by JoAnn Durgin
About four in the morning, Serenity finally dozed on the sofa until the alarm on her cell phone sounded at seven. Taking her time to get ready, she stood under the shower, praying some more as the warm water flowed over her. She wanted to look pretty for her son, wanted to be worthy of him. Shortly after nine o’clock, she grabbed her small tote bag and the pink plastic sand pail Jackson had given her. It was a gorgeous morning, a morning meant for walking, not too hot or humid.
Serenity arrived at the meeting spot on the beach almost thirty minutes ahead of their prearranged time. The low tide lapped on the beach. As it always did, the sound of the rolling waves brought its own brand of comfort. Dropping her tote bag on the sand, she pulled out an oversized blanket. She shook it out and then smoothed the edges, sitting down in the middle, drawing her knees to her chest.
She never would have dreamed this day possible. My baby boy is alive. Even Deidre with her fanciful imagination couldn’t dream up a scenario as far-fetched as the true events of her life. Only You could make everything come together like this, Lord. The best way to thank the Lord was by forgiving her mother and honoring her sacrifice in raising Justin and keeping him safe. Her heart turned over at the very thought of him.
My son. She’d never get over how great it was to think it, say it, know it, breathe it, live it.
Her heart pounded loud in her chest and she fought to control her breathing. Even though she drew great comfort from her prayers, she was too antsy to concentrate on anything but talking to him, holding him, kissing him. She’d need to restrain herself and not overwhelm Justin with everything all at once. How would he react? Would he shy away from her and run to her mother? If he did, she’d have to be mature and understand it would take time. From what her mother said, he probably hadn’t played with other children or gone to school. If so, was he emotionally or educationally stunted?
“Serenity!”
Hearing her name called, Serenity opened her eyes. Squinting in the sunlight, she spied Jackson walking in her direction. His hand was wrapped around Justin’s. A random observer would think they were father and son with their dark hair, eyes and even the dimples. Watching them, Serenity blinked back her tears. Help me be strong for Justin.
Her heart swelled so fast she thought it’d burst with joy. Justin kicked a spray of sand into the air and laughed. Such a wonderful sound. My son is happy. No matter what had happened the last five years, he radiated the uninhibited joy of a child who’d been loved.
She dragged air into her lungs as the two approached. Jackson’s eyes and gentle smile filled the remaining spaces in her heart.
Lord, please be with us.
In her soul, she knew He was. He’d been beside her every single step of the way. A long journey, but one that led to this beautiful moment she wanted to always remember.
Lowering her head for a few seconds, Serenity whispered words of thanks. Thank You, Lord, from Whom all blessings flow.
“Mommy?”
Serenity looked up into the sweet, expectant face of her son.
~CHAPTER 44~
Jackson stretched out his hand to her. Grabbing hold of him, Serenity quickly rose to her feet. She hoped she’d absorb some of his strength as he stood next to her. A sudden, unexpected awkwardness overcame her and she stared wide-eyed at Jackson, not knowing what to do. Her parents stood on the beach a hundred yards away, looking on and holding hands. She felt dizzy again and swayed, putting her hand over her forehead.
“It’s okay,” Jackson said, his voice low as he moved beside her, one hand supporting her arm. “You’re fine.”
“Are you sick?”
Justin’s question shook her into reality and Serenity dropped to her knees. “I’m fine. Hi, Justin. I’m Serenity.”
“You’re my mommy.”
“Yes,” she said, swallowing hard, “I am. And you’re my son. We have a lot of catching up to do.” She restrained the urge to gather him close and never—ever—let him go. She forced a smile. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to meet you.”
Her son’s dark eyes, so like his father’s, roamed over her face, drinking her in, memorizing her. “You’re beautiful pretty, like Doc Jack said.” He fingered her hair. “I like your hair.”
“Thank you.” A sob caught in her throat, and Serenity moved one hand over her mouth so she wouldn’t cry out loud. Was there any protocol for a situation like this?
“Don’t cry,” Justin said, putting one small hand on the side of her face. Touched by his tender gesture, she summoned every last ounce of strength not to burst from pure happiness. Her son had inherited such a tender heart. Or was such a thing innate or a learned behavior?
I’m so blessed he’s mine, Lord.
“She’s not crying because she’s sad, Justin,” Jackson said, his voice as gentle as she’d ever heard it.
Serenity nodded and swallowed her tears. “The happiest I’ve ever been.”
Justin took a step closer and wrapped his arms around her neck, laying his head against her shoulder, his dark, beautiful curls splayed over her cotton top.
She ran her fingers through his hair. Not wanting to be maudlin, she inhaled a deep breath. “I’ve brought my sand pail that Doc Jack gave me. Would you like to help me build a sand castle?”
“Yeah!”
“It’s pink,” she said, pulling it from her tote bag. “I hope you don’t mind.”
Justin scrunched his face. “Pink is for girls, but you’re a girl, so I guess it’s okay. Thanks!” Grabbing the pail, he took off running toward the shore.
“I like his reasoning,” Jackson said with a light chuckle.
“Can I cry now?” Serenity asked, choking on more tears. “I’m trying really hard here, Jackson, but he’s the most beautiful child I’ve ever seen.”
Without speaking, Jackson lifted the corner of his shirt and offered it to her. She half-laughed, half-cried as she mopped her wet cheeks with the back of her hand. They watched as Elise and Clinton joined Justin and found a spot a few feet away from the waves. Mama helped Dad lower to his knees in the sand. Laughing. Smiling. A family.
“They’re making a sand castle,” she murmured.
“Sit with me a few minutes and then we’ll go join them,” Jackson said.
When she dropped down to the blanket, he settled beside her.
“Your son’s incredibly smart and well-adjusted considering his unusual environment the last five years. I’m not sure how much he knows, but in time, he’ll be told. When he’s mature enough to accept it or when he starts asking questions.” Jackson traced a cross-hatch in the sand and, using one finger, drew an “x.”
A sudden breath of air whipped strands of her hair across her cheeks. Pushing them aside, Jackson planted a sweet kiss in their wake.
With her finger, Serenity circled an “o” in the sand. “Mama probably did a better job raising him than I would have done.”
“You can’t know that.” He added another “x.”
She felt his brown-eyed gaze on her. “Oh, I think I do.” She drew another “o.”
“We’re going to take you to dinner at Chez Ross tonight,” he said, etching the final “x” in the sand and then drew a long, slow line through the three. In her distracted state, she hadn’t paid attention and he’d won easily. “Justin has something very special to give you.”
“I’ve had enough surprises to last a while. Tell me now, so I can be prepared.”
“Sure about that? It’s a great surprise.”
How she loved Jackson’s lazy grins. “Yes, I really want to know,” she said.
“Okay, then. Since you insist. Elise made a huge memory album with photos detailing every week of Justin’s life, and she kept a journal. She took meticulous notes, detailing every milestone in his life, large and small. There’s a DVD, too. From what your mom told me, she recorded him turning over, crawling, learning to pull himself up, his first steps, everything.”
She nodded slowly, her mind churning with thoughts and
questions. Accusations she didn’t welcome took precedence in her cluttered mind. “Have you seen these things?”
“No, but she’s mentioned it several times.”
A sudden surge of emotion struck her with such force it could have blown her down. Taking a gasping gulp of air, her heart sputtered and she lifted her eyes to his. “Jackson, how do you know all these things?”
His mouth went dry and Jackson slicked his tongue over his lips. This was the defining moment. The moment he’d dreaded but knew would arrive sooner or later. The moment they needed to overcome in order to move forward with their relationship.
“I can’t say,” he said.
“What do you mean?” Although her voice remained calm, she’d raised it a notch.
“I mean”—he turned to meet her gaze head-on—“I really can’t say.”
She frowned. “Not a good time to clam up on me now.”
“Exactly what I said. I. Can’t. Say. Trust me when I tell you I have my reasons.” He could tell she was more confused than ever. When the clouds cleared, she’d figure it out, but until then, anything was possible. He’d never seen Serenity truly angry with anyone or anything. Early on, she’d been aggravated with her dad, but that was understandable. Even in her hospital room, she’d been remarkably controlled with her mother. Sure, she’d lashed out at her, but that was realistic. But she’d maintained her calm and managed quite well, considering. He’d been very proud of her, not sure he had the right.
“You’d met Mama before we saw her on the street with Justin yesterday afternoon?”
He remained silent, avoiding her eye contact. Hating every second. Love should trump professional ethics, but neither should it be a choice. That niggling little voice inside his head urged him to go ahead and tell her. He loved this woman. How could it be wrong? If she figured it out all on her own, who was he to refute it?
She’ll resent you at the least, despise you at most.
Jackson’s shoulders sagged, and his jaw tightened to the point where he thought it might snap. Oaths before the board meant something. They were important for his professional honor. What about your promise to the Lord you serve? The Lord you love more than life itself? As strong as his love was for Serenity—a love which grew deeper, richer and more intense each day—he would not violate his word to man and especially not his God. If he did that, he wouldn’t be able to stand with any semblance of loyalty, honor and dignity. In that case, he might as well have died in Afghanistan.
“I think it’s time to go and join them,” Serenity said, pushing to her feet. Her words were clipped, alerting him to the tempest raging inside her. Starting to walk away, she paused and turned. He couldn’t begin to decipher her expression. Confusion. Bewilderment. Betrayal wasn’t there….but Jackson knew it might very well hover just around the bend. In the corners of her mind, the dark place she wouldn’t want to go. A place where he didn’t want her to go and prayed she didn’t. A place she’d reach and it was there she’d face the decision that could change the course of his life.
Lord, help her to see I can’t tell her. Help her to know why.
“I think it’s best if I meet with Justin at Mama and Dad’s house tonight.”
“Fine,” he said. “Not a problem.”
“Alone, Jackson. It’s best if you don’t come.”
His mouth gaped as she turned her back and walked away.
~CHAPTER 45~
Serenity’s steps felt heavy, weighted down. She had that odd sensation again, as though she was moving in slow motion. Observing from a distance. While she wanted to be an active participant, something held her back. Fear? Shock? Justin needed his mother, not a shell-shocked woman incapable of taking care of either one of them.
“Everything okay?” Elise asked.
“That’s the question of the day, the week, the month...” Serenity shook her head as she took her place beside her mother. “I’m sure you get the picture.” She glanced at Justin. Giggling, he talked with Clinton like they were long-lost buddies as they worked on the sand castle. “What a beautiful sight. One I never would have imagined. Until now.” She moved her gaze back to her mother, uncertain whether she should thank her. For so long, she’d been riddled with doubts, guilt, accusations. Acceptance and forgiveness could be a tricky proposition. Were there any road maps or guidebooks for dealing with conflicting emotions in a situation like hers?
Read my Word, child. There you’ll find your answers. A chill ran through her. Was that the Lord whispering in her heart or was she truly going crazy?
Elise nodded. “The best sight in the world, other than seeing you with Justin.” She handed her the sand scooper. “Justin assigned me the task of digging the moat. You’re supposed to build a tower.”
“A tower?” Serenity asked, trying to ground her thoughts in the reality on the beach, surrounding her. Taking the scoop, she speared it into the damp sand, ripe for digging and molding. “Why? To imprison someone?” Dumb question. She was thankful Justin wasn’t paying attention to them and hadn’t heard.
“No,” Elise said, her voice low. “More like to set someone free.”
“That makes no sense.” Curling her hands around the sand, Serenity fashioned the beginnings of a round tower. “Then again, a lot of things don’t make sense right now.”
“I’ll tell you a little story that might help put it in perspective.” Elise continued digging in the sand, and a narrow, shallow trench was taking form. A perfect moat. “Justin has a great imagination. He’s been reading above age level since he turned four. We had a lot of fun making up bedtime stories, too. One of his favorites is about a young prince who lives in a tower bedroom in a castle far, far away.”
“In a kingdom called Croisette Shores?”
“We never named it, actually.” They shared a smile. “He called it the tower of his imagination. You see, when he was in that tower, he could do anything, be anything, go anywhere, be anyone. One night he’d pretend he had the ability to fly. Another night, he’d possess the power to scale tower walls. He loved riding the flying, fire-breathing dragons. Each time he told the story of the prince in the tower, he’d add something new. Sometimes it was more mundane. He’d speak in a foreign language, meet a new playmate, ride a bike…you name it.”
“So, you’re saying the tower was his escape, his gateway to a different world where anything was possible?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” As they worked together, side-by-side, Elise nudged her shoulder. “I’ll tell you something else. Justin’s favorite story? It was about a beautiful princess with long blonde hair named Serenity.”
Serenity laughed under her breath. “I’m afraid I’ll be a big disappointment to him if he thinks I’m goodness and light all the time.”
“Trust me, he knows that. I kept him as sheltered as I could, but I also made sure I grounded him in reality. But he’s still only a very young boy. Let’s try to keep him that way as long as we can. I took him places, like your dad and I used to do with you. I’ve tried to cultivate a love of history, of the wonders of architecture, the marvel of what God’s made. Justin’s been to New York countless times. I’ve tried to encourage a love of the finer things in life.”
“How’d you manage that?” Serenity asked. “I mean, knowing your circumstances.”
“We always had a chaperone, but they kept their distance. We were never allowed to be alone, just the two of us. So, in a way, we were imprisoned, too. But, above all, I wanted Justin to feel safe. I never wanted that child to feel as though we were in any kind of danger.”
“Were you afraid?”
Elise flinched. “There were times, yes. But I clung to God’s promises, Serenity. Before I left Croisette Shores with Liam, I saw my Bible, forgotten in a drawer. Something—most likely the Holy Spirit—cried out to me to take it. And I mean cried out because it was no soft whisper. It was more like a command. For once in my life, I obeyed. Reading the scriptures comforted me.”
Serenity
nodded. “I’ve been reading my Bible. I never realized how things that took place so long ago could have such relevance for today’s world. I can see the strong parallels, and it reinforces how timeless God’s Word is.”
“Exactly. He’s the God of all things, the Ruler of all time.” When she glanced at her, Elise’s eyes were bright with emotion. “It fills my soul with joy to know you’ve embraced your faith and we can share that bond. Did you say this is when you lived in Atlanta?”
“A friend invited me to church. Trust me,” Serenity said with a small laugh, “I’ve got so much to learn.”
“We never stop learning. We’re not meant to know everything in this world, but if we pray and try to live according to His Word, we’ll have a good life. At least the life He wants us to enjoy here on earth. Each person, each moment is a blessing. Sometimes I’d find myself questioning Him and His purpose in being so far from home with your son, but I loved the verse in the Book of Job that says, ‘And to man He said, behold the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; And to depart from evil is understanding.’ There are a number of verses in Job that talk about evildoers. There’s a verse that says, ‘The murderer arises at dawn; He kills the poor and the needy, And at night he is as a thief.’” Elise shook her head. “I tried not to think about the things that went on outside the walls of that house, things that were being ordered, evil being carried out on the orders of an old man I was keeping alive, on borrowed time.” Her mother visibly shuddered.