The Perfect Sin

by The Blakk Dahlia

  As soon as the word “wife” came out, I was back in the kitchen with Sam, realizing that the sky wasn’t the only one hearing my confession.

  She slammed the refrigerator, then a beer bottle on the counter, and walked back over to me. My face refused to meet her judgment seeping through the air. I knew more questions brewed inside of her.

  “Wife!?!? He has a wife?!?!” she jerked me around to face her, “You’re seeing a man who has a wife?!?! C’mon now Jenn, you can’t get caught up in that.”

  “I know. I know. But it’s hard. I’m trying to stay away. We work together,” I lowered my head in shame, thinking of what to say to make her understand. “Technically, I’m not seeing him. He just pops up out of nowhere. Doing things for me. He’s the one who encouraged me to go back to school. Darren is an amazing man but he’s taken. Just my luck.”

  “Yea, some stroke of luck. No matter how this man makes you feel, he still goes home to a wife at night,” Sam scolded, lifting my head

  I snatched away from her and headed to the table. “AND a young daughter,” I added, swirling the wine glass.

  “DAMN! A kid too!?!? Girl, you can’t be in the home-wrecking business,” she chastised.

  My face arose with insults written all over it. She wasn’t trying to understand me at all. “I’m not trying to, Sam. But I can’t lie, it feels good to have a man catering to me for once. You know how it was with Kevin.”

  She showed a morsel of compassion by placing her arm around my shoulder. “I know Kevin hurt you but, you can’t fall into the arms of another woman’s husband.”

  “That’s true,” I sighed deeply, shaking my head. “I have to let it go.”

  A knock on the door broke up the “talk some sense into Jenn” moment.

  “I’ll get it,” Sam hurried to the door. “That’s probably Kass. And think about what I just said.”

  My eyes went back to the sky. Sam was right. I removed Darren’s business card from my pocket, ripped it up, and threw it away.

  “Haaaay! I’ve missed you!” Kassandra met me at the window. “What are you doing over here? Nothing exciting is going on in this uppity part of town.”

  “Hey! Was just in here thinking,” I gave her a tight hug, holding back the unannounced tears. “Sam, you have to fill me in on Jerry!”

  I had to pull it together for us to enjoy the girl’s weekend. We gathered in the living room for hours of drinks and “catch up” conversations. Around midnight, we left to run the town. I loved my friends, but often, Sam reminded me that it's best to keep my personal life private. Too many unwarranted ideas based on their experiences and personal views. However, Sam made good points, but I didn’t know if it was sound advice or just her way of keeping up an act.

  Samantha could be described as the level-headed, successful friend. She works hard and plays harder. After graduation, Cambridge became her new home to attend grad school at Harvard. Being a Florida native, she vowed to leave the small city of Fernandina Beach and never look back. She didn’t talk about her life before moving to Athens to attend college. Almost as if she was ashamed of something. Upon earning her Master’s Degree, she received a great job offer at General Electric in Boston.

  After graduation, Kassandra traveled a while to find herself. Departing from Atlanta took her to Amsterdam, Ireland, and a few other places in Europe. Refusing to go back to her hometown in Charlotte, North Carolina, and growing tired of Sam’s constant begging, she got a job at GE in Boston. I never thought Kassandra wanted to plant roots in Beantown, however, throughout college, she constantly caved into Sam’s neediness.

  A job opportunity was available for me in Boston as well, but I preferred to stay close to my family. Part of me regretted not moving with my girls to begin a new life. But, the death of my parents kept me close to my sister. She was all I had left of them and it was hard to leave that piece of me behind.

  Kassandra took us to her regular spot, full of dancing and more drinks. Three care-free women reliving their college days in a beautiful city. The right prescription to cure my Darren conundrum...or so I thought.

  While winding to 90s hit reggae tunes, I received a text from an unsaved number.

  Hope you’re having fun! It read.

  Immediately I knew who it was. My facial expression went against how I should have felt about the random after midnight message. The dancing came to an abrupt halt, and I blushed at him thinking of me that time of night.

  “Is that Darren?” Sam asked, looking over my shoulder.

  With my head in a slight tilt, I cut my eyes at her.

  “Who is Darren?” Kassandra added, joining in on the message lurking.

  I saved his number, then pulled the phone to my chest to hide the screen, with my face covered in a guilty smile.

  “I’m going to the bathroom.” I hurried away.

  While waiting in line for the ladies’ room, I messaged him back. If Sam hadn’t called me out, the tone would have been mischievously flirty. But as my fingers moved on the touch screen keypad, another type of message poured out.

  Jenn: Hey. I am. But we need to have a serious talk when I get back. I’ve figured you out and I don’t think it’s fair to me.

  I walked into the next available stall with a conquered feeling. The attitude promptly changed when he replied.

  Teddy Bear Eyes: Huh? What are you talking about, Jenn? What have you figured out about me?

  I didn’t know what to say. Frankly, I expected him to read my response in the morning. That’s what most guys do, wake up to a monologue or a phrase that radiates a hurricane of female feelings. But I wasn’t dealing with a typical man. Darren Calvin McCray was on the receiving end of the text.

  Why isn’t he cuddling with his wife on a Friday night? I thought, squatting over the toilet.

  Jenn: I can’t be your “relief” when things aren’t right at home. I’m not that type of girl.

  I replied then shut off my phone for the rest of the night. It was best to put the conversation on hold until the morning when I had time to think and less alcohol in my system.

  “Hey, Jenn!” Kassandra’s voice rang throughout the bathroom. “You okay?”

  “Yea. I’m coming out.” I finished in the stall, then headed to the sink.

  “Thought you were throwing up in there.” She aimlessly stumbled into the wall.

  “Looks like you’re going to be doing that by the end of the night.” I scrubbed my hands in the warm water running into the rusted sink. “What kind of place is this anyway?”

  She dropped her head to her shoulder like a broken doll and grinned. “A happy place!”

  “Jesus!” I replied, snatching paper towels from the dispenser.

  I hoped Sam was feeling just as good as Kassandra. That way, I wouldn’t have been forced to talk about Darren. If not, it was my duty as the newly appointed ‘bad influence’ to make it happen for my sake.

  “Shots at the bar?” I suggested with a devilish expression.

  She straightened herself up in the mirror, rubbing the running mascara from her eyes. “Let’s go!”

  The next morning, entailed a brutal hangover session. While getting Sam drunk, I overindulged as well. I guess one could say the plan both worked and backfired at the same time. Kassandra woke me up banging pans to make breakfast.

  “Morning!” she bellowed, watching me slump from the couch to the kitchen.

  My head pounded on beat with the pans; too weak to grab them from her to cease my agony.

  “Hey.” I yawned. “How are you up so early?”

  “I do this on the regular,” she replied as if she hadn't been passed out hours before in the Uber on the way home.

  “I see.”

  She tiptoed to reach a bottle of pain meds from the top of the fridge then shook them profusely at me. “You need a couple of these and breakfast made with love, then you should be in tip-top shape.”

  I held her hand to end the rattling which felt like a building crumbling in my e
ars. “Thanks.”

  I sat at the stool next to the counter, downing the pain meds with bottled water.

  “Last night while you were in the bathroom, Sam filled me in on your MAN,” Kassandra teased.

  I rubbed my throbbing head which included a new pain brought on by the information she shared. “Oh, Lord! What did she tell you?”

  “No much,” she laughed, whipping eggs in a plastic bowl.

  I threw the empty water bottle to her feet. “What is not much?”

  “Hey, I’m trying to make you a good meal with love over here!” she placed the spoon in the bowl and set it aside to whisper to me, “Just that you were infatuated with a married man who does nice things for you. Look, Samantha can judge all she wants but I’ve been with a married man before. I understand what you’re feeling.”

  All of a sudden, the pounding in my head settled. I gained an ally and someone who at least understood first hand. I didn’t ask for those feelings, nor any of the things Darren did for me. I wanted to let it go, but I couldn’t. I had to know how she dealt with it to help me get control over the situation.

  “So, what happened?”

  My question left a trace of sadness in her eyes. She picked up the bowl and poured eggs into the sizzling frying pan full of melted butter.

  “He ended things. It hurt like hell,” Kassandra replied, with her eyes locked on the stovetop.

  “I’m sorry Kass,” I said with compassion. “How long ago was it?”

  She ignored me for a short while to concentrate on scrambling eggs. But I knew better, Kassandra could whip up breakfast in her sleep, that was her specialty. Cooking was her way of keeping unresolved emotions restrained.

  “Look, if this man makes you feel good, then go with it,” she replied with confidence. “Just don’t put your heart into it. Men like that tend to reach out to us single girls to help them feel like a man and get what they’re lacking at home. But once that’s over, and they realize they love their wives...It’s done. Happens every time and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

  I was hoping she had a happier ending to share. It was obvious to me that they didn’t end up together because Kassandra was single at the time. But I needed a better ending. Not one where he left because he wanted his family back. I never thought about that scenario. That scenario was a double heartbreak. Dealing with the constant guilt of being reduced to an after-thought, a side-piece, and a weekend lover; just to be dumped in the end.

  “How did you get yourself to stop thinking about him?” I asked, assuming she’d at least triumphed in that area.

  Kassandra looked down at the frying pan as if she didn’t have the answer. Like she was still thinking of the former wedded lover whom she couldn’t stop thinking of.

  She took a deep breath then answered. “Getting emotionally involved is not the way to go, Jenn.”

  The response advised that she wasn’t over it, and warned of a great chance that I’d end up like her if I didn’t regulate my feelings.

  “Thanks for not judging me. I know what I have to do.”

  Her eyes finally met me as she turned off the stove. “And what is that?”

  “Leave it alone,” I confessed.

  After breakfast and a quick shopping trip, Sam served as my tour guide through her new neighborhood. We then retired back at her place and ordered in. One night of partying was all I could take. Throughout the day, my body reminded me that I was getting too old for back to back outings.

  “Bring on the wine!” Kassandra shouted to Sam from the living room.

  “Where did this champagne come from?” Sam asked, emerging from the kitchen with a bottle in her hand.

  They both looked to me as if they knew I was the guilty culprit.

  “I brought it,” I laughed nervously, refusing to admit that it was a gift from Darren.

  Kassandra, noticing the label, rushed over and snatched the bottle from Sam. “Dom Perignon, damn girl! This is well over a hundred dollars a bottle. Didn’t know you loved us that much!”

  Sam wasn’t buying it. She sat across from me on the love seat, opening a can of cashews with a suspicious look.

  “What?” I played as though I didn’t know what her change in demeanor was about.

  “Almost two-hundred in most places, Kass,” she shook the can at me. “Nuts?”

  “No, Kassandra are you going to open it or play the price is right?” I shouted to my friend admiring the champagne.

  “That job must be paying you pretty well, Jenn. Either that or it’s a gift from your friend. You want to talk about that message he sent you last night?” Sam pried, sitting back in the love seat.

  “Why do you do that?” I stood up and took the bottle from Kassandra. “I’ll open the damn thing myself.”

  “What’s wrong with her?” Kassandra asked.

  “She’s hiding an affair from us,” Sam replied in a smug tone. “Maybe you should tell her about what Tony did to you. Remember, that married man from Chicago?”

  I ignored the rest of their banter and popped open the bottle. The cork flying and hitting the table ceased their conversation about my personal life. I poured three glasses and brought them into the living room.

  “I’m not talking about this,” I handed Sam the first glass, “Especially with your judgment.”

  “Judgement,” Sam scoffed. “I’m trying to talk some sense into you. Dealing with a man who wears a ring and has a family isn’t going to end well.”

  “Okay Sam, I’m doomed, headed down a path full of danger,” I fussed. “If girls’ night in is going to be about coming down on me, I’ll just go out by myself.”

  I set the glasses down on the table, then headed to Sam’s room to find a change of clothes.

  “Hey, you don’t have to do that, Jenn,” Kassandra followed. “You know how she is, just let Sam talk.”

  “I don’t want to hear it. I’m already dealing with enough. You don’t think I feel guilty?”

  “Look, I know what you’re going through,” she consoled me.

  “I’m not sitting in that living room with her bull shit,” I pointed with a firm tone.

  “I’ll tell Sam to chill, and we’ll have a great girl’s night. Trust me,” Kassandra begged.

  “Okay.” I gave in quickly because I honestly didn’t feel up to leaving the condo.

  We walked back in the living room to Sam searching for movies. Kassandra came through with her promise of keeping our friend from talking about Darren. The remainder of the night consumed of chick flicks, champagne, wine, and good laughs. Despite the minor hiccups, the weekend with my best friends reminded me of how much I missed having them around. However, my life was in Atlanta. And unfortunately, so was Mr. Teddy Bear Eyes.

  He never responded to the message I sent while at the club. It didn’t bother me because I wasn’t ready for that conversation. I was relieved he understood what I said, with no further explanation. Honestly, I wasn’t too sure if I was ready to end our friendship, so the time away from speaking to one another was much needed.

  The plane ride back was dreadful. Turbulence and what seemed to have been the longest landing shook my nerves. I arrived home in an Uber and threw my bag in the corner of the bedroom. To prepare myself for work the next day, I went straight to bed. However, I couldn’t get to sleep right away. Part of me wanted to text Darren to let him know that I made it back safely. However, judging by the none response from my last message, there was a slight chance he wasn’t too happy with me.

  Chapter 7: Slipping into Sin

  I laid in the dark, then closed my eyes to drift off into dreamland. Eventually, sleep came, but only for a brief moment. Bedtime felt like a 30-minute nap because the phone alarm went off at 7:25 am. I looked down to press the snooze button on my phone and found a missed text from Darren.

  Teddy Bear Eyes: Hey! I just wanted to check on you. Hope you made it back safely. Let’s talk soon.

  The message came in at 1:45 in the morning. Why wasn’t
he snuggled up with his wife at that time? Hmmm. I smiled at the message through my sleepy haze and replied.

  Jenn: Morning. I’m safe. Came home and went straight to bed. Whenever you’re free to talk, let me know.

  With the snooze button activated, I took a short nap before work. The smile displayed because of Darren’s message followed me to the pillow. The next time I woke up was 9 am and I was an hour late. I stared at the phone frantically, wondering what happened to the snooze alarm. I wasn’t prepared to go into work. I had too much on my mind to deal with Miss Alice, Michael, and possibly running into Darren.

  I jumped out of bed and emailed Kelly, letting her know that I was too sick to come in and apologized for not emailing earlier. She understood and told me to get well soon. I wouldn’t dare email Michael, as his coldness would have rendered a not so understanding response. I got back into my covers to go back to sleep.

  Around noon, the ringing phone woke me up. Without looking at it, I answered.

  “Hello,” I spoke in a soft raspy voice.

  “Are you okay?” The deep sexy voice asked.

  “I’m fine, just lying in bed. Wh-who is this?” I rolled over, facing the wall.

  “Darren.”

  At first, the weariness didn’t allow me to recognize the voice, but I became attentive as soon as he spoke his name.

  “H-hey Darren. What’s up?” I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes.

  “Are you sick?” he asked, exuding great concern in his voice.

  “Not really. I called...well emailed out today.” I threw the covers off me and moved to the edge of the bed. “I needed more sleep. The plane ride was exhausting.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. I messaged you at work and didn’t hear anything. I went by your desk and Miss Alice said you were out.”

  “Miss Alice!” I shouted. “Why did you go by my desk?”

  “Sorry, I was just checking on you,” he replied in an innocent voice. “What’s wrong with Miss Alice?”

  “You KNOW she’s nosy as hell. I don’t need her jumping to conclusions.”

  Darren fell silent. I heard his heavy sighs, which hinted that he was thinking of what to say.