Haeven

by S. M. Bowles

  I started to cry; Herrik’s voice was so raw and wrought with emotion, so full of sorrow and regret.

  “I was…messy, careless. Maybe I wanted to get caught, I don’t know…maybe I wanted to find a way out but just didn’t have the courage to do it myself.”

  “And that was how Artur found you?” I sniffled.

  “Yes,” Herrik nodded and glanced up suddenly realizing what he was putting me through. “I’m sorry,” he stood up.

  “No…no…Herrik. It’s OK. I understand now. I know why you needed to tell me and I want to hear….I want to…to…help you. You said yourself…helping someone in trouble…it’s always, always the right thing to do…let me help you,” I tugged him back to his seat.

  “I said that?” he sighed and nodded, “I said that.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  Herrik took another deep breath and blew it all out. “He read the headlines, Artur knew the signs, understood that there was a reckless brute of a vampire aimlessly wandering from town to town with a total disregard for the lives he was taking. He tracked me down and coaxed me into believing that I needed to make the most of whatever was left of my humanity.”

  “Coaxed?”

  “Artur can be very…”

  “Influential.”

  Herrik smiled a warm, happy smile. “Yes.”

  I knew Herrik was being generous and I knew that influence was not at all the way Artur encouraged him to change.

  “I deserved it. After all I had done, Artur’s lessons were mild by comparison. I resisted, oh, how I resisted. Until…until…”

  “Artur brought you home.”

  “Yes, and I saw my wife and my son and what had become of them. My life wasn’t the only one I had ruined. Theirs and the countless others who happened across my path. I could see it all; the wake of destruction I had left behind in all the lives I had touched.”

  ““It doesn’t have to be this way,”” Artur said to me and for the first time since we met I listened to him; really listened to him and all he had to say. We came up with a plan…a plan of repentance for me; a way to try and make up for all that I had done. We started with my wife and son. Artur set up a trust for them, posed as an insurance carrier and told my wife that I was dead. He delivered her a policy that would provide her with a substantial monthly income; more than enough for a very comfortable life for her and for Daemon.”

  Herrik continued to speak for several minutes telling me of all the amends he went on to make not only to his wife but many of his other victims. Discrete, untraceable amends.

  “I could never do enough,” he shook his head, “No matter how many lifetimes I end up living, I knew I would never be able to do enough.”

  “And so you convinced Artur…that there were others…others like you who wanted to change and right their wrongs and that together you and he could help them.”

  “Yes,” Herrik smiled proudly.

  “And this…this is what it grew into?”

  “Yes.”

  “A haven.”

  “I never thought of it that way, but yes, a haven.”

  There was a dull ache in my temples as I considered all that he had said. My mind was swimming with ideas; Herrik’s and mine. I still had a lot of unanswered questions but couldn’t find a way to ask any of them.

  “It’s a lot.”

  “A lot,” I agreed.

  “I’ve never told anyone else. You… you and Artur. You’re the only ones who know.”

  “And Daemon.”

  “Yes, of course, and Daemon.”

  “How…” I started to ask but I never got to finish my question.

  Herrik’s buzzer rang, “I have to get that,” he said. “It’s Artur.”

  “I understand. May I…”

  “Help yourself,” I was terribly hungry again and he knew what I was going to ask, “I’ll meet you there in a minute.”

  Chapter 10

  I thought Herrik was planning on bringing Artur to the kitchen with him after he answered the door. He said he would meet me there in a minute but it seemed to be taking much longer than that. I sat on one of the stools and ate the makeshift lunch I had prepared for myself and when I was nearly halfway through I thought I could hear their voices coming from the living room.

  I hadn't seen anyone other than Herrik for however long I had been staying in his apartment and I thought it would be nice to say hello to Artur. With that in mind I pushed my plate back and slipped down from the stool. Their voices grew louder as I neared and I could tell they were both quite agitated and angry with one another. I lost my happy expression and though I knew it was wrong crept closer and tried listening in on their conversation.

  I didn't hear much, though, I was too overcome by the idea that they were fighting and stood in the hallway silently watching them until Artur finally realized that I was there. His hands which had been flailing about expressively fell to his sides and his face lost the fierce expression it was wearing.

  "Emily," his voice was full of surprise, "I thought you were resting."

  Herrik looked just as surprised by the fact that I was standing there as Artur was. Not only that but he looked as though I was the last thing he wanted to see, or wanted Artur to see just then.

  I pointed down the hallway, "No, I was just having a bite to eat..." Herrik was looking at me imploringly and I felt like I had done something terribly wrong but couldn't possibly imagine what it was.

  "How are you feeling? You look...you look..." Artur turned his gaze towards Herrik and his voice took on an accusatory tone, "remarkable well," he turned back towards me.

  Herrik's eyes seemed to be pleading with me not to venture any more information than I absolutely had to, "I'm...I'm...better," I said hopeful that it would satisfy them both.

  "Hmm," Artur mumbled, "that's good...I'm glad you are up and around. I'll be sure to let Penny know. She's been very worried about you and anxious to know when you will be going home."

  "Soon," Herrik hastily spoke up.

  He was still looking at me. For a long moment none of us said anything. It was very uncomfortable, the three of us there. Everyone seemed to have a lot on their minds but very little to say. I decided it would be best for me to leave so that they could finish their conversation and hopefully resolve whatever differences they were having.

  "I guess I'll get back to my lunch. It was good to see you," I ventured to Artur and pivoted anxious to make my escape.

  When I was halfway down the hallway I heard their conversation resume. I was worried about Herrik and why he seemed so reluctant to have Artur see me so I tried listening again and heard much more than I would have wanted.

  "Good Lord Herrik! What have you done?" I heard Artur exclaim.

  "I had no choice," Herrik said defensively.

  "There is always a choice! First Penny and now this! Are you deliberately trying to undo all that we have done?"

  "It wasn't much. Just enough to..."

  "Just enough! And how did you determine this just enough? Hmm? What were you thinking, Herrik? Don't you...don't you realize what you've become and how dangerous it is for you to..." Artur paused unable or unwilling to finish the thought. "How many have you pledged? Dozens? More? Do you have any idea how much it's changed you; how powerful you've become? Just enough! A drop is too much never mind just enough! Did you ever stop to consider what it might have done to her?"

  "I had no choice," Herrik restated his only argument.

  "Damn it! Why didn't you send her home the day I told you I couldn't find the locket?! Letting her die would have been a better choice than what you could have done to her!"

  I gasped loudly and covered my mouth hoping neither had heard me. I started to run away but before I got more than a step or two Herrik seized my hand.

  "He didn't mean it! He didn't mean it! He would have done the same! He wouldn't have let you..."

  "No, no..." I suddenly knew what had happened and sobbed at the awareness, "It was him! H
e was the one looking for me!"

  "Not you, Emily," Herrik threw his arms around me and drew me close tucking my head under his chin. "He was trying to find Daemon's charm. No one can know about us, Emily. It's too dangerous for it to be lost. If it fell into the wrong hands..."

  "How could you?!" I cried out. "You knew! You knew I wasn’t in any danger and you kept me here! Why would you do this to me? After Daemon..." I hiccupped, "and all that you've put me through!”

  Herrik tried to answer but couldn't find any words to justify his actions. Artur came to his aid though. He slowly approached us and laid his hand on my back. "That is precisely why he did it..." he sighed, "isn't it? He couldn't let you go without a chance to make it up to you. And Herrik is right, I would have done the same. None of us would have let you die. What I said, I said out of anger and for no other reason. I'm sorry." Then, "Here, come, let me see."

  Herrik released me but took my hand in his as he turned me so I could face Artur, "Go ahead," he nodded when I looked up questioningly.

  I took a step towards Artur and he laid his palm against my forehead. "That's not quite what I expected...hmm...She knows. I see. Well, there's no help for it, now is there? You realize what this means for you...for you both?"

  Herrik nodded but I was thoroughly confused as I glanced from Herrik back to Artur.

  "Can you..."

  Instinctively I knew what he was going to ask and used Herrik's trick to hide my thoughts.

  "That's very good. Excellent," Artur said and pulled his hand away. "This will make you very vulnerable, you know that don't you?"

  "I'll do what I can," Herrik replied.

  "What do you mean?" I didn't like the ominous tone in Herrik's voice.

  Artur looked very grave but neither he nor Herrik would answer.

  "Emily why don't you go and finish your lunch."

  I reluctantly obeyed and found my way back to the kitchen. I was too keyed up to eat any more of the meal I had managed to scrape together and sat pushing the food on my plate around while I waited for Herrik. A few minutes went by and he came into the kitchen and took the seat beside me. He leaned his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands. I knew he was trying to think of a good way to say whatever it was he wanted to say.

  "There was no other way..." he began... "you were dying, Emily! I had no doubts! Three days - and you hadn't opened your eyes or changed positions or taken more than a sliver of a breath. You were so cold and no matter how many blankets I wrapped around you or how hard I tried to rub some life into you, you just wouldn't come back. Then you started shivering and shaking so badly and you kept calling out to me. You sounded so hopeless, so desperate!"

  "Three days!" I was dumbfounded by the idea. "It wasn't a dream then...you forced me...you made me..."

  "Yes! I had to! I had to help you! It was maddening and I couldn't let you...I had no choice," he searched my face hoping for understanding.

  "But it's done something to me, hasn't it? To us. It's done more than just kept me alive. That is how I knew Daemon was your son and why you and all the others are here."

  "Yes. I had hoped it would pass."

  "What?" I asked utterly confused.

  Herrik gingerly took my hand and for a very brief moment he opened his mind up to me. During the short span that passed I felt everything he was feeling, knew everything he was thinking. It was such a surreal experience seeing how complicated he was - so strong yet so compassionate, so intelligent and thoughtful, appreciative and giving. I saw all the things he loved and honored and how little his own problems were when compared to those of his friends and the people he cared about.

  It was warm and comforting and peaceful bound up in his all his thoughts until I came to one place that seemed set apart from all the others; walled in and dark and terrifying. When I came to it Herrik immediately closed back up startling me out of all the unfamiliar sensations he was sharing with me.

  "But I'm not sharing them with you."

  "What do you mean you're not? How else would I have seen so much?"

  Herrik raised his eyebrows as if to say that if I thought about it I would understand. I tried to imagine what he was implying but I was completely puzzled and couldn't seem to grasp the possibility of what he was suggesting. He saw the confusion in my eyes and smiled lightly.

  "I'm not sure exactly what it is either. You're not like me or any of the others, you wouldn't have been able to eat and drink like you've done if that were the case. But you are certainly changed Emily and to use Artur's phrasing it makes me vulnerable. If anything were to happen to you, Emily, it could mean the ruin of everything we have built here. Do you remember what I said when I told the council that you needed to stay, about what Daemon did to you?"

  "That it was forbidden," the word rang out ominously.

  "Yes."

  "And if anyone knew what you have done to me..."

  "Yes."

  "You have to fix this Herrik! I can't...I can't live like this! I'm not like you! I'm not like any of you! I don't want to be like you!"

  "I can't."

  "Why?"

  "It's complicated and as far as I know there's only one way it can be undone."

  "Oh, God!" I searched his eyes hoping to see whether I had guessed correctly but all I found was a sympathetic sadness that made me wish I was anywhere but there just then. "I'll never be able to leave now, will I? But there must be something...something you can do!" my voice was full of anger and accusation. Herrik shook his head.

  "Come," Herrik took my hand. "There's no one in the garden right now, let's walk and put all this aside for now. We can finish our talk later after we've had a chance to stretch our legs and ease our minds."

  "Ease our minds? How can you even suggest..." before I could finish my sentence Herrik reached out and brushed a lock of my hair behind my ear. His touch was so mesmerizing, so soothing. All my anger and resentment fell to the wayside then his hand found mine.

  The next thing I knew we were in the garden. We walked silently for nearly an hour before Herrik began leading us back towards the pond.

  "I'm sorry for the way things have turned out. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

  "I know." I glanced up sideways at him and when I met his eyes I couldn't find the will to look away. I tensed up and reflexively grabbed his leg, "No...please..." I suddenly realized what he intended to do. He couldn't undo what he had done but he could hide it, lock it away deep within my mind where it would all be forgotten.

  "You need to relax," he asserted, "or it will hurt."

  "Please," I begged as I felt Herrik take my hands and turn my palms over. He began running his thumbs back and forth across my wrists and slowly my worry and fear seemed to ebb away.

  "I'm so sorry," he whispered. He sounded very far away. I could barely hear him even though he was sitting right next to me. Then I felt little pinpricks behind my eyes and all the events and all the emotions tied to them began swimming around on the surface of my mind. They slowly got cloudy or misty for a moment and then it felt as though they were being sucked away. I briefly tried to hang onto them but as suddenly as they were there they were completely gone and I had no recollection of what had just happened.

  "Emily," someone was calling me. "Emily?"

  I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder nudging me awake and slowly opened my eyes.

  "Emily. What are you doing here?"

  "Herrik?" I sat up utterly confused.

  It seemed as though I had been curled up on one of the benches near the pond and had somehow fallen asleep there.

  "Are you alright?"

  "Uh...yes...I think so. I'm just..."

  "Exhausted it would seem," Herrik chuckled. "Here," he held his hand out to me, "let me take you back to your apartment."

  I gingerly grasped his fingers and for a moment just sat there utterly confused by what was happening. Glancing up I saw him looking down at me with a slight frown of worry creasing his brow. I felt like
I was seeing him for the first time.

  "Herrik?"

  "Yes, Emily."

  "I'm...I'm," I looked down at my feet. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. "I feel like...I feel strange."

  "Strange how?" Herrik sat down beside me.

  "I don't know. Ashamed. I guess I just want to apologize. I know I said some things."

  Herrik shook his head as if to say it wasn't necessary.

  "You've been so nice to me and I know I haven't deserved it."

  "Emily," Herrik started to interrupt me.

  "I know you were just trying to do what was best for me and my family. I'm sorry I've been so difficult and caused you so much trouble. I should be thankful," I looked away so he wouldn't see the tears in my eyes.

  "I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have kept so much from you. I should have told you why all of this was necessary."

  "I understand," I turned back. "I'm not sure how but I do!" I earnestly insisted.

  "I know," he sighed. We both sat quietly for a few moments and when the awkwardness finally started to subside Herrik spoke again, "So, back to this sleeping on a bench thing," he teased then grew serious again. "Do you need me to talk to Artur?"

  I wondered how he knew.

  "Penny may have mentioned something in passing."

  I took a deep breath, "I don't want to disappoint him."

  Herrik smiled, "I know what you mean. Everybody feels that way! Artur is...well, he just is isn't he? He'll understand, though, I promise. It's just too much especially after all you've been through."

  He sounded so confident and sure. I smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Herrik. Thank you for everything."

  Chapter 11

  It seemed sudden and strange but I started to feel a sense of normalcy creeping into my life. As Penny and I grew closer my homesickness began to abate. I continued to study with Artur and sparred with Avery or whoever was on-hand if Herrik happened to need him for something. I took care of my share of the domestic responsibilities around the apartment if Penny didn’t get to them first. She taught me how to cook and clean, to do my laundry and ironing; all of which I did without complaint because for whatever reason it all started to feel right. I even helped out in the common areas if there was time and I was needed.