Loved

by Rebekah Dodson

  While I was digging for makeup, my hand hit my phone. I hadn’t checked it for over twelve hours – I hadn’t even thought about it. I turned it over to see a few emails and a text message envelope.

  I didn’t really care to check them. My heart wasn’t into trying to put out fires and I didn’t even care who texted me. It was probably Cam, yelling at me for taking off with the rental, though I’d told Liam I’d be back to pick her up. I turned my phone off and threw it to the bottom of my purse and ignored it.

  Eventually I’d have to tell her I wasn’t going to come back, but that was another conversation for later today.

  I did, however, take my own car to the hospital. Who drives three hours to go into work on a Sunday? Me.

  Truly my work schedule didn’t allow for many days off, so going in on a Sunday wasn’t a big deal. It was just another day I had to follow up on paperwork and make sure everyone else in all the other departments were doing their job. I oversaw staff primarily, but worked closely with the admin on the billing, financial aid, and registration side. It was like having to work with fifteen other people who didn’t really do much besides hit OK on a computer while managing time off, conflicts, and other duties for 290 nurses, doctors, LPs, and janitors.

  Exhausted. That’s what I was. I stopped for a double-shot espresso with extra chocolate at my favorite coffee stand across the street from the hospital. Once in my reserved parking spot, I locked my car and slid my key card to go in the employee entrance around back and trudged past the stairs to the elevator.

  With a sarcastic laugh, I remember that Cam and I had only enjoyed our free prize room one night. How fucked up the weekend had become, for both of us. She was the only one still enjoying her choices, I bet.

  The elevator doors swung open, revealing a tall, blond doctor in a white coat who blinked at me before stepping back quickly. I almost didn’t recognize him; he must have been at the end of his shift. His eyes were tired, and his shoulders slumped, and he had a five o’clock shadow across his broad chin. He peered at me like I was an apparition instead of his ex-fiancée.

  “Ellie?”

  I sighed. “What do you want, Henry?”

  “I thought you were on vacation?”

  “And I thought you were busy fucking your nurse,” I spit at him and pushed passed him, hitting his shoulder as I went past as hard as I could.

  “Ellie! Hey, wait!”

  “I have a lot of work to do,” I called over my shoulder. My heels clacked on the shiny white linoleum as I hurried away from him. The employee offices were located at the back of the hospital, but we were behind registration, but on Sunday the lab and check-ins were closed. It was also Labor Day weekend, so I had approved about seventy percent of the vacation requests I had received. I waved at Kyndale in payroll as I passed her towards my desk.

  My office was just how I left it. On the back wall behind my desk hung the replica Van Gogh painting of apples, grapes, and lemons. Henry had bought it for me a year ago while he was in New York at some conference; he said it would make my office warmer and inviting – and, he joked, would match the disgusting orange hospital chairs in front of my desk. Now, however, the painting just reminded me of Moscato Vineyard, of apple picking, of kissing Matt, and of the brown and auburn leaves all over the resort that crunched under my feet when Matt and I had walked hand in hand.

  I sighed. The stacks of papers still neatly organized on my desk, two orange hospital chairs angled in front of it, a small bookcase with the only plant I’d ever kept alive on top of it. It was a spider plant that was supposed to be easy to thrive and grow, but I’d forgotten to water it so much it was probably starved half to death. It certainly appeared limp and wilted enough that I wondered if watering it was even worth it anymore.

  I snatched a half-empty water bottle from my desk and dumped it on the plant. I stared at it for a minute, as if it was going to come alive and tell me I was making a big mistake by being here. Like I was trapped in some bizarre version of The Little Shop of Horrors, only my plant would be benevolent and understanding and not try to punish me for my rash decisions made in anger.

  Nothing happened, of course, but as I watched the water seep into the dry soil around the roots, I realized something: Matt said he loved me because something had changed, but he didn’t know what it was.

  I did.

  We were different people, that was true, but over the last couple of days we had stopped and took time to water the little seedling of love between us. When we had been married, maybe I hadn’t taken the time to care for him. Maybe I hadn’t given him the time he needed, and that’s when our relationship dried up and died.

  Was there any hope for us now? Could we simply water it and expect it to grow?

  No. We had to work at it: talk about things and not go to bed angry. Our lives as administrator and lawyer had been a chaotic bustle of a rat race, where neither of us worked together, but instead led different lives all along until it was too late. Where had we lost ourselves before, perhaps without our bosses, court cases, paperwork, and emails, just perhaps this time we could find who we really were.

  But it was too late now. Matt sent me away, and I left, and going back would mean admitting defeat. I wasn’t ready to do that, yet.

  My chest felt heavy as I plopped into my chair and booted up my computer.

  For the next few hours, I buried myself in my work. I had fifty emails to address, three proposals to approve, and a hundred and sixty vacation requests for next month.

  Usually I moved through my agenda quickly and quietly, and even enjoyed the challenge of paperwork, negotiating, and technical writing —but today I felt like I was drowning. Every click of the mouse and sentence I typed on the keyboard was exhausting. When I answered three emails, four more came in. I couldn’t keep up fast enough, no matter how much my fingers flew across the black keyboard.

  Two days away from work had been too much. Why did I ever agree to Cam’s crazy adventure? I could never go on vacation again. How did anyone function around here without me?

  My brain drifted away from emails and to yoga. I rolled my shoulders and cracked my knuckles. What I wouldn’t give for some relaxing yoga about now. And a ride through the country, breathing in the cool air; I could do that again. Having a horse under me again had reminded me of all the safe feelings of belonging from my childhood, and I wanted that feeling again. I realized I’d never get to taste the cider made from those apples we picked, and I wished I had bought a bottle of Shuri’s world-famous Moscato. I could almost taste the salty salmon and cream cheese from breakfast this morning, followed by the feeling of warmth when I realized Matt was just looking at me like he’d never seen a more beautiful being in his life.

  I started to relax a little more and found myself dozing off. Blinking awake and rubbing my eyes, I stared down at my keyboard. Some of the letters were smudged, others were missing completely; the T, the I, and the O were nearly indecipherable, and the N, M, and D were completely wiped off. I snatched a Post-It note from a nearby pad and scribbled a reminder to have facilities get me a new keyboard. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d replaced this one. A year? Two? Maybe more?

  My monitor was already covered with pink, green, and blue Post-Its. Dozens of them, overlapping each other and some of them two or three different Post-Its thick. Reminders of passwords, voicemails, employee time cards, and even one to eat lunch stacked on top of one to check a file from two months ago. Where was I supposed to put my reminder of a reminder to get a new keyboard?

  “Ellie?

  I looked up, letting my keyboard reminder fall forgotten to the desk. Much to my annoyance, Henry ducked in my office and shut the door softly behind him. He stood there awkwardly, shifting his weight and his hands firmly in the jacket of his white coat.

  “We need to talk.”

  “No we do not.” I moved away from the sad plant and sat down behind my desk. I glanced at the computer, where fifteen more emails had popped up i
n the last hour. How many more people worked on the holiday weekend like me, anyway? “I have court to prepare for tomorrow and if you don’t mind, I didn’t get much sleep last night, so—”

  “I miss you,” he blurted, interrupting me.

  My head shot up. “Excuse me?”

  He approached my desk and leaned on it with one hand, the other running through his shaggy blond hair. “I-I made a mistake, with Jessica. I miss you, Ellie.”

  I blinked up at him. I didn’t know what to do with this information – at first. But then I looked at him, really looked, for the first time. My first thought was Henry was exhausted; I wasn’t sure if he knew what he was saying. But followed on the heels of the first was the summation that maybe I looked that way, too.

  “I’ve just been so stressed with work and well, let’s face it, you were never home, and we worked opposite schedules.” He blew out a heavy breath. “But since you’ve been gone I’ve been thinking, we should take a couple weeks off. You know, go down to L.A. or something. I have a conference coming up. We could go together. Find each other again.” He paused, and when I didn’t respond, he tumbled over his words again. “Ellie, I...”

  He looks scared, I realized. Has he always looks that way? I’d known him for a little over two years, and Henry had always been cool, calm, and confident — especially when he left me. But this was another side of him entirely; this side was vulnerable, and maybe a little lonely.

  I stood and leaned toward him. “And what would we do in L.A.?”

  Blinking at me, I could see his tired brain caught off guard, and he churned my question in his head for a moment. “Well, we work of course, isn’t that what we do best?” He chuckled but cut it off when he saw how dead serious I was with my question. “I’m sure we could go shopping when you aren’t going over your reports or checking your phone. Hey, where is your phone, anyway?”

  I realized I’d left my phone and my purse in my car and only grabbed my keycard. Oh well, no matter. Everything I needed was on my computer. “I don’t have it,” I admitted.

  Henry laughed at that. “Now that’s funny.”

  I felt the hair rising on the back of my neck. “What’s so funny about it?”

  “It’s a joke, right? Like haha, funny, you left your phone in the car. Do you need to go get it?”

  “I just don’t need it is all.”

  Henry stared at me. “Seriously? Are you feeling okay, Ellie? You’re never without your phone.”

  I nodded, very slowly. “If you can excuse me, I have a lot of work to do. Do you mind?”

  “So you’ll think about it, then? A work trip? Just the two of us?”

  Ugh, this man couldn’t take a hint. “Let me ask you a question, Henry. Why did you love me?”

  “Well...” he paused, looked up, considered it. “You’re a hard worker, you’re gorgeous, I mean, you could lose a few pounds but couldn’t we all, right?” He swallowed a chuckle when he saw me glare at him. “I mean, I, um ... well you’re just hot and we could be good together, you know?”

  Wrong answer. “I’m also your boss, doesn’t that mean anything?”

  He grinned widely. “All the more better to get time off, amiright?”

  I rounded my desk and stood toe-to-toe with him. “Henry.” My index finger pointed at his chest. “I’m sorry you missed me, but I’m over it. And you know what? I’m over this job, too. Why would I even continue this rat race when I could be living in the woods, picking apples and making cobbler and horseback riding and doing yoga every day?”

  “I don’t understand?” He shook his head. “None of those things sound like you, Ellie. Why the hell would you want to go live in the woods? Just what kind of ‘vacation’ did you and Cam go on, anyway?”

  “None of those things sound like me. Exactly.” I moved to the door and yanked it open. “Now, get out of my office.”

  Still harboring a mild look of shock, he shook his head at me and left.

  I didn’t even bother to shut down my computer. I snatched my key card off the desk and dumped it unceremoniously on Kyndale’s desk.

  She held it and looked up at me. “What’s going on, Ellie?”

  “I quit.”

  “You ... can’t quit!” She jumped up. “Harrison will go ballistic. You have court tomorrow morning!”

  “Harrison knows the case better than I do. He can do it himself.”

  “But ... but ... we need you!”

  “Not entirely true. You need an exhausted, overworked administrator who is so stressed out she lost herself somewhere among the reports and court cases and employee slash union mediation. I’m not that person anymore.”

  Kyndale gaped at me. “Should – should I call Harrison?”

  “No need, I don’t even have my phone.” With that I spun on my heel and headed down the hallway.

  “Where are you going?” Kyndale called after me.

  “To a wedding,” I yelled over my shoulder.

  I broke into a run toward the elevator. I couldn’t get away fast enough.

  Chapter 15

  Matt

  “CHRISTINA!” I MOTIONED her over. Gently, I told her, “What plates did I ask you to fetch from the inn?”

  She examined her hands as her face fell. “The gold ones.”

  “Do the silver go with the turquoise and pink?”

  “No, boss.” She didn’t look at me.

  “So what should you do?”

  She stared up at me for a moment. “Get Savannah to help me replace all these with gold?”

  I winked at her. “You got it. Now get to it. We have a dinner to serve in three hours.”

  Her face twisted in confusion for a moment, but then she fled away, hurrying over to where Savannah was arranging flowers at a far table. She leaned in toward the girl for a moment and then both of them left the barn and headed quickly down the path back to the Inn.

  I stood back and surveyed the tables. The wedding party was a hundred and fifty strong easily, and twenty tables had barely fit in the large room. At least they were round and could be fit closer together. My team and I had been at it for the last couple of hours, and it was just after ten in the morning. I threw myself into the decorating – mostly to forget the fact that hearing Ellie drive away this morning had been the final straw in cementing I’d be alone forever.

  I had no time for dramatics, however, when I had a staff to tend to and a wedding to pull off flawlessly.

  My phone buzzed in my back pocket and I yanked it out, flipping the screen on to see a text from Cam.

  Hey Matt - where’s the reserve flour kept? The bucket is empty.

  I smiled as I imagined Cam flying around the kitchen, trying to find flour. The shed out back has flour, sugar, and other non-perishables.

  Got it!

  How’re the turnovers going? I texted back.

  They’d be going better if I had some damn flour. Hang on.

  I tucked my phone away as Christina and Savannah returned. I took the stack of plates from the metal cart and helped them go around the room and replace silver with gold. Grant came up with the second stack of pink napkins – we’d run our earlier – and I set the girls to arranging the silverware rolled in the napkins and secured with the decorative turquoise ring.

  Tables set, the last thing we had to do was hang the lights, which required me on a step stool. Normally it was Liam’s job, but he was better put to use on a stool in the kitchen next to Cam. As much as I hated Cam and Liam’s budding relationship, I had to admit Cam was a lifesaver and culinary dream to have on my team. Liam adored her, and she knew her stuff like the back of her hand. She’d taken the menu created for the wedding and tweaked it ever so slightly to elevate a few of the dishes. She ordered Xavier to run to Portland to get better mushrooms and a few more ingredients for apple turnovers, since this morning Elie and I had collected more apples than I knew what to do with. With Cam and Liam in the kitchen and Xavier on a store run, Daniel was busy setting up the buffet table at th
e back of the barn, making sure candles worked and drink carts were stocked.

  “How are things going over here?”

  I turned from hanging the tiny, white lights along the outside rafter to see Nancy, the mother of the bride, poking her head into the barn. I winced slightly as I realized I’d have to deal with her abrasiveness and I was in no mood to, but I watched her face light up as she took in the low-lit beauty of the room.

  “It’s coming along nicely,” I told her gently. “The settings are almost done, and we’ve just to hang the lights.”

  “The band will be here around noon to set up at the gazebo, and the service starts at two,” she reminded me, “which brings me to why I’m here. I noticed there are no chairs set up, and guests will start arriving soon.”

  “Oh, shoot!” I scrambled down the step ladder. “I meant to do that early this morning, but I got ... distracted. I’ll get right one it, Mrs. Jones.”

  She glared at me slightly. “I trust you will, Mr. Sinclair.”

  “Daniel!” I called my cook over, the tallest member of my staff. “Would you finish with the lights? I’ve got to run down to the shed and haul the chairs up.”

  “Sure thing, Boss.”

  I looked at Nancy, trying not to frown at admitting I needed help. “I don’t suppose you could rustle up a few hands to help me?”

  To my surprise, she glanced at me and smiled. “Absolutely.” She waved as she headed back up the hill. “By the way, I passed the dining area as I was coming down, and whatever your staff is cooking up smells delicious!” she called.

  “Thanks!” I waved back and we split separate ways.

  FIVE HOURS LATER, I finally had the opportunity to sit down, in the very back row of the wedding, just as the groom had kissed the bride. I always had a soft spot in my heart for the weddings I did. Somewhere along the way I figured it was my penance for ruining my own, even though the second time around losing Shuri hadn’t been my fault. The powers that be had decided that I would spend the rest of my days making other people’s days happy, but the joke’s on them: I enjoyed nearly every minute of it. Even monster in-laws and bridezillas, of which I had a few.