Haeven

by S. M. Bowles

  “How do you feel?”

  “I…I…” and that was the last thing I remember.

  Chapter 9

  “Herrik?” I woke slowly, painfully. “Herrik?”

  He didn’t answer and when I managed to sit up so I could look around to find him I realized that I was somehow in the cabin again. It was utterly quiet. The fire had died down and the room had grown cold. When I looked out the window I noticed that it was still snowing and the sun was beginning to set which made the room look and feel darker than it actually was.

  I wondered what time it was and where Herrik could be. After what had happened I was sure he wouldn’t just leave me unless there was a very good reason for it.

  “What did happen anyway?” I tried to recall.

  The events came back to me one by one and I strung them all together as best I could until I found myself there lying on the couch.

  “Herrik,” I whispered nervously. “Where are you?”

  I slung my legs over the edge of the sofa and slowly stood up. It was too cold dressed as I was so I wrapped the heavy throw around my shoulders and began walking from room to room searching for him. I felt along the walls as I went hoping to find a light switch only to be disappointed.

  “Herrik?” I called out every few minutes. “Herrik?”

  As each room turned up empty I grew more and more fearful that I was completely alone. I finished my circuit of the cabin and when I was done and sure he wasn’t with me I was absolutely devastated. I ran to the front door and threw it open.

  “Herrik!!” I screamed into the emptiness beyond. “Herrik!!”

  The wind was the only answer I received. I ran out into the fading light determined to find him. My heart kept telling me he was there, that he was close and I knew I had to find him or...I didn’t want to think about the or.

  The snow was deep, up to my knees as I walked and at times I mistakenly stepped into drifts that were well above my waist. I lost the throw at some point and shivering and shaking got turned around trying to find it. The darkness had swallowed up what remained of the day and my fear increased exponentially when I realized that I didn’t know my way back to the cabin.

  “Oh, God!” I thought. “I’m going to die!”

  I tried hard to banish the thought but it persisted over and over again, “I’m going to die…I’m going to die…”

  “Herrik! HERRIK!”

  I knew I needed to keep moving and frantically threw myself forward thinking that if I stopped moving the cold would hurry me to that fate. I trudged for hours it seemed, hours and hours. Eventually my strength began to give way and when I called out my voice sounded like nothing more than a raspy whisper.

  “Just give in to the inevitable,” my mind suggested. “It will be just like falling asleep.” I had read it somewhere and wondered if indeed it was true – that freezing to death was just like falling asleep. “I’m so tired,” I thought. “So tired.”

  I made my way towards a massive evergreen with a trunk several feet wide. Its branches were low to the ground and so close together that they had kept most of the snow from settling around its base. It was dry underneath and when I moved around to the opposite side I had approached it from the tree completely blocked the wind.

  “This is nice,” I decided. “I’ll just rest here a while and once I catch my breath I’ll be able to go on.”

  I leaned back against the tree, pulled my knees into my chest and closed my eyes. Before long my teeth stopped chattering, the shaking and shivering that had been rattling me right through to my bones began to subside.

  It renewed my determination when I realized that my body had stopped protesting against the cold. “You see, that’s all you needed…some rest,” I told myself.

  I decided to go on and tried to stand up but I couldn’t feel my legs. I tried wiggling my toes but they wouldn’t obey me. I reached back and tried to claw my way up the tree trunk to standing but my fingers wouldn’t open or close and I couldn’t get a good enough grip to hoist myself up.

  “Oh, no. No…no…NO!”

  I started to cry, “I can’t move,” I sobbed. “It’s over; my life is all over.” I buried my face between my knees again and abandoned myself to the idea.

  Then the wind began to pick up again and I thought I heard a voice being carried on its gusts. I lifted my head full of hope.

  “Herrik?!” my heart leapt with joy.

  “Emily. EM-IL-Y!”

  I saw a light approaching, bobbing up and down, left and right as it moved towards me.

  “I’m here! I’m here!” I called out excitedly and prayed that he would hear me over the wind but I felt like it was sweeping my voice away into the opposite direction. The light changed course.

  “No…no…don’t go…don’t go…no…please. Please don’t go. I’m here. “Herrik!” I whimpered. It was useless. I was too weak to raise my voice above the wind. The light disappeared and with it all that was left of my will. I let out an anguished sob, I closed my eyes and let go. I never heard his footsteps as they hurried towards me. Never felt the pressure of his arms as they lifted me up. I didn’t feel the roughness of his stubble when he rested his cheek against mine. It was too late.

  “No,” he commanded, “you mustn’t believe that. It’s not too late…it’s not!”

  We were in the cabin again. He was building the fire. He was undressing me. I panicked, “No,” I muttered.

  “I’m sorry…you’re too wet…too cold.”

  He graciously looked away as he drew my shirt over my head and wrapped a heavy blanket around me. Once I was all bound up Herrik began rubbing my hands, my arms, my legs through the rough folds. My skin stung and itched, tingled against the pressure of his fingertips as he worked his way up and down my limbs.

  “Please Emily…please…”

  I started shivering again, convulsing uncontrollably. My teeth rattled so hard against one another I thought they would break.

  “NO!” Herrik leapt to his feet and shouted with fury. He slashed his wrist and wrested me upright. He forced my mouth open and thrust the angry wound against my lips.

  He tasted so sweet, so warm and in my delirium I wrapped my lips around the wide gash and drew deeply, longingly from him. He was awakening me, electrifying my insides and suddenly I realized what I was doing.

  “Don’t…want…to be…like you…” I spat his wrist out and choked out the words. Herrik flinched at the pain my statement had caused and fell to his knees in an agonized discovery of what he had done, what he had attempted to do.

  All my aches, all my suffering was forgotten when I looked at him. It was heart wrenching to watch such an emotional display. I clutched the blanket to my chest, slunk from the couch and squatted down in front of him.

  “Herrik. Oh, please don’t cry Herrik,” I cradled his head to my shoulder.

  “Emily?” he looked up. “Emily!” his eyes went wide with disbelief and a strange smile crept across his face. He threw his arms around me and lifted me off my feet. His lips found mine and he kissed me with a joyous, triumphant passion. It surprised me and smiling I closed my eyes and kissed him back.

  He looked embarrassed and ashamed when he pulled away and put me back down. I felt very much the same and turned my gaze towards the fire rather than face him but it was no longer there.

  “It’s…we’re…but I thought…” I felt a little faint and the room seemed to shift and sway before my eyes, “I’m…how did we get here?” I asked but never heard Herrik’s answer. He wasn’t there any more either and I really wasn’t sure whether he had ever been.

  I carefully lifted my head off the pillow and realized that I must have been dreaming. Nothing else made sense. I managed to ease one of my arms from beneath the sheets and ran my fingers over the covers just to be sure they were the ones I recalled from Herrik’s bed or if somehow I was somewhere other than his apartment which was the last place I remembered being.

  After reassuring myself that I was s
till in his bedroom I relaxed for a moment knowing that he must be somewhere nearby. I wondered what time it was and when he would be back. After all that had happened I was sure he wouldn’t leave me there alone for very long.

  “What did happen anyway?” I tried to recall but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t. “Oh, Herrik,” I whispered to myself. “Where are you and why do I feel so…so hollow?”

  I was terribly thirsty and awfully hungry. With a willful determination I pushed myself up to sitting. I trembled with the pain it caused and had to lean back against the headboard for several minutes before the aching subsided to a bearable level and I could try moving again. This time I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and buried my face in my hands breathing deep and slow.

  After a few moments I felt strong enough to try standing. The bed was raised on some sort of platform so my feet were still several inches off the floor when I tried touching it with the tips of my toes. It seemed like a very long drop and I wasn’t sure I could fall that far and still hold myself upright. My mouth was like sandpaper though and every breath I took seemed to scorch my throat so against my better judgment I decided to try to make it to the fridge or the nearest tap.

  I braced myself with my hands down behind me and scuttled across the edge of the mattress and cautiously let myself down. Once my feet were firmly planted I waited a long moment before I pushed myself to standing.

  “There,” I smiled, “it’s not so bad now that I’m up.”

  I thought about where I was going, where I needed to be and took my first step. The floor seemed to waver beneath my feet and my head protested with an agonizing pain. I knew I couldn’t go any further and reaching behind me flopped back down on the edge of the bed. I buried my face in my hands utterly defeated and tried catching my breath. I was gasping so loudly that I didn’t hear Herrik approaching and when he laid his hand on my shoulder I cried out in surprise and fear.

  “Ssh, Emily. Ssh, it’s me,” Herrik whispered and tucked me back beneath the covers. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke. Ssh, ssh.”

  “Where were you?” my voice full of relief.

  “Resting, Emily, just like you. Lie still…I’ll be right back.” I wanted to clutch at his hand and prevent him from leaving but he shook his head, “You need some water and some fruit…something to cool your throat.”

  I sighed in acceptance and listened to him leave. Minutes later he returned with a tray that he placed on the foot of the bed. Herrik eased me to sitting then tucked pillows all around me to hold me in place. Afterwards he fetched the tray and arranged it across my legs.

  “Here, drink first.” I gulped and dribbled, “Slowly,” he said, “not so fast Emily.”

  I sipped over and over again pausing between each mouthful until the glass was empty.

  “Better?” I nodded, “Eat some of the fruit and I’ll get you some more.”

  I popped a grape in my mouth and chewed then swallowed. I couldn’t ever remember tasting anything quite like it. I followed it with strawberries and kiwi and apple slices one after the other savoring their sweet, cool flavors. They were absolutely delicious and intensely satisfying for some reason.

  Herrik brought me another glass of water that I used to wash the fruit down in between bites. He sat on the edge of the bed and warily watched me eat. When I was done I smiled contentedly. Without a word Herrik stood up and after gathering the tray carried it away.

  It was much brighter by then and I guessed it must have been morning. I tried listening for the birds and the other morning sounds from the garden but Herrik’s bedroom was on the opposite side of the apartment from it. When he came back he turned on one of the lights then came and sat down on the edge of the bed again.

  I could see him clearly then and there was a great deal of worry in his expression. “What’s wrong, Herrik? What’s happened?”

  “I’m sorry Emily.”

  “Sorry for what?”

  Herrik cocked his head at me. He didn’t answer but looked at me curiously, “How are you feeling?”

  “I feel…well now that I’ve eaten…I feel amazing!” I beamed. Herrik seemed hesitant but he managed to smile back. “That means…it worked! It worked, didn’t it?!” I said though more like a statement than a question.

  “You could say that,” there was something Herrik was keeping from me but I was too excited and relieved to notice it.

  “I need to…I need to do something right now! Let’s walk in the garden!” I seized Herrik’s hand but only held it for a second. It was such a shock! I sucked in my breath and pulled back, “Oh, my! Why…why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Tell you what Emily?” Herrik’s voice was calm but his eyes darted over me nervously.

  “That Daemon is your son.”

  Herrik started to deny it, shook his head no. He looked away then back again.

  “Please don’t lie to me.” I had gotten over my initial surprise of the revelation and inched nearer to where he was still sitting on the edge of the bed.

  “I wanted you to trust me. I didn’t want you to be afraid…of me…or what I might have done to find out where he was.”

  “But I don’t know…I’ve never known.”

  “No, I know that, but you know more than you think.”

  I frowned unable to understand his meaning. He took my hand again and I was assaulted with images.

  "What's happening? What are you doing?" my voice squeaked. "No," I tried to shake myself free. "No, I don't want to know!" I insisted.

  "I don't think you have a choice."

  "Why?" I looked at Herrik imploringly.

  He wouldn't answer me.

  "What are you doing to me?!"

  Again he would not answer. Herrik let out a long, mournful breath. "I got married when I was 29. It was a terrible mistake. I didn't love my wife. I was just trying to do the right thing."

  "Please," I begged but it was too late. It was all there and there was nothing I could do to stop the onslaught. "She told you she was pregnant..." I whispered.

  “Yes,” Herrik was slowly running his thumb back and forth across my fingers and I watched entranced as it swept from left to right then back again. “She was pregnant with Daemon, with our son. I did my best while we were together; I tried to make the most of it. I worked hard and bought us a home and I tried…I tried so hard to care for her the way I knew I should. Sometimes…sometimes, though, it was just too overwhelming and I dreaded the end of the day when I would have to go home and face her. She knew; she must have known. Her eyes…they…they accused me, always seemed to be accusing me and I felt so…so…”

  “Contemptible.”

  “Yes, and loathsome and unworthy.”

  I shook my head, “Please Herrik,” I looked into his eyes, “You shouldn’t be telling me this.”

  “Oh, but I must! You’ve been afraid of me, of us, since the moment you first set foot here. I want you to understand who I am, who we are and what we’re trying to be.”

  He was so earnest and determined I just couldn’t refuse to hear whatever it was he had to say. I nodded and Herrik resumed speaking.

  “As my wife got further and further along in her pregnancy her emotions spun wildly out of control. I began avoiding her. I started coming home late; often after a long, lonely night of drinking. She slung masses of abuse at me; verbal and…and otherwise. She hated me but I was determined to be there…be there for my son; to be a father.”

  “Then one night, it was somewhere new, somewhere I…I hadn’t been before because I had dried up my welcome just about everywhere else. She…she approached me…a woman…unlike any other I had ever, ever dreamed of. Well, the drinks flowed and the laughter followed and when she offered to take me home…I said…”

  “No.”

  “I said no, no thank you…I have a wife…I’m married…I have a son on the way. “I know,” she said and I knew she knew…everything…my life…the life I was living…the life I so desperately wanted to g
ive up and no longer wanted to be a part of. “It’s just one night,” she cooed, “one night of pleasure for the hundreds of miserable ones you’ve endured. Come with me,” she said “and I promise you tomorrow when you wake you will be 10 times the man you ever wanted to be.”

  Herrik eyes were swimming with unshed tears.

  “I wasn’t myself and she…she was so…”

  “Persuasive.”

  “Yes.”

  Herrik released my hand; unwilling for the moment to tell me more.

  I wanted to comfort him, to tell him I understood and I did as well as I could from my youthful perspective. Several quiet minutes passed. He was looking straight ahead. I studied his profile utterly confused and unable to think of a single thing to say or do.

  “I died that night, Emily,” his words were barely audible, I wasn’t even sure if they were spoken or were just softly echoing in my mind. “And I have been dead ever since.”

  “You don’t really believe that do you?” I asked. “If you did you wouldn’t be here right now. None of this would be here,” I affirmed.

  “Only because of Artur. If he hadn’t found me. If it had been anyone else.”

  “You love him.”

  “Like a father. He has been like a father to me.”

  “He helped you. He taught you how to…how to…”

  Herrik took a deep breath, “How to live within certain boundaries. To take only what I needed and how to manipulate people’s thoughts so they would never know, never remember what had happened. He was nearly too late, though. After she changed me and I became what I am…10 times the man she said…but I wasn’t a man any more…I was a…a monster. I was insatiable from the very moment I woke and realized what she had done, what I had become. I was a…a killer…a powerful, remorseless demon.”

  “I couldn’t go home…I was no longer a husband, I couldn’t be a father…I wasn’t even…even human!” he choked the statement out. “I didn’t know what to do or where to go…I just kept killing and killing and pushing it all away.”