All For Anna

by Deese, Nicole

  Church was just church. Who cared where they went? However, my mother did not see it that way.

  To her it was a betrayal, an utter disgrace that her daughter, who had practically been born on one of those padded pews, could ever consider leaving. It was simply unimaginable. One would have thought that Stacie had started sacrificing animals to idols the way my mother had first reacted.

  But Jack and Stacie continued to rave about the ways they had grown during that first year at their mistress church. Stacie began serving in the community, at the poorest schools in Dallas, bringing meals to the teachers and working in after-school programs. They had spoken mostly, though, about the small groups they had been a part of. Words like accountability, acceptance, and encouragement were heard often. Although they had invited me many times, I was always too busy to attend. Besides, I had friends at my parent’s church.

  Where were those friends now?

  Nowhere.

  My mind was scattered, but my ears couldn’t help but hear Kai’s deep, strong voice next to me. I had been right; the humming I’d heard in his truck was just the tip of the iceberg. His voice was beautiful. Soon, I focused on it alone. The words flowed tenderly from his lips, and I wondered if he really believed the words he sang. I had never heard these songs before. They were different from what I remembered.

  The songs I had sung in an old ancient language, to an old ancient God, were a far cry from these.

  I looked to my left, all three people to my left were signing, eyes closed like in a prayer.

  The sight was bizarre. I had never seen them like this at church, and I had twenty-three years of history to think back on.

  What was happening here?

  I had often felt like the outsider when it came to my family. Mom and Stacie were a pair, and Dad was the hard-working entrepreneur. I had opted out of the family business to pursue nursing—a career choice that was foreign to them all. Even still, some things were foundational.

  Church and religion were two of those things.

  So your feelings can change, but theirs can’t?

  And there it was again, the voice that quickened my heart rate. It seemed to come from somewhere…within? Is my PTSD getting stronger?

  Wednesday was just a few days away.

  What would Dr. Crane think about these voices? Maybe I’m further gone than she thought. Maybe it was already too late for me? I shuddered at the thought. Envisioning a lifetime of voices talking in my head was hard to swallow, even for me.

  Kai seemed to sense my uneasiness and gave me a wayward glance. His brows were raised in question. I tried to smile; I failed miserably.

  Sorry Kai, but you’re standing next to a crazy girl.

  The music ended.

  Much to my relief, we were seated just after the extended meet-and-greet time was over. Stacie and Kai seemed to know many people around us, all of which were full of questions and kind remarks. To say I felt awkward was an understatement.

  There was a Sesame Street song that sang it best, “One of these things does not belong here…”

  Yeah, ya think?

  A middle-aged man who dressed like he was in college, wearing jeans and a polo, made his way to the stage. Kai leaned over to me and whispered his name, “Pastor Mark.”

  We are down to using first names in church? And wearing jeans? My grandmother is probably rolling over in her grave right about now...

  The sermon was titled, Our Need for a Savior. It wasn’t like I wanted to hear it, but as it turns out, it’s pretty hard to zone-out in a room that’s so largely focused on the one thing happening up front: the message. I sighed, trying to will myself to relax.

  Kai gave me a quick pat on the knee, while never taking his eyes off Pastor Mark. Stacie nudged me gently. Even out of the corner of my eye I could tell her smile was ridiculously huge. She had not asked me again about lake day, but by the looks of it, her optimism hadn’t died.

  “...How easily we grow weary in our pain and suffering, in our shame that imprisons us, in our need to control every circumstance we face. But all along, God has given us one answer to all of these dilemmas. He is the only One that can bring light to our darkness. We must recognize that our need for a Savior came before we even existed on this earth.”

  A warm sensation radiated through my chest.

  Geesh, this guy is good.

  Pastor Mark was a passionate man. He paced back and forth on the stage, but never pointed to the crowd with looks of condemnation. Instead, only kindness seemed to flow from the words he spoke.

  It was obvious he believed every word.

  Maybe I had heard this before…maybe, but if so, never like this. I was suddenly very envious of Stacie and Kai and their ability to simply believe. I wished I could be a person that needed church, a person that felt comfort from it the way they both seemed to.

  It dawned on me then, that maybe there was more to this whole faith thing. But just the idea alone was far too over-powering. I knew the ending before the question was even formed in my mind. Nothing ever could or ever would erase what had been done to Anna.

  My debt was a mountain I could not climb, and a bill I could never pay.

  FOURTEEN

  As soon as the last prayer ended, the room was in motion.

  I was acutely aware of Kai’s presence behind me. He gently touched my arm, and said my name. I turned to look at him, surprised again by the handsome face that stared back at me.

  “Can we talk for a minute?” Kai asked.

  “Right here?” I looked around at the crowded space. My parents and sister were very close in proximity to us. More importantly, they were all within earshot.

  “No, let’s go this way.”

  Kai led me through the crowd. Gently, he pressed his hand to the small of my back. My knees felt weak as I reminded myself how to walk. We exited through a side door that took us outside onto a patio. A few over-sized flower pots framed the doorway behind us. Kai dropped his hand as we stood to face each other.

  He stared at me for one long, uncomfortable minute. As usual, my heart rate quickened.

  “Tori...last night I did a lot of thinking about our time together at the lake. I went over our conversations…” he said, pausing to search my face.

  Okay...and realized what?

  That I’m not the girl you hoped I’d be? I could have told you that, pal.

  “I was trying to figure out where I had misread you—or worse, where I may have misled you.”

  Oh God…that is what he’s about to say. That he was wrong to ask me out, that it was a mistake.

  “That’s okay Kai, really. I get it. Can we just forget about everything? I need to go find Stacie, she’s my ride.”

  A wave of rejection crashed over me—fighting me as I desperately tried to take back control. I started toward the door, but his hand met mine first, pulling me away from it.

  “Tori, no,”—his tone was almost frantic—“that’s not what I’m trying to say.”

  He pushed back his thick black hair, ruffling a few stray pieces in the process. The familiar spasm in my stomach was back. I worked hard to ignore it.

  “Then what are you trying to say?” I asked impatiently, raising my voice.

  “That I like you. That I don’t know how or where the signals got crossed, but I’m not doing anyone a favor by wanting to spend time with you. If you don’t feel the same way I can deal with that, but I won’t let you think that I don’t have feelings for you. And I don’t mean feelings like a big brother,” he said, taking a step closer to me.

  Shocked at hearing him address the concerns of my inner-dialogue, I could do nothing but stare at him. I blinked, trying to make sense of his words.

  “Kai, I’m having a hard time understanding why, or how, you could be saying that to me. You only think you know me because of my family, and I’m not like them. I’ll never be a Stacie.”

  The words flew out of my mouth, in one rushed flow of consciousness.

 
Kai reached for my hand then, bringing it close to his chest. Instantly, I felt a calm wash over me. I had no explanation for why that was, but I knew I didn’t want him to let go of it, either.

  “Can you do me a favor, please?” he asked.

  I sighed, nodding as I stared at our hands.

  “Let me worry about the why’s and how’s, okay? You don’t need to question that. Those aren’t the questions I’m asking myself when I’m near you. But I can assure you, I don’t want you to be your sister, Tori. She’s great and all, but you’re...you’re something very special.”

  “Oh.”

  It was a stupid response, but no other words came. My voice was with the rest of me somewhere, somewhere floating further away from everything I knew to be real.

  He reached out for my face then, his thumb lightly tracing the edge of my scar. The moment was surreal. Every thought I had was put on hold as I concentrated on the warmth of his touch. He followed the raised, curved line as it trailed under my left cheekbone. My breathing faltered when his thumb neared my lips.

  He stared at me intently.

  The door behind me opened and slammed back against the wall, killing the magical moment completely.

  “Oh, there you two are! I was just about to leave you, Tori. We’re having lunch out at our folk’s place, you’re more than welcome to come, Kai,” Stacie said.

  Kai gently dropped our joined hands. He took a step back before answering her. “I’m sorry. I already have plans with my mom this afternoon for lunch. I’m helping her with some yard clean up, but I’d love to take a rain check,” Kai said, looking at me apologetically.

  “Okay. Well, I’ll see you in a minute then, Tori. I’ll head out to the parking lot and let Mom and Dad know I found you.”

  Kai turned back to me, his eyes mysterious and charming.

  “I’m bummed I can’t spend time with you and your family today. I start my forty-eight hour shift tonight...so my next opportunity to see you won’t be till Wednesday. What’s your schedule this week?”

  Dang.

  “I actually work a twelve on Wednesday, then I work the weekend shift with another possible shift or two in between,” I said.

  Irony was standing here with Kai, questioning if I really wanted those extra hours or not. I had just agreed to the compromise with Dr. Crane yesterday, but yet spending time with Kai seemed even more appealing than work. No one would be more surprised by that internal revelation than I was.

  “Hmm…well that poses a bit of a problem. It might be kinda hard for me to get to know you better if I can’t spend time with you?” He laughed, and then focused on me again, as if remembering something important. “Are you free Thursday evening by any chance?”

  “I think so. Why, what did you have in mind?” I looked at him suspiciously, unsure why he suddenly looked nervous.

  He hesitated.

  “There’s this work function, actually. I hadn’t decided if I was going to attend yet, but if you’d be willing to go with me…I’d be happy to take you,” Kai said.

  “What sort of work function?” I asked, mirroring his look of uncertainty.

  He laughed again and cleared his throat.

  “It’s an annual fundraiser for the firemen, EMTs, and paramedics of Collin, Denton, and Dallas counties. It’s a pretty formal dinner, but afterwards there’s dancing, karaoke and an auction. Most of my station will be there.”

  “And you weren’t sure if you were going?”

  “It’s uh...it’s not as fun to go solo,” he said.

  I couldn’t make sense of him. Here he was: smart, kind, funny, and gorgeous. Why would he not have a date? I would be willing to bet there was a line of women just waiting for Kai to notice them.

  “Hmm...that does sound like a predicament,” I said, torturing him a little longer. “I suppose I could work something out. I’ll just have to black-out Thursday evening on the on-call schedule. What time should I be ready?”

  Kai smiled, confidence returning in spades. We walked toward Stacie’s car where I’m sure she sat waiting for all the juicy details. Details she’d be sure to ask me the second my car door was closed.

  “Let’s say five? And, it is formal. I hope that’s okay?”

  “I do own more than scrubs, ya know.”

  My insides were flipping wildly with nerves at just the thought of dressing up for this event.

  “Great, I’m really looking forward to taking you, Tori. Can I call you this week?”

  I stared at him.

  What was happening to me?

  “I think I’d like that,” I said.

  “Well I know I’d like it,” he said smiling, “Until then, Tori.”

  Kai winked at me before walking away.

  Stacie looked like she might explode from excitement as I opened the car down and sat down inside. Her smile could have spread across the United States. It was embarrassing.

  “Just drive Stacie...I’ll tell you everything, I promise.”

  **********

  The way out to my parent’s house was like a high school slumber party. Stacie wanted every detail of my time spent with Kai. Though it was my nature to hold back information, I wasn’t sure I wanted to—not with this.

  I hadn’t felt happy in a very long time. I wanted to marinate in it, to allow it to saturate the sad and lonely places that had taken up residence in my heart. Happy was short-lived. It wouldn’t last, I knew that. But I would be a grateful host for however long it chose to stay.

  Good feelings were fleeting.

  “So what did he say after you told him to just forget about it?” Stacie asked. She practically dripped with curiosity.

  “He...he told me he liked me. He said I was special.” I blushed at the admittance.

  Did that really happen?

  Stacie squealed in delight.

  I told her then about the upcoming dinner on Thursday evening. She was beyond excited, immediately discussing plans for my attire. Apparently, she had that part under control. When she started describing the different fabrics and color options, I started to fade out, allowing today’s events to flood my mind instead.

  What am I even doing? The girl Kai thinks he knows is a fraud.

  If he knew my past…what would he really think of me?

  I pushed the depressing thoughts away and tried to focus on what was directly ahead: lunch with my parents. Unexpectedly, the mental picture of them at church flashed in my mind. What had been the cause for such a dramatic change in their church demeanor? And why had they really switched churches?

  “Stace?” I asked, interrupting some new rant about how beige pumps could make a woman’s legs look longer.

  “Yeah?”

  She shook her head slightly, as if coming out of a fashion-fog.

  “Why did Dad and Mom really change churches?”

  Stacie was quiet for a minute. She seemed to be thinking hard about her answer. While never one to beat around the bush, she always tried to be careful with how she worded things—especially the important things.

  “That’s a difficult question for me to answer, Sis. It would be better coming from them I think, but I can say that a lot has changed with them since you left. I’ve seen things in both of their lives that have been hard to watch...but ultimately, those things have grown them as people, and as parents.”

  Stacie’s voice was low and smooth. She concentrated on each word she spoke.

  “Grown? What do you mean?”

  “If you really want the truth...then I’ll tell you. It just might be hard for you to hear, and I want to be sensitive to that.”

  I nodded at her, but I was suddenly filled with dread. I didn’t think there could be anything more difficult left for me to hear in this life, but maybe I was wrong about that. I swallowed hard, waiting for her to go on.

  Stacie took a deep breath.

  “Tori, after you left I know I told you Dad and Mom were okay—that they understood after you had called them from Phoenix, but that
wasn’t the whole truth. I was afraid to tell you everything because you were already dealing with so much. I didn’t want to add to your suffering, so I tried to tread lightly.”

  I was surprised at how much she sounded like me.

  “When you left without saying goodbye, it was very painful for them. I saw them cry many times over that—over you. They even went to counseling, trying to process through how to deal with their loss.”

  How to deal with their loss? Was she joking?

  Anger rolled off me in droves.

  “I didn’t die Stacie, don’t exaggerate!”

  “You might as well have. They were beside themselves for weeks—months even. Their daughter had completely pushed them away while in the midst of a horrible tragedy, and they couldn’t help you! You wouldn’t even let them try,” she snapped.

  “They couldn’t help me! No one could help me! What were my options really, Stacie? Stay here and suffocate under all their pity? Force them to look at a daughter who overnight had traded a promising future for...the guilt of a child-killer? No way! I didn’t need that reminder from our mother—I live with it every single day!”

  Stacie drew in a sharp breath at my words. I had never allowed myself to be quite so honest. My internal thoughts as post-accident Tori were still too raw, too real. No one could understand them. Stacie pulled into my parent’s driveway a minute later, parking several yards away from their front door. Silently, she put her head on the steering wheel. For a second I thought she might be in real physical pain. I felt my hard expression soften as I thought about the baby.

  Is she having a cramp?

  Stacie lifted her head and looked at me, tears streaming down her perfectly made-up face. In a voice barely above a whisper, she spoke.

  “You can’t possibly think that, Tori. Please tell me you don’t really think you killed that little girl? All this time I thought you were angry because of the accident. Because it had altered your life plans, robbing you of the joy of some of your best accomplishments. I never, ever saw it as guilt though—until now. I...I don’t even know what to say to that."

  I sat quietly.

  I didn’t know what to say either. I wished I could rewind time and erase my last big blurt. But it had happened. Stacie now knew a portion of the shame that I had tried to keep hidden. I could no longer deny it.