Going in Deep

by Carly Phillips

  “Hi, Kendall. Julian told me to expect your call,” a friendly-sounding man said.

  “I see. Good. Well, I’d just like your overall impressions of Julian. Whether you think he’s responsible enough to own a dog, to take care of him, that sort of thing.” She tapped her pen against the papers on the desk.

  He cleared his throat. “I would say Julian is definitely ready to own a pet. He’s… changed a lot in the last year. Grown up. Accepted more responsibility in life.”

  Kendall narrowed her gaze at the man’s pointed comments. If she didn’t know better, she’d think Nick was trying to make that point with Kendall personally and as the shelter employee.

  “Thank you. I appreciate your time, Mr. Cantone,” she said, pleased she’d gotten what she needed.

  “Nick, please. After all, I’ve heard a lot about you, Kendall,” he said, affirming her gut instinct.

  Her stomach twisted with unease. “I’m sorry, but I can’t say the same thing, and that puts me at a disadvantage.”

  “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I just want you to know Julian has worked hard to become a new… a better man.”

  She swallowed hard. This was supposed to be a dog reference phone call, not one that dug into her old life. “Thank you again for your time. I’ve gotten all the information I need.”

  And more that she didn’t.

  She quickly disconnected the call. Pushing his words aside, she filled out the information on the forms, indicating to Josie she could approve Julian for adoption.

  She wasn’t ready to ponder anything more. When Julian came for Steve, she’d have to deal with him again. For today, she remained busy with work and kept her mind free of her personal life and her past with Julian Dane.

  * * *

  New leash and collar in hand, Julian walked into For Paws to pick up his new dog. He was excited to have a pet, happy to know he’d have company, and dammit, looking forward to seeing Kendall again.

  When he arrived, she was nowhere to be found. Josie, the other woman he’d met, walked him through the signing of the paperwork, reiterated his responsibilities, and congratulated him on his new family member.

  “Are you ready to go get him?” she asked, oblivious to Julian’s disappointment in missing out on his chance to see Kendall again.

  “Sure thing. Let’s go get Steve.” He followed her through the back door and into the area where the dogs were kept.

  He glanced down the row to Steve’s pen, where, to his surprise, Kendall sat with his dog on her lap, petting his head and talking to him in a soft voice.

  Julian let out a breath he hadn’t been aware of holding, relief and pleasure suffusing him in equal measure. He wouldn’t have to leave without talking to Kendall.

  “You’re going to a good home,” Kendall said softly, unaware they were behind her. “You’ll be well fed and loved. And even if I won’t see you anymore, I’ll always remember you.”

  “It’s hard for us not to get attached,” Josie explained quietly. “Kendall has a soft spot for Steve because he’s been here for such a long time.” Josie treated him to a warm smile. “I’ll leave you now. Kendall can get you settled from here.”

  Josie stepped away, heading back to the front office. Julian stood in silence, watching Kendall. Her head was bent low, her long ponytail falling over one shoulder, her neck exposed. The desire to glide his lips over the exposed skin was strong. The urge to mark her there even stronger.

  Something about Kendall affected him deeply.

  As he quietly walked closer to the pen, once again he was struck by the quiet strength in her now, the even keel to her mood compared to before. He’d known she was smart, but this woman clearly had depths he hadn’t seen or plumbed. And he realized how much he wanted to know her again. To learn who she was now and to introduce her to the man he’d become. The one he wanted to be, in part, for her.

  At the realization, he blew out a sharp breath.

  As if sensing him, she looked up. She stood, the gray dog still in her arms.

  He smiled. “Mind if I ask you something?”

  “Go on,” she said warily.

  He took in the protective way she cuddled Steve against her chest. Steve wasn’t tiny, and it couldn’t have been easy to hold him for long.

  “Why didn’t you take him? You’re obviously bonded,” he said as the dog licked her neck. The lucky bastard.

  She sighed. “My building has a one-dog-only rule. And you’ve met Waffles. Besides, we can’t save them all ourselves, as Josie likes to remind me.”

  He inclined his head. “Then your loss is my gain.”

  She shifted the dog and held him out for Julian. He accepted his new pet, juggling him with the leash, and held him up, meeting his gaze. “Looks like it’s you and me, bud. You ready for your new life?”

  Kendall watched them, her gaze softening as she took in the interaction.

  “I bought you something,” Julian said to the dog, fully aware he was being watched. He bent down and placed the dog on the ground. “Here you go.” He hooked the new collar around Steve’s neck and backed away, giving him time to adjust.

  He shook his head and brushed at the offending collar with his paw, ducking his head at the same time.

  “Gotta wear it,” Julian said.

  “He’ll get used to it.” Kendall watched the dog and laughed, the sound familiar, welcome, and to his surprise, arousing.

  He clearly wasn’t over Kendall Parker, despite the fact that he had to be.

  “Hook up the leash,” she said, oblivious to his thoughts.

  He clicked the hook onto the ring on his collar. “Ready to go home?” he asked the dog.

  Steve sat in response.

  “Remember,” Kendall said, “this is a rescue situation. We know he had a prior owner; we think he had a good life before the older man had to give him up. But there’s going to be an adjustment period. You have to get to know each other.”

  “I guess we’ll have plenty of time for that, right, Steve?” Julian bent and patted the dog’s head. “Kendall, thank you. I’m sure if Steve could talk, he’d say the same thing.”

  She treated him to a warm, if sad, smile. “Just give him a good life.”

  “I will,” he promised, clenching the leash tighter in his hand.

  She met his gaze. “I know.”

  He fought with himself over what to say next. Whether he should engage her in the conversation he needed to have or respect the boundaries she’d erected from the minute he’d walked into the shelter.

  She sniffed and brushed a hand beneath her eyes, clearly holding back tears over the dog’s departure. Her emotions ran deep, in ways he’d never had the chance to notice before, and his gut clenched, making his decision for him.

  “Kendall?”

  “Yes?”

  Their gazes met and held. “I’m sorry,” he said, the words from his heart. “For everything.”

  Shock flickered in her eyes, followed by a softening, and what he wanted to think was longing settled in her gaze. “Bye, Julian,” she whispered.

  He inclined his head, accepting that for the dismissal it was. He curled Steve’s leash around his hand, winked at her, then turned and walked out of her life.

  Chapter Three

  Julian was losing his mind. He was surrounded in shit. Literally. Within forty-eight hours of bringing Steve home, the dog got sick… from both ends. He had a vet appointment scheduled at the end of the week for a checkup, and now it was almost five p.m., and of course, Steve was worse. Curled up in a ball on the cool kitchen floor, looking pathetic. He wouldn’t eat or drink.

  Julian had run the gamut of ideas. He’d sat on the floor and tried to hand-feed. He’d attempted different bowls. Stainless. Ceramic. A damned kitchen plate.

  He called the vet he had an appointment with, but the message went straight to voice mail. They’d closed for the day.

  Unsure of what else to do, he picked up the phone and dialed the shelter. �
�Hello, For Paws,” Kendall’s familiar voice said.

  “Kendall, it’s Julian.”

  Silence followed, then, “What can I do for you?”

  “Steve’s sick.” He glanced at the poor dog, looking at him with sad eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked immediately, concern in her voice. She might not want to speak to him, but she cared about his dog.

  Julian drew a deep breath and went on to explain the situation in as delicate a way as he could manage, considering. “The vet I called isn’t in and I… I’m at a loss.”

  She was silent for a few precious seconds. “I’m finished here. I’ll come by to check on him. Not that I’m a vet, but we’ll figure out what to do. Are you still at the same place?”

  “No.” He gave her the new address and expelled a breath he hadn’t been aware of holding.

  Kendall was coming to help him. Kendall. He couldn’t even bring himself to process that thought because he had a living, breathing, sick dog on his hands. And he’d never been responsible for anything other than his sister before.

  He’d had Steve for two days, and though he should have crated him at night, his cries had been pathetic. So Julian now had a bedmate with bad breath.

  He paced the floor, waiting for Kendall to arrive, and finally the bell rang and he opened the door. “Hi. Come on in,” he said, relieved to see her.

  She wore a similar outfit to the one he’d seen her in the other day, a pair of jeans that molded to her thighs and ass and a tee shirt that said Enjoy the Crazy. He appreciated her ability to laugh at life, something she’d been doing since they’d met.

  “Where is he?” she asked.

  “In the kitchen.” He gestured toward the room, and Kendall headed that way. She walked in and discovered Steve lying curled into himself.

  “Hey,” she crooned to him, getting down on the floor. She put the back of her hand against his nose. “It’s warm and dry. There’s a twenty-four-hour emergency clinic uptown. Let’s take him there.”

  “Okay, yeah. Good idea.” He was relieved someone knew what the hell to do.

  She scooped the dog into her arms and rose to her feet “Cab?”

  He shook his head. “I can drive.”

  She met his gaze and nodded. “Okay, let’s go.”

  * * *

  Kendall held on to a lethargic Steve as Julian sped toward the Upper East Side. She did her best not to look at him, to study his handsome face or masculine features. She didn’t want to focus on his full lips or strong jaw. And she especially needed to ignore the woodsy scent in his car. All those things spelled trouble for her deprived senses.

  This Julian wasn’t the same man as the one she’d known before. The changes were subtle but they were there. He was more serious, more circumspect. Granted, she’d changed as well, the medication putting her on a more even keel.

  She couldn’t let herself notice his differences or care.

  “Up there. On the right,” she said, pointing to the clinic she’d used for Waffles. “There’s a parking garage on the corner.”

  He pulled into the garage and dealt with the attendant. He then walked around to Kendall’s side of the car, opening her door before she could maneuver with Steve.

  “He’s heavy. Let me carry him up the street.”

  She reluctantly handed the dog over. They made their way up the street and entered the clinic. Kendall took over holding Steve while Julian filled out paperwork. Luckily the clinic wasn’t busy, and they were quickly ushered into the examining room.

  The vet, a doctor Kendall had met before, walked in to greet them. Dr. Drake did a quick, thorough exam, making Steve suffer through the indignity of having his temperature taken, his gums looked at, and his heart listened to, among other things.

  The doctor ran through a list of questions with Julian. Steve hadn’t gotten into food or anything else he shouldn’t have, the only change being the food Julian had picked up for the dog at the store.

  “Okay, it looks like he’s got an upset stomach. Whether it’s from the change in living arrangement because he’s sensitive or the new food, I don’t know. I’d like to give him fluids under his skin to prevent dehydration from the vomiting and diarrhea. There’ll be a lump in his back for one to two days while the fluids disperse through his body, but it’s nothing to be concerned about,” the doctor explained.

  Julian watched the doctor intently, listening to every word. The vet went on to discuss the medicines he’d send him home with.

  Although the vet and tech worked together, holding Steve, Julian stood in front of the dog, reassuring him, whispering to him, and smoothing a hand over his head while they inserted the needle and fluid.

  Kendall’s heart squeezed hard inside her chest, emotion flowing through her. Unwanted emotion. Softening feelings for a man who’d all but destroyed her.

  No, no, no!

  “Kendall, did you say something?” Julian asked.

  “No.” God, had she spoken out loud?

  The vet pulled the plastic gloves off his hands. “Okay, you were a good boy,” he said to Steve. “Now, as for food. As he starts to feel better, you can either give him ground beef and rice or I can send you home with canned food that will be bland on his stomach.”

  “Canned,” both Kendall and Julian said at the same time, because she couldn’t see Julian cooking for the dog. From what she remembered, he didn’t cook much for himself, either.

  He glanced her way and grinned. “Mind meld,” he said, chuckling.

  He used to say that when they’d be on the same wavelength, when they were seeing each other before. She hadn’t been surprised the tech geek was a Star Trek fan. She wasn’t comfortable their thoughts were syncing now.

  The vet finished up with Steve, and once again, Kendall held him, this time while Julian paid the bill. Soon they were on their way back to his apartment, enclosed in his delicious-smelling car.

  “Thank you for coming when I called,” he said, pulling out of the parking garage and into traffic on the city roads.

  “You’re welcome. I was worried about Steve,” she said, petting his soft head. He lay quietly in her lap.

  She glanced over in time to catch his smirk.

  “I didn’t think you did it for me,” he said.

  She blew out a short breath. “Julian, I don’t think now is the time—”

  “You’re a captive audience here in my car, kitten. There’s no better time.”

  A full-body shiver took hold at the nickname. Her temperature heated, her nipples puckered, and if she hadn’t already been aware of him from his scent and sweet behavior with Steve, she was now.

  She remained silent. He had something to say, and she was going to have to listen.

  “When I met you, I was a fucked up mess,” he said, taking her off guard. “We never talked about it, but I’m an addict,” he said, his grip on the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white.

  “My sister told me,” she said softly. Because suddenly this conversation was serious, and if he was going to be so honest, he didn’t need her snark.

  “I was clean when we got together, not that I’d use it as an excuse if I wasn’t. That’s what I want to tell you. There is no excuse for what I did to you.”

  She blinked, her eyes suddenly watery.

  “I mean, I had reasons for my behavior that I used to justify what I did at the time, and they aren’t important now. Because they’d only come off sounding like what they are. Bullshit excuses for poor behavior. Whatever was between me and Kade should have stayed between us. I shouldn’t have dragged you into it. And while I’m at it, I shouldn’t have gone after him in that kind of underhanded way, either,” he said, jaw clenched, the words obviously difficult for him to say.

  She knew her mouth was hanging open, and she managed to close it before he turned to glance at her. An apology was one thing. A flat-out I was an asshole was quite another. She hadn’t expected such brutal sincerity.

  She swallowed
over the lump in her throat. “Pull over.”

  “What?”

  “Pull over. I can’t have this conversation while you’re driving.” If not for the fact that her hands were on Steve’s body, she’d be shaking. The discussion was way deeper than she’d anticipated.

  Julian did as she asked, gliding into the first available parking spot on the street. He put the car in park and turned to face her.

  Her mouth grew dry. “I’m not sure what to say. I didn’t expect you to be that honest and apologetic.”

  His face turned red, and he ran a hand through his hair. “Fact is, for a long time it was hard for me to look at myself in the mirror.”

  She continued to pet Steve. “Why is now different? What changed?”

  Silence descended and she squirmed in her seat, waiting.

  “I found out about you.” He stretched an arm across the back of her seat. “I didn’t know you were bipolar, and finding out forced me to face myself.”

  “You mean it was okay to do it to a woman who was mentally stable?” she asked, horrified.

  He shook his head. “Of course not. It’s just that I’d convinced myself you could handle it, and I discovered I had you at an even bigger disadvantage than not knowing I had an agenda.” He shook his head. “This is coming out all wrong.”

  She ran a shaking hand through her hair. “You didn’t devastate me because I had an illness, Julian. You hurt me because I was falling for you, and every word, every action, was a lie.”

  “That’s what changed.” He let his fingertips trail over her shoulder.

  She knew she should pull back, but just that small touch bridging the gap between them felt so good.

  “The pretense of us being strangers, that was a lie. The growing feelings went both ways. And when I realized how badly I hurt you, how little I knew you, I realized I was devastated, too.”

  Shock rippled through her body along with a healthy dose of disbelief. “You really expect me to believe you?” she asked, but a part of her did. And that frightened her.