Haeven

by S. M. Bowles

  "They would kill us all if they knew! And it would be all my fault!" As I berated myself my thoughts grew darker and darker. "I am a killer! I've killed them all!" my mind insisted. My head ached with nervousness. I missed my home and my family.

  My stomach turned and lurched when I thought about them. I sprang from the bed and ran to my bathroom and heaved, once...twice...a third time. My eyes were streaming, my nose was running, and my heart was racing. I blacked out for who knows how long while my mind wandered through all the possible things to come.

  When I came to and realized where I was and remembered what had happened I stripped myself from my clothes and threw them all in the nearby hamper. I took a shower determined to wash it all away and when I was done I dressed in some lounge clothes and deciding I had had enough lay down hoping sleep would relieve me from all the awful burdens I felt I was under.

  Before I could get the covers up and close my eyes though Penny was at my door. "Emily, are you hungry? I've made some dinner for us."

  I threw my feet over the edge of the bed and went to the door, "I'm really tired Penny. I don't think I can eat right now."

  "My," she said as she looked me over, "you are aren't you. Were you sleeping? I'm sorry if I woke you."

  "No, it's OK I just got out of the shower and was about to lay down."

  "Well, you go ahead and rest. I'll put a plate together for you and put it in the fridge in case you wake up hungry."

  "Thanks," I started to close the door.

  "Goodnight," Penny's voice sounded hopeful.

  I wondered if she was expecting a hug from me. "I can't," I thought to myself, "I can't care about her and I can't let her care about me after what I've done." "Goodnight," I called back.

  I trudged back to my bed and curled myself into a ball beneath the covers. I forced my eyes closed and fought to find some happy memory to focus on hoping it would help me to fall asleep. Whether or not it worked I didn't know. Throughout the night I felt wide awake and was plagued by so many vivid and disturbing images that I honestly couldn't tell if they were dreams and nightmares or just my overtaxed and anxiety-filled mind making what was actually there into something that was not.

  It was a terribly long time before the garden began to brighten and birds began to chirp. Eventually the light finally chased enough of the shadows away and I could see that my floor hadn't disappeared or become some unimaginably deep abyss. I looked closely at all the objects in my room and when I was sure that my shoes were not some serpent or rodent waiting to crawl across my foot as soon as I left my bed, I threw the covers back then raced from my room and all the horrors that had haunted me there throughout the night.

  I went straight to the front door, swung it wide and stumbled outside gasping for breath.

  "Everything alright?"

  "Avery?" I looked left and right but didn't see him anywhere.

  He cleared his throat and when I turned in the direction of the sound saw him standing next to the key pad. "Don't let him know. He doesn't need to know what's wrong! He'll think I'm foolish and weak," I told myself and forced a warm smile. "I just needed some fresh air," I said, "I guess it will take some getting used to; being this far underground."

  "It shouldn't." Avery stated matter-of-factly.

  I hated being contradicted but didn't dare challenge him. My head was foggy and I knew I wouldn't be able to think quickly enough to match wits with him or anyone for that matter.

  "What are you doing here anyway?" I cautiously inquired.

  Avery chuckled smugly, "I'm sure you can guess."

  "Of course. Herrik sent you to keep an eye on me."

  Avery raised his brows, "Would you rather I fetch Carah instead?"

  "How does he know how I feel about Carah?!" I thought to myself.

  "Touched a nerve have I?"

  "Why..." I started to ask then realized that I already knew the answer as to why he was being so abrasive.

  I looked away, "I'm sorry," I mumbled and turned to head back inside.

  "Sorry? Well that makes everything all better now doesn't it?"

  I stopped in my tracks, "No," I whispered, "no it does not."

  "I'm glad we understand one another then."

  I nodded and without looking his way let myself back inside.

  After the night I had just spent this was not the way I wanted to start my day. I buried my face in my hands and told myself over and over again not to cry. Once I was sure I wouldn't lose control I went to the living room and plopped down in front of the TV. I flipped through the channels and when I couldn't settle on anything to watch left it on some documentary about people who lived in the Arctic.

  I felt a subliminal chill run through me and tugged the throw off the back of the couch then wrapped myself into a little cocoon. Not long afterwards the sleep that had evaded me all night finally took hold of me. I dozed off into a surprisingly sound slumber. An hour later though Penny touched me on the shoulder and I woke up screaming and fighting to free myself from the tangle the blanket had become.

  "Whoa, Emily, easy! Are you alright? Were you having a bad dream?"

  "Penny? Oh, I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! I know it doesn't change anything but...but..." I blubbered.

  "Ssh, Emily, ssh. There's nothing for you to apologize for."

  "Oh, but there is!" I insisted but before I could say anything more the buzzer rang and we could hear Avery calling out to us from beyond the front door.

  "I'll be right back," Penny assured me.

  She went to the door and let Avery in.

  "I heard a scream!" he looked anxiously from Penny to me and back again.

  "Emily just had a bad dream," Penny explained. "Everything's fine." Then realizing the strangeness of Avery being there just then, "What are you doing here?"

  Avery's jaw clenched, "I was just passing by and..."

  "Ah," Penny nodded in relief. "Herrik sent you to make sure we were comfortable and had everything we needed," Penny quickly deduced. "Well, everything's fine. You can let him know that we are doing quite well and we'll be sure to let him know if we think of anything," she looked expectantly at him then down the hall towards the front door.

  Avery caught my eye and shot me a warning look. I wondered if he somehow knew what I had been about to do. I looked away guiltily and shortly afterwards heard his steps as he went to the front door and let himself out.

  Penny came back to where I was sitting and arranged herself beside me, “Are you sure you’re alright?” she asked. “I know you’re feeling overwhelmed, Emily and it’s going to take some time for you to adjust. I will help you however I can but trust me, you will learn to love it here. It’s just that everything seems so foreign to you right now. Nothing is where you expect it to be and you have to meet new people and make new friends but it will pass, Emily. You’ll see.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded.

  "Would you like some breakfast?"

  "No," I couldn't imagine trying to eat just then and Penny's natural generosity was gnawing away at me. Hungry or not I couldn't bring myself to accept her offer.

  "Emily," her voice full of disapproval, "you didn't eat any dinner and you clearly haven't slept well. You need to eat something or you'll waste away."

  I shrugged, "I can just have some cereal."

  "Cereal? I could go for some eggs myself; how do you like yours?" she seemed determined to get me to eat. "Do you like them spicy? My mom always made scrambled eggs for us and she would put some salsa in them so they were nice and spicy...mmm."

  It didn't sound so mmm to me but I agreed to her suggestion rather than argue and asked if I could help.

  "Sure but wash up first."

  It didn't take long between the two of us even though Penny had to stop what she was doing once or twice to help me with what I was working on. I had never really cooked for myself; both my parents worked and it was either a bowl of cereal or something from the toaster most mornings. It was something new fo
r me, too, to be sitting down to an unhurried breakfast and not worrying about buses or carpool or dry cleaning or the hundred other errands my mother would try to do before and after work.

  Penny made coffee and I asked if I could try some. It smelled so good; warm and comforting and I knew it was supposed to help keep you awake and alert which I thought would be quite useful after the sleepless night I spent.

  She poured me half a mug and let me try a sip black first. It was dark and bitter, much like the way I was feeling and my face soured at the taste of it. Penny laughed at my expression, "Yep, that's how I expected you to react!" Then she sweetened it with cream and sugar for me.

  "Ooh, that's so much better," I smiled over the rim. Then I thought, "I wish there was a way I could add some cream and sugar to my life!"

  I finished the coffee well before the eggs. It filled me up more than I had expected and though Penny prodded me to eat more she eventually gave into my proclamations that I just wasn't hungry and let me clear our plates away before excusing myself so that I could get ready to start our day.

  Since there was little else to do Penny suggested that we venture out so I could learn my way around a bit. Once we left the apartment the first thing I saw was Avery. Somehow Penny didn't notice him and I was surprised that rather than following us he stood his ground. Apparently it didn't matter who I was with as long as I was with someone. I tried not to think anything more of it.

  Penny ended up taking me on a lengthy tour of all the common areas. She introduced me to everyone she knew and pointed out others that she just recognized. Judging by the people we met I decided that Penny was very well-liked.

  I, on the other hand, was new and though everyone was friendly I felt like there was a great deal of suspicion in their regard. It was bearable most of the time but once or twice I felt the need to excuse myself from a conversation Penny struck up during our ramble pretending something had caught my eye and my curiosity had gotten the better of me. Penny would conclude her chat shortly afterwards politely indicating that she needed to get back to me but hoped she would see whoever it was again soon.

  "You needn't be so shy," she said to me one time. "The sooner you get to know everyone the sooner you will feel at home here."

  I didn't think I would ever feel at home there. Other than Penny there weren't any other people there like me. I knew there were on the upper levels but also knew that it was very unlikely I would be allowed to meet any of them. Either way I was probably the youngest person there and I doubted very much anyone was even close to my age.

  A little after mid-day I began to feel the effects of not getting a good, night's sleep. I was yawning and zoning out, rubbing my eyes and shuffling my feet. When she noticed Penny finally led us home where we quietly passed the rest of the day.

  By the time evening fell I could barely keep my eyes open and I was so tired that I forgot all my fear and apprehension and gladly went to bed as soon as Penny suggested it.

  Chapter 7

  Unfortunately the night wasn’t much better than the last. I managed some fitful bouts of sleep but mostly tossed and turned and fretted over every little detail of my day. Every face I saw flashed before my eyes, every word I spoke I questioned whether or not I should have spoken it. I was terrified that I wasn’t using the trick Herrik had taught me to cloak what was in my mind properly and that every thought I had was there on the surface for anyone to come along and pluck away from me.

  I intermittently slept, panicked and recovered only to repeat the process over and over again until the morning finally came and I accepted the fact that sleep had eluded me yet again and it was time to get up.

  Rather than wait I got dressed and imagining it would be an hour or more before Penny woke I decided to take a stroll through the garden. I left a brief note explaining where I was and when I expected to be back. Carah was just outside the front door when I stepped out and for a brief moment I thought about turning back but thought that would only confirm for her that I had something to hide even if it just was myself from her.

  I made an extra effort to keep my thoughts hidden and smiling cheerfully offered her a gracious good morning then got on my way. It was so beautiful in the garden first thing in the morning. The birds were flitting here and there, the grass was dappled with dew, and there were little tendrils of fog drifting across the pond. I was surprised to find myself there and realized that I must have somehow remembered the way. As I gazed across it I thought I noticed a door on the far side and wondered where it would lead to.

  I decided to find out.

  Carah was still following me; trailing a number of yards behind but when we were near enough for her to know where I was heading she called out for me to stop.

  “I don’t think Herrik would enjoy a visit from you right now.”

  “Oh, is that whose door it is?”

  “There are only two apartments in the garden; yours and his.”

  I didn’t know that.

  “There’s no keypad?”

  Carah guffawed, “Herrik doesn’t need one.”

  I frowned wondering what she meant by the statement. She was impossible to read. Other than angry I could never tell what she was thinking. It didn’t really matter, I would never willingly visit Herrik anyway. The thought of facing him horrified me. I was sure he would know even if no one else seemed to, somehow he would know that I more or less confessed his cover-up to Carah.

  I turned and began to walk away but glanced back when we were on the opposite side of the pond again. I don’t know what possessed me to stand there staring at his door but I felt like I should wait a moment, that somehow I expected him and sure enough a moment later the door opened. Artur came first then Herrik directly behind him. They were both smiling and laughing at something only the two of them could know.

  Seeing them in such good spirits made me smile, too, until Artur noticed me standing there watching and I fearfully dropped my gaze. I wanted to hurry away but Artur called to Carah and asked if we would join them for a minute.

  “Penny’s waiting for me,” I urged Carah to decline.

  “Nonsense,” I knew she could see how nervous I was about having to face them.

  She spun me around and marched me back the way we had just come. Herrik said good morning to each of us and Artur did the same. “Will you come in or would you rather walk?”

  Carah looked at me for an answer.

  “Oh, walk I guess.”

  Herrik held his arm out to indicate that I should lead the way. I took us once more towards the opposite side of the pond. Artur matched his pace to mine and Herrik fell in with Carah.

  “How are you adjusting to the new apartment?” Artur politely asked.

  I kept my eyes on my feet so I wouldn’t have to look at him. “It’s very beautiful. Thank you,” I answered.

  “Herrik may have already asked but is there anything you need?”

  “Oh, no. Nothing at all.”

  There was a lull in conversation. I think Artur may have been waiting for me to say something but I was too flustered knowing Herrik was just a few short steps behind us to think of anything whatsoever.

  “Have you tried your candleholders?” Artur seemed to be fishing for topics of conversation.

  I blushed scarlet, “I…I…”

  Artur chuckled, “You forgot all about them didn’t you?”

  “Yes,” I confessed. I chanced a glance back at Herrik hoping he wouldn’t be disappointed that I hadn’t remembered to try his gift. He either hadn’t heard or pretended not to have. He continued walking and talking quietly with Carah. My heart stopped for a moment when I caught his eye. He looked stunning, absolutely, “Radiant,” I thought in the misty morning light of the garden. I shook my head to clear it. “I will remember tonight, though, I promise.”

  Herrik’s face hinted at a smile, “Artur tells me that you are going to be studying together.”

  “Yes. On Monday.”

  “Good,” Herrik said w
ith a touch of humor and more to Artur than anyone else, “he’s been becoming a bit of a deadweight around here and it’s time enough he’s had something,” he paused and I could just discern Herrik’s voice in my head, “other than to lecture me,” then he finished what he was saying out loud, “to do!”

  “I’ve much and more to do, thank you! And lecturing you is only a very small part of it!”

  Herrik seemed to scoff at the statement.

  I had heard his private sentiment and wondered if I was intended to or if it had been a mistake. I couldn’t help wondering whether or not it meant that he could hear me too. “Does he know?” I wondered.

  “Well, I won’t keep you in your last few moments of freedom but I was just about to tell Carah that I would like her to work with you as well,” we had stopped at a turning point in the middle of one of the paths.

  My face fell. I couldn’t imagine what I would need to learn from Carah.

  “Self-defense,” Herrik answered my confused expression.

  Neither Carah nor I seemed very pleased with the idea. She started to protest while I shifted nervously and tried to think of an excuse that would be worthy of keeping me from the proposed activity. Artur spoke up before either Carah or I could voice our objections and he was actually the one who spared us from pleading against it.

  “Avery might be a more appropriate choice,” he said. Herrik looked surprised but Artur went on to explain, “Emily is small and slight, his style would probably be a better fit than Carah’s.”

  “Yes, perhaps you’re right. Avery then,” he said decidedly. “Artur, Carah would you give us half a moment?”