Being Jolene

by Caitlin Kerry

  I screamed. I mean, I knew who it was but damn the sight of him standing outside soaked from the rain, he looked like an ax murder. So I screamed and then Ty barged in and closed the door behind him.

  “Why are you screaming?” Panic was in his voice.

  “You look like an ax murder!” I yelled back. The adrenaline was still racing through me. I was nowhere close to calm. A crash sounded to my right and I jumped, throwing my hands over my face, hiding from the sound.

  “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Large warm hands covered mine, gently pulling them away from my face. “Jolene, it’s okay.” I was barefoot, making it so I was about two inches shorter than Ty. Enough for me to rest my head on his shoulder as he pulled me in, wrapping his arms around my waist.

  He softly said to me, “I think probably a tree branch hit the side of the cabin. Nothing too scary, right?”

  I nodded, though my heart was still racing, as he put his hand on the top of my head, running it over my bed wrangled hair.

  I slightly pulled away, enough to look him in the eyes. “What are you doing here?”

  It was then I remembered he was soaked to the bone and now so was I. I went to the bathroom and grabbed the only clean towel, handing it to Ty to dry off.

  Ty ran the towel over his shaggy hair. “I was at the station and going to the bunkhouse for bed. When the storm hit, I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  My heart warmed at his sentiment. When you distance yourself from people, you find there are only a small number of them who looked out for you. For me, it was my dad and June. For Ty to come out here and check on me . . . it was a gesture I wasn’t expecting but one I would store away in my memory. A little snippet of kindness done without an agenda in mind.

  The wind howled, reminding me that the storm wasn’t letting up. I knew I couldn’t send Ty back out there in the rain.

  “You should take off your clothes,” I told him.

  He raised an eyebrow at me as he held the towel out to me.

  I smiled back at him. “I meant because you won’t get dry or warm sitting in those wet clothes. I don’t have anything in way of pants but I could find a large t-shirt.”

  I didn’t give him a chance to answer but instead went to my very small dresser and pulled out one of my large sleep shirts. When I turned around Ty was standing there only in his tight boxer briefs. The glowing fire highlighted his body, the shadows and the light from the fire showcasing his sculpted skin and how much this man kept in shape. His hands were on his hips and all I wanted to do was run my hands over his tight stomach and up over his chest, through the course hair that covered it and onto the thick and silky hair on his head. I wanted to feel every part of him, the strength under all of the sincerity and confidence he had.

  I took a few steps towards him and handed him the shirt silently.

  He slipped it on and I frowned at the loss of his beautiful body.

  “Do you want something to drink?” I asked, “I can make hot cider, warm you up.”

  “Sure, Jo, that sounds great.”

  I grabbed a kettle and filled it with water from a jug, placing the kettle in the fireplace to warm up the water. It heated up quickly and I filled the cup with the cider mix, water and handed it to Ty. He took a small sip of the warm drink. I would say there was silence between us, but that’s wasn’t true. Between us was loud wind and pounding rain accented by the thunder. An array of sounds separated us in the tiny cabin.

  I took myself over to Ty and sat next to him on the floor, in the same place I had been before he had stopped by.

  Ty swung the blanket over both of our laps. The fire wasn’t burning as brightly as the logs burned but I didn’t want to move away from Ty to add more.

  “How was your day?” Ty asked me. I felt like he had asked me that question before and the answer led me to practically jumping his bones. I was going to proceed with caution this time.

  Except the talk with my stepbrother came back at me, and I got lost in my head as I thought about my mom. She was sick, or so Troy said. How sick? Did I want to see her? Could I gather the courage to be the braze person I seemed to always project myself as to simply see my mother? The one person who was supposed to love me more than anything. Even though she didn’t. Even though she choose her own happiness over mine.

  “My mother . . .” I started. I took a sip of the cider and started again, “Troy stopped by today and told me my mother is sick. She wants to see me.”

  Ty wrapped his arm around me. We weren’t looking at each other, but I could feel him. For the first time in a long time I felt safe. Wrapped in his arms was like this safe haven. I could speak my fears and know they would be kept in this safe haven. Last week when we had gone hiking, I had thought the lake itself was a little sanctuary, but I was starting to realize it was Ty. It wasn’t a place but really a person.

  I was tired of struggling. I was tired of holding up these walls, these oh so heavy walls. I had done it for protection, but I was starting to wonder who was I protecting myself from? Was it from me? Was I building the walls brick by brick to keep the world out or was it to keep me away from the world? It was like I was afraid of the damage I could do. I watched how much damage my mother inflicted and I couldn’t help but think that if I was my mother’s daughter I was destined to create the same destruction.

  History could only repeat itself.

  But . . . with Ty’s arms around me, the comfort he was giving me, I started to play a different history in my mind. The one where I had a parent who had never given up on me. My mother had broken my dad. He could have easily left me as well. He could have completely shut down but he didn’t. He encouraged me with my art; he made sure I was taken care of. He took care of me while as my life changed, as I sat in a hospital room and was told I would never hold a child that was my own, that had my biological traits. He held my hand and gave me the strength I didn’t have then.

  Ty turned his head towards mine and I could feel his hot breath on my forehead as he lightly kissed me. “What are you thinking?” he quietly asked me. It was amazing I could hear him over the storm. That his voice rang out over the rest of the noise.

  “Wondering why such negative things tend to stick out in my mind. Wondering where the positive is and if I have been ignoring it for who knows how long.”

  Ty lightly laughed, I could feel his body shake. “You’re debating human nature.”

  By now only the dark red embers and the candles around the cabin were lighting up the room. “Sometimes I think it’s me. There are so many things I don’t understand.”

  “Like what?”

  I moved and sat cross-legged so I could face Ty. He was beautiful in this rugged way. I wanted to trace the lines of his face, find every part that made him unique.

  “Like you.” How could I understand something I had tried to avoid for so long?

  “Again, you’re trying to fight human nature. It’s okay if you like me Jolene. This is new to me too. I haven’t seriously been with anyone since Brooke. Don’t fight it though, because then not only do you not understand it, you’re not giving it a chance to be understood.”

  “You came here tonight to check on me,” I stated.

  Ty nodded slowly as it my statement was obvious. “I was worried with the storm.”

  “No one does that for me.”

  “No one checks on you?” He repositioned so he was also facing me. He ran his hands up my bare thighs, pulling my so our knees touched. His hands didn’t leave my legs but instead slowly massaged my legs. I was distracted by his touch, but knew I had to focus.

  “I can take care of myself.” That was the wall I had built speaking, a defense mechanism I had been using for years. If I could take care of myself there was no reason to expect anyone else to do it. Taking care of myself meant not needing this. I had sex, I enjoyed it but I never let it go above the physical connection. Only in tiny pieces did I steal the comfort I needed, when no one was looking. I gave myself moments to let go
as I got lost in a man but never did I talk about it, or let a single touch affect me like Ty’s did.

  “Jo, there is no doubt in my mind you can take care of yourself. And honestly, I don’t need to take care of you. I want you and I to be a team, to be equals. I want you to understand that every so often you won’t be able to take any more on and when that happens, I can be here to lighten the load. Being in a relationship is about lifting the other person up when they can’t. Giving them a helping hand to find their balance once and awhile. Knowing it goes both ways. I don’t want to take away your independence, I just want to be with you.”

  “It sounds simple but I don’t know simple. I can’t comprehend the ability to simply be with someone.”

  Ty took my legs and parted them from being cross-legged, throwing them around him, closing the gap even more between us. His mouth found the soft skin between my shoulder and neck, his tongue lightly licking the spot and then his mouth sucking on it. I don’t know what skills they were teaching men like Ty in the mountains but they could keep it up.

  “We don’t have to figure it out all tonight.”

  My mind tried to focus on his words, but my body could only think of his mouth, of the kissing he was giving my body.

  “I feel so lost,” I said breathlessly.

  “We aren’t lost. No one is lost. Not when you’ve been found. We’re on an adventure.” Then I felt my body being lowered to the wood floor, warm from the fire. The light was practically gone so I could only feel. The feeling of calloused hands running up my shirt and finding my breasts. The feeling of kisses trailing lower and lower, directing the need I felt towards my core. The heat was like the lightening outside, giant white hot flashes that kept catching my off guard. Each touch Ty gave me, each kiss was lightening sparking my body.

  Ty took of my shirt and I was left in only a pair of deep blue panties. He quickly got rid of those. Ty kissed the small part between my hip and the curve that led to area I wanted him so desperately. He looked up at me as he laid another kiss on that small curve. “How you can be lost when I’m here discovering you.”

  Then Ty was between my legs and I rolled my eyes back as he discovered me and made me lose any thought left in my head. The lightening was hot and fast but it was the thunder after that gave me the release I longed for. I felt the release as I voiced my pleasure, the orgasm sweeping through me. Ty’s grip on my waist tightened, anchoring me down when I could have easily floated up into the storm filled sky.

  After the earth shattering orgasm Ty had delivered, I calmed my breath and noticed something. It was quiet. No rain or wind.

  “I think the storm is over,” Ty said as he sat up, grabbing my hand and bringing me up with him.

  “Don’t leave.” My eyes searched his, but the dark made it hard to do. The candles were almost burnt out and I could only see his silhouette. The strong jaw covered with a dark two-day beard, enough to make it noticeable, but not enough to make it defined. It was perfect. He was perfect.

  “I won’t.”

  I breathed in. I didn’t know what was going on with me tonight, why everything was changing and I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head, but I went with it.

  We crawled in my bed. It was pitch black. I opened the window and the overwhelming smell of fresh rain took over the small space. It was a little chilly but the fresh air was worth it. It also gave me a reason to snuggle closer to Ty. As we dwelled deeper under the covers and I felt Ty’s soft kiss on the back of my head, I drifted off, wondering what my thoughts would be like in the morning.

  ***

  I woke the next morning without a warm body next to me. The only thing that was looking at me was Sir Cupcake, the damn black cat that never seemed to go away. He meowed and then nudged my hand with his cold nose. I petted him as he curled up to me and as I moved my hand, I came in contact with a piece of paper. I fully opened my eyes to look over to see my drawings from the night before. The ones of Ty’s daughter, her golden hair braided loosely, about to fall out. It was how I imagined her, the hair falling out of a braid due to a full day of fun and a nap she had as she fell asleep in Ty’s arm. I could see it so clearly. The blonde hair contrasting with Ty’s dark head.

  I saw a hand written note from Ty next to the drawings. I must have left them out last night in plain view. I wasn’t embarrassed but worried about what Ty thought. It had to be strange to have a girl he liked drawing pictures of his kid. I picked up his note and in crisp and neat handwriting it said, “To be lost in this world can be a scary thing, but look at all the discovering you’re doing. You almost captured Annabelle exactly; her spirit and joy stand out in these drawings. For someone so lost and scared, you seem to be facing your fears head on. I took one of these drawings for my week away. I hope you don’t mind. I will see you next Sunday. Remember our overnight trip and all you need to bring is your hiking shoes and warm clothes. Your smile from last night will keep me warm this week.”

  I fingered the note, the paper crisp in my hands. Okay, so it could have been worse. He could have been thoroughly freaked out. Or maybe that was just me.

  Today was Tuesday and that meant I had a little less than a week until I saw Ty again. I was excited for the next weekend and our overnight trip, whatever it was going to be. At times I felt like I knew Ty, that being around him was easy. It was like I had always known him. But there were still many things that remained a mystery. I knew he worked for the Forest Service but didn’t know what exactly. I knew he had a daughter, but I didn’t really know how he parented or what his commitments were to her. I knew he had a large family, but I didn’t know how much of an impact that had on him.

  Did that mean he wanted more kids than Annabelle? Because I could never give him that. I didn’t even want to adopt. I was perfectly okay with being kid-less. Today’s society demanded that a family was a husband and wife and children. There were no ifs, ands, or buts. I wasn’t really keen on the kid idea even before my miscarriage and then after it happened it was another reminder that maybe my purpose in life wasn’t to have my own children. Maybe my purpose was something else, something more and I was still waiting to see what it was. The question was would I be okay being a stepparent? I didn’t even know what I would have to do, what role I played. Because from the sounds of it, Annabelle had three wonderful parents. Did she really need me butting in?

  I knew the morning would bring light and under the light I wouldn’t be able to hide my fears. Ty was right, taking my pencil and drawing Annabelle was a way to face my fears but it was only a small step

  ***

  I had gotten a text from June saying she was coming up to Gypsum for the day. No explanation or anything but I figured if she was driving all the way up she was probably having a June freak out. I loved my best friend but that girl could create worry like no one’s business. I took off early to meet her and as she pulled up and got out of her car I gave her a huge hug. I didn’t realize that while she had come up because she needed me, I also needed her. Apparently I was borrowing June’s ability to worry.

  “Holy crap I’ve missed you,” she said as she squeezed the life out of me.

  “I’ve missed you too,” I replied.

  We walked out to the dock and sat on the little bench out there, watching people take out their kayaks and stand-up paddle boards out onto the lake.

  “I have so much to tell you,” June said.

  “I figured as much if you had to come up here instead of calling me on the phone.”

  “Yeah and I needed to clear my head. I figured fresh mountain air would help.”

  I nodded, because I was soon figuring that out. The fresh air and these mountains were a place that could help clear your head.

  “Do you want to get out on the lake?” June suggested.

  We rented a canoe and both of us paddled out into the middle of the lake. It was a calm day, not too many boats on the water. Few enough the water was calm and we are able to float there in the canoe. June turned around t
o face me. She reached into her bag and pulled out two bottles of beer, throwing me one.

  “Alright girly, we’re on a boat, we have beer, now tell me what’s going on.” I said to June as I twisted off the cap from the bottle.

  “I think Reece is going to propose.”

  My mouth dropped and my eyes went wide. “June! That’s so wonderful! Congratufreakinlations!” Reece was an amazing guy and I knew he was head over heels in love with my best friend. Those two were made for each other.

  My joy was written all over my face but June’s face was straight and had little joy.

  “What? Why aren’t you happy about this?”

  June paused. I counted down- in three . . . two . . . one . . .”I am way to young to get married! We’ve only been dating for like a year and half and part of it I was in South America. How the fuck am I suppose to get married right now? And I found out about the proposal by accident and what if he gets pissed off that I already know? I mean this is the rest of my goddamn life and I could be making a mistake. What if we out grow each other and get divorced after having two kids because we thought it was the right thing to do, but it wasn’t because we were too young to get married. We didn’t fucking know!”

  She took a big breath but before she could continue I swiped my hand in the water and splashed her in the face.

  “What the fuck was that for?!” June said as she wiped the water off her face.

  “God, you swear like a sailor June. More when you’re in panic mode. Calm your shit down, bestie.”

  June scrunched her nose and pouted her lips as she gave me a dirty look.

  “Why in the world would Reece proposing bring you panic I don’t know. You two are in love.”

  “Is it enough?”

  I sighed. Was it enough? Was love enough to deal with everything life threw at you?

  “June, I think marrying Reece is an easy decision. Yes, there are going to be times when life is hard, that’s inevitable, but you and Reece can get through anything. You are strong together.”

  “I know. God, I know, but it threw me off guard when I found out.”