around her wrist. She’d let her hair down and had used expertly applied makeup to disguise the excema that had still hadn’t seemed to have calmed down any. Alex was seriously considering having a word with this George about the pressure Jem was under at work. This big unveiling thing she had going on was stressing her out, big time. Alex had tried to talk about it twice since their dad had headed off to the hospital and both times Jem had practically recoiled.

  The sun glinted on a car pulling through the gateposts and Alex felt an unexpected thrill of excitement. Jem had never brought a boy home. Alex had found herself second guessing what he looked like, what his interests were going to be, all the things that had drawn Jem to a guy she’d been secretly dating for two years now (two years!) without breathing a word.

  ‘Nice car!’ Alex trilled, walking through to the hallway. Jem sank onto one of the lounge settees and carried on twisting her bangle.

  Alex laughed to herself and walked through to the kitchen, peering through the window over the sink. She honestly didn’t know what Jem was so agitated about, ‘It’s not like I’m going to sock him one on the garden path, Ted-style,’ Alex had tried to joke. Only it wasn’t that funny at all.

  Alex went on tiptoes to get a better look at the driver of the silver Audi pulling up to the house. She couldn’t see that well because of the shades but …

  ‘It’s all right, Jem. False alarm. Unless George is rocking a ponytail,’ Alex said light-heartedly. Jem sat down on the sofa. Then was up on her feet again. Alex shook her head and moved to open the front door and assist their visitor. Her dad said they always had tourists up here now, calling in to ask for directions.

  Alex watched the car door schlump open in that way expensive car doors did. A familiar face looked around at Alex, the same awkward look Alex had seen when they’d first bumped into one another on Susannah’s landing. Jem appeared next to Alex on the doorstep.

  ‘Oh, hey!’ Alex said warmly. ‘What are you doing up here? Are you lost?’

  Gina looked to Jem then back to Alex. She scratched at her shoulder with the arm of her sunglasses then hooked them over her figure-hugging black vest. Alex thought of Lara Croft Tombraider and tried to stand up a bit straighter.

  ‘No, I think I’ve come to the right place,’ said Gina.

  ‘Al?’ Jem said shakily. ‘I think you must have already met. This is George.’

  ‘So, what about when you were at St Cuthbert’s Primary?’

  ‘Well, I wasn’t thinking about it then, Alex. I’m not a raving sex-pest.’

  Alex rolled her eyes. ‘But at high school?’

  ‘Definitely at high school.’

  ‘You knew then? All that time ago?’

  ‘All that time ago.’

  A
lex had listened while three cups of tea had gone cold so far, and each time George had engaged with Alex, all she’d been able to think was how many boxes George ticked on the list of things Alex would hope for Jem to find in a partner. Witty, check. Smart, check. Gracious enough to let Jem explain things at her own pace, patient enough to listen to Alex’s less intellectual questions. Check and check. And not forgetting kind (and sufficiently knowledgeable in first aid) enough to perform the Heimlich on strangers in B&B corridors.

  ‘But what about Mal? The snog outside Frobisher’s.’

  ‘How do you even know about that?’ Jem blurted. Red rising in her cheeks.

  ‘You and Mal? You never told me that,’ George gasped theatrically, she had only been Gina for the purposes of subterfuge. ‘Does Millie know? I think I should tell her.’ George broke a grin and Alex felt a bit like a high-school sprog in awe of one of the older, funkier girls. Alex needed to make more effort with her appearance. Especially with exotic creatures like George roaming the earth. Drop dead gorgeous. That was another box George ticked. But then she hadn’t brought anything to the table yet that Jem hadn’t.

  ‘I told you, Mum saw you,’ Alex informed her.

  ‘Ah. Well, that was my idea in fairness to Mal,’ Jem admitted. ‘Kind of an acid test.’

  ‘You kissed Mal Sinclair … to check if you were gay?’

  ‘It seemed like a good idea at the time.’

  ‘Well I can’t blame you for that, Jem.’ George smiled. ‘Mal’s a true gent. He deserves a life full of kisses from adoring friends, I think.’ George gave Jem a knowing look and for the first time since George had walked in, Alex felt like a gooseberry.

  ‘Shoot,’ George exclaimed. ‘Do you mind if I just nip out and make a call? I’ve asked my cousin if she wanted to come and see the Vikings with her friends and their kids. They might be wandering the town waiting for me to get in touch.’

  ‘You can use the house phone? The reception’s a bit sketchy up here,’ Alex offered.

  ‘That’s OK, really. Phillipa can really talk, and my car seems to be like some kind of signal booster anyway. Let me give it a whirl first, give you guys some time to digest.’ George got up from the table, leant down and kissed Jem chastely on the cheek. Alex watched George let herself out then saw the uncertainty in Jem’s face.