If You Hold Me (A Sugar Maple Novel Book 4)

by Ciara Knight

  She took off her helmet with a smile. “Taking me to our old stomping grounds to dredge up old memories?”

  He hesitated, making sure he hadn’t miscalculated his play. “I can take you to a restaurant instead if you prefer.”

  “No, no fancy restaurants, please,” she said with such conviction, he gained confidence in his plan.

  “Good, then come with me.” He offered his hand. “Stay close. I only have the one flashlight.” He flicked on the light, and they walked side-by-side when the trees didn’t force them into single file. The temperature dropped as they moved farther into the woods, and he worried Mary-Beth was too cold, so he took off his jacket and wrapped it around her.

  He managed to find the camp and lit the pre-made fire quickly.

  “I can’t believe this is still here.” She looked up at the old tree house. He’d managed to do some repair work on it earlier—not enough to make it perfect but safe enough to enter if they wished.

  “It is. I guess we make a good team.” He settled her onto a blanket laid out next to the picnic basket and then covered her with the other and snuggled in by her side. Between the campfire, the blankets, and the body heat, they’d be warm enough.

  “Wow, what’s all this?” She pointed to the picnic basket.

  “I made our favorite food. Hopefully, it’s as good as what my mother used to make for us. I did have to ask her what kind of jelly she always used when we were kids under the guise that I was craving one.” He winked.

  “So, you two are speaking. That’s good.” She looked down at her covered feet stretched out in front of her. He hated the sadness that showed in the way her bottom lip tightened.

  “And your mother? Are you speaking with her?” he asked.

  Mary-Beth opened the picnic basket and looked inside. “No, not yet. I wasn’t ready. Your mother’s easy to forgive.”

  “I hope you do. Trust me when I say it feels better to hash it out. I don’t have the opportunity to do so with my father, and I wish I could. Don’t let things go too long without talking. You’ll have regrets.”

  She looked at him as if for the first time, studying every inch of his face before she spoke again. “I’m sorry. I know that has to be tough.”

  For a moment, he thought they would fall into each other’s arms and move forward, but she pulled away and removed the foil to unveil the peanut butter sandwiches, chips, and apple with a hearty laugh. “I can’t believe you brought our camp food. We thought it was so cool when your mom would make us this and tell us to go play and we’d take it to the tree house to hide from Hawk so we could have some privacy.” She bit into the apple, sending juice down her chin. He grabbed a napkin and caught the liquid before it dropped to the blanket. Any excuse to lean into her without making her pull away worked for him.

  “You sure you don’t want me to take you some place special?” he asked, worried this wasn’t good enough to win her affection again.

  “This is the most special place in the world. It was our place, and it feels good to be here again.” She looked overhead. “Do you think we can fit inside?”

  “I don’t know, but we can try.” He stood, careful to keep the blanket from the fire, and pulled down the rope ladder for her. “Do you think you can still climb?”

  “Better than you.”

  She managed to make it to the top after he held the ladder still so it didn’t swing. He had the same difficulty, but it was worth it when he reached the top and found that the flameless candles were still on. He’d set the scene before he’d left for football practice, in hopes it would stay lit long enough to get Mary-Beth here.

  “Wow, this is beautiful. Look, our little table you made in scouts for us is still here. And the chair I made with your mom while you were at football practice.” She spun around with her head quirked to one side so she fit.

  He stayed on his knees with no hope of walking around. “Do you remember how we would come out here any time we needed a break from the world? We’d always say this was for just you and me.”

  “I remember.” She scooted to the chair and knelt down. “Hey, I wonder if our tin box is still inside.” She opened the secret compartment.

  His breath caught. He knee-walked to her side, ignoring the shooting pain in his bad leg. “No. Don’t open that.”

  She pulled the tin box out. “Why not? Scared there’s a beetle inside?”

  “That was only once, and I didn’t know it was a beetle. It was dark, and the thing moved like a snake. It was some mutant creature.” He reached for the tin box to take it from her, not sure if his letter still remained inside after all these years. How had he been so stupid? He’d been so excited to bring her out here and share a night alone that he hadn’t thought to check.

  “Relax, I’ll protect you from any insects.” She opened it, and inside sat his old, crinkled letter, dusty and dirty, but it had remained in its dismal resting place.

  “Don’t open that.” He reached, but she pulled it away.

  “Why, what is it?”

  “My final note to you. The one I placed here when you’d left for the dorm. A letter I thought would’ve changed things between us.” He saw it in her eyes that she had to open it and see.

  And she did.

  The dirty, tarnished old ring fell into the palm of her hand.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The handwritten letter nearly disintegrated in her hands, but the ring slipped through the tear in the paper before she could make anything out. The gold band with a diamond chip sat in her palm, and she analyzed it as if she’d never seen a ring before.

  “I didn’t have any money back then.”

  His words jolted her from her stupor.

  “It’s perfect. It’s not that. Tanner… It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Tears filled her eyes, but she swiped them away, wanting to see the letter he’d left for her. She lifted one of the candles and tried to make out the fading words. Love, will you, and marry was all she could read. Her hands trembled, as did her heart. “What did it say? I want to hear every word that you wrote me. Please tell me you remember.”

  He slid to her side and took both of her hands in his. “It said that I knew that I’d made a mistake leaving you behind and that I wanted you to come with me. I loved you, and I wanted to ask you to marry me.”

  His words were tarnished by the years and the realization that their parents had been right. He’d wanted that game more than anything, even more than her. “I’m glad I didn’t get this all those years ago.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because our parents were right about one thing. I would’ve been a distraction from your dreams. You see, I never wanted to be your shadow. I wanted to find my own way, and with football and fame, I don’t know if I could’ve handled it.”

  “Don’t say that.” Tanner held her hands in his. “You’ve just let them get into your head. Mary-Beth, you could never be my shadow. You shine too brightly. I’ve always admired the way you light up a room and how everyone wants to be close to you. The world loves you for you, not just because you can catch or throw a ball and score a touchdown.”

  “You were meant to be a star, Tanner. I’m sorry for what happened to you. I truly hope you’ve been happy as a coach.”

  “Yes, but I’ll be happier here with you. I want to stay and run the farm and help with high school football. I don’t mind hard work if it means that I get to have you back in my life.” He took the ring and held it up to her. “This might be a little tarnished and dirty, but I assure you my feelings for you are not. I want you to keep this as a reminder of how much I’ve loved you over the years. How I never forgot about you, and someday, I hope to get you a real ring and we can be together without any family pulling us apart.”

  “I’d like that too, but Tanner, where do we go from here?” She wanted to launch into his arms and tell him how much she loved him and wanted to spend her life with him, but she’d suffered so many years filling the hole where her
heart was that she couldn’t risk herself again. Not without more confidence in who they were today.

  “Can we pick up where we left off and pretend we were never torn apart?” He sounded winded and hopeful, but she couldn’t give that to him.

  “No. Because we’re not the same people we once were.” She fisted the ring and held it to her heart. “I loved this boy and trusted him with everything, and he broke me. The man you’ve become… I don’t know him.”

  “Then get to know me. We’ll date. I’ll take you out to restaurants and walk you to work and do boyfriendly things.”

  She swiped more wayward tears and looked at a wide-eyed Tanner at her side. She’d never been able to deny him anything he wanted. But for now, she wouldn’t give her hope and heart to him. Not yet. “I’d like that, except for the traditional dating. I’m hoping we can be ourselves. I’ve never been me around another man the way I was with you.”

  “I know what you’re saying. There’s no girl who I’ve ever been myself around. We grew up together, we knew each other, and I want to know you that way again. Give us a chance. Trust me with your heart. I promise not to break it this time.”

  She held out the ring to him, but he closed her fingers around it. “Keep it. Consider it a promise ring, and when you feel safe in my arms, then put it on your finger. Until then, I’ll properly date you, and as good ole Davey would say, I’ll woo you.”

  “Taking advice from Davey now?” She ran her thumb over the ring that promised him to her.

  “Maybe.” He shrugged with a boyish look that took her back to childhood.

  “What other advice did he give you?” she asked.

  “To kiss you,” he said with a mischievous grin.

  Part of her wanted to launch into his arms and kiss him for all the kisses they’d missed over the years, but would it be the same? It couldn’t be. Her toes wouldn’t curl, her pulse wouldn’t race, the world wouldn’t fade away around them. But she knew she needed to take a chance if she wanted to know what their future held. “Well, we wouldn’t want to go against an elder’s advice.”

  She didn’t even have a chance to lean in before he cupped the back of her neck and claimed her mouth with passion that burned her insides, despite the cold air, and filled her body with want and need as she hadn’t felt for years. But most of all, she felt safe in his arms, loved in his arms, cherished, and all she wanted was to be held all night and never be let go.

  His thumb grazed her cheek, and he moved in closer, claiming her as his own. The passion was palpable. She knew one thing… He had missed her as much as she had yearned for him. And in that moment, she believed. Believed that he was really here to stay and wouldn’t abandon her. They would never be torn apart again.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  The next morning, the sun shone, the birds sang, and the air smelled fresh and clean. Tanner bolted down the stairs. “Hey, Mama. How’s your morning?” The aroma of bacon and pancakes made his stomach growl.

  “Who are you?” She smacked his hand with the spatula before he could steal a pancake.

  He rubbed the sting from his knuckles. “What are you talking about?”

  She turned the knob on the stove, and the flames flickered and then exploded into a dull burn. “I’m talking about the fact that you’re not moping, angry, or carrying on about something. You’re smiling. Did you whiten your teeth?”

  “Mama, stop.” He kissed her cheek, distracting her from one side while he grabbed one of the pancakes.

  “I take it things went well last night with you and Mary-Beth.” She poured batter into the pan with a sizzle.

  “How did you know I saw her last night? I could’ve been hanging with some old friends.” He took a gargantuan bite, consuming half the pancake. Rich, buttery sweet clouds mushed between his teeth. No one had ever made pancakes like his mom.

  “In the tree house? I could see the fire burning out there.”

  He choked and coughed until he managed to speak again. “You knew about our top-secret tree house?”

  “The one you built by stealing wood from the shed construction project?”

  He poured a glass of milk and downed a few gulps before he could answer. “You knew that was us?”

  “The two kids who giggled the entire time and dragged the large pieces, leaving a trail to your secret hideout. Um…yep.”

  “You never said anything.”

  “Neither did your father. He liked that you were having fun, and he liked Mary-Beth. He just wanted you to find your way before you committed to the rest of your life.”

  Her words made sense, but if they had understood how in love he and Mary-Beth had been, would they have done the same thing? “I bought a ring.”

  The spatula clanged against the pan and flipped out, clattering to the floor. “When?”

  “When I came back to get my second load to drive up to Notre Dame.” He gripped the glass tight and prayed that the next time he saw Mary-Beth, she’d be wearing the ring. “She found it last night.” He bent down and picked up the spatula.

  “What did she say?” Mom asked in her I-love-you-no-matter-what tone.

  “That she was glad I hadn’t proposed back then because she could never shine better than me and football. I told her she’s always shined.” Tanner shrugged. “That she wants to get to know the adult version of me.”

  “Sounds like a good idea.” His mom rinsed off the spatula, the water sputtering and ringing in the old pipes. He didn’t even care that it was one more thing that needed attention on the farm. The singing was like a welcome home call.

  He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. “What does that even mean? She knows me better than anyone. Next to you of course.”

  She flipped a pancake, plopped another one on top of the others, and poured the last of the batter onto the griddle. “You both have changed over the years. You’re different people now. There’s no reason to rush into anything. Right?”

  “No, I guess not.” He grabbed a plate and reached for another pancake but got slapped again. “What? I have a plate.”

  “Yes, but your guest isn’t here yet.”

  A warning signal flashed like the neon sign in his head. “What guest?”

  “The one coming up the drive now.”

  He tensed and listened. Sure enough, gravel crunched, so he rushed to the front window of the parlor to peer out in time to see Mary-Beth get out of her car and walk up the front steps with coffee cups in a Styrofoam cup holder. Tanner’s breath came in rapid puffs. He took a moment to calm himself then opened the door. “Good morning, beautiful.”

  “Morning.” She removed a cup and passed it to him. “Try this.”

  His excitement deflated at the sight of her bare finger. She must have noticed, because when he took the cup, she reached for a chain around her neck and the ring swung back and forth from it. “I’ll keep it by my heart.”

  “I can live with that, for now.” He was so sure she was the one and only one, and now that he’d returned there would be nothing that could come between them, so he only needed to be patient until she could see that for herself. Until she trusted that they would make it through lies and future plans this time.

  He ushered her inside and closed the door to avoid any falling leaves swooping inside and onto his mom’s floor. He knew better.

  “Something smells delicious.”

  He leaned in for a kiss, but she pressed two fingers to her lips. “Your mom might see us.”

  “We’re not fifteen anymore. I think it’s okay.”

  She leaned in and gave him a peck and then brushed by him.

  “Talk about a drive-by,” he said, the words dripping in disappointment.

  She half shrugged. “There’s always later. For now, taste that.”

  “What?”

  “The coffee, silly.” She entered the kitchen and held out a cup to his mom. “I brought you a special holiday blend I think will be the signature drink for the wedding.”<
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  “And yours—” she set the tray on the table, removed her cup, and lifted it as if to toast him “—Is a special blend carefully crafted just for you.”

  He lifted the paper cup to his lips but paused. “You’re trying to whisper me, aren’t you?”

  She lifted a brow at him. “Just try it.”

  He sniffed the beverage, analyzing the aroma, and deduced that it had orange and cloves. Not good. He hadn’t been able to even smell cloves since that one night in college. Should he tell her he didn’t like cloves? Based on her expectant gaze, he wanted to like the drink or at least make her believe he did. He took a sip and forced a smile. “It’s good.”

  She collapsed into the dining chair. “You hate it.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “You do. Your ear twitched.”

  He touched his ear. “No, it didn’t.”

  His mom placed the plate of hot cakes on the table. “It did. Just like it always does when you lie.”

  “I have a tell?” He started to realize why he was so bad at poker.

  “A glaring one. What don’t you like about it?” Mary-Beth asked in a sad tone he would do anything to change.

  He sighed and slid the cup toward her. “It has cloves in it or a spice like it. I don’t like cloves.”

  “Since when?” she asked.

  “Since I got food poisoning from a Taiwan restaurant in college. I can’t even smell any type of five spice or cloves or I gag.” He hated being the cause of her sadness. “Why is this so important to you?”

  She held her own cup between her hands. “It just shows how little I know you.”

  “What? That’s crazy.”

  His mom waved the spatula, her head, and anything else that could move at him like an airplane traffic controller.

  Not sure what he’d done, but he understood the warning and went into repair mode. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”