London from My Windows

by Mary Carter

  “Do you mind just doing the driving and letting me do the talking, all right, mate?” Jasper said. The driver shrugged. Jasper snuck his hand across the seat and took Ava’s. “If we did take the Tube home, you’d only have one more thing left on your list.” He was whispering, in case she couldn’t handle the things he was saying at any higher of a volume. And he was right about that. “And maybe, we could even take the Tube to the London Eye and just get it all over with today.”

  Ava snatched her hand away. It was too much. He didn’t understand. She hadn’t planned on doing anything other than running out of the taxi and up to the Thames, then turning around and going straight back to a waiting taxi. She didn’t know the path started at a touristy spot like Tower Bridge, she didn’t realize the taxi couldn’t wait for them at the curb, and she certainly didn’t expect to ride the Tube or the London Eye today.

  Just get it over with? If it were that easy she would have done it already. Jasper was never going to understand. Her mother didn’t understand. Diana didn’t understand.

  Hidden Disabilities. Would that group understand? Was she wrong to judge them, not give them a chance? Did she need the strength of a group to educate others about herself?

  “I need to go home now,” Ava said. She whispered it too. But she didn’t have to repeat it. Jasper heard it loud and clear.

  Later, as their taxi idled at her curb, he tried to apologize. She held her hand out. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. For acting like I could beat this. For arguing with the people who say I can’t, but also for agreeing with the people who say I can. I wanted to do this. For you. For me. For Aunt Beverly. For my father. The world. I’ve missed so much. And I can’t get it back. And I love it and I hate it and there’s too much and there’s not enough and I want to see and touch everything and I want to spend my life curled up in a bathtub with the curtain drawn. I’m two sides of a coin and I don’t know how to be victorious on either side. Because it’s one thing if I wanted to be this way. But I don’t. I don’t. And it’s another thing if I could just presto change, but I can’t, I can’t.”

  Jasper was silent for a moment, but Ava knew he was listening, taking it in, and she also knew why so many women complained when they felt as if the man they loved wasn’t listening. Because when they did listen, like Jasper was now, it was everything. He didn’t have to have any answers or the right words, for the biggest gift of all was simply to feel heard. And when Jasper placed his hand on her knee and squeezed, Ava felt heard. When he did speak his voice was soft but sure. “I know you might not believe me, Ava, but that’s how most people feel about the world. You inspire me, Ava. Just being near you.” He removed something from his pocket. It was another brochure from the comedy club.

  “I missed it,” Ava said. “I missed your show.” She missed everything. Why couldn’t she just change already? Why couldn’t she just talk herself into being somebody else?

  “I’m going back. Not because I was great, or they laughed, or it was such a wonderful experience. It was terrifying. I’m totally out of my comfort zone. And you taught me that, Ava. You did.”

  Ava wanted to tell him he’d do great. She wanted to tell him she’d be there. She wanted to assure him that they would walk along the Thames another day. But she didn’t want to lie. Not to him. Not to the man who really listened. So she smiled and nodded to him, and refused when he said he’d come with her into the flat. She faced the open door of the car, and the sidewalk, and the steps going up to her building, and the entrance. She endured her heart hammering all the way up four flights, not slowing down until the moment she finally burst into the door of her flat. It felt still, and silent. Her mother and Diana were out sightseeing. Thank God.

  Ava went to the window and looked out. Jasper was still waiting, at the curb, looking at the flat. Ava went to wave. That’s when she realized she was clutching the flyer for Jasper’s comedy show in her hands. Jasper looked up, saw her, and waved back. The car pulled away from the curb. He was there for her. Even when she changed her mind, he was there. The least she could do was try to return the favor. She’d missed his first show. She would be damned if she missed the second. And she didn’t care what any of the rest of those wankers did; Ava Wilder was going to laugh. Even if he wasn’t funny, she was going to laugh.

  CHAPTER 36

  Ava kept her sunglasses on, even as she descended into The Laughing Den. Franco and Georgie were on either side of her, literally holding her up at times. Franco was dressed like Marilyn Monroe. Georgie was in a gray pinstripe suit with an orange-and-white polka-dotted bow tie. “We’re here, Miss Ava,” Georgie said.

  “Thank God,” Ava said.

  “Can’t wait to see straightlaced Jasper cutting a rug,” Franco said.

  “That’s dancing,” Georgie said.

  “Which is exactly what we’ll be doing after his little comedy routine,” Franco said. They took the three-seater by the exit. Ava was on Xanax, with a little help from Diana, who had waited until now to admit that she had brought Ava a refill. It was only under the condition that Diana dole them out. Ava was ready for her and her mother to leave. Here they were in London and so far they’d spent more time lounging around her flat than doing anything else. At least Ava had a good excuse.

  “This is so exciting,” Georgie said.

  “He’s not meant to be very funny,” Franco said. “But let’s clap and cheer as loud as we can, bitches.” Ava laughed. A few people turned and gave them a dirty look. “What?” Franco stared at them. “No laughing at the comedy club?” There was no one onstage. Great. What a loser of a crowd. No laughing at the comedy club!

  Ava put her hand on Franco’s arm. “I love your enthusiasm,” she said. “But if you make a fuss, Jasper is going to see us. I’d rather surprise him after the show.”

  “Good idea,” Georgie said. Franco gave a bit of a pout.

  “I’ll sketch you again,” Ava said.

  Franco mimed zipping his lips and tucking the key into his fake cleavage. Soon they were finishing their first of the two-drink minimum.

  “Where is everyone?” Ava said. She’d invited them all. Queenie, her mom, Diana, even Hillary. Jasper deserved everyone’s support. Just before the lights dipped they finally arrived, and the four of them took the table directly in front of Ava. She was relieved. For even if Jasper saw them, he wouldn’t see her. She would have the element of surprise. Soon an MC trotted out onstage and faced the audience. “Straight from the courtrooms of London, get ready to hand down a verdict to our very own Jasper Keyes.”

  Polite applause clattered around the room. Jasper stumbled onstage. Was that on purpose? It wasn’t funny, just awkward. But Ava wasn’t going to judge. She was going to support him no matter what. Jasper stood in front of the mic. He looked slightly shocked. Poor fellow. She bet that’s how she looked whenever she was outside. Absolutely terrified. “Hello, London,” Jasper said. “How is everyone this fine, soggy evening?” Ava slipped down into her chair a little. So did Franco and Georgie. Oh, no. If he was already embarrassing the drag queens then Jasper was in real trouble.

  “So, I’ve been dating an inside girl. Not because she’s in the know, or connected somehow, but because she literally has to stay inside.” Hillary’s laugh rang through the room. Even Ava had to admit her laugh was so obnoxious it was funny, and funny was infectious, and soon several were laughing along with her. Now Jasper knew that Hillary was there. And thoroughly enjoying the jab at Ava. Would that slow him down? Ava could feel Franco and Georgie staring at her. She also saw the table in front of her, with the obvious exception of Hillary, completely tense. Queenie, her mother, and Diana sat like they had poles for spines. Oh, how they wanted to turn around and see Ava’s reaction. It was amusing to watch. I’m the one who told him to talk about what he knows! Ava wanted to shout at them. Lighten up. I’m not upset. He’s following his dream because of me. He’s getting laughs. That’s all that matters. But still, Ava couldn’t produce a laugh. She felt lik
e a block of ice.

  “If you’ve never met an agoraphobic you should probably stay in more. Then again, I never seem to get lucky when I try and take her out. It’s a bit hard on the ego, knowing that going out with me nearly kills her. Whenever we have a fight she gets real stern and says, ‘Let’s take this inside.’ ” Ava laughed. That one was funny. It caught her off guard. This time, the table did turn, en masse, and look at her. Ava smiled and waved at them. Hillary frowned. “It’s really hard to go on vacation. I guess if we stay together I’m going to need a mobile home.”

  Ava laughed again. That was a good one too. She’d never thought of that. Maybe she would like a mobile home. She’d managed on the bus full of schoolchildren, hadn’t she?

  “I think an outdoor wedding is out, and I never have to worry about her stalking me. She says she has an invisible disability. I’d rather she had an invisible friend. A really hot one who wanted to join us in the bed. Or under the bed as the case may be, because that’s where my girlfriend likes to go when she’s scared. And I grew up worried there were monsters under the bed; imagine my relief to find out it was only girls.”

  Whoa. Did he just say that? A roar rose from the crowd. Diana was laughing so hard she had to tug on her turtleneck as if she couldn’t breathe. Come on. It wasn’t that funny. They were supposed to support Jasper because he was flopping, not roar with laughter over her faults. Why didn’t he pick on someone else? Why not make fun of Hillary? There was enough material there for a lifetime of jabs. “But the best thing about dating an agoraphobic is that I never have to go to the ballet again. I hate the ballet. My last girlfriend said it was either her or the ballet. So I picked the ballet.” Ava laughed, but nobody else did. Jasper’s head suddenly jerked up. Shit. Did he recognize my laugh? Go back to making fun of me! Ava wanted to shout. “But all jokes aside, I’m in love.”

  He’s in love? Did he just say that out loud to a roomful of strangers? The crowd applauded and cheered. Hillary whirled around in her seat and glared at Ava with a look so hateful that Ava actually stopped breathing for a few seconds. The colored dots danced onto the scene. Great. A man tells her he’s in love with her—or rather tells a roomful of strangers—and she panics. You love him too. You do. You love that quirky, nice British man. He couldn’t be talking about someone else, could he? What? Did she think he was seeing another agoraphobic behind her back? He loved her.

  Franco and Georgie looked at her without turning their heads. But she could feel their eyeballs sliding in her direction. “She tells me that when she goes outside her body goes into fight-or-flight mode. It’s as if she’s being chased across the Serengeti by a wild boar. Londoners can relate, can’t we? It’s called Tuesdays at Tesco.” When another wave of laughter hit, Ava hunched over, and dived underneath the table. It was too much. Too many people looking at her. But Jasper was good. He was funny. Most of the time. Franco uncrossed his legs to give her more room, and Georgie patted her on the head.

  Jasper paused as the place filled with laughter. It felt so good. He was surprised to see Hillary, and Queenie, and even Ava’s mother sitting next to that tiny woman in a turtleneck. He wished Ava were here. She would be a good sport; he knew she would. She encouraged him, practically gave him permission to joke about whatever he knew. “I joke around, but I want to get serious for a moment. You see, I never would have imagined that someone who stayed in so much could know so much about the world. Ava cares about people. She loves people. She’s done nothing but support me, and you too Queenie, and everyone else she’s met since the day I picked her up at the aeroport with a rubbish bag over her head.” There was laughter at this, but Jasper held his hand up. “She’s opened my eyes to the fact that there are so many people out there struggling in ways we can’t comprehend. We Londoners live such busy lives, filled with our to-do lists, and our social activities, and our clubs, and our bands, and our loves. We couldn’t imagine spending a sunny day inside—we get so little of them. We don’t think of the grocery store as a battlefield, that is, unless you shop at Tesco on Tuesdays. Sorry. I did that one already. Right. There are a few Londoners I think who could and should take a page from Ava’s book. Prince Harry, for one. He’d get in a lot less trouble if he would just stay inside. I see my ex-girlfriend is here tonight. Hello, Hillary.”

  Hillary looked appalled, but she managed to nod back. “I want to thank her for breaking up with me, so that when Ava came into my life I was available. Because before Ava, I had a disability too. I always fell for the wrong girl. The hard-to-please girl. The disappearing girl. The nothing-is-ever-good-enough girl. I always tried to change myself so that they would like me better. You see, I’m the dreaded Nice Guy. And nobody has ever liked that side of me, until Ava. Including me. So I don’t give a damn if I have to bring the entire world into her living room. I want to be with her, and if that means I’d better lose a few stone to fit under the bed then that’s what I’m going to do. And since I’ve now completely faced my fear that you wankers would boo me off the stage, I’m going to use you to help me face another fear. I just want to practice what I’d say to the most amazing Yank I’ve ever met if she were here right now. Are you ready?”

  Jasper got down on one knee. The audience erupted in cheers, and banter.

  “Go for it.”

  “Ava,” Jasper said. “I don’t tan very easily anyway.” The audience roared with laughter. “You think you’re the one who’s got a disability, but it’s nothing compared to how dysfunctional I would be if you were to disappear from my life right now. I don’t care if we ever walk along the Thames—”

  “Why would you? It stinks!” a heckler yelled out.

  “Or ride the Tube—”

  “The Tube is bloody awful—”

  “Or see Downton Abbey in person—”

  “Free Maggie Smith!” A few cheers mixed with boos rang from the crowd.

  “I love you. I want to be wherever you are. Ava Wilder. Will you marry me?” The crowd cheered, and clapped. A few stood and applauded. Jasper bowed. He bathed in the praise and stood until the room was quiet again, and just as he was about to exit stage right a familiar voice called out.

  “Bloody hell.” Jasper stopped in his tracks and turned to the audience. It sounded like Ava. Heads turned to the back. Franco and Georgie sat at the last table. Georgie’s cheeks were puffed out as if he was holding his breath. Franco glanced down at the tabletop as if he could see through it.

  “Oh shit,” Jasper said. The voice. It definitely belonged to Ava. And it had come from underneath the table.

  Hillary was standing by the table. Ava recognized the smell of expensive heels. Soon her face appeared underneath the tablecloth. Everybody else at Jasper’s request had politely left. He was in the loo. He was probably terrified he’d hurt her feelings. But the opposite was true. He was funny. She was proud of him. But in order for her to tell him, he’d have to come out of the loo and she’d have to emerge from underneath the table. At this moment they were about as star-crossed as lovers could get. But Ava still couldn’t stop smiling. He’d proposed. Sort of. At least practiced proposing. To the shut-in. The Inside Girl. What was considered bat-shit crazy in America was adorably quirky in London. She belonged.

  Marriage. Yikes. The thought of it made Ava’s little colored dots to go at warp speed. Her sense of smell was suddenly heightened, too, and in a dank club that wasn’t a good thing. Stale cigarettes, and spilled beer, and dirty feet. She really needed to get out from under the table. On Diana’s way out she had handed Ava another Xanax. She was just waiting for it to kick in. She dug in her purse. Wallet, lipstick, mirror, brush. She’d forgotten to carry a rubbish bag. That was progress, but boy, she wished she had it.

  “Good luck proving you’re of sound mind now,” Hillary said.

  “Screw you,” Ava said.

  “Do you love him back?”

  Hillary’s question startled her. For a moment Hillary looked human. Maybe it was because Ava was sitting on a dirty floor.
“Yes,” she said. “Very much.”

  “Then do the human thing. Let him go.”

  “How dare you.”

  “How dare me? Do you want to know why I broke up with him?” Ava simply stared at her. “Because I saw what a truly great person he is. I mean really great. And I didn’t love him.”

  “But I do.”

  “Love isn’t everything. You’re condemning him to a virtual prison.”

  “I’m out now, aren’t I?”

  “You’re underneath a table in a dank cellar on a filthy floor.” She had her there. “He’ll spend the rest of his life doomed to a little, little life. Don’t do that to him. I’m sorry you have this condition. But at least be honest about it. You don’t need a flat in London. You don’t need a vibrant, adventurous guy like Jasper. Let me buy the flat for Queenie. Hell, we both know you aren’t going to complete the list, so it’s a very generous offer. At least you and your mother can buy a place back in the cornfields of Indiana or wherever it is you live.”

  “Iowa,” Ava said.

  “You owe me, what?” Hillary said.

  “Leave her alone.” It was Queenie. It was good to hear his voice.

  “Uncle,” Hillary said.

  “Don’t call me that in the same breath that you’re tormenting this poor girl.”

  “I’m only telling her the truth.”

  “Ava? Can I come in?” Queenie’s face appeared underneath the table. Ava hadn’t meant to start crying, but one look at Queenie’s concerned face and her eyes filled with tears. Ava nodded and Queenie sat on the floor with the tablecloth over his head, staying at the edge because he was too large to fit underneath the table.

  “She’s right,” Ava said. “I’d ruin Jasper’s life.”

  Queenie took her hands in his and held them. “Don’t you listen to her. You’ve earned your place under this table,” he said. Ava burst out laughing; then Queenie threw his head back and roared.