A KISS FOR A KISS

by Hunting, Helena

“Do you mind if I take a picture and send it to her?”

  “Not at all.” I hop to my feet and pose for a picture, which he sends to Queenie before I take my seat on the couch again.

  Thirty seconds later, he gets several messages from Queenie in return, full of heart-eye gifs.

  “It’s sweet that she’s excited.”

  “She tends to look at the positive side of things.” He taps the armrest and gives me a chagrinned smile. “She’s been very clear that she’s Team Jake and Hanna. And I apologize if that’s been . . . awkward at all for you.”

  “I feel like that’s the word of the year for us.” I prop my cheek on my fist. “And it’s not awkward. I mean, I think we can agree that this whole thing is pretty weird as a whole. But it’s also very different from my other experiences.”

  “Can you tell me more about that? I don’t really know much about how things went for you with Ryan.” Jake stretches his arm along the back of the couch, his attention on me. “I know the basics, that you got pregnant as a teen and your parents adopted him and raised him as theirs, but that’s a very tidy version of a complex situation.”

  Jake and I talked about Ryan finding out, but not about how I ended up in the situation in the first place. And maybe telling him will give us both some perspective, because for as long as I can remember, this has been a closed subject. One to be put in a box and tucked away. It came with shame and fear, both of which I don’t know I’ve ever truly come to terms with. “I didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was over four months along.”

  Jake’s eyes flare with surprise. “You were almost halfway through the pregnancy.”

  “I was.” Memories surface, taking a trip backward through time, to the day I finally figured out what was going on with my body. And how my entire life basically felt as though it had fallen apart. “I didn’t start getting a period until I was fourteen, and my cycle was never very regular, at least not for that first year, so what should have been a red flag wasn’t all that uncommon. Plus, I was involved in all kinds of sports, which can affect regularity. I didn’t have any of the usual symptoms, or at least not the kind I expected.” I blow out a breath, aware now of things I hadn’t been back then.

  “You were only fifteen, though, right?”

  “Just barely. Way too young to be having sex,” I mutter. “At the time, my parents had their hands full with Gerald. He was younger but such a troublemaker.”

  “King mentioned that he used to get up to a lot of no good.”

  “He tried to take our dad’s truck on a joyride. He couldn’t reach the pedals or see over the steering wheel at the same time so all he managed to do was ruin my mom’s rose bushes. I wasn’t an angel, but I didn’t give my parents the same kind of hard time he did.”

  “So they didn’t pay much attention to what you were doing and who you were doing it with?” Jake asks.

  “Exactly. In my freshman year I started dating a senior.”

  Jake’s brow furrows. “That would make him almost four years older than you.”

  “Yup. And when you’re in your twenties and thirties, or even your forties, those four years don’t mean a lot. But when you’re fourteen and he’s eighteen . . .” I trail off.

  “I would have lost my mind if Queenie brought home a senior when she was fourteen years old.” Jake clenches and releases his fists. “What the heck were your parents thinking, letting you date that guy?”

  I shrug. “It was different times, I guess? We lived in a small town, Kurt was captain of the football team, and I was a cheerleader. Before he went off to college, I was invited to go with his family on a mission trip. I’d just turned fifteen. Gerald had just been caught shoplifting, so my parents were dealing with that. Kurt’s dad was a pastor, so of course, my parents thought it was safe to send me with them. But we were camping in a trailer and his parents spent the entire trip at church events.”

  “You were left to your own devices,” Jake says knowingly.

  “We were teenagers with nothing to do for hours every day and a lot of hormones. And sex education back then wasn’t what it is now.”

  “Which is how you ended up pregnant.”

  “Yup. And by the time I was sure, Kurt had already moved out of state for college and his family had followed. We’d broken up a few weeks after we got back from the trip. I honestly thought the nausea and being tired and emotional was heartbreak.”

  “I can see how you could make that mistake.” Jake slides his fingers under my hair, his thumb smoothing up and down the back of my neck. “How did you figure it out?”

  “My cheer coach pulled me aside and asked if I’d had my period.”

  “Holy shit.”

  “Yeah. It was . . . not the best. I guess she noticed the weight gain and sort of put two and two together. She gave me a pregnancy test and I took it into the girls’ bathroom.”

  “What the hell was your cheer coach doing with pregnancy tests?”

  “Would you be surprised to hear that I was not the first girl in cheer to end up pregnant?” I lean my cheek against his forearm. “Anyway, the test was positive. I had no idea what to do. The coach called my parents, and the next thing I knew, my dad transferred offices from Ohio to Tennessee.”

  “What about Kurt? Did you tell him?”

  “Oh yeah. I called him before we moved and begged him to let me move in with him. In my head we were going to get back together and raise the baby. But he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. He didn’t want a baby ruining his chances at a pro football career. Plus, his dad would have killed him if he found out.”

  Jake’s lip curls up in a silent snarl. “He’s an asshole.”

  “He wasn’t my smartest boyfriend choice. And I suppose karma intervened in her own way since he never made it to the pros.”

  “Have you seen him since you were teenagers?”

  “Only once, and that was when he signed over his parental rights so my parents could formally adopt Ryan. I had to be there to sign the papers, too, otherwise it wouldn’t have been legal.”

  “That must have been awful for you.” His expression is full of sadness and empathy.

  I’d agreed to the adoption before Ryan was born. It seemed like the best way to keep him in my life and give him a stable, normal childhood.

  “It was hard, but I didn’t know any different at the time. I had to leave all my friends behind, and I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on. There was a lot of ruling by fear in my family, at least with Gerald and me. It was different with Ryan. But I spent the last half of my pregnancy pretty much in isolation.” I had a midwife, and never even went to the hospital. The doctor came to the house for all my checkups. I was friendless and alone.

  “What do you mean, isolation?”

  “When my parents moved to Tennessee, I went and stayed with my aunt on their farm in Kentucky. I took most of my courses through distance education that year. It wasn’t until Ryan was born that I was allowed to come back home. I had a week with him before that happened. And the moment I walked through the door to my parents’ house—the baby that had grown inside of me, that I had given birth to and fell in love with—stopped being my son to the rest of the world.”

  But my heart knew he was mine, even if no one else was supposed to.

  And that was the hardest part. Grieving a loss that no one could ever know about.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Innie or Outie

  Jake

  I TRY NOT to let my horror show on my face, but it isn’t easy. I’m very right about the neat and tidy version of that story being a hell of a lot different than Hanna’s reality. I can’t fathom going through that as an adult, let alone at the age of fifteen. I clear my throat. “That sounds like it was pretty hard on you.”

  I’m glad I didn’t know any of this about her parents until now. Although, moving forward, I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with them the next time we’re at a family function. I’m also aware I’m seeing this through my own
lens, and my perception of her experience and how she feels about it are two very different things.

  As if she can read my mind, or possibly my facial expression speaks volumes without me uttering a word, she runs her hand over my forearm, as if I’m the one in need of reassurance.

  “My parents aren’t bad people, Jake. I believe they had my best interests at heart, even if the way they managed it wasn’t necessarily great for me emotionally. They didn’t want me to have the stigma of being a teen mom hanging over my head. They saw what it looked like in the small town I grew up in and they didn’t want that to be my life. And frankly, neither did I.” She drags her finger back up my arm, following a vein, her voice soft. “They also worried I’d end up on the same path as Gerald, who I love dearly, but he had a criminal record by the time he was eleven and he still can’t hold down a job for longer than six months.”

  She’s not wrong about that. He acts more like an unruly nineteen-year-old than an adult who has it together. “But you’re not Gerald.”

  “I know, and so did they, but kids don’t come with an instruction manual. Gerald was particularly difficult, and I think they overcorrected with me out of concern. And then Ryan was a dream child, so doing it right with him was easy. He was loved and had the chance to achieve his full potential, and that’s what matters the most.” The way she says it makes me wonder who she’s trying to convince, herself or me.

  “Thank you for sharing all of this with me, Hanna. I feel like I know you a little better.” And I can see why this baby means as much as it does to her. “You’re a pretty incredible woman.”

  “I made a mess of my teen years.”

  “You had some help making that mess,” I remind her. “I feel like knowing this is going to help frame my actions moving forward. I couldn’t understand at first why you were so opposed to moving to Seattle, but it makes more sense now.”

  “I don’t want to commit to uprooting my life and everything I’ve worked so hard for when things are still uncertain,” she replies, her bottom lip slipping through her teeth.

  I can see how much stress this conversation puts on her, and I want to reassure her, at least for now, that we don’t need to make those decisions. Eventually, yes, but not yet. For as strong as Hanna is, there’s a fragileness about her, and it’s tied to these pieces of her history. “I understand. Especially knowing how your first pregnancy went, and then miscarrying. Both of those experiences were traumatic. You’re going in with eyes wide open and protecting your heart from more potential damage.”

  Her smile is soft and sad. “You know, I don’t think I truly connected all the pieces until right now, but you’re absolutely right. That’s what I’m trying to do, not just with the baby, but with you, too.”

  “Can you explain that?” I need to know where we stand.

  She nods and looks away, absently fingering the pendant at her throat. The one I gave her. She closes her eyes and blows out a breath. “This is hard.”

  “I’m a big boy, Hanna. I can handle whatever it is you need to tell me.”

  “I knew we couldn’t keep sleeping together because it had stopped being just about the sex. Which, I have to be honest, is out of this world. You’re so fun.” She glances at me from the side and her tongue peeks out to wet her bottom lip. “And I was worried about seeing you again on Queenie’s birthday because I knew it would be hard not to…relapse, for lack of a better term.” She smiles cheekily for a second before her expression sobers. “I didn’t know how to go back to being friends like we were in the beginning. It was too complicated, and I didn’t want to do that to Ryan.”

  “And then you found out you were pregnant,” I supply.

  “It changes everything, but it’s no less complicated.” Her eyes lift to the ceiling and she blinks a bunch of times. “I had feelings for you, Jake. I still do, but I’m terrified of what might happen with this baby, and my last experience saw my marriage implode, so my head’s a bit messy over you. And my heart, well, it feels a lot like it’s made of glass right now.”

  I stroke her cheek and she leans into the affection. “For the sake of transparency, I have feelings for you and have for a while. A long while, actually. And I gotta be honest, I was pretty disappointed when you ended things, but I wanted to respect your relationship with King. Finding out you were pregnant took me back to what happened with Kimmie. I did a lot wrong with that relationship and made mistakes I don’t want to repeat with you. I put so much focus on Queenie because Kimmie was so reluctant that I think I had a hand in dooming us. Although, I don’t think that relationship would have lasted regardless, but I made Queenie my entire world. It didn’t leave a lot of room for anyone or anything else.”

  “As someone who had to step back from the role of mom, I can tell you that it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And while I knew it was right, I don’t think there’s ever been a time that I haven’t wished it had been different,” Hanna says softly.

  “The thing I’m most afraid of is the potential for loss. I got over losing my career, and after a while I got over losing Kimmie, but I really don’t want either of those things to happen again.” I drag my fingertips along her collarbone. “I’m aware that the road ahead of us isn’t going to be an easy one, and that we are part of each other’s lives in an inextricable way. But I think we could be good together.”

  “I’m scared, Jake,” she whispers.

  “Of what?”

  “Of falling for you, of what could happen with this baby, of the possibility of getting my heart broken again.” Her throat bobs with a thick swallow before she continues, “But I still want to try to be an us.”

  “That’s good. Me, too. On all fronts, but I want this with you.”

  “So do I.”

  I take her hand in mine and bring it to my lips, kissing her knuckles. “Does this mean we’re dating? Officially?”

  “I think it does.” Hanna exhales what sounds a lot like a relieved sigh.

  It echoes the weight that’s lifted from my shoulders. “Do I get to call you my girlfriend then?”

  She ducks her head and smiles. “That seems reasonable.”

  “I think so, too. Does this mean I don’t have to sleep in the spare bedroom anymore?”

  “You didn’t have to sleep in the spare bedroom in the first place,” she reminds me.

  “Yeah, but that was before, when I was just the ride you were riding, not the boyfriend.”

  She tips her head back and laughs, but when her gaze meets mine, her expression is suddenly serious. “You were never just the ride, Jake. You should know that by now.”

  “And you were never just a secret I was keeping.” I slip my hand into her hair. “Now that we’re dating, can we make out?”

  “Absolutely.” Her fingers curl around the back of my neck and our lips meet.

  It feels like a promise sealed. A kiss for a kiss.

  _______________

  IN THE MORNING we head to the doctor’s office for the ultrasound. The majority of the people sitting in the waiting room are in their mid-to-late twenties. There’s one couple where the husband looks to be close to my age, but the wife doesn’t look to be more than thirty-five.

  When Hanna’s name is called, the attendant asks me to remain in the waiting room, and I’m told they’ll call me in during the last few minutes of the appointment. I’m not the only one waiting to be called in. There are two other guys, the one who also looks to be closer to my age and another guy who’s maybe twenty-five at best. The younger one has earbuds in and is playing some kind of game on his phone. The guy closer to my age is clicking away on a mini tablet, probably answering emails.

  Neither of them seems particularly worried or excited. Or anything really.

  I’m an anxious wreck by the time an attendant calls me in. And that ratchets up another several notches when I step into the room and the first thing I see is Hanna dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

  “Is something wrong?” I feel like my hea
rt is suddenly in my throat and the room seems to shift under my feet.

  “Everything’s okay, Jake.” She holds out her hand and I step forward to take it, gripping it tightly. “These are relief tears. Come here and have a look at Jake Junior.”

  I bend and kiss her forehead, then the tip of her nose and her lips. “Thank God. I’m going to need to learn how to differentiate between sad and happy tears over the next few months, aren’t I?” I cup her face in my hands and am about to kiss her again when someone clears their throat.

  I glance to the right, where the technician is standing with the ultrasound wand in her hand.

  “Oh, hey. Sorry. I was a little nervous waiting out there.” I thumb over my shoulder to the door.

  She gives me an understanding smile. “Jitters are normal.”

  I blow out a breath and Hanna’s words when I first walked in finally register. “Wait a second. Did you say Jake Junior? Are we having a boy?”

  Hanna’s grin lights up her face. “It looks that way, and so far he’s meeting all the important milestones. We very well may have another little hockey player on our hands with how active he is.” She tips her head. “Come around the other side so you can see.”

  I move around the table, taking in the mostly flat expanse of her belly and a small, faint scar, maybe from an appendectomy.

  I crouch down beside her and kiss her temple again. I know I need to cut it with the PDA and being overly touchy, but for a very brief second, I thought something bad had happened. That’s all it takes for me to realize the ambivalence I first had about this has shifted. I want this baby, not just because Hanna does, but because I’ve become invested.

  The technician moves the ultrasound transducer over Hanna’s stomach, stopping when she gets to a small baby-shaped shadow on the screen. And then the sound of our son’s heartbeat fills the room.

  I’d like to say that I keep it together. That I don’t get emotional. But that would be a lie. “You’re sure it’s a boy? I didn’t think we’d be able to tell yet.”

  “I would say we’re more than ninety-five percent certain it’s a boy,” the technician says while wearing a smile.