Letting You Go

by Anouska Knight

  ‘I love her,’ Alex blurted.

  Jem exhaled. ‘Really?’

  ‘Really, Jem. I think she’s great.’

  Jem broke into a relieved smile. ‘I love her too. And I don’t want her to be a secret.’

  ‘So you and Mal, you really weren’t ever getting it on with him then?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘He knows, doesn’t he? That you’re …’

  Jem tapped a finger against the milk jug on the table. ‘You can say it, Alex. That I’m gay.’

  OK …

  ‘Mal knows you’re gay?’

  ‘Yes. Mal knows. Carrie told him. Carrie told everyone.’

  ‘Carrie? Carrie Logan? How … When?’

  ‘Year ten at Eilidh High. About a year after you left for uni and didn’t come back.’ Alex looked at Jem, there was nothing in her expression that said she’d meant for that to come as sharp as it did.

  ‘What happened, Jem? With all that? I know you hated school but Mum never really went into it all that much. Other than the shrink part.’

  Jem tapped the milk again. ‘I did not need a shrink.’

  Alex had needed a shrink. Although Jem had matched her on the sleepless nights and had gone one further with a very drastic hair cutting incident. ‘What did you need, Jem?’ Alex didn’t want anything else coming out of the woodwork and biting any of them later on. She’d heard enough secrets to last a lifetime in the last week but she’d rather get any last stragglers out of the way now.

  ‘Just a better group of friends, Alex. That was all. Carrie and her circle, we’d been friends up until that summer. I think she had a thing for Mal though, wanted to be the next Louisa Sinclair probably. Anyway, she didn’t like me hanging around with Mal. Of course, I didn’t realise it then, why she was always making little digs, about my clothes, my favourite music, anything really … to knock me down a few pegs. But I was an idiot. Instead of just telling her to shove it up her arse, I tried to fit in. Be part of the gang.’

  ‘That’s what all fourteen-year-olds do, Jem. Try to fit in.’

  Jem laughed. ‘I was never going to fit in with Carrie. You know, once, I’d borrowed a scrunchy off her, do you remember those? Anyway, I’d borrowed it, probably trying to look more like perfect Carrie, anyway after I gave it back to her she accused me of ripping it, and then sewing it back together. She showed me the stitching and everything. Exhibit A! It was the dumbest thing. She’d obviously done it herself, but it was more important for her to be spiteful than to just … be cool. Be friends.’

  ‘She sounds like a sociopath.’

  ‘Nah. She’s just a cow. But a really big one.’

  ‘I take it you don’t hate her because of Scrunchygate, though?’

  Jem sobered. ‘No. I hate her because I let her convince me she was my friend.’

  Jem read Alex’s expression. ‘I was fourteen, remember. Like I said already, an idiot.’

  ‘So what did our sociopathic friend do?’

  Jem repositioned the silver bangle at her wrist. ‘Nothing. Just kids’ stuff. Stupid kids’ stuff. There was a sleepover, at one of the other girls’ houses. I hadn’t been invited before because I was always hanging out with Mal. Carrie got them all to pretend that they … y’know, practised kissing … like on each other … before the school disco came round. The stupid thing is, I didn’t agree to it because I was gay. Or because I wanted to do it. I just didn’t want to be the only one who wouldn’t do it.’

  ‘So you kissed Carrie Logan?’

  ‘Eugh, God no. I just agreed to. That was all it took, then total ostracism and a year of hell.’

  Alex hated Carrie Logan. She actually hated her with a violent white-hot fury.

  ‘But Mal … He was great. Always looking out for me, on the bus and stuff.’ Jem shuddered at the recollection. ‘And then it really turned sour when Mal had a go at her at the river race. We’d been having a good day, minding our own business. The mayor had brought in the new egg rules and Mal had egged every one of the targets on the river, I’d hit about half. Then Carrie and her lot started shouting things from the bridge. Apparently I was a “typical lesbo who even threw like a man”.’ Jem smiled to herself. ‘They’d obviously never seen your aim, Al.’

  Alex felt a new flavour of rage building in her body. Carrie Cowbag Logan and her craptastic neon shop had had twenty quid out of Jem’s account because of Alex.

  ‘Forget Carrie, Jem. The important thing, is you’re happy. And I’m happy for you.’ Alex grabbed Jem’s hand and held it fiercely.

  Jem pressed her head unexpectedly against Alex. Alex squeezed into her. Jem smelled like strawberry lip-gloss. ‘Thanks, Al. Really, you don’t know what that means to me.’

  What, to love a person and have the blessing of your family to carry on loving that person with happy abandon? Alex knew exactly what that meant.

  ‘So what about Mum and Dad?’

  Jem sucked in a huge juddery breath as if she’d been crying. ‘You know what I said about love being straightforward? Yeah, well … some love’s a bit less straightforward than others.’ Jem was fiddling again. ‘I don’t think I’m there yet, Alex.’

  Alex set her hand over Jem’s where she was bothering at her bangle. ‘Jem, I’ve hidden under a rock for years. All it does is make you more frightened of being out in the open. Just tell them.’

  ‘But what if they can’t handle it? What if they don’t want anything to do with me?’

  ‘Reject you? You’re their daughter, Jem. How could they ever reject you? It might take them a while, to get their heads around it, but they love you, Jem. We all do. Unconditionally.’

  Alex watched the thoughts playing out over Jem’s face. ‘So when are you going to tell Dad straight about Finn then, Alex? Because it’s no different. Not really.’

  Alex narrowed her eyes. Had Jem deliberately led her here?

  ‘Dad can’t handle that right now, Jem. What if—’

  ‘What if he rejects you? You’re their daughter, Alex,’ Jem parroted. ‘How could they ever reject you? It might take them a while, to get their heads around it, but they love you, Alex. We all do. Unconditionally.’

  CHAPTER 58

  Jem pulled her Ray-Bans down her nose. ‘I’m so glad we walked down, look at them all … we’ve been invaded! Again!’ she trilled. It had been building all weekend, Eilidh Falls in the grip of her own growing tension finally peaking today with the arrival of hordes of day-trippers – most wearing something in faux fur – arriving en masse to witness what was steadily becoming a cult festival, according to George’s Twitter feed.

  ‘Pick her up, Jem. Before someone steps on her. I don’t trust that collar either,’ Alex said.

  Jem bent down to pick Norma up off the pavement as another family in plastic horned helmets barged past them for a photo with the new town Mayor, fully kitted out like Odin himself, standing on something that made him look very prominent and imposing at the top of the river bridge. Alex glanced at the throngs of people scurrying like ants up and down the bridge, traffic stopping and starting erratically as pedestrians cut impatiently across the road without looking.

  Hamish was standing out front of The Cavern, looking twice as authentic as the mayor, huge arms crossed while he shook his head disapprovingly at the chaos. Alex carried on weaving them a path between the re-enactment tents, trying to find a good spot closer to the water. Jem was scanning the crowds. George had gone from the farmhouse back to The Cavern to find her cousin, they were supposed to be meeting Alex and Jem by the Valkyries at the finish line. Millie was going to bring Alfie along to watch the fun too seeing as they’d already had the chance to build the beginnings of a good friendship with George.

  ‘Do you see them anywhere?’ Alex asked, trying to pick out familiar faces between the fluttering red and gold banners flanking the high street. ‘The place is rammed. I keep looking but—’

  ‘Hey! Jem! Alex! Sorry we’re running a bit late.’ Alex and Jem both turned. ‘Blimey,
this place is crazy! I hope we get a good spot near the water. I want to see which maidens the victors offer their banners to!’ Millie beamed.

  ‘Me too, maybe Finn won’t take no for an answer, Al,’ Jem muttered before giving Millie a hug.

  ‘Hi, Millie.’ Alex wanted to hug her too. For the aggro Millie must’ve been dealing with each time Mal had needed to let off steam about the whole mess with his dad. For letting Jem and George have somewhere to take a time out so Jem didn’t implode with it all. But Millie was like her mum, Helen didn’t wait for praise either. ‘Hi, Poppy.’ Alex smiled. Poppy Parsons was holding on to one of Millie’s hands.

  ‘Poppy wanted to come see the invaders, didn’t you, Poppy? While Mummy helps Susannah at the Longhouse. We’re going to be doing a project on the Vikings when you start at St Cuthbert’s with Alfie, aren’t we, sweetie?’

  Millie turned and spoke quietly. ‘I have a plan. Get the kids to play together and maybe we’ll be able to keep a better eye on poor Emma. Help them out.’

  Her mum was right about her balance theories. People like Millie existed in the world to balance out people like Carrie Logan.

  ‘Emma should’ve come to watch the race too, let her hair down,’ said Alex.

  Millie leant in closely and whispered again, ‘She wouldn’t. I asked. Emma’s too frightened that man they owe all that money to might be in the Falls.’

  Alex wished Finn had thumped him harder.

  ‘Where’s my buddy Alfie?’ Jem asked.

  ‘There he is!’ Poppy pointed towards one of the stalls selling eggs. Loki’s Yolkies read the sign stuck to the front of the table. Mal had Alfie on his shoulders and was teetering towards them, a large tray of mucky eggs in his hands. Another car horn sounded aggressively up on the road by The Cavern and Malcolm squinted in that direction.

  ‘Someone’s dropped a clanger. That bridge was supposed to be controlled traffic but the new guy was too busy getting dressed up to give the OK. Take these, Mils, I’m going to have to get something sorted up there, before someone’s flattened.’

  Millie took the eggs while Alfie reluctantly dismounted his father’s head. Alfie grimaced. He looked so much like Dill now it was hard for Alex to take her eyes off him. Alex felt Jem squeeze her arm.

  ‘Hello again, Alfie,’ Alex said. ‘Hi, Mal.’ Jem set Norma back down on the grass for Alfie and Poppy to fuss.

  ‘Hey, Alex.’ Mal gave half a smile and Alex caught a glimpse of that dimple again.

  Would this have been how Dill would’ve looked now? His darker genes kicked in, like Mal? Alex held a hand out. She wasn’t sure why, but a hug seemed the wrong choice. By Alex’s miscalculations, Mal had been her half-brother for a few days. She’d got it wrong. But at the very least, they still shared one in Dill.

  Mal took Alex’s hand and, in a handshake, everything that needed to be said and unsaid – about their parents, their brother – was there in their hands.

  ‘Can we take her for a walk pleeaase?’ Alfie asked, big dark eyes chasing Dill from his features. Alex straightened his little red baseball cap.

  ‘I’m not sure, kiddo. Norma’s a big naughty, if she sees someone she likes she might try to make a run for it.’

  The Tannoy boomed and the crowds turned like parishioners to face the new Mayor, but the sound system wasn’t working properly so no-one could hear him.

  Disgruntled voices rippled out across the crowd. Alex watched Mal concentrating on the successor to his father’s throne. Whatever discoveries had been made about Mayor Sinclair, he was still Mal’s dad. ‘The new mayor doesn’t have nearly as much charisma as his predecessor, Mal,’ Alex offered.

  ‘Thank you, Alex. I appreciate that.’ Mal nodded. ‘Right, I’ll catch you all in a while.’ Mal planted kisses on Millie and Alfie. ‘Keep those ruffians away from your mother, Alfred,’ he said, setting an egg firmly in Alfie’s eager hand. Alfie nodded his head seriously.

  A klaxon fired and the crowds began to cheer, waiting for the first signs of homemade rafts to come floating down the Old Girl.

  ‘There you are! Come on, gang, we’re all set up!’ George said, appearing beside Millie. ‘We’re sat on a blanket and everything. Phil doesn’t do damp bottoms,’ George said theatrically.

  ‘Who’s Phil?’ Millie asked, ushering the children after George who’d picked Norma up and was already striding gracefully into the crowd.

  ‘Philippa,’ she called over her shoulder. My cousin. She’s here with her chap, Carter, and their friends. They’ve just adopted two brothers.’

  ‘Who, your cousin?’

  ‘God no,’ George called back over her shoulder. ‘Carter can’t tie his own shoelaces. Their friends, Amy and Rohan.’

  Alex and Jem followed George to a large picnic blanket where a group of adults and three kids were waving flags in anticipation of the first raft to come down river. Alex hung back leaving Jem to do most of the meeting and greeting, they were George’s people, and now they were Jem’s too. One of their group, a man with crazy curly hair, was asking what the eggs were for. Millie was explaining in her school teacher voice.

  ‘So the idea is, we’re the Saxons, and we’ve got to pelt the invaders before they get to conquer our lands. Or in this case, the plastic finish line over there being held by the women from the WI.’

  ‘Ah, man! We’re going to need some of those then!’ the guy with the hair yipped.

  ‘I’ll get them,’ Alex volunteered. ‘I was going for more eggs anyway.’ She smiled. She wasn’t in the chatting mood, not since Jem had mentioned Finn. ‘Back in a sec.’

  Alex disappeared into the mass of bodies, yelling now as the first couple of rafts were getting bombarded with eggy missiles by the spectators lining the bank. The first raft was being manned by a Viking with a skinhead. The second by a chap at least a foot shorter than Finn. Alex went back to the task at hand.

  ‘Just a dozen, thanks.’

  Next to the egg stall, Eilidh’s nursing home had cordoned off an area for the residents to watch the festivities. Alex smiled at the row of people, their little white heads like a formation of cotton balls, wafting in the fresh air.

  Alex pulled a note from her bag and paid Loki for his yolkies. The Tannoy crackled and Alex joined the crowd in turning to face the voice. Alex experienced a small surge of adrenalin. Carrie Logan had appeared on the bridge, all shiny and sleek for the occasion, a couple of less shiny, less sleek friends flanking her like two slices of stodgy bread around a piece of cheap ham.

  ‘Like a man in furs, do you?’ George had appeared at Alex’s side. She was looking to the mayor, rabbiting into his mic.

  ‘Maybe.’ Alex smiled. ‘Actually, I was just thinking what an arse Carrie looks with her cronies up there. Fighting to be centre of attention. She used to go to school with my sister,’ Alex explained. Jem was worth a hundred of Carrie.

  ‘Carrie? Carrie Logan?’ George said. Her smile had evaporated leaving George locked on to the row of faces over the bridge.

  ‘Excuse me, Alex, I’m having a word with that spiteful cow.’

  Alex caught George’s arm and nearly dropped her eggs. ‘George? It was a long time ago. Just leave it.’

  ‘They pinned her down in a classroom and cut all her hair off, Alex. It’s going to take a long time for Jem to forget that.’

  Alex tightened her grip on George’s arm. ‘What? But, Jem said …’

  George’s head furrowed. ‘What? That she’d cut her own hair off? Because humiliating yourself at school is such fun. You know that she had to sit and lay herself bare to a shrink, because your mum thought that Jem was having some kind of mental breakdown after Dill? Because she couldn’t tell anyone what had really happened to her? Because Carrie might out her if she did?’

  Alex’s mouth had gone dry. Jem had worn a hat for most of the year that followed, when necessity demanded she left the sanctity of her bedroom. Up on the bridge, Carrie was laughing at something the mayor was saying to her. Alex felt her neck aflame. S
he wasn’t used to the taste of anger in her mouth, she was starting to quite like it.

  Jem pushed through the crowd to George and Alex and the egg stall. ‘Rohan and Amy’s little boy is frightened of dogs. Even daft ones like Norma here,’ Jem said waving one of Norma’s paws. ‘Do you two want to go up onto the bridge, get a better view? Ooh, yay … more eggs.’

  Alex was ready for a word with Carrie. She’d just imagined dangling Carrie straight off the bridge by her perfectly sleeked ponytail. George looked from Alex to Jem. ‘Let’s just stay on the bank, Jem,’ George said calmly. ‘There are too many cars up there for the puppy.’

  ‘OK,’ Jem breezed. She got back to watching the rafts run the gauntlet. One in particular had caught her interest. ‘Don’t look now, Al.’

  Alex did look. Finn was riding the river on his dubious looking float with all the finesse of a washing machine tumbling down a hill. He’d tied shards of fabric to the back of his raft so they drifted behind him on the water. She felt a little flip in her stomach at the thought of the last time she’d seen his wet hair plastered across his face like that. Of that rock shelf behind the waterfall, how it had felt pleasantly cool beneath her.

  ‘Actually, I’m going to go. Here, you guys have these,’ Alex said, passing the tray of eggs to Jem.

  ‘Alex? Come on, throw an egg at Finn.’

  Alex’s head suddenly hurt. He’d said that he loved her. He’d stood there and let her dad hurt him again and again. But he wouldn’t not say it.

  ‘Dad’ll be back at the garage now, Jem. I’m just going to go see Mum,’ she tried to say cheerily ‘I’ll catch you guys later, have fun.’

  ‘Alex. Stop running.’ Jem looked serious. ‘Just talk to him. Isn’t he worth at least that?’

  Alex shook her head. Finn was worth so much more than that. ‘Do you ever think that maybe it’s for his benefit, Jem? That I just stay away? He’s the one who always ends up bleeding. Do you know what it’s like to see him that way? Knocked down, over and over, and know it’s my fault?’