by Sarah Bailey
“Will you stay… and talk with me?”
Chapter 15
Why Ash wanted me to stay with her was a question I couldn’t ask. Her earnest expression made me hesitate from flat out saying no. Would it be so bad? My emotions were all over the place after my idiotic argument with Xav and the new feelings Ash had brought to the forefront. Unwanted feelings I could no longer bury or hide. So I wasn’t entirely sure this was a good idea.
“If that’s what you want…”
I questioned myself when I sat down and leant my back against the bathtub without waiting for her answer. There was a beat of silence between us until I heard the water shift above me.
“I feel like the only things I know about you is stuff I’ve learnt from Xav.”
I flinched at the mention of him. The ache in my chest expanded. We would make up like we always did, but something about this felt different. I’d lashed out because I was so fucked up over my own inability to stop wanting him and then there was Ash… so young and yet resilient. She’d been through enough shit to last a lifetime and yet she’d stuck around and put up with the four of us. She wanted to stay here according to Quinn. Though I could hardly blame her considering what her father expected of her. It still didn’t make sense to me why a girl like her would want to be around us. We weren’t exactly men of the year or anything.
“What has he told you?”
“Not much…”
“Now you have me curious.”
What would Xav reveal about me? There could be numerous things.
“He said you don’t see gender… just people.”
I looked up, finding her peering down at me over the lip of the bath.
“It’s called pansexual if you really want a term for it, but he’s right.”
I wondered why he’d told her about that, it seemed a weird thing to say about me considering I never often bothered with identity labels. They seemed so restrictive. I was me and that didn’t require any other identifier.
“Am I correct in thinking you’re attracted to who a person is inside?”
I smiled.
“Yes, mostly, but I still need that physical attraction to go along with it.”
She looked thoughtful for a long moment.
“Okay… tell me something else.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything you’re willing to share.”
The light in her eyes betrayed her curiosity. She wasn’t asking for any big revelations or being invasive. It surprised me, but then again, Ash wasn’t like anyone else I’d ever met. Her resilience in the face of so much chaos made her all the more enticing. She had so many facets to her personality and I wanted to explore them all. It’d been a long time since I wanted to dig deep into someone’s soul.
“How about we do a question for a question?”
“But I don’t know what to ask you.”
“I’m sure you can think of something.”
She nibbled her bottom lip. I stared at it, unable to help myself. The urge to kiss her was disconcerting. The deep searing need kept growing. I reminded myself I couldn’t feel this way about her, but it was no use. I did and it was up to me to deal with it.
“I hope this isn’t prying if I ask if you have any family outside of the boys?”
“I do…” Should I be honest with her about them or not? “Both of my parents are still alive and I have three older sisters. I just don’t see any of them.”
A small furrow appeared between her brow, but she didn’t speak. After a moment she waved her hand and I remembered I was meant to be asking her something in return.
“Why do you want to stay with us?”
I hadn’t meant to ask something so direct or personal straight away. It just came out. Ash sat back so I couldn’t see her any longer and I dropped my chin to my chest, wondering if I’d taken it too far.
“I’m freer here than I ever was with Papa. I can be myself and not the version of me he wanted. Even when I lived with Nate, I still had to portray a certain image. It’s exhausting being someone you’re not all the time. And I like the four of you, even if that’s hard to understand.”
My chest tightened at her words. Having to live a lie your entire life could be draining. It’s how I’d felt with my family until I’d come out and told them the truth. It hadn’t gone down well hence why I no longer communicated with them.
“If you were an animal, what one would you be?”
I chuckled and shook my head. That wasn’t expected, but the answer came easily.
“A cat… who doesn’t want to lie around all day doing fuck all and have human slaves to do their bidding.”
I heard her amusement bubble up out of her mouth. Her laughter was like music to my ears.
“I think you should get one, I’d love to see the look on Quinn’s face when he realised there was a small animal running around the house spreading hair everywhere and getting under everyone’s feet.”
Now there was an idea. We’d never had pets, mostly because I was pretty sure no one but me would look after it.
“He would tell me to get rid of it.”
“Not if I told him I wanted to keep it.”
I shook my head.
“I’m beginning to think you’ve got some fancy mind control powers… you’ve got him wrapped around your little finger.”
“Or maybe I just have a magic pussy.”
That made me look up at her unsure of whether she was joking or not. When she peeked over the bath lip again, I could see the mirth in her blue eyes.
“I’m not sure I can attest to the accuracy of that statement with my limited experience.”
I almost slapped a hand over my mouth, but Ash grinned even as her ears went pink.
“Further testing may have to be carried out… you know, for research purposes.”
Not being able to tell if this was still a joke or not, I licked my bottom lip captivated by thoughts of touching her again. Of her soft skin against mine. My fingertips trailing over all of her dips, curves and edges. Exploring every aspect of her body to maintain the memory of her just like this. And fuck if I didn’t want to work her up with my hands only so I could watch her fall. It would be so sweet. The delirious pleasure consuming us both.
“Research is very important… thorough testing would provide the most accurate results.”
Her breath hitched, pupils dilating as she leant closer. I found myself shifting, wanting to close the distance. Wanting her. But I looked away because I knew I couldn’t.
“What did you want to be when you were growing up?”
I almost kicked myself for the question, but the moment between us needed to be broken. I had to put a stop to this, or I’d end up in that bath with her or tugging her out of it to have her against me.
“You’ll think it’s stupid.”
“Try me.”
“I wanted to help people. I know that’s not a job, but… you have to understand, I grew up in a world full of death, violence and unhappiness. I wanted to make the world a better place rather than a destructive one. I told my mother that once, she looked at me like I’d grown two heads and told me never to allow Papa to hear me say that. I wasn’t allowed dreams like normal kids.”
The more I learnt about Ash, the more I wanted to wrap her up in cotton wool so she wouldn’t have to go through any further pain. My life might have been marred by poverty and violence, but she’d never been given any choice in the way her life was run. How she still managed to laugh and remain positive in the face of all she’d seen was a miracle.
“You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”
“I am?”
I looked up but she’d settled back in the bath again so I couldn’t see her.
“I admire that about you.”
“I don’t feel very strong. There are all these invisible shackles keeping me chained to the world I grew up in. I can’t even t
ell Quinn how to destroy my father even though I know his weaknesses. How to bring his empire crashing down around him. I love him… even if he lacks human decency and morals, he’s my father.”
Her words crushed me. The agony in them. The despair. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to comfort her so much it burnt a hole in my chest. Family ties were often the hardest to break when they kept you locked in a cage not of your own making.
“Do you want to stop him?”
“The honest truth is I don’t know. It would be easier if he’d been cold and never shown me love. I might not have had affection, but I had love from him. He called me his little teapot princess when I was small. He told me every day I’d rule over his kingdom when he was gone, that he was proud to have me as a daughter… it’s only when I grew older I realised how false those statements were. I’ve never made him proud. He sees me as a disappointment. I can’t do what’s necessary to protect our family from outside threats. I won’t kill for them. Becoming a monster like him would destroy everything which makes me… me. And yet I still can’t tear down his empire despite hating everything he and it stand for.”
I couldn’t help wondering if she’d told Quinn how she really felt about her father. He despised his own parents and I couldn’t blame him for that, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t try to understand her perspective. Then again this was Quinn, the most emotionally stunted of the four of us. Even Rory was more capable of understanding other viewpoints. And Xav? Well… the less said about that subject right now, the better. I couldn’t bring myself to think about how I would navigate that treacherous path quite yet. He and I needed to get everything out in the open. I knew that deep down.
I moved, flipping over onto my knees so I could look at her. She was huddled down in the water, her eyes fixed on the taps. Her hand rested on the lip of the bath so I reached out and put my own over it. Her skin was warm to the touch and a little damp from the water and the steam in the bathroom.
“The conflict you feel… that’s what makes you human, Ash. You couldn’t be a monster even if you tried.”
Her eyes flicked up to mine. I couldn’t read her expression.
“Do you like me, Eric?”
I blinked, not expecting her blunt question.
“Yes, what’s not to like? You’re a nice girl.”
“No… I don’t mean… never mind, it doesn’t matter.”
It dawned on me then what she was getting at.
“Ash…”
“No, it’s okay. It was a stupid thing to ask. You can just forget about it.”
I didn’t want to forget. I wanted to know why she’d asked that. Why when she had Quinn would she ever want to know if I liked her liked her? I’d spent long enough denying it to myself. Now I couldn’t any longer. Not when every time I looked at her now all I thought about was how she’d rocked against me whilst I touched her earlier like she wanted me. Like she wanted more. I was about to open my mouth again when she spoke.
“Would you mind getting my shampoo and conditioner from my room, please? I just prefer that brand.”
Her face had shut down completely. She looked numb and I couldn’t bring myself to ask her any further questions. Not after everything she’d been through today. I cursed myself internally for letting our conversation go to shit. Then I got up off the floor and rubbed the back of my neck.
“Sure.. whatever you need.”
I turned and left, feeling my stomach sink with every step I took away from her. Now I’d screwed up with both her and Xav. The two people at the centre of my world. And I had no idea how to fix it with either of them.
Chapter 16
I wanted to say fuck Eric and our stupid fight, but I couldn’t. What he said stuck with me. How could he think I didn’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings? I gave a shit about his, Rory and Quinn’s. I gave more than a shit about them. They were my family. The only reason I wasn’t lost in a sea of self-destruction and bitterness.
Instead of going and having it out with him, I paced my room like a caged animal, dragging my hands through my hair and trying to work out what the hell I’d done so wrong.
Eric and I had been through everything together. Absolutely everything. We were so close I didn’t think I could function without him in my life. He was my rock. The glue which kept all of us together because he diffused things when they were getting too heavy. He’d always been there and now I felt like there was a chasm between us. It had split our friendship in half and it kept getting wider and wider. How could I close the gap? How could I stop the downfall before it was too late?
What do I need to open my eyes to? What do you want me to see, Eric? What am I blind to?
I hated it when he didn’t make sense. Hated my own inability to recognise what he’d been trying to tell me. All of this was so frustrating. Especially since he wouldn’t even let me see Ash either. I was so fucking worried about her. It consumed me. I felt awful about not stopping Quinn, but at the same time, she enjoyed that aspect of their relationship. And I understood what he was trying to do.
That’s when my phone rang. I cursed and snagged it from my desk, staring down at the caller display.
For fuck’s sake, I don’t need this now.
I answered it and put it to my ear, going through the motions of accepting the call from the prison.
“Hello Julian.”
“Xavier.”
I didn’t know what the fuck to say to him. I hadn’t called him ‘dad’ in so long because to me he wasn’t a father. He didn’t often call me. Probably needed more money put in his prison account again or some shit like that. I wished I didn’t feel responsible for him.
“How are you?”
“As well as I can be. How have you been? And the boys?”
He always asked after Quinn, Rory and Eric like that was his right since he’d watched them grow up alongside me. He lost that right the night he did the unspeakable. The reason he’d been rotting away in a cell for almost twelve years.
“Just fine. Nothing’s changed.”
Except everything had changed since we last spoke.
“Good. That’s good.”
I ran a hand down my face.
“Why are you calling, Julian?”
“Can’t I want a conversation with my son?”
He’d never wanted a conversation with me in his life. At least not when I’d been younger. And I would never forgive him for what he’d done.
“No.”
He let out a long sigh.
“I need you to put more money in my account.”
And there we had it. The real reason he was calling.
“Fine. I’ll do it today.”
“Thank you.”
“I don’t want your thanks. I do this because you’re my father and you don’t have anyone else, not because I care.”
“You know I wish everything was different.”
I clenched my fist, not wanting to hear a damn thing out of his mouth.
“Try telling that to them. Oh no, wait, you can’t. They’re gone and that’s your fault. Goodbye Julian.”
I didn’t give him a chance to speak. Ripping the phone away from my ear, I hung up and tossed it on my desk.
“Fuck!”
I slumped down in my chair and put my head in my hands, rubbing my temples. Speaking to Julian always pissed me off. I hated this feeling. Hated the way I still did things for him even when he didn’t deserve anything from me. He deserved nothing at all from anyone. And now I couldn’t even go and see Eric like I usually did after his phone calls because we were fighting.
“God-fucking-damn everything to fucking hell.”
I slammed my hand on my desk and wanted to punch the living daylights out of something.
“Xav?”
My head whipped up and there she stood like a fucking vision, her hair damp and her blue eyes full of emotions. I was out of my chair and wrapping her in my arms the next moment.
I breathed her in like she was my fucking oxygen.
“Angel, I’ve been so worried about you.”
My hand was under her chin, tipping her face up towards me before my lips were on hers, taking everything she had to offer. Her hands clung to my t-shirt and she let me devour her mouth like a man starving for air. For her. And like that, everything faded away to just me and her. My beautiful angel.
Pulling away, I cupped her face with both hands, staring down at her to reassure myself she was okay. That’s when I noticed movement in my periphery. Looking up, I found Eric standing in the hallway staring at the both of us with disgust and confusion written all over his face.
Oh shit. Fuck.
I let go of Ash and stepped around her, wanting to explain, but he turned and walked away.
“E!”
He put a hand up and continued walking as if telling me to stay away. How could I when he’d just seen that? I chased after him.
“It’s not what you think… it’s not what it looks like.”
Eric stopped in his tracks and turned abruptly.
“Not what it looks like? So you didn’t have your tongue down Ash’s throat then?”
I flinched.
“Okay, that part is what it looks like, but I swear it’s not what you think.”
His face said it all. He didn’t believe a word I was saying. Why did that make me feel like shit? I’d never lied to him in my life. Maybe I’d kept things from him on occasion, but that wasn’t the same as lying.
“Oh, and what is it that I think? Huh? That you’re kissing her behind Quinn’s back like some secret fucking tryst between you?”
That’s when I felt another presence beside me. I looked down, finding Ash staring at Eric with no small amount of hurt radiating off her. Her hand slipped into mine and she squeezed it.
“We’re not doing anything behind Quinn’s back.”
Eric’s eyes fell on our joined hands and his frown only deepened.
“What?”
“Xav and I are together just as much as Quinn and I are. I asked them to share me. I asked for this. And they’re both trying to accept it so they can be with me.”