Elements of Ruin (Hijinks Harem Book 2)

by C. M. Stunich

  “I don't know, I just thought … like … um …” I don't know what I thought. I hadn't had enough wine or coffee to deal with this magical bonding crap, and now that I thought about it, my throat was really hurting from bio-dad's claw wounds. Guess I shoulda let the weirdo heal me, huh? But like, gross.

  “Wait, does this mean Dustin is someone I’ve fucked before as well? Because I swear, I have not slept with that many guys for this to all be even remotely plausible.” I folded my arms under my breasts and sat back with a huff. Fucking hell, I was besties with two of the most promiscuous women in this entire bloody state and yet it was my sex life coming back to bite me like a bad case of chlamydia.

  “So that's what happened with Max? I always knew you hadn't seen the last of him. He was so damn smitten with you. Well, that and the fact that he reeked of elemental, so he was like the first thing I thought of when I realized what you were, too.” Siobhan pushed her hair out of her face and took a sip of her coffee. Damn beautiful bitch. In hindsight, my friend's unnatural beauty really should have tipped me off sooner. Especially with how much she could eat and yet remained rail thin. Definite supernatural power right there.

  “Right, well, thanks for filling me in,” I muttered, a bit sourly. I mean seriously. Could none of my supernatural friends have maybe mentioned the fact that Max was one of them? Us? One of us?

  “Sorry, babe. I figured Britt would have told you the second she realized you weren't human. Y'all have been like … glued together like Siamese twins for so long.” Siobhan shrugged like she was totally unaware of throwing Britt under the bus, but I wasn't buying it. Neither was Britt, who shot up out of her seat and grabbed my succubus friend by the hair.

  “Do not test me right now, bitch,” Britt snarled. A wolfish growl rattled through her words and Siobhan's face paled. Never one to back down from a challenge, the succubus curled her lip in a sneer.

  “Who are you calling bitch, furball?” She responded with a mean looking glint in her eye.

  Before I had a chance to stand and break them up, our table had gone flying across the café and my two best friends were rolling on the floor in a tangle of high heels, tits and hair.

  “Yeah! Girl fight!” Someone cheered and I rolled my eyes. Why anyone would find two chicks fighting to be a turn on, I'd never understand. Those bitches were vicious.

  “Ouch, you whore!” one of them screeched, but the voice was too outraged for me to make out which one of them it was.

  “I'm going to rip off your wings and shove them so far up your ass you'll be breathing them!” Ah yep, that was Britt. Always a creative insult thrower.

  Glancing around the café, I tried to work out what I should be doing to get their attention. We were out in public, so anything magical was most likely not a good idea … Oh, I know!

  Snatching up two jugs of ice water from the end of the café counter, I carefully stepped closer to the scrapping women and upended it all over them.

  The howls and shrieks from them made it sound as though I'd just dumped acid on their heads. Fucking drama queens. It worked though, as the two of them untangled from one another and turned their murderous glares on me while their hair hung limp and mascara ran down their cheeks.

  Damn, I had good aim.

  “Uh, ladies?” the barista called out hesitantly, standing at the end of his counter. “I'm going to need to ask you to leave …”

  I nodded an apology and grabbed my sopping besties by their elbows, dragging them out of the café before they could have a go at the poor guy. It wasn't his fault, after all. He was just a barista, not a referee.

  “Come on, we may as well hit up the magic shop for a new glamour while we're out,” I sighed, dreading the nasty rat tail potion, but wanting to get the fuck out of this awful outfit. “I'll text the guys and tell them to meet us there with the cup and knife thingy.”

  “Knife thingy?” Siobhan said with a small sigh and a smile, wiping at the runny mascara on her cheek. “Girl, we need to get you a supernatural compendium so you can brush up on your shit. It's an athame.”

  I shrugged.

  “I was told it was a magical metaphor for a penis so … I'm just gonna call it a dick.” I smirked at her and nodded with my chin. “Now let's get the fuck out of here and grab a glamour so I can take this carnivorous insect jacket off.”

  The witch's shop was open when we arrived, but there was a Shambhala music circle taking place inside. Heh.

  “Welcome to a gathering of peace and love,” the girl near the front door said. “That'll be five dollars, please.”

  “I actually just came into buy something …” I started as Britt shoved her way past, dropped a ten into the woman's palm and sauntered right up to the circle. She parked her (really nice) ass on a beaded cushion and took up a tambourine.

  Mm.

  Siobhan squeezed past and disappeared into the shelves of books on witchcraft and spellcasting, heading straight for a display of … sex magic books.

  “It's five bucks per person to get into tonight so …” the chick said, flowers woven in her hair, her tiny boobs hanging out the top of her beaded white dress. She looked like a hippie flower child on crack and reeked like pot. “So I'mma need another fiver from you.”

  “If this is a gathering of peace and love, why is it bowing to the demands of Western capitalism? Shambhala is an eastern practice that promotes—”

  “Look, lady,” the girl said, her yellow eyes flashing at me. Wait one serious fucking second here … I recognized those eyes, that dark hair … the perky little ears protruding from her skull?! “You want in, you pay up.”

  “Pussy,” is the only word I managed to choke out, and the girl grinned at me, flashing pointy teeth.

  “Pussy shifter,” she corrected, flicking a long, black tail that I swear was not there before. When she caught me looking at it, she cocked an eyebrow. “Rude much? Do you always stare at the tails of girls you like?”

  “Like?” I said, still blinking and trying to make sense of what I was seeing. “I don't like pussy.”

  “Don't knock it till you try it!” Britt called out as I took a step back from the cat shifter.

  Cat shifter.

  Wow. Did you see how easily I used that in a sentence? How sad was my life?

  “You're seeing through my glamour,” the girl told me, sounding irritated and put out again. Definitely seemed like a typical cat sort of attitude to have. Well, either that or a hipster. Hipsters always seemed put out at the idea of having to, you know, work. You know what I'm talking about—that man at the coffee shop with the beard and the man bun that sighs when you order a mocha and rolls his eyes when you ask for an extra shot of espresso? God, I hate hipsters …

  “How?” I asked as she continued to twitch her tail. It occurred to me then that this girl I was looking at had just recently killed a rat, ate it, and left the tail for me to choke down.

  “Because you're using magic,” she said with a dramatic eye roll. There was an implied duh at the end of that, but she was a cat so, too fucking cool to actually say it. “It's a simple enough spell; a kitten could do it.”

  “But I—”

  “Five dollars,” the cat repeated as I sighed and dug into my pockets for my debit card.

  “I don't have cash …” I began, but pussy was already whipping out her iPhone with a Square Reader jammed into the side.

  “No problem. Oh, and there's a three dollar convenience fee for cards.” She stuck my card in before I could protest. Hopefully I had enough money left in the account to cover this. Frankly, I was shocked my Starbucks purchase had gone through (that shit is expensive!). But … liquid gold and all that.

  The cat girl handed me my receipt and I blinked as I noticed her ears and tail fading in and out, ghostly flickers that made my head hurt. Hey, I'd been through a lot lately. Like, a lot.

  No wonder I was drinking like a fish.

  Probably should sign up for an AA meeting or something …

  I w
andered away from the front and followed Siobhan to the back of the store where all the love and sex stuff was kept, keeping an ear out for those bells above the door to jingle. I so didn't want my new husbands catching me prowling through baskets of fertility charms. Ew.

  I quickly stepped away from those ones.

  “I can't believe I was dating your man,” Siobhan said with a long sigh, touching a basket full of hearts carved from different types of rock. They had inspirational sayings on them like Love Makes the World Go Round and Hey, Let's Fuck. Wait … what? I picked that rock up and squinted at it.

  “He's not my man,” I told her as I twisted the stone around and found a nice large phallus carved into the back of it. Huh. Only two bucks? Maybe I could convince one of my broke ass lovers to buy it for me. “He's a stranger I've never met that's somehow metaphysically connected to the group of weird plumbers that invaded my house and won't leave.”

  “Oh, is that all we are, Sugar Tits?” Reg said, appearing from a water spot on the ceiling. Like, I'm not even kidding, he materialized from a dark stain on the white drop ceiling tiles above my head, slithering down the wall in a sea of shimmering water. As soon as he hit the floor, he shifted back into his deliciously asshole-ish self, grinning at me with white-white teeth. “Weird plumbers … please. You've had the best orgasm of your life in the last few days.”

  “Wrong,” I said as I handed him the penis rock and crossed my arms over my chest. “The best orgasm I ever had was with Warden.” The smirk that crossed my lips was short-lived as Reg's face dropped and I heard a sharp intake of breath from behind me.

  “Okay, this is awkward …” Max aka fucking Warden said from my right.

  With a squeak, I spun to face him, feeling the blood drain from my face.

  He was wearing a hoodie, the hood part pulled up over his face, tuffs of black hair sticking out the front. The way he looked at me was … strange, like he had no idea what the fuck to make of this moment.

  Neither the hell did I.

  “Show off,” Billy said as he came up from behind Warden and shoved him unceremoniously out of the way with a muscled shoulder. “Fucking Reg. Couldn't you use the front door like everyone else?”

  “What the hell is he doing here?” I squeaked as I pointed at Warden. “You can't just pop in and out of me whenever you want.”

  “In and out of … you?” Warden asked and I realized I'd just made a really embarrassing Freudian slip. Fan-fucking-tastic.

  “In and out of my life,” I breathed as he took a step toward me, looking like a lost chance, like a terrible mistake, like the man I'd dreamed of for ten long years. “In and out of … my life is what I meant.”

  “Bleeding ballsacks,” he murmured under his breath which, if you thought about it, was actually kind of a gross saying. I mean, the imagery? But I was too concerned about seeing Warden/Max again to think too hard about it. “Look, Arizona, I keep intending not to come back, but …”

  “He's worried about Dusty,” Siobhan said from behind me, drawing my attention all the way around to my winged bestie. When I squinted really hard, I found that I could, indeed, see straight through her glamour to her wings.

  “Why would you be worried about Dusty?” I asked as Billy took up a position beside me, and Shane and George made their way down the aisle toward us. Even from here, I could hear Britt singing some strange chanting song in a disgustingly off-key voice. “How do you know Dusty anyway?”

  As far as I knew, Siobhan didn't actually know Warden. She'd seen pictures of him, heard all my stories, but she'd never met him. And now here she was, telling me that her boyfriend and my ex were somehow connected?

  “I've known about Dustin for a long time,” Warden said, looking at me like he was as weirded out to be having a normal conversation with me as I was with him. I mean, it'd been years. Years. Fucking years. How could we just stand here and chit chat?!

  “Boys, will one of you please buy me the penis rock?” I whispered and then walked away before I could get emotional.

  Warden, of course, followed after me.

  “Satan's snowballs, Ari, wait up.”

  “Leave me alone,” I snapped as I walked up to a random display and picked up a book, turning and thrusting it in his face. “I'm busy searching …” I glanced at the title of the book. Spells to Get Your Ex Back.

  Uh.

  Oops.

  Wrong book.

  I quickly shelved it as Warden folded his arms over his chest and glared at me.

  “This is serious business, Ari. Siobhan texted me when you guys were on your way to Starbucks.”

  “Siobhan texted you?” I asked, trying not to grit my teeth. I had half a mind to cock punch Warden and then walk over and cock punch Siobhan, too. I'd have said tit punch because you know, she technically didn't have a cock, but right now I almost believed if I pulled down her skirt she might—contacting Warden behind my back was a real dick move. “And you two know each other how?”

  “We met when she started dating Dustin. Look, does it really even matter?” he asked with an exaggerated sigh. The smell of him—like cigarettes and soda pop—made my hurt burn like it had an STD. Not a very sexy reference, but there it was.

  “And you knew Dustin how?” I whispered and Warden/Max sighed, leaning his butt against a display of Genuine Voodoo Dolls—Shipped Straight from New Orleans. I had half a mind to cut a piece of that unruly hair of his, pin it to the doll and be done with it.

  “There are ways to sort of … peek at your future soul mates,” he whispered, looking down at the scuffed wood floor. In the background, weird humming emanated from the Shambhala circle. “I found him … because he was the only one that wasn't connected to the rest of you.”

  “The rest of us?” I asked as Warden flipped his hood back, showing off red streaked dark hair and a young, mischievous bad boy face. “You mean me?”

  “I mean all five of you,” he told me with a long sigh, running his fingers through his hair. I could see the rest of the guys and Siobhan lurking at the edges of our conversation, surrounded by crystal pendants and dream catchers, faux wands made of sticks and ribbon, and brooms hand carved by a local artist named Nugget Tit. I kid you not on that last one. “When we first … got together, I had no bloodsucking clue that you were one of us. I just …” He shrugged and blinked eyes lidded with black liner, like the punk-y little badass he was in college.

  I had to try pretty dang hard not to swoon.

  “I just liked you, and you, ya know, took off like a nightingale out of heaven.”

  “The phrase is bat outta hell, Max,” I said and we both paused, this sudden tension in the air.

  He swallowed hard; I swallowed harder.

  My body reacted to his like I'd been drugged, heating up from the inside out, making me swoon.

  “I didn't know you were the elemental until recently. I just didn't want anything to do with these assholes and to be honest, there weren't so many girls I'd fucked that I didn't have at least some idea that the elemental female I was divined to get with and already bonded to was you.”

  “Why do you keep running away?” I asked him, playing with a display of beaded bookmarks.

  “Because I don't want to be a part of all this, Arizona,” he whispered, closing his eyes for a long moment. “I don't want anything to do with them … or with …” Another long pause.

  But I didn't need Max/Warden to fill in that last word—I could take a wild guess.

  You.

  I don't want anything to do with you.

  “Got it, Max. Or I guess I should get used to calling you Warden now. Message received loud and clear, Warden.” I bit my lip to try and hold back the girly tears that were clawing at my throat.

  “Ugh, come on don't give me that face, Smokey …” Warden groaned. “You know I can't stand when you do the pouty face!”

  “Seriously, Warden. It's fine. I'd actually prefer you wait outside if you don't mind? I respect that you're here because you're wor
ried about Dustin but this, right here,” I gestured to the magic shop with the Shambhala circle and the pussy-shifter, “has nothing to do with Dustin. Or you. It's a deeply spiritual ritual and I'd just rather you not infect it with your negativity, thanks.”

  “Ari-Vampari …” he sighed, using yet another one of my old nicknames, “you're being ridiculous. You just need to drink a nasty potion with a rat tail and be done with it.”

  “Outside. Please.” I would not let that old nickname get to me.

  “Ari—” he started again, but was cut off.

  “Bro. Just wait outside like she asked.” Billy's voice held an edge to it that made me look twice at him.

  “Back off, William,” Warden snarled, turning a furious look on Billy. Something about the way the two of them glared at one another was almost …

  “Phew, the sexual tension sparking off of you two is practically electric!” Britt crowed, popping out from behind a stand of books and pretending to get electrocuted when she pressed a finger to my two angry sexy husbands' asses. Wait, one husband, one … mistake. Apparently.

  “'Sup, Maxi Pad?” she greeted Warden. “Long time, no howl. What's cracking?”

  “Balto,” he grinned, wrapping her in a hug and subtly shoving Billy with his shoulder. “I missed you, Dog Breath!”

  Suddenly his nicknames for Britt made so much more sense.

  “What's this I hear you found your mate? Blinking sunbeams on a sidecar, that can't be right. Right?” He gaped at Britt and she grinned wolfishly.

  “Maxi Pad. You would not believe this guy's dick. It is like …” Britt's jaw dropped open to demonstrate her shock at the size of her new mate's junk, but all I could think about was what jokes might be appropriate in regards to how wide her mouth was.

  “Wow, you need your jaw open that far to fit him all in, Balto? That's huge!” Fucking Warden got to the joke before I did. Wanker.

  “Can you all just keep a damn lid on it?” The pussy at the counter called out to us. “We are trying to get in touch with our inner peace over here!” My eyes narrowed at her as she promptly turned back to her iPhone to play Candy Crush. Bitch.