Haeven

by S. M. Bowles

  Penny was chattering away as we walked. I tried to listen but when I glanced towards the living room I saw that Herrik and Artur were still there standing in front of the fireplace. As I was passing I noticed that they were both very animated and though they were no longer speaking out loud their expressions and gestures seemed to indicate that they were in a heated discussion.

  Herrik saw me watching them as we passed by and when he caught my eye reached out and touched Artur on the shoulder, "We can talk more about this later. I'm going to check on the girls and make sure they have everything they need."

  Artur bit his lip and reluctantly agreed. By then we were at the door to Penny's room and I followed her in. As she moved around the room inspecting it Herrik came to the door. He gave a quick rap before coming in, "What do you think?" he happily demanded.

  "Perfect!" Penny effused.

  "Is there anything I can get you before I leave?" he studied Penny first who just raised her brows and shook her head no then he turned to me.

  "No...no I don't think so," I was so discomfited by Herrik's generosity my words came out in a raspy whisper.

  "Oh, Penny," he said as though he had just remembered, "you should try and catch Artur before he gets very far and ask for the code. I forgot to get it before he left."

  Penny hurried off without a word.

  Herrik's expression changed dramatically and he took both my hands in his, "Artur is insisting that I do to you what I've done to Penny."

  I began shaking and shivering certain I knew what he was suggesting.

  "I refused."

  "But why..." I started to ask.

  "I want you to remember. I want it to remind you to think about the consequences before you act."

  My heart felt like a leaden weight in my chest as I looked down at my feet. He had every reason in the world to hate me and I knew it.

  "I need to show you something," Herrik's voice was insistent. I looked up and he unexpectedly pressed his forehead to mine. "Close your eyes."

  I did. He released my hands and a moment later I felt the pressure of his fingers at the back of my neck holding me in place. I felt off balance and reflexively put my hands on his hips to brace myself. Then I saw it or felt it mostly – the little walls that built themselves up and wrapped themselves around all my thoughts. I realized what he was doing; showing me how to protect myself from the others, from anyone trying to pry into my mind and discover information that I didn't want to share.

  "Ah," I sighed, "I see..."

  "Good. Now show me."

  He pulled back and all the barriers he seemed to have put up crumbled. At first I couldn't do it; I couldn't replicate what Herrik had done.

  "It's different for everyone and not everyone has the ability to do it," Herrik whispered. "Here, try this." This time it seemed as though my ideas were covered in a shadow or a cloak and everything that was going on in my mind was suddenly obscured.

  "Oh," I seemed to understand and I took control of the cloak and let it swing open then wrapped it back around again.

  "Excellent," he softly said.

  My body suddenly tensed and I felt flushed from head to toe. I didn't dare open my eyes, couldn't bear the thought of Herrik looking at me just then. Despite all the fear, anger and hatred I continuously directed at him he was still being civil and generous to me. I was so ashamed for all that I had done and against my inner misgivings I wanted to trust him. He was...

  Penny cleared her throat from where she stood in the hallway startling me back to my senses. I was horrified by what I thought she might have seen, the way Herrik and I were standing together could easily have been misunderstood. I quickly realized that my fear was completely unnecessary. Herrik was nowhere to be seen and it was just me standing dazedly in the hall with Penny nervously asking me if everything was alright.

  Chapter 6

  It was obvious that something was wrong and Penny tried her best to cheer me up. When that didn't work she changed tactics. "Have you eaten?" she asked.

  "I'm not feeling very well," I confessed.

  I knew she understood and I was sure that she was aware that it was a topic that I would be unwilling to discuss. "Maybe you're just hungry," she said. "I get down sometimes when I'm hungry.”

  "Maybe," I said with a fair amount of enthusiasm.

  I was actually very hungry. I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten.

  "Why don't you go wash up and I'll see what I can rustle up for us?"

  I started towards the common bathroom then remembering that I had one of my own turned and instead went to my bedroom and closed the door behind me. I decided to take a moment to myself and sat down on the edge of my bed. For a fleeting moment I wanted to just throw myself down on the pillows and cry again, cry and cry until I couldn't cry any more.

  "Will every day be like this?" I asked myself. "Nothing seems to be going right any more. Everything I do, everything I've done...it all seems so...so wrong."

  I thought about Jesse and how betrayed he must have felt when they passed judgment on him.

  "What do they do to the...outcasts?" my mind couldn't come up with a more appropriate word. "Do they kill them?" I wondered. "No, Herrik would never let that happen," and I was absolutely certain I was right especially after learning that he had taken such a terrible risk in order to protect Penny and myself.

  "Where do they go and what happens to them? Was Daemon an outcast? Did they judge him the way they judged Jesse? Or maybe he ran away before they could. He must have done something horribly wrong if Carah was trying to kill him." I clenched my jaw, "I don't like her!" and though I thought it was something I had just decided it was really something I felt right from the start.

  "And poor Penny! Herrik told me she doesn't remember. He must have made her forget; Carah said that he could do that. Is that all they do?" Then for a brief moment I wished Herrik had made me forget; forget what I had done, forget why I was there...maybe even forget my mother and father and brother so I wouldn't miss them so much. I didn't really want to forget my family; just then they were the only happy memories I had but my heart ached to forget everything else.

  "I want you to remember," Herrik had said. He defied Artur because he wanted me to remember so I would never put him or anyone else for that matter in such a difficult situation again. He wanted the day's events to serve as a reminder for me to think twice about ever trying to leave again. He seemed to know that I might not hesitate to put myself in jeopardy but I would never knowingly let anyone else get hurt at my expense.

  I heard Penny's soft rap on the door, "Emily?"

  "Yep, I'm coming," I hopped off the bed, hastily washed my hands and found her in the kitchen.

  After we ate her belongings began to arrive, brought down from her own apartment by a steady stream of visitors. Some lingered after they stacked her boxes in the appropriate rooms and helped her unpack. Everyone else left after leaving their deliveries and a word or two of well-wishing. There didn't seem any point to me being there during these impromptu visits so rather than staying cooped up and forced to meet any of the strange people that came by I decided to explore the garden.

  I was uplifted by the fact that it was right outside my front door and in my mind I attempted to retrace the route we had taken to the apartment. I wondered if I would be able to find my way to the pond again thinking that would be the best place to go without worrying too much about getting lost. As soon as I finished eating I cleaned up, grabbed a pair of shoes and quietly slipped out the front door. I was looking down as I exited, tugging on my shoes and as I hopped a step or two up the path I ran straight into Carah.

  She was standing with her back towards me looking out across the expanse of trees and shrubs and was completely surprised and utterly annoyed when I stumbled into her.

  "I'm sorry," I said, "I wasn't expecting you to be there."

  "Nor was I," she grumbled.

  I moved around her and started wandering down the path I thought
most likely to take me towards the pond. Carah followed directly behind me. I tried not to let it bother me and as soon as I came to a split in the path I had chosen I broke off from it and changed directions. Carah did the same.

  "Are you following me," I asked unable to check the disapproval in my voice. "I'm just going to the pond."

  Carah raised her eyebrows at me, "The pond is that way," she pointed.

  "Right. Thanks!" I smiled and turned in the opposite direction.

  As soon as I started walking again Carah did as well.

  "Are you going to the pond, too?" I asked fully dismayed.

  Carah opened her mouth to speak, stopped, opened it again and said, "Herrik asked me to stay with you; until you know your way around and are familiar with some of the people you're likely to meet."

  It didn't take me long to fully understand exactly what was happening. Carah was obviously there to keep an eye on me and to make sure that I didn't cause any more trouble. I wondered if it would be a permanent condition or a temporary one. The prospect of having Carah constantly on my heels made me feel more than resentful; another burden to add to the countless others I suddenly had to bear.

  Full of longing I looked down the path she said would lead me to the pond then back up the path toward the apartment door and before I could make a decision as to whether or not to go on Artur came into view and began walking towards us.

  "Emily, just the person I was looking for." I was completely taken aback and my mind went into a whirlwind of fear as he drew near the two of us. "May I walk with you a moment?"

  I could only nod wide-eyed and nervous.

  "Where are you heading?" he asked.

  I didn't have the sense or courage to answer just then. Carah spoke up for me, "The pond," she indicated the path with a toss of her head.

  "Perfect," Artur smiled and laying his hand on my shoulder he began to lead me away.

  Of all the people I had met so far Artur was the one I feared the most. After he had condemned me in my apartment for not realizing what I had done to Herrik and Penny I knew he hated me, perhaps more than I imagined Herrik did. Carah didn't like me either, I was sure of that, so I was too afraid to talk or do anything other than what I thought they wanted me to do.

  "So, Emily, Herrik has been very generous with your new apartment."

  "Yes," I replied.

  "Not so very long ago it was his, did you know that?"

  I was somewhat surprised by the idea, "No."

  Carah was shuffling along a number of feet behind us, purposefully hanging back it seemed. I wondered if it was something Artur had told her to do or if she was just being indifferent now that Artur had taken charge of where we were going.

  "How old are you Emily?"

  "I'll be 16 in November."

  "Very good. And what grade are you in?"

  "I'll be a junior this year."

  "Mmm hmm. What are your favorite subjects?"

  This was a confusing conversation to be having. I couldn't imagine why he would take such an interest in me especially after my attempt to flee and knowing the possible exposure it would have brought to him and the others.

  I answered Artur's questions as quickly and concisely as I could manage and eventually we arrived at the pond. Artur motioned to one of the benches and had me take a seat. Carah waited nearby resting her weight against a shady tree and looking thoroughly disinterested in everything we discussed.

  When Artur's interview was over and he felt he had gleaned enough information from me he told me what it was all for. "Well, I will have Carah take you back to your apartment. After a few days and once you and Penny have had a chance to get settled I will send for you and we can begin your studies."

  "Studies?" I blurted out.

  "Oh, yes, didn't Herrik tell you?" I shook my head. "Well, he's had a lot of other concerns these past few days," he said somewhat pointedly. "No one is idle here, young Emily. If you are not working here or out there," he motioned with his arm, "you are studying or doing whatever else you can to improve the quality of our lives. I'm sure you understand." Not fully, but I nodded anyway. "Good. Carah," Artur hurriedly stood up. "What day is it?" he asked. I had no idea.

  "Thursday," Carah offered.

  "Very good. Monday then. I will send someone for you Monday morning."

  Artur nodded a farewell to Carah and without another word stepped away. I sat in a confused paralysis as I watched him leave.

  "Are you ready to go home yet?" Carah asked snapping me out of the bewildered state I was in.

  "Yes," I sighed, "I guess I am."

  I gave the pond a sweeping glance and after she pointed me in the right direction we got on our way. Carah stayed behind me but not so far that I couldn't speak with her if I wished. I was horrified by the thought of having to study with Artur. I was sure he would be a ruthless teacher under the circumstances and couldn't help myself from wondering out loud.

  "Do you think he will ever forgive me?"

  "What's that?" Carah asked.

  "Oh, nothing," I tried to brush it off.

  "Forgive you for what? Artur is not one to hold a grudge."

  It was a ray of hope and I brightened at the confidence of Carah's statement. Unthinkingly, I answered "For what Herrik did for me and for Penny."

  "What did Herrik do for you that Artur would have any reason to be angry about? Surely not the apartment...no one has lived there for years."

  I began to suspect that Carah didn't know what had happened at the judgment and my heart shrank with the idea that I might have just betrayed Herrik yet again.

  "It was nothing, really, just..." I couldn't think of a convincing lie. "I saw Artur arguing with Herrik; he thinks you would all be better off if I weren't here. Herrik insisted I stay though."

  Carah narrowed her eyes at me, "Yes, he would," she mumbled.

  For a split second I felt that strange prickling behind my eyes and thought she might be trying to discover whether or not I had spoken truthfully. As soon as I recognized the attempt I remembered what Herrik had taught me and the sensation quickly faded. I was sure that Carah knew what I had just done and she seemed very irritated by the idea that I could keep her out of my thoughts.

  She didn't let on though and thankfully didn't press me for any further explanations. We hardly said another word until we got back to the apartment.

  "I'll be right here if you need me," she said with a smile that looked more like a sneer than anything else.

  I nervously smiled back hating myself for what I may have given away and imagining all the horrible things could come from it then let myself into the apartment.

  "Oh, thank God, there you are!" Penny cried out when she saw me. "I didn't know where you were. Where did you go? You should have left a note!"

  "I'm sorry," it came out in little more than a whisper I was so worked up about what I had said to Carah. "Everyone was busy; I didn't think you'd miss me."

  Penny saw how uncomfortable I was and assumed it was because of the harsh tone she was speaking to me with, "No," she said somewhat apologetically, "no, it wasn't your fault I worried. I just...Herrik asked me to look after you and he would never forgive me if anything happened to you."

  "Oh," I thought, "if she only knew. Herrik would probably thank his lucky stars!" Thinking that way made me plunge even further into my guilt. "It won't happen again," I promised.

  Penny cocked her head at me and studied me for a minute, "Emily, are you feeling alright? You look a little...I don't know...tired, run down."

  I wished so much that she wouldn't talk to me like that. She was so sweet and concerned; so motherly. "I'm fine," I assured her and knowing that it would only worry her more if I didn't have a worthy excuse for my moroseness I explained to her that I ran into Artur while I was out and that he told me I would have to start studying with him first thing Monday.

  "So that's what's got you down," she smiled with relief. "School!"

  I tried smiling back.
r />   "Well, try not to imagine the worst. Artur is an excellent teacher and I'm sure you will enjoy spending time with him."

  I knew that wasn't at all true.

  There was so much I wanted to tell her just then, so many things I wanted to confess. I imagined how nice it would feel to have her hold me and to hear her say that everything would be alright. I pictured her comforting me and telling me that it wasn't my fault; just a series of unfortunate events – accidents that no one could possibly have prevented. But Herrik had made me promise and I had already made so many mistakes. I couldn't afford to make any more.

  I tried to change the subject and looked around at all the empty boxes, "Did you manage to get everything unpacked?"

  "For the most part. There's a few odds and ends here and there but nothing I need to get to right away. Oh, that reminds me, we moved your boxes to your room. You should put your things away when you have a chance – no hurry, though," she added hoping it wouldn't sound too much like she was telling me what to do.

  "Now's as good a time as any," I shrugged, "might as well get it out of the way."

  "Would you like some help?"

  "No thank you. I can manage."

  "Well, let me know if you change your mind," Penny sighed.

  Once I was alone in my room my happy façade faded. I began unpacking the few boxes of my belongings and putting them away one by one. There wasn't much to do, mostly just hanging the clothes Herrik or Avery or whoever he sent out had bought me. I noticed that there were a number of new articles I hadn't seen before and thought to myself that Herrik must have expanded my wardrobe while I was away with Carah and Artur. Eventually I came to the shirt he had given me to use for nightclothes and seeing it gave me another stab of regret.

  "Please don't let anything happen to him! Please don't let Carah know what he did for me!" I pleaded as I buttoned it up and hung it in the far corner of the closet.

  When I was done I knew I wasn't ready to face Penny again so soon so I stretched out on my bed and tried to extinguish all my unhappy thoughts. My nerves were wrought though and I couldn't think of anything else. Every moment that passed I imagined would be the moment Carah would come bursting through my door to drag me off to the chamber where they had judged Jesse and Penny. They would examine my thoughts and learn exactly what Herrik had done. He would be condemned and probably me and Penny, too, along with Artur and Avery who, other than myself, were apparently the only ones who knew of the deception.