Being Jolene

by Caitlin Kerry

  The springs looked inviting, like a little piece of heaven hidden away under the canopy of tall trees. My eyes searched around me, seeing if there was anyone close by. My ears listened to the sounds of shoes on the trail. The only thing I could hear was the water running. My eyes drifted back to the hot spring. There was no one around . . . I shrugged and lifted off my shirt. A nice soak would be perfect to top off my run. I figured there was no need to get any of my clothes wet, so I stripped off every piece of clothing, leaving me naked.

  I dipped my toe in, the hot water burning. What was the point to gently get in? I shook my head at my cautious self and climbed in the hot water. My sore muscles reacted at first but as I settled down, the water hitting coming up to my collarbone, I could feel myself relax. I wiggled my toes into the mud type dirt at the bottom of the spring, clouds of dark sand filled the water. It was warm enough outside I could air dry when I got out. But for now, I only wanted to sink into the steaming water. There was no bath in my cabin, but who needed one when you had this out in your backyard. My hands wondered through the water, creating gentle ripples. I took my hands and cupped the hot water coming from the spring, bringing it up and spreading it to flow over my bare shoulders. Sinking in deeper the water came up to my neck. Being in the water felt freeing, like I was floating in a make believe world of warmth and comfort. It almost felt like the times I was wrapped up in Ty’s arm, the water surrounding every part of me.

  I closed my eyes and took in the scents of the wildflowers, the sounds of wind in the trees and the feeling of the water. An oasis, one that healed your soul. This whole place, every mile of granite filled mountain had this magical healing power. I was dreading when the season was over and I had to leave. Going back to my life in Boise, while it wasn’t a bad life, well it would be one without these mountains, a life without Ty.

  Oh how quickly I had fallen. Not just in love with Ty, but how fast my wall dropped and I let him in, every broken crevice that made me who I was. Ty’s healing powers rivaled the mountains. It was grander than the soaring peaks, warmer than the hottest of hot springs, and more comforting than the prettiest wildflower.

  I had fallen in love with these mountains, but I was overpowered, sinking into the depths of Ty. I wanted to drown in him, let him take away all the pain. I wanted to drift to the bottom, never to see surface again. Down here, under the loud noise of life, there was peace. In the fields of wildflowers, deep in the woods where no one ventured, I wanted to meet Ty, under the stars and spend our lives lost, only to find each other over and over again.

  As I opened my eyes, the sun was gone and the sky was on its journey to a deep blue. My fingers were starting to get wrinkled from sitting in the water. I heard a crunching sound behind me and I wrapped my hands around my breasts. When I turned around I was not expecting to find the glorious man wearing black and grey flannel. Ty towered over me, his hands sitting in his jean pockets.

  “Hey stranger.” That gruff voice filled my dreams and I almost didn’t believe that he was actually standing here.

  My hands fell my breasts. There was no reason to hide from Ty.

  “You found me.”

  Ty nodded. “I did.”

  “How?”

  Ty drew this thumb over his full lips. Missing him also meant missing those lips and my hands on his body. I was craving his touch. Ty moved his hand down to the top button of his shirt, slowly unbuttoning each one.

  “You led me right to you. I saw your footprints in the trail. You went right on the trail. My guess led me here.”

  “Lucky guess.” I couldn’t tear my eyes from Ty as he shrugged out of the shirt, then taking the white under shirt and pulling it over his head. Seeing him with his well-defined chest sprinkled with dark hair matching the week old beard, well it was a sight I never got tired of.

  “Lucky me,” he answered as his hands lingered on the button of his pants. Teasing me, he was teasing me and I could see it in the glint of his eyes and the smirk he was giving me. He knew what he did to me. The problem was never the chemistry between us. No, it only made it that much harder to let go.

  I moved myself to the small waterfall and sat next to it, letting the hot water fall onto my breasts. Two could play at this game.

  Ty licked his lips and it took everything in me to not get up and tackle him to the ground. I was able to restrain myself, barely. Ty, finally, unzipped his pants, pulling down both those and his boxers. His erection jutted out, reminding me I missed that too. I felt no shame in the blatant staring I was doing. He had the strongest thighs; it was one of my favorite parts of him. One of, I should say, I had many. Ty wasted no time getting over to me, the water making small waves around us.

  “I missed you,” came from my lips. It was only a whisper in the dark. A confession of the truth I held inside me.

  Ty’s hand grazed my shoulder, then fully moved up my neck, resting on the back curve of it. It was dark, but enough light was still hanging around so I could see his hazel eyes. It was me that moved in, our lips connecting for the first time in more than two weeks, though it felt like a lifetime. We kissed, exploring each other like it was the first time. I could feel the heat behind Ty’s kisses, but they were still sweet and soft, not rushed.

  The hand not holding the back of my neck went in search of my breasts. Ty’s large hand covered my skin, finding that my hard nipple as he rubbed it between his fingers, twisting and soothing it over. I groaned into his mouth and that only invited him to thrust his tongue in deeper, the intensity taking over. My hands found him, hard and ready, as I ran my hand up and down in a slow rhythm. This time he pulled back, his eyes closing. “God, Jolene, your touch is addicting.” His head went into the crook of my neck as I increased my speed and his mouth latched on my neck, sucking and licking in a passionate frenzy.

  “I have to be inside you,” he breathed out. I couldn’t agree any more. Ty took my waist and switched positions so I was now straddling him. We aligned at the perfect position, but I wasn’t done teasing him. It had been a long two weeks. As I sat on his thighs, I took his mouth. Wondering hands found me wet and ready, his fingers dipping in, rubbing me to a point where I had to pull away from his mouth to let out the breath I was holding.

  “Not seeing this face every day might kill me,” Ty said, his fingers curling inside me, finding that sweet spot. I couldn’t speak, and thinking was out of question. There was only feeling. Everything else faded away, so far far away. I was placed in my perfect world, where Ty and I were always connected, our souls dancing above us. I lifted my hips as his fingers left me. I needed him inside me as much as my next breath. Lowering myself on him, feeling how full I was with him inside me, was perfection. It was more than a quick release I had searched before. Right now. This moment. It was everything. I moved my body, my hips, anything to feel him over and over again. He matched my movements, thrust for thrust. No words flowed from us, only heavy breathes and our moans filling the air. Our eyes locked and I could see how intense his stare was. I wasn’t afraid of it, as I increased my movements and found that one moment where bliss took over. Every worry melted away, left my mind. The only thing keeping me on the ground was Ty. He followed me—he found that moment when everything breaks and the only thing you have left is the fleeting pleasure racking through your body.

  Our joining of bodies almost felt otherworldly, like I was watching it outside my head. Under the dim stars, I saw two lovers clinging on to the hope that everything would work out. Clinging to each other as the world was shut out and passion took over thought, letting the worries that overtook their mind step aside, if even for only a few minutes.

  It was devastating and beautiful to watch. It broke your heart and made you hope that you could put it back together.

  My thoughts came back and the passion dripped out of my body. I rested my head on Ty’s chest, still connected. Letting go, it would destroy me. Would it be worth it in the long run? Was I protecting myself or only letting myself die a little inside
. Who would put the life back into me?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Ty

  It was dark by the time we made it back to the cabin. Jolene’s clothes were soaked, but it was only us there, so she didn’t care. It was quiet on the walk back, and I could feel the tension between us. Being together, it was a band-aid for the problem. Even if for only a moment it covered it, we still had problems to face. We held hands the whole way back. Letting go felt like I would lose her. She would run off into the woods, never to be seen again.

  Jo went to the small shower to wash off and I started a fire. I also took off my clothes, leaving me only in my boxers. I wanted to join her in the shower, but knew how small it was. Sadly, there was no way two would fit in there. She came out shortly and I took her place. Washing off the hot spring felt like I was washing off what happened between us. It felt wrong. Having her like that, it was the most right thing I had done all summer. Words weren’t as powerful to Jolene. Not when her mother had made countless promises that were only broken. Actions made Jolene stronger, showed her she didn’t have to do this by herself.

  Turning off the shower, I dried off and walked out to the couch. My clothes were drying next to the fire, but I grabbed the boxer shorts and threw those on, sitting next to Jolene. I took the same large shirt I had worn of hers before and slipped it on.

  “How was your assignment?” Jo asked as she sipped hot tea.

  “Good.” Small talk. Before it was as easy as anything. Now, I could feel the strain. We had no idea what to say to each other.

  “Jo . . .” It was time for action. Words had impact, there was no doubt about that, but it had to be with action.

  “Hold on a sec,” I told Jo as I went and grabbed what I had placed next to the door.

  “Here.” I held out the journal to Jolene when I walked back in.

  “Where did you get this?” She didn’t take the journal, only stared at it.

  “I read it.” I didn’t make excuses for it and I wouldn’t apologize for butting into her business. The spine was falling apart and there was string around it, holding the pages together. Inside, though, was the turbulent and rewarding life of Maggie, Jolene’s great grandmother. Reading this was seeing Jolene if she lived over a hundred years ago. The resemblance between them was almost spooky.

  “What if I didn’t want you to read it?”

  “I don’t regret it. It gave me some insight.”

  Jo finally took the book, ran her hand over the old cover.

  “If fell out of your bag when you got out of the truck. I took it with me, read the whole thing.”

  Jo nodded to the bundle of paper and rolled prints I was holding in my hand. “And those?”

  First I held up her drawings. “You left these for me. You drew our summer, every moment and left it for me to see. To me, that’s your action, Jolene. Taking the time, putting your passion and your feelings on paper, that says something. Do you see that?”

  Jolene reached out to the drawings and I handed them to her. I watched her shuffle through the images, ones done by her hand. “It seems perfect on paper, even with its flaws.” Jo said as her hands swept over each drawing, like she was remembering all over again how each scene made her feel. I knew what she was doing, because I had done the same thing.

  “We can make more of those. You can live a life with me full of inspiration,” I pleaded with her.

  “We could . . .” Jo started, “but all of my fairy tales, my happy endings have been taken away from me. I’ve had to start all over again on my dreams.” Her gaze met mine.

  “Dreams are endless, Jo. It didn’t take me long to know that my dream, what I want for the future changed and it included you. Yes, you’re right. We don’t know what the future holds and that can be scary, but you can’t control it.”

  “I know, Ty. There is so much I can’t control. Life has told me that time and time again, but that’s the point. I control what I can and I don’t want us being together to have unintended consequences.”

  “Tell me that you love me.”

  “Ty-”

  “No, tell me. I know you feel it.”

  “Ty . . . Yes, okay. I love you, but-”

  “No buts, Jolene. Life will do that enough for you. Together we love each other. And every day we wake up knowing that. That love? The partnership we’ve created? That fuels us to take each day as it comes, to face whatever uncertainties lie ahead.”

  I didn’t let her speak, didn’t want to let her doubts shadow it all. I pulled her to the table and spread out the plans in front us, placing cups on each corner to prevent it from rolling up.

  “You heard Avery ask about the cabin. I had planned on telling you about it, but I was waiting for a couple additions and they weren’t ready yet.”

  Jo didn’t speak. I barreled on, “This is the blueprints for a cabin I want to build on my land. More permanent than the trailer. Before, this only had two bedrooms, one for me and one for Annabelle.” I pointed to a drawing on the blueprint. “This was the side porch, where I could put wood or things like that. I went back to the architect and asked for a few changes. I expanded the porch and enclosed it. It faces the east side of the mountains, but with it enclosed I would put in two large windows. I moved the open porch to the other side.”

  Jo lowered her head, still clutching the journal and drawings close to her chest, examining the blueprints.

  “Why are you enclosing it?”

  “Think, Jo.” She had to say it.

  “It would make a really nice studio,” she mumbled to herself.

  She was getting it. “What, sorry I couldn’t hear you?”

  I was standing behind her, so close I could feel the large breath she took in. “You built me a studio.”

  “I want to, yes. If you’ll let me.”

  Jo shook her head, but I put my hand on her shoulder. “Let me, Jo. You know you thrive here; you’re like one of those wildflowers that bloom in the right environment. This is your environment, with me.”

  She rolled her shoulders back and I reached down to the take the journal from her hand. I unraveled the string carefully, trying to not disturb the pages. I opened it to a page closer to the end. “Read this.” I pointed to a passage. “Out loud.”

  “Ty-”

  “Do it for me.”

  She didn’t face me, but her delicate fingers traced over the words, worn and barely eligible, but enough to each word written in messy cursive.

  “There are two things that are certain in life. One, is that life will one way or another, sorely disappoint you. The other is each season will always come. Winter will be long, it will be dark and you wonder if you will ever see the sun again. Spring will be messy, but under the dead leaves and dull landscape, new life emerges. Summer will flourish and you will think anything is possible. Life is prosperous then as it blooms in full color. Fall will remind you that all that is good, doesn’t last, it has to take a break and rejuvenate. It’s a cycle. At times, a viscous cycle that takes and takes, never giving back.

  In that cycle, the ups and downs of prosperity and sorrow, you will need to find your spring, the flow of water that never stops. That one person, thing, or whatever you deem, that centers you. It’s the light in the winter storm, the small green leaf deep under the dead leaves, the star in the summer sky and the changing colors of the trees. All constants. Find it, hold onto it. For that constant keeps you safe, keeps you alive and it keeps the hope.”

  “Let me be there for you. For every season, for every second, no matter what happens.”

  She slowly turned around. I ran my hand over her dark hair and then moved down, cupping her cheek and bringing her gaze up to mine. “Say yes. Say you’ll do this with me. Take each day with me.”

  Jolene was silent, but I could see her mind working. I could only imagine every horrible thought preventing us from being together running through her head.

  “Let it all go.” I had told that to her once before when she had sat under t
he tree in my childhood home.

  “I can’t give you children,” she told me.

  “I know.”

  “I don’t want any more kids,” she said.

  “I know.”

  “I want you to see Annabelle and I don’t want to you to sacrifice your time with her for me.”

  “I know. I won’t,” I promised her.

  “My happily ever after doesn’t look like others.”

  That one made me smile. “I know.”

  “I’m not good at the whole family thing. I might get overwhelmed, and sometimes I might forget that we’re a team and that I’m not alone.”

  “I know. And it’s okay. We’re learning how to be a team together.”

  She nodded her head and gripped the hand that was holding her cheek.

  “You have to say it, Jo.”

  She paused and I held my breath.

  Waiting. Hoping.

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  I had to hear it. I nodded my head, prompting her to keep going.

  “Yes, Ty. I want to be with you. I might be down right no good at it, but I want to take that risk. I’ve had only myself to rely on, but, I’m starting to realize I don’t have to carry that burden. That we’ll keep each other safe.”

  “I love you,” I whispered to her, “and I’ll love you every day, even when they’re hard. I can’t wait to experience every day with you.”

  I leaned my head down and gave her a gentle kiss, one that sealed the words spoken. It was our promise made only it front of each other.

  Jolene leaned back. “Where do we go from here?” she asked me.

  I smiled. “Wherever life leads us.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Jolene

  “We spent a few short years in the mountains. The mines only gave us what it was willing to give. But that time up there, it changed me, never letting go. I would always be grateful for that.”–From the diary of Maggie Brown, 1900