Elements of Ruin (Hijinks Harem Book 2)

by C. M. Stunich

  “We have to rescue the others,” I said, and even as I said it, I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth.

  “Rescue the others?” Warden asked as the heat level in the room escalated—both because Billy was blasting the shit out of some supernatural lizards and also because … Warden had just put his arm around my waist and pulled me close. “Smokey, we need to make like George and leaf.”

  “The phrase is make like a tree and get the fuck out of here,” I corrected, and I swear, I could feel him grinning at me.

  “Are you seriously quoting Boondock Saints right now?” he asked, chuckling. “For fuck's taint, Arizona”—fuck's taint? huh—“you're still as big a weirdo as you always were, huh?”

  “Like you've changed at all in the last eight years,” I snorted, and instead of acting like a weirdo … his arm tightened around my waist.

  “Alright,” Billy said, “open your eyes.”

  And I did and then … wished I fucking hadn't.

  Lizard corpses sprawled all over the walkway and hung from the railing, the pungent reek of burnt flesh amplified by the stink of the sewer and the sight of smoldering bodies.

  I scooted closer to Warden.

  “We have to rescue the other elementals,” I said, wondering where the fuck both my soulmates and my besties were. If I lost a single one of them … I'd be a broken wreck. “If we leave them here, not only does Daniel get his way, but we lose like, half of the females in our species, right? I mean, there are at least ten chicks down there.”

  “She has a point,” Warden agreed, rubbing at his chin, but Billy just rolled his eyes.

  “I don't give a fuck about our species or other people. I just want to save my wife and the rest of my goddamn quint.”

  Warden's face hardened.

  “Sext,” he corrected.

  “Sept,” a voice said in a thick, Irish accent. I tried not to get excited at the sound of Dustin moving up the walkway behind me, but my ovaries were huge fans of his and my nipples agreed. They pebbled into points as I shifted my thighs and clenched them together, totally weirded out at myself for getting so horny in the middle of a life or death situation, one punctuated with burnt lizards and statue people from a dying race.

  “While I think that's really cute of you, Billy,” I started and he raised his gray brows at me, “I'm never having children.” I paused and rephrased. “Never, ever, not in a million years, swear on my dead Gram I am absolutely not having children, so we'd better save the other elementals down there in case one of them wants to breed.”

  “Have you seen that movie Idiocracy?” Dustin said, and I flicked a glance his way. “Bleeding funny. I don't much mind that future anyhow, seein' as I won't be around. Good for you—most spirits can't wait to start makin' their own litters.”

  I grinned at him while Billy rolled his eyes and Warden stayed carefully neutral.

  “I'm not leaving here until we rescue them,” I said, right at the same moment the spell overhead cracked into a million pieces, flakes of gold flittering through the air, like shiny dust motes. The containment spell was gone—and so were my bio parents.

  That scared me.

  Because why show up, intimidate me … and then leave?

  Fuck.

  We'd totally screwed the pooch with this one.

  “Oh shit,” I murmured, yanking myself away from Warden and grabbing onto the metal rungs of a ladder—one that was far away from most of the reeking basilisk corpses. I climbed as fast as I could, my boys close behind me, and hopped into the brackish water below.

  I started to run through the stone garden, checking faces and clothing and most especially crotch and chest bulges (you know, for dicks or tits) as I went because I didn't want to be sexist or genderist and just assume a she was a he or a whatever-the-hell-they-wanted-to-be.

  But as I moved through the silent crowd, the answer was clear.

  “All of the girls are gone,” I said as I made my way back through the statues and found the three elemental men looking at me like I was crazy. Their expressions quickly changed to abject horror. “The women are missing.”

  “They took the spirits,” Warden said, putting the pieces together, his face paling as he raised hazel eyes to me. “They took the goddamn, cock rubbing spirits.”

  Cock rubbing … that was a new one. But okay.

  “They took them to drain them,” a voice said from behind me, and I whipped around to see George looking like a kicked puppy. Well, a kicked puppy with a sexy tattoo and bulging arm muscles and bronzed skin and perfect lips … but still. “They took the spirit elementals and left the others. And we can't wake them up without their lovers' fluids.”

  “Are you … fucking serious?” I blinked at George, and he shook his head, pushing brown hair from his forehead and locking those umber eyes on mine.

  “We need bodily fluids from their spirits to revive them or else … after about a month, they'll all die.”

  I remembered my tears falling on Billy's form and wondered if those were the only sorts of bodily fluids that might work or if … anyway, dirty mind, sorry.

  “So what the hell do we with all these guys?” I asked, gesturing at the multitude of rock-hard men (pun intended, again) standing around me.

  “We let COCS give it to them,” a woman said, and I felt shivers from my head all the way down to my toes. Fuck. It was my MIL.

  I glanced over my shoulder at Joan, striding into the room on top of the yucky water because you know, she was like Jesus of course and could walk on fucking water. Or maybe I was just feeling sour because I'd been too stupid to remember to use my own elemental water powers to avoid standing in poop/pee water also.

  “COCS will be coming inside soon, hard and fast, to take each one of these men.”

  I raised an eyebrow and Warden chuckled beside me, but Joan didn't seem all that amused.

  “And you,” she continued, leveling her stare on me as if this was all somehow my fault. “You've made yourself a lot of enemies already, haven't you? CUM is all over you. I've decided it's not safe for you to stay in your hovel with my beautiful sons. Go back to the house and I'll meet you there shortly.”

  I opened my mouth to protest when Gram's ghost popped up right next to me and made me scream. At least this time, Joan didn't stare at me like a weirdo. Clearly, she could see my grandmother's ghost just as well as I could.

  “She's right,” Gram said, giving me a sympathetic look. “Arizona … CUM is all over our house.”

  Now, call me crazy, given how I had just been waxing poetic about the sheer amount of dick I wanted in and around me all at once, but I wasn't mad about being covered in COCS.

  Then again, hanging out with my dreaded mother-in-law was hardly much better. We'd only just arrived at her and Charlie's opulent mansion and she was already giving me a fucking migraine. First with the lecture on how I sucked as a spirit, and had little to no idea what the hell I was doing with all my magic, then she railed on about my poor taste in clothing, and then she brought out a bag of underwear that she'd purchased for me at Victoria's Secret because she had noticed I seemed to be lacking in panties. Bitch.

  “Now,” Joan was saying when I tuned her back in. “Dwayne is here to check you all over and ensure there were no lasting injuries from your little scuffle in the sewers. So, just sit nicely and let him do his work, please.”

  The look she gave me was like I was some sort of hyperactive kid who had been drawing dicks all over her nice cream walls. Keep giving me attitude, Joan, maybe I will.

  “Ma, we don't need healing,” Reg groaned, “we're fine. We just need to get cleaned up or something.”

  “Well, I certainly can't disagree with that.” Joan's nose pinched like she smelled shit. Oh wait. She probably did. I was pretty sure that's what the brown smear down Shane's arm was anyway.

  “Very well, Reginald, you and a few of the boys go take showers while Dwayne tends to your spirit. She's clearly the weakest of you all so will tak
e the longest to check over.” She raised an eyebrow at me, like she was fucking daring me to argue with her, but I was too damn tired.

  “Whatever,” I shrugged. “I'm not even hurt, so you're totally wasting Dwayne's skill. Billy is the one who got petrified.”

  “Well then, Billy you stay to be seen as well. And you too, George. I see that cut on your leg you're trying to hide.” Joan glared at George and he sighed.

  “Yes, Mom,” he grumbled, making as if to sit down on the couch before Joan made a sharp noise.

  “You are not sitting on my sofa all covered in shit, young man!” she scolded. “Just stand there and wait until Dwayne is done, then you can shower.”

  “Ah, pretty lady,” Dwayne murmured as he approached me with his weathered hands outstretched like bird feet, “again, we meet. Stinking bad, you do.”

  “Uh yeah,” I muttered, “been in the sewer and all.” The other guys had already disappeared the second Joan had told them they could leave. Bastards. At least Billy and George would need to get checked by Dwayne too.

  “Look Dwayne,” I sighed, “I'm fine. Really. Go and sort Billy and George out.”

  Dwayne ignored me, running his wrinkled bird feet hands over my skin and making me shiver in disgust before he finally nodded.

  “Damaged, you are not.” He nodded again, and shuffled his creepy Yoda ass over to Billy, who curled his lip at the little healer man.

  “Leave me be and I'll upgrade your tub to a jacuzzi,” Billy said quietly, and little Yoda man grinned.

  “Also damaged, you are not.” Dwayne nodded and totally skipped Billy in favor of George.

  “Come on, Firebug. Let's get this shit rinsed off,” Billy suggested, giving a little salute to his scowling foster mother and taking my arm to pull me along behind him. As we rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, Warden stepped out of a bedroom wrapped in just a towel.

  “As much as I badly want to join you in the shower, I think I need to have a chat with Warden,” Billy sighed, releasing my arm and giving me a little nudge in the direction of the freshly vacated bathroom. “Go wash up, I'll get George to bring you fresh clothes in a sec.”

  “Alright,” I eyed both of my husbands sternly. “Don't kill each other, and for the love of God, save fucking until I can at least watch.” I meant it as a joke, but it seemed to fall a bit flat as both men glared at one another. Super awkward.

  “And that's my cue to leave,” I murmured, slipping past Warden and into the still steamy bathroom.

  Peeling my shit and piss crusted clothes off was no easy task. Trust me when I say, you do not want to try shimmying out of skinny jeans when they're soaked in sewer water. My leather jacket was fucked too, and I'd lost my cute red stilettos somewhere in the troll rave, probably around the time I exploded magic everywhere.

  Oh well, at least we’re all still alive! That has to count for something … right?

  My long groan echoed through the shower cubicle as I turned on the faucet and felt the pounding water begin to sluice all kinds of crap and oh my fucking god was that used toilet paper that just came out of my hair?!

  “Blossom?” George's voice cut through my horror, and I squeaked in fright. “Are you okay in there? You sound … scared?”

  “Um, yup,” I called back. “Just … cleaning up.”

  “Oh good, I was worried,” he replied, sounding relieved. “Um, we don't really have much time because Mom wants to train you up more before we need to leave for the Seelie Court, so I wondered if you wanted to multitask?”

  Well that sounded interesting. “How do you mean?” I asked, poking my head out of the shower and grinning when I saw exactly what he meant. “Really, George? While I'm in the shower?”

  “Why not?” He shrugged with a cheeky grin. “Maybe we can share? Multitasking and all …”

  “Ugh, fuck yes,” I groaned, holding out my hand to him, “give it to me, baby.”

  “Anytime you want,” he winked back, and handed me the open bottle of wine he was holding. “So, is there room in there for me, too?”

  “Abso-fucking-lutely,” I nodded, taking a long sip from the wine and moaning in ecstasy. Fuck that's good wine.

  Holding the frosted glass door open for George, I eyed him up like a lust-filled rabbit while he stripped off his pants—he'd already lost his shirt somewhere—and slipped into the cubicle with me.

  “Here,” I handed him a bar of soap and a loofah. “Rinse the worst of that shit off while I drink a bit.”

  George nodded, and took the items from me while I perched on the little ledge within the shower to knock back a good third of the bottle of Syrah. Peering at the label, I saw it was from a vineyard in New Zealand, somewhere called Craggy Range. No wonder it was delicious.

  Using the bar of soap and loofah, George quickly scrubbed every inch of himself while I watched. Fuck it was hot. Something about seeing my earth elemental husband all soaped up and wet … hell it was making me wet. And I did not mean from the shower water pounding down on us.

  “Blossom, if you keep looking at me like that …” George muttered in a warning tone.

  “You'll what, Woody?” I taunted. “What about if I did this … ?”

  Sufficiently satisfied that he'd soaped the crap out of himself, and was clean, I slipped off the little ledge and landed on my knees in front of him. Grasping his already erect tree trunk in my hand that wasn't holding the wine, I brought him to my lips and swirled his tip with my tongue.

  “Ari, I don't think we have time,” George gasped, but happily wove his fingers into my wet hair and pulled my face further onto his twig and berries. Well, not the berries, not yet anyway. For now, I was all about the twig. Stretching my lips over his girth, I took him in deep, sucking and licking at his wood until he pulled back out of my mouth with a gasp.

  “Blossom,” he growled, yanking me back to my feet and pushing me back against the shower wall. “We really don't have time.”

  Even as he said these words, his thick cock was slicking between my folds, finding my opening and pushing inside of me with determination born of … days? weeks? How long had it even been since George and I last fucked?

  Too long. That's how long. And damn I'd been missing out.

  All the drama with CUM and COCS and two new husbands was making me miss out on the quiet moments with my other husbands, and I was determined that after this stupid damn wedding was over with, we were taking a goddamn fucking honeymoon. Bio parents be damned!

  “Fuck, yes,” I moaned, as George filled me up, stretching me in all the best possible ways. I could feel him deep inside, moving with even, steady strokes.

  “We need to be quick,” he told me, taking the bottle of wine still clutched in my fist and swigging it, before moving his hips.

  “Fuck quick,” I retorted meaning fuck that, I don't want to be quick. But he misinterpreted.

  “I intend to,” he grinned, took another swig of wine, and then sealed his mouth to mine.

  He hadn't yet swallowed his mouthful of wine, so we shared it while he rooted me against the shower wall. His long, thick twig pounded into me with a fervor and my free hand clutched at his shoulder, hanging on for the ride.

  When I paused in my breathless panting to take another sip of wine, while the water pounded down around us, George lifted one of my legs so that my foot was propped up on the ledge. This allowed him access to both fuck me harder and tease my clit with long, sure bronzed fingers.

  “Holy cocking hell,” I groaned, as my orgasm built and George sealed another sexy as fuck red wine flavored kiss to my mouth. Clearly, I'd been spending too much time with Warden lately, if this was my idea of appropriate cursing when my husband was burying himself deep inside of me.

  “Arizona,” George whispered against my ear, taking my lobe between his teeth and nibbling on my flesh. I moaned like a porn star which was actually sort of great considering I usually sounded like a cougar on the hunt (and by cougar, I mean big cat not sexy older woman looking for
young dudes). Google mountain lion screaming and see what I mean. “Even if you weren't the spirit, I'd have been attracted to you.”

  I wanted to say oh, please, what a line! but … that didn't sound like a line, not from George. No, I wasn't even sure George was capable of delivering lines; he was too sweet. I mean, he fucked like a beast in heat, but he was actually a … gulp … nice guy. And for once in my life, I didn't mean that in a bad way. George was the soothing balm I needed to deal with the rest of these assholes.

  “Oh God,” I groaned as I let my head fall back against the tiled wall of the shower, my body clamping hard around George's cock, muscles fluttering as I milked his shaft for all that glorious seed. But, holy fuck, when I came, clamping down hard, locking him in place, all George did was clench his teeth and ride out the wave of my climax.

  Nice guys really do finish last. And holy shit I loved it.

  As soon as I'd caught my breath and released my stranglehold on his velvety shaft, George grabbed the wine from me and swigged the last of it, tossing the bottle into the sink. He then pulled out of me, turned me around and entered my swollen sex from behind, yanking my hips back so that his balls hit my clit with each thrust.

  George slid his palm up my spine, giving me the chills, even in the spray of hot water from above … and off to the side … and the other side. Like, there were jets everywhere in that bathroom. That was to be expected, right? I mean they were supernatural plumbers, weren't they?

  I hadn't forgotten that part.

  “Give me your seed, George,” I groaned, but I didn't mean, like, to get me pregnant. It was another pun. See, even in the heat of passion, I was hilarious. But oh … that humor didn't last long because George was fucking me so hard, I was seeing stars. Glancing back, a curtain of wet blonde covered my eyes and I squinted through it, trying to get a view of the bronze-skinned sex god nailing me to the wall.

  I decided I'd have to wait for a different moment—maybe a guy on guy moment where I was just watching—to properly marvel at his beauty. Instead, I relaxed and let him screw me into a second orgasm, my nails gouging against the tiles, my knees going weak. George finally planted his seed in me (although it wouldn't take without runes and chanting, right?) and then caught me around the waist as I nearly collapsed on the shower floor.