Loved

by Rebekah Dodson

  I stomped through the foyer of the inn, where Grant was sitting behind the counter. He eyed me curiously but didn’t say anything. I ignored him and dragged my suitcase out the big latticework front doors and down the gravel to the park lot south of the inn.

  As soon as I excited the inn, a deluge of rain dumped from the sky with thunder booming in the distance.

  Great! Just great! Today couldn’t get any worse.

  Using my flashlight on my phone but awkwardly trying not to get it wet, I stumbled down rows of cars until I finally found the convertible. At least Cam had the sense to put the top up with the frigid Oregon rain pelting all around me. It was pouring so hard now the rain was making little ping, ping, ping noises on the hoods of cars, SUVs, and trucks all around me.

  I would waste no time in throwing my suitcase in the trunk and getting on the road, but there was a hulking figure sitting on the hood of the car.

  I held my hand up as the rain soaked through my hair and ran into my eyes and shined my light on him. “Matt? What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  He stood and turned to me with his palms firmly planted on the hood. “You’re not leaving. Not this time.”

  “And why not?” I shouted at him. The thunder boomed across the sky. Behind him, a streak of lightning split the sky. Closer, the storm was much, much closer.

  “Because last time I let you walk away, and I didn’t fight for you!” he yelled.

  “I’m not falling for this Notebook shit.” I clicked the back door open and threw in my suitcase and pushed the front door open. “Goodbye, Matthew.”

  He rounded the car and put his foot in the door. Leaning in toward me, the rain ran out of his hair and into my lap. “Elaine, please, don’t go.”

  “Why should I stay? You know, I thought you’d changed, worked less, was less angry maybe, but I was clearly wrong. I—”

  He cut me off with a kiss.

  This wasn’t like Matt. He’d fight kicking and screaming to get his way. It took me by surprise that I forgot how upset I was with him. I remembered the times we’d been good together: in college, just after we got married. Before we’d had our jobs, and everything had been so crazy that we barely saw each other.

  And somehow, with the rain pouring around us and the darkness of the parking lot creeping in, I found my hands in his hair and his hands roamed by body like they had a few hours before and before I knew it, I was on my back across the front seat with Matt on top of me and I was weak.

  So weak.

  I let him make love to me for the second time that night – another first! – and afterwards, we lay cramped together in the front seat with the cupholder digging into my lower back.

  Was this what we were? A quick fuck in the dark?

  “Jesus, Matt, what is wrong with us? Is this who we are now?”

  He murmured something I didn’t quite hear, then wrapped his arms tighter around me and kissed my temple. “I’m sorry I was rude earlier. I was so terrified that you’d leave when we’d just found each other I... I didn’t know how else to react.”

  Thunder bellowed in the distance as the storm moved away. I shifted in his arms. “Where do we go from here?”

  “Stay with me tonight? I know you have to leave tomorrow... but give me one more night? I just want to hold you one last time.”

  I thought about that for a brief moment. “Hopefully somewhere more comfortable than this rental.”

  He kissed me again. “Looks like the rain is a drizzle now, so we can make a run for my cabin.”

  Chapter 13

  Matt

  I HAD A TERRIBLE FEELING Ellie was my savior and my undoing. Every moment with her was a frustrating bundle of energy and anger. I expelled it at the worst times when I thought I had it under control. She got under my skin just like she always did, and I couldn’t help myself.

  But then she was in my arms and her sweet lips were mine and I was completely, undeniably hers. She had my heart wrapped around her little finger and she didn’t even know how much power she had over me.

  The sun wasn’t even up when I’d made Grant take over morning yoga for me, and even though he complained a little bit, I knew secretly he was glad for the opportunity.

  “You busy sleeping in, boss?” he’d teased over the phone at five in the morning.

  I glanced at the naked sandy-haired beauty wrapped up in my arms. I swear, she was more beautiful now that when we had been married. “Something like that,” I told Grant.

  My next phone call had been to Liam. Ellie told me she had run into him last night but brushed it off like a passing in the hallway kind of thing. The fact that he was up on that ankle meant it wasn’t as bad as I thought, so when I woke him up I demanded he get down to breakfast service.

  “Sure, Dad.” His voice was groggy, and he yawned. “Something tells me we both had a good night.”

  “Okay, son, that’s enough,” I warned, “just take care of our guests, okay?”

  Despite making all those arrangements to sleep in with Ellie, she had stirred at six a.m. anyway.

  “You’re up early,” I told her with a kiss on her forehead.

  She snuggled closer to me, and I wondered if this was what Heaven felt like. “What time is it?” I told her. “I actually slept in. I’m usually at the hospital by four.”

  “Four in the morning?”

  “Yeah ... I like to leave early to avoid the terrible Seattle commute.”

  “I remember how bad it was.” I pulled her closer to me.

  “Do you miss it?” when I didn’t answer, she pressed again. “Being in court every day? Lawyer things?”

  “Lawyer things.” I chuckled at that. She had no idea. “I don’t regret it one bit.”

  She leaned up on her elbow. “Not even the money?”

  “There’s more to life than money, Ellie. And besides, with the winery and the resort, I make enough to get by.”

  She frowned at me.

  I got out of bed and threw one of my shirts at her. It was baggy and sexy as hell. “Breakfast in bed, m’lady?” I teased her.

  “Why Matthew, I thought you’d never ask.”

  An hour later, it was still raining as we sat hand in hand on the back porch of my cabin, enjoying morning coffee and the remnants of a simple, Oregon breakfast: lox with tomato, cucumber, and red onion on bagels smeared with a generous helping of vegetable cream cheese. She laughed at me, but I explained it was healthy and good for you.

  “I remember when you used to skip breakfast every day,” she said. She bit down on the second half of her bagel. “Now you’re a clean eater.”

  “Clean eating is good for you. And when you don’t have access to fast food up here in the mountains, well...” I shrugged. “You should try it sometime.” When I saw her glare at me, I quickly added, “Not that you need to or anything. You look good.” I gave her a pointed look. “Like, really good.”

  “Oh yeah?” She got up and sat in my lap, throwing her arms around my neck and her legs on the arm of the lawn chair. “Like how good?”

  I nestled my head against her shoulder and held her back. Even in the morning she smelled like sunshine and apples. The rain had slowed to an occasional drizzle

  “Do you want to go apple picking with me?” I blurted. She cocked her head and blinked at me. I realized I hadn’t answered her question. “And yes, you look amazing. Good enough to eat.” I nibbled at her earlobe, catching it between my teeth and tugging gently as she squirmed against me. “So, apples?”

  She laughed. God, I loved that sound. “I guess, but can we skip the horses this time?”

  “Yes, absolutely. We can walk. It won’t take long.”

  “Awesome. I’m going to shower.”

  She hopped up and I realized she was still just wearing my shirt. I was glad my cabin overlooked the gorge, and not the resort, because otherwise she would have flashed everyone my favorite parts of her. I grabbed her ass as she turned to go inside, and she yelped a little and grinned.


  “Wanna join me?” she asked, pausing in the sliding glass doorway.

  I couldn’t get up fast enough. “I thought you’d never ask.”

  I COULDN’T PUT MY FINGER on what was different about us as she held my hand while we walked. An hour had passed, and it was just after seven in the morning. In the back of my mind I kept trying to tell myself she was leaving today, she was going back to work, she was going to leave me again. But Shuri had helped me live in the present, and I was firmly stuck there now. It was just me and Ellie today, for as long as I had her. I couldn’t worry about the what ifs.

  Today, though, I wondered if I’d been blind the entire time we’d been married. Through dress up cocktails for my office and operas and even her lounging in yoga pants around our little house, all of it paled in comparison to the tight jeans and flannel shirt she wore today. Ellie was a breath of fresh air, a flighty fairy thing I didn’t think I was meant to hold on.

  And as she danced away from me, her fingers trailing out my hand, and toward the rows of apple trees.

  “Why are some of them still green?” she asked, holding her basket in front of her.

  “Those are rubinettes,” I told her, plucking one from a low branch and crunching into it. “They are the special of Hood River. Bold and boasting lots of flavor, and they are crunchy without needing too much effort, but they balance sweetness. They aren’t as sweet as the Fuji or the gala, which was also grow and sell at the local farmer’s market in Corbett.”

  Ellie was just staring at me.

  “What?”

  She chuckled. “Never in a million years did I ever think I would hear you gush on about apples, Matthew Sinclair. Who are you?”

  I laughed and pulled a few apples into my basket. “I’m just a guy who owns a vineyard.”

  “And winery. Which you still haven’t shown me.”

  “You haven’t asked.”

  “Consider this me, asking.” She took a bite of her own apple. “Wow, these are pretty tart.”

  “Yeah, but they are great to mix with the honeycrisps in an apple turnover. Liam loves making them.”

  She threw me a quizzical look. “I thought you said we were out here for cider for the wedding?”

  “We are.” I moved passed her. “We need to get red apples.” She followed me a little way, and we stopped near the honeycrisp trees which were bursting with orange flamed and red sweet apples. I watched her pluck an apple from the tree, examine it, and toss it away on the ground. She reached for another, decided it was acceptable, and tucked it in her basket. Despite trying to live in the present, something she said didn’t sit with me the right way. “Have I really changed that much?” I asked her in a near whisper.

  Picking her own apples a few feet away, she turned and stared at me. “Yeah, you have.”

  I sighed heavily. “Ellie, what are we even doing?”

  “I thought we were picking apples.”

  Technically, she was right. I picked a dozen more and my basket was filling pretty quickly. “You still haven’t answered me from when I said I love you.”

  Her eyes flashed at me. Not just hurt, but annoyance. I inhaled. I didn’t want to break her heart; last night and this morning had been amazing, and for the first time in over a year I felt less alone. But she was going to leave, when I least expected it, and I didn’t want to go through this all over again.

  “Why do you love me?”

  Like a deer in the headlights, I wasn’t sure how to respond. Damn this woman and her ire! I thought. If she’d given me any time I would have rehearsed my response perfectly, but it was seven in the morning in the middle of an orchard.

  “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember,” I answered honestly, “but in college I was in love with the idea of being in love. I got comfortable with you and it felt natural. Until ... it didn’t.”

  “What changed?”

  “I’m not sure.” I searched her face, and it softened. I inhaled deeply. It had been years since I’d had to voice my feelings about anything, and I hated it. “I think it’s when I saw you relax, saw you laugh and enjoy yourself, that all those old feelings came back and...” I stepped closer to her. “To be honest, I’m scared. I don’t know how to feel about this. Do you?”

  I expected her to let me pull her into my arms and everything would be okay, but instead, she took an aggressive stance. I backed up and felt my heart slam against my chest. What had I said to piss her off this time?

  “Can’t you let this be?” she demanded, her basket perched on her hip. “I’m on vacation...”

  “But you’re still going back to Seattle.”

  “Yes.”

  I made an annoyed sound and turned away from her to find more apples. She wasn’t ready. I’d pressed her too much, and she wasn’t ready. Maybe more time—

  She dropped her basket then, and I turned to see her putting her hands on her hips. “Fine. I really didn’t want to have this conversation, but here we are. What exactly do you see happening, Matt? I quit my job – where I make close to six figures a year – and move out here and be your Susie homemaker? Maybe I’ll don a maid outfit and start cleaning rooms for you...”

  I gripped the handles of my basket so hard my knuckles were white, I didn’t bother giving looking at her. “That’s not that I meant at all!”

  There is it, the anger. It’s still there, no matter what I do. It’ll never go away. We used to fight like cats and dogs, and here it was coming back. I knew it: some things never changed.

  Except this time, they did. I inhaled, counted to four, held my breath for four, and exhaled to a count of eight. Ellie waited, I’m sure her anger at me building as I fought for control. My practiced, controlled breath let my irritation seep out of me and I felt my blood pressure lowering.

  I stood with my full basket under my arm and looked at her. “I’m sorry,” I apologized immediately. “Look, Ellie, I love you, and I love us, when we’re together. I think this time we could be good for each other, but if you don’t agree, then maybe it is best you leave for Seattle.” I sucked in a breath of cool morning air. “And the sooner the better, because this dance of broken hearts? I’m not interested in doing that again. You have to choose, Ellie: what’s more important, a life with me or a life behind a desk?”

  She gaped at me, her mouth working but no sound coming out, as she hoisted the basket into her arms again. Without a word, she pushed passed me and started back toward the cabin.

  Unlike last night, though, I wasn’t just going to let her walk out of my life again. I sat my basket down and stepped into the narrow path that ran through the center of the orchard. “Do you even know – no, scratch that – care what happened to me after you left five years ago?”

  She sucked in a breath and swept her hand out in front of her. “Clearly you did well for yourself.”

  “I almost died, Elaine.”

  She froze. “You ... what?”

  Ten feet away, another couple from the Inn were picking apples, too, and they threw us a sharp look. I cursed under my breath and took her arm, hoisting her back in the tree line with me.

  “Go back to Seattle,” I hissed in her ear.

  Her eyes misted, and she just stared at me, shocked. “You ... want me to leave?”

  “If you don’t mind, Ellie, I’ve got a wedding reception that needs a whole ton of apple cider. Quite literally. Don’t you have a job to get back to so you can stop playing homemaker?”

  Chapter 14

  Ellie

  AS I STALKED TO MY car, I finally realized what it was: I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay wrapped in his arms, where I was safe and secure. Where every day was just fresh air, weddings, serving food, apple picking. I wanted to wake up to Matt every day, for the rest of my life. Did he feel the same? I wasn’t so sure anymore. He’d sent me away. But why? What was he scared of?

  I angrily wiped the stupid tears from my eyes. I didn’t even bother getting my suitcase from his cabin; I stopped lon
g enough to get my keys. I’d left my purse in the car last night like an idiot. Screw him and his little vineyard. How dare he tell me how to live my life? What we had was fun and he was screwing it all up. Couldn’t he let me live in my little daydream and go back to work on Tuesday?

  As soon as the convertible cranked to life, the satellite radio blared that terrible country music Cam loved so much.

  “Throw back – WAY back – to two-thousand-and-seven with, that’s right, ‘Teardrops On My Guitar’...”

  I punched the radio off. “Screw Taylor Swift and all her songs about love and heartbreak and ... and... happiness!” I screamed to the empty car as I turned on the highway that would lead me back to the interstate.

  An hour later, I was firmly headed north on I-5, the familiar rainy, windy corridor between Portland and Seattle calming my nerves. I’d driven this stretch of road a thousand times and there was something comforting about it. I was no longer crying angry tears and fuming and had found a talk radio station. I still found myself thumbing through the stations absently, landing on the eighties station. Journey crooned softly, and I remembered listening to the song with Matt on our fifth wedding anniversary. I had teased him about his eighties music and at the time he’d flipped to a New Republic song and let me jam along with that, instead.

  Now I’d give anything to listen to music with him. It didn’t even matter what kind.

  What in the world had happened? How did I fall for him in the space of two days, and why couldn’t I tell him I loved him?

  I knew I was scared, but saying it meant we were going to try again, and I didn’t want to go through the heartbreak ... not again. What if it didn’t work out this time, too?

  Two hours of rumination later left me a shaky mess as I pulled up to my condo. My cat glanced at me disdainfully from his food bowl, then went back to it like I didn’t exist. Despite not getting much sleep last night, I quickly dressed in a smart pantsuit, ran a curler through my hair, and all before I realized my makeup bag was back at the resort. I rummaged around in my purse for some nearly dried up mascara, decided to toss it, and applied some lip gloss. That was old, too, so I pitched it as well.