Sense of Place

by N. R. Walker

  I walked over to the reception desk, where there was a wrapped box and a bouquet of a dozen red roses. “Are these for me?”

  Lionel nodded. “I think someone misses you.”

  My eyes darted to the doorman’s. “Is there a card?”

  “Of course,” Lionel answered, handing me a small white envelope. “But Mr Jones phoned ahead. He wanted to make sure it arrived. He said to say he’ll be late again, and thank you for understanding.”

  I grinned so hard it was ridiculous, thanked Lionel and took my gifts and went upstairs.

  I opened the card first.

  Saw this. It reminded me of you, of where it all began.

  I ripped open the wrapping on the box, confused at first at what I saw. Then I burst out laughing and my heart warmed in my chest.

  Of all the things it could have been, it was a box of fucking Lego.

  Of where it all began…

  The Architecture Lego of the Sydney Opera House.

  Where we’d gone together, where we’d first made love, where I’d first realised the lines had blurred, where I’d been falling in love with him.

  Where it all began.

  Chapter Five

  When Cooper got home, it was almost midnight. I was sitting on the sofa with the coffee table in front of me, music playing softly. I’d drunk a bottle of wine and had almost finished the Sydney Opera House.

  He set his satchel down at the door, looked at the empty bottle of wine, then at the Lego masterpiece and finally he looked at me.

  “Having fun?”

  I chuckled at the look of disbelief on his face. “Actually, I am.” Then I added, “But if you tell anyone, I’ll deny it.”

  He fell onto the sofa beside me with a sigh and kissed me soundly.

  “You’re up late.”

  “Someone gave me Lego.”

  Cooper laughed. “And flowers, I hope.” He looked around the apartment and found the vase full of roses on the middle of the dining table.

  When he turned back to me, just about to speak, I slid my hand along his jaw, leaned in and kissed him. “Thank you. No one has ever bought me flowers before.”

  His eyes widened. “No one?”

  “No one, ever.”

  Cooper smiled proudly, but then his brow furrowed. “What about Lego? Has anyone ever bought you Lego?”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle at him. “I had wooden blocks as a kid. No Lego.”

  Cooper leant back into the sofa and pulled his tie off. He was exhausted. “I saw it, and thought of you,” he said, smiling tiredly. “Going to Sydney was like the beginning of us, wasn’t it?”

  “It was,” I agreed. I looked back at the almost-completed Lego Opera House. “What other Lego buildings did they have?”

  Cooper had to think. “Um, Seattle space needle, Empire State, Eiffel Tower…”

  “We should get them all,” I suggested. “Then we can go see the real thing.”

  He raised one eyebrow at me. “The Eiffel Tower?”

  “Absolutely,” I said, squeezing his knee. “There is so much I’d love to show you in Paris…actually, there’s a lot of Europe I’d love to show you.”

  Cooper leaned his head on the back of the sofa and smiled warmly at me. “I would love that.”

  “You’re so tired,” I stated the obvious. “Come on, let’s get you into bed.” I pulled him to his feet, and while I turned off lights, he walked down the hall, stripping off his shirt and vest as he went. He dropped them where he was. I picked them up as I followed him, then his crumpled suit pants off the bedroom floor.

  He was crawling into bed, wearing only his briefs. “Are we leaving after work tomorrow to head up to the Hamptons?”

  “Yeah, if you want.”

  He nodded. “Looking forward to it,” he said with a yawn.

  “How was Xavier?”

  Cooper groaned. “I don’t want to talk about him. He’s a sleaze.”

  I got into bed and pulled up the covers. “Has he hit on you again?”

  “All the time,” Cooper mumbled, almost asleep. “But I’m not privileged. He’s like it with everyone.”

  I leaned over and kissed his closed eyelid. “Go to sleep, sweetheart. Thank you again for my gifts.”

  “Welcome,” he mumbled, and his lip curled up in a tired smile.

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  “’Cause I’m awesome,” came his mumbled response. His hand reached for mine, he threaded our fingers and brought our hands to his chest. His breathing evened out, and he fell into sleep.

  * * * *

  Cooper brought so much work with us when we went up to the Casa, I wondered if it was even worth the break away.

  It also reminded me of what Sofia had put up with for years. I’d worked so much when I was Cooper’s age, and for the twenty years after. I’d taken work with me when we vacationed, on weekends and nights out.

  I didn’t begrudge Cooper for the workload. I didn’t envy him either. But it was something I understood.

  I carried in the overnight bag of clothes and dropped it at the foot of the stairs, while Cooper unloaded his satchel, laptop and briefcase onto the dining table.

  It was ten in the morning, but Cooper hadn’t eaten before we’d left. He’d barely woken up. “Are you hungry?” I asked him. “If you want, I’ll make you something to eat while you have a swim to wake yourself up?”

  Cooper smiled. “You just like to see me wet.”

  “True.”

  “Will you join me?”

  “Maybe later,” I said. “I want you to relax first. You’ve been working so hard. Relax first, work later.”

  “You relax me,” he said, smirking at me. “You, wet, in the pool, with me. That would relax me.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m sure it would.”

  But then his eyebrows pinched, and he said, “We didn’t bring any food. We can’t eat Sofia’s food, that’d be rude.”

  “I organised a grocery delivery yesterday. Sofia was here when it arrived.”

  Cooper walked over and pecked my lips with his. “You think of everything.”

  I smiled, but then I admitted, “Well, Jennifer asked if I wanted to have food delivered. She knew we were coming up here for the weekend, and thought it was a good idea. She organised it.”

  “Remind me to thank Jennifer,” Cooper said with a smile.

  “She likes you,” I told him.

  “Of course she does,” he said. Then he took a fistful of my shirt and led me to the back doors, towards the pool. “Come on, old man, you’re coming with me to get wet.”

  I tried to protest. “I’m not wearing swimming trunks.”

  Cooper laughed, opened the door and pulled me outside. “You won’t need them.”

  * * * *

  After we were both wet, and relaxed, we got dried and dressed and Cooper suggested a walk on the beach before an early lunch.

  He seemed to be a little quiet, which I presumed was from being tired, so I never questioned it. I just held his hand as we walked, and was more resolved to make sure he had a relaxing weekend away.

  The afternoon got cool, and Cooper started to organise his workspace on the large dining table. Sofia had left the two items from my father on the dining table, so I told Cooper I’d put them in the car so he had more room.

  Cooper ran his hand over the telescope. “It’s beautiful, Tom.”

  “It is,” I agreed. “It was nice of Sofia to give it back to me. I didn’t think of taking it when we split. She got the house and everything in it, and by the time it all went through, I just wanted to move on, you know?”

  Cooper nodded thoughtfully. “Where will you put it?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “Somewhere in the apartment, or I’ll store it, or give it to Ryan.”

  “Do you play chess?” he asked, eyeing the wooden board.

  “Not for a long time.”

  “You’ll have to teach me how to play one day.”

 
; “I’d love that,” I said, a warm smile spread across my face. “Not this weekend, though. You have enough work to keep you busy.”

  I took the telescope and the chessboard and loaded them into the trunk of the car, and when I came back inside, Cooper was leaning against the door frame looking at me.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  He smiled warmly. “I am. Are you?”

  “Of course,” I answered. I leaned in and kissed him. We turned and as we walked through the foyer into the living room, I noticed Cooper was looking around. He didn’t look his usual comfortable, confident self.

  I stopped and faced him. “What’s bothering you?” I asked outright. “I mean, about this place? Since we got here, you’ve been quiet. I thought you were just tired, but now I’m not sure.”

  Cooper shrugged and spoke to the floor. “I don’t know…it’s a bit silly, actually.”

  “What is it?”

  “Just that you designed this house. This is yours. For Sofia.”

  I knew something had been bothering him. “And Ryan,” I corrected. “And for me. This holiday house was for me too.”

  “But it’s not anymore.”

  “No, and you know what?” I asked rhetorically. “I don’t regret it. Sure, I loved this house. I loved the fact that I could design something for my family. But I’m happy Sofia has it. I’m happy she wanted to keep it and not sell it to some stranger. I know you don’t really like that I have a history with Sofia, but I do. And I can’t change it. But, Cooper, please understand, I’d give up this house a hundred times over if it means I get to keep my life as it is now. It’s kind of perfect.”

  He smiled at me. “That’s because I’m in it.”

  I rolled my eyes at his way of making everything about him. Even if it was.

  “It’s funny,” he said thoughtfully. “I mean, I can see how, fifteen years ago, this was the perfect holiday home for a family. I can see that. But it’s big, and I don’t know…” He trailed off. “But what bothers me is that this house,” he said with a sigh, “this house isn’t the Tom I know.”

  “The house isn’t me?”

  He shook his head, looking around the room. “No, I don’t know this Tom.”

  “You mean you didn’t know me fifteen years ago when I designed it?”

  “Yeah, I’m probably not explaining it right,” he said. “It’s just not what I would see you in now, if you designed something to suit your life as it is now. The Tom that I know.”

  “What do you think I would design?”

  “Something smaller. Earthier. With more wood and stone. Something more rustic, not the vast open spaces this place has. More cabin-like, with a fire and a small marble kitchen. I just see you in something more honest and genuine, no pretences.”

  I smiled and shook my head slowly. “You read me so well.”

  “I know you,” he said simply. “And there would be a room like a study or an attic, with a wall of glass or dormer windows for the telescope, and a drawing board where you would get lost for hours.”

  “Well that’s where you’re wrong,” I said softly.

  He tilted his head and raised one eyebrow in question.

  “There would be two drawing boards.”

  Cooper smiled and ducked his head, almost shyly. “Yes, there would.”

  I walked over to him and kissed him. “It still amazes me how much you see the real me.”

  He exhaled contentedly. “I am kind of awesome like that.”

  “Yes, you are,” I said, before kissing him again. “Why don’t you get some work done while I work my culinary magic in the kitchen.”

  Cooper raised a sarcastic eyebrow at me. “Culinary magic?”

  “Oh, shut up,” I grumbled. “I suck at cooking and you know it.”

  He got a glazed, dreamy look on his face and after a while, he said, “I’m sorry, you mentioned sucking and I got distracted. I didn’t hear a word after that.” I rolled my eyes and walked into the kitchen, but he called out, “Your cooking is fine, Tom. But your sucking skills are your true talent.”

  I ignored his comment, and set about getting a dinner ready while Cooper got lost in his paperwork and laptop. As I chopped and diced, I thought about what Cooper had said.

  It made total sense. Then again, most of what he said did.

  This house, the Casa, was big, purpose-built for a family. Large open spaces, and maybe there was a detached feeling to that, which Cooper had picked up on. Maybe there was a detached feeling to the man who had designed it, all those years ago.

  I loved how he said this house wasn’t the Tom he knew.

  I loved how he could identify the architect with a building, but then differentiate them as well.

  He knew me so damn well. We’d not even been together a year, and yet he knew things about me I didn’t even know.

  “You’d better be thinking of me when you smile like that,” Cooper said, now standing beside me.

  I hadn’t heard him come into the kitchen. I bumped his hip with mine. “Of course I’m thinking about you.”

  “Then why aren’t you hard?” he asked, looking pointedly at my crotch. Before I could say anything, he said, “They have pills now, for old guys who can’t get hard.”

  I pointed a carrot at him. “I can get hard just fine,” I said. “You know that damn well…unless you need reminding?”

  Cooper leant forward and bit the end off the carrot. He grinned and waggled his eyebrows, as if he was daring me. “I think I might need reminding.” He chewed the mouthful of carrot and swallowed. “But dinner first. I’m starving.”

  We ate dinner, then Cooper went back to work while I cleaned up and by the time I fell onto the sofa, Cooper shut down his laptop and shuffled in beside me. We watched some TV and even though I finally got him to relax and have some downtime, I could tell he wasn’t too comfortable in the Casa.

  Not that he was uncomfortable, just not his usual vibrant self. I think it was because it reminded him that I’d had a life before him. I’d shared this house, the bedroom upstairs, with Sofia…

  “Oh, Jesus,” I groaned. “I shouldn’t have brought you here.”

  Cooper sat up and stared at me, confusion clear on his face. “What? Why not?” His voice was quiet and worried. Oh, God. He thought I didn’t want him here.

  “No, I didn’t mean it like that,” I said quickly, taking his hand. “I just meant that I don’t want to be in this house. You were right. I don’t like what it represents, my life with Sofia, and I shouldn’t have expected you to stay here.”

  “Tom…”

  I shook my head. “I didn’t even think of it like that, until just now. I didn’t mean to bring you to a place that reminds you of me with someone else.”

  “Tom?”

  “Come on,” I said, standing up. “We’ll find a hotel, or just drive back to the city.”

  “Tom!” Cooper said, louder this time. He pulled on my hand, pulling me back onto the sofa beside him. “It’s fine. We don’t have to leave.” Then he leaned up and swung one leg over me, so he was straddling me. He pushed me back into the backrest of the sofa, and looked down at me. He softly planted his lips on mine. “But maybe you needed to come here one more time, so when we leave tomorrow it will be like a final goodbye…to this part of your life.”

  “It will be, yes,” I whispered. I leaned up and kissed him. “It’s kind of fitting that you’re here with me, actually.”

  He smiled and nodded. “So we don’t have to leave?”

  I shook my head slowly. “If you want to stay, we’ll stay.”

  “Good. I want you to take me to bed. Last time we were here, we didn’t really get to christen the bed. I was too drunk at Ryan’s party, if I remember correctly,” he said. His eyes sparked with mischief. “So I think we better do it twice tonight to make up for it.”

  “Is that so?”

  Cooper nodded. Then he was serious. “Thank you for thinking of me,” he said. He pecked my lips with his own. �
�I’m lucky to have you.”

  “I was just thinking the same thing.”

  “Take me upstairs, Tom,” he said. “I don’t think Sofia would appreciate stains on her sofa.”

  I did as he’d asked, of course. Then he did the same to me.

  * * * *

  The next morning, we took a long walk on the beach. It was getting cool, and Cooper tucked himself into my side as we walked. He talked of the project he was working on with Xavier and how the job was moving along nicely. He seemed content to just talk, and I could listen to him forever.

  He was even okay when I called in quickly to see my mom. He walked in, smiled as he said hello and politely accepted the offer of coffee. Mom was doing okay—she missed Dad terribly and said she always would, but I wanted to check in on her, considering we weren’t too far away.

  My mom was pleasant enough, she wouldn’t ever be rude to Cooper, but she also didn’t acknowledge our relationship. I doubted she probably ever would. But she knew I was gay, she knew I was with him, she simply chose to not talk about it. And that was okay.

  When we’d said goodbye and were on our way back to the city, Cooper sighed contentedly. “You know, I think your mom is starting to warm to me.”

  “How so?”

  “She offered me coffee,” he said with a smile. “She doesn’t have to start any new PFLAG chapters or anything, but she smiled when she saw you, and she offered me coffee. That’s pretty lucky.”

  I took his hand over the centre console. “I was just thinking the same thing. She’ll probably never say the word ‘gay’ or ‘boyfriend’, but as long as she smiles and offers us coffee, then we’re good.”

  Then right on cue, Cooper’s cellphone rang. He checked the screen before answering. “Mom?”

  I watched the road, but I could hear his mother’s voice through the phone.

  “Um, two weeks?” Cooper said. “Hang on, I’ll check.” He put the phone against his chest so his mom couldn’t hear. “Mom wants to come to New York in two weeks, just for the weekend. Is that okay?”

  “Of course it is, you don’t need to ask me,” I said.

  Cooper smiled, and lifted the phone back to his ear. “Sure, Mom. Weekend after next would be great.”