Finding Hannah

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘Well, I’d say the universe has decided you don’t need it anymore.’

  ‘But I do. What will I do with myself after the party’s done?’

  ‘You can start with coming around and helping me sort out what’s crap and what’s suitable to sell, and for how much. But seriously, you should do whatever you want – read, cook, garden, or nothing at all. Maybe what you really need is to just spend some quiet time,’ Sam said. ‘Hey, why don’t you travel – go away somewhere?’

  ‘Hmm. I’ll think about it. Meanwhile, at least I’ll be free to do any last minute racing around for the party.’

  ‘That’s the spirit. Hannah, being forced to take annual leave is not something to be afraid of. Look at all you’ve got through this year. I know we all keep saying it, but you are a lot stronger than you think. Just remember that. And start believing it.’

  ‘Thanks, Sammy. Perhaps you should listen to your own advice too.’

  ‘Okay, smartarse. Touché.’

  Hannah smiled. ‘I’d better go. I’ve got a stack of work to do.’

  She’d just hung up when she received a text from Jasmine:

  Craig told me about the forced leave. Hope you’re okay. Won’t call as sure you’re busy, but here if you need me. J xx

  She responded with:

  Bit of a shock, but am fine. Appreciate you checking on me. Thanks very much. Speak soon. H xx

  *

  It took Hannah a couple of days to get used to not going to work, but by Wednesday she had started to appreciate having the time off. She wasn’t sure how she’d have done everything for the party if she’d been working full-time. Though, she also accepted that she was usually even more organised when she had a lot to do, rather than a little. Preparing for the arrival of Tristan’s parents from Darwin had been another great distraction.

  ‘Oh, it’s so good to see you both,’ Hannah cried, hugging first Adrian and then Raelene tightly when she opened the door to them. ‘I still can’t believe you came all the way down for my little party.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have missed it. And you’re not to feel badly about not inviting Adrian,’ Raelene said.

  ‘No, absolutely not,’ Adrian said, ‘it was my choice to come when I knew it was only for the ladies. I’ll make myself scarce while the party’s on. I’ve got Federation Square and the National Gallery and two movies earmarked. I’m looking forward to my day.’

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Hannah woke on the morning of her birthday to a strange mixture of emotions. Her parents and then Tristan had always celebrated her birthday with gusto and she didn’t know how she would get through the day without them.

  What had she been thinking putting on a party? Why couldn’t she have let it slip by and stayed in bed? But she did feel a glimmer of excitement at the thought that she’d have her dearest friends around her. And, of course, the icing on the cake was having Tristan’s parents here with her as well.

  There was rattling coming from the kitchen. She’d better be a decent host and go and tend to them.

  ‘Happy birthday!’ Adrian and Raelene cried as Hannah appeared in the doorway.

  ‘We’re cooking you a celebratory breakfast,’ Adrian said, smiling at her from the cooktop where he stood at the sizzling frypan, spatula in hand.

  Hannah cursed the lump forming in her throat. But she was determined not to cry today, especially this early – even if they were tears of joy and gratitude. Oh, bless them. She knew Tristan’s family had never made much of a fuss over birthdays.

  ‘That’s so lovely of you both. Thank you. But you really didn’t need to …’

  ‘Nonsense. It’s your birthday. And you’ve been so good having us stay. Come on, come and sit down. I have freshly squeezed orange juice,’ Raelene said, putting an arm around Hannah and squeezing her shoulders before ushering her to the bench.

  Watching Tristan’s parents rushing around her kitchen almost caused Hannah to weep. She wanted to give in and let the emotions out, but instead forced them back and focussed on the smell of cooking bacon. Yum. It really might just be her second favourite scent after sun-dried linen.

  ‘Oh, that was so good. And just what I needed,’ she said, taking her breakfast plate to the sink. ‘You guys are being far too good to me.’

  ‘It’s our absolute pleasure,’ said Raelene.

  ‘It certainly is,’ said Adrian. ‘If you can’t be pampered on your birthday, when can you?’ Hannah sensed they might have needed this small celebration as much as she had.

  ‘And here’s a little something for you, with our love,’ Raelene said, handing Hannah a tiny parcel wrapped in purple with silver curling ribbon.

  ‘Oh, wow, you shouldn’t have. But thank you,’ she said, carefully untying the ribbon. Hannah drew a jewellery pouch out of the paper and undid the gold drawstring. ‘Oh, it’s beautiful,’ she said, holding up a pearl pendant necklace. ‘Thank you so much.’

  ‘You can put the pendant part onto your bracelet if you’d prefer,’ Raelene explained.

  ‘No way, it’s perfect just as it is.’

  ‘It’s a Darwin pearl,’ Adrian explained. ‘I had no idea there was a thriving pearl industry there – you only tend to hear about Broome.’

  ‘Can you help me put it on?’ she asked, turning her back to Raelene and holding out the two ends.

  ‘There. Go and look in the mirror, it looks lovely on you.’

  ‘I’ve never owned a pearl before. It’s absolutely gorgeous. Thank you so much,’ Hannah said, drawing them both into a hug before going into the hall. The glossy sphere did look stunning and the chain was just the right length.

  ‘We hope it will bring you good luck and serve as a reminder that the world is your oyster,’ Adrian said solemnly.

  Hannah hugged them again while she blinked back the gathering tears.

  ‘Now, I have time for one more coffee before I get organised to make myself scarce for the day,’ he added.

  After they said goodbye to Adrian Raelene and Hannah set the dining table then worked together, making the delicacies Hannah had chosen to serve at her high tea.

  *

  Four hours had seemed plenty of time, but as soon as they finished the preparations, and got ready themselves, Raelene and Hannah only had a few minutes to sit down before the guests arrived, starting with Beth. Everyone was right on time and soon they had all been introduced, and Hannah, Raelene, Beth, Sam, Joanne, Jasmine and Caitlin were sipping on champagne with strawberries floating in it. Hannah was so relieved everyone had followed her instruction to not bring anything and definitely no presents.

  ‘This looks amazing,’ they’d all said when they’d gone through to the dining room.

  ‘Wow, printed menus, just like The Windsor,’ Jasmine exclaimed. ‘And it looks like what we ate there too. How exciting and clever of you.’

  ‘Well, I doubt it will be quite up to the same standard. And I certainly couldn’t have got it all done without Raelene’s help,’ Hannah said, putting an arm around her mother-in-law’s waist. ‘Thank goodness you’re here. I think I may have bitten off more than I could chew.’

  ‘You’ve got a new necklace,’ Sam said. ‘It’s lovely.’

  ‘Yes,’ Hannah said, putting her hand up to it. ‘Raelene and Adrian gave it to me. It’s a pearl from Darwin.’

  ‘Absolutely stunning,’ Sam said and everyone agreed. Hannah felt Raelene beaming beside her and was pleased for Tristan’s mum. And so grateful to her for making the effort to be there. The day just wouldn’t have been the same without her.

  ‘Excuse me for a sec while I put the scones on. No, you sit, Raelene, you’ve done so much already today,’ she said when Raelene made a move to stand up.

  Hannah was grateful when Beth came into the kitchen just when she was constructing the three-tiered cake stands she’d hired.

  ‘I wanted to say what an incredible job I think you’ve done, Hannah.’

  ‘Thanks, but not so incredible that I figured out ho
w to carry in all these plates with only two hands,’ Hannah said with a laugh. ‘Bless you for always being right where I need you, when I need you!’

  ‘Ach, child, you would have simply made two quick trips, and you know it,’ Beth said. ‘But, thank you, anyway.’

  ‘Before we tuck in, I just want to say a few words,’ Hannah said after arranging the tiered stands on the table. ‘I want to thank you all so much for being here. You’ve each been invited because you’ve been a really special friend during what has been a terribly difficult time for me. You might think you’ve done nothing extraordinary, but you have. Just by being on the end of the phone has meant the world, and you’ve each done so much more. And now, before I cry, please tuck in. And enjoy! Scones first while they’re hot.’

  There was a round of applause and then murmurs of ecstasy as the guests bit into hot scones spread with liberal amounts of jam and cream.

  ‘Oh, and the correct way to do it is work your way down from the top, right, Jas? And there are two pieces of everything for everyone, so no fighting!’ she added, which caused a ripple of laughter.

  Hannah beamed. The meal was off to a perfect start.

  *

  They had just finished the plates of food when the doorbell rang.

  ‘Excuse me,’ Hannah said as she got up and laid her linen napkin on the table. She opened the door to two beaming school girls. God, please no cookies!

  ‘Hello, there,’ Hannah said.

  ‘Hello. Would you like to buy a Christmas wreath,’ one girl said while the other held up a wreath.

  Hannah felt the blood drain from her face. ‘Um.’ She wanted to shut the door on them and their Christmas joy.

  ‘They’re thirty dollars and you’d be helping the orphans in …’

  ‘Okay. Hang on.’ Hannah dragged her wallet from her handbag just behind her in the hall. She handed over the money and accepted the wreath.

  ‘Would you like a receipt?’

  ‘No, that’s fine. Thanks.’

  ‘Thank you for supporting the orphans. Have a merry Christmas,’ the girls chanted.

  ‘You too,’ Hannah said as she retreated into the house.

  ‘Who was that?’ Beth asked as Hannah walked back into the dining room.

  There was a collective, ‘Oh,’ as Hannah held up the wreath.

  ‘I hate Christmas. I wish I didn’t, but I do,’ she said, sitting down with a sigh. She stared at the wreath she was still holding.

  ‘That’s quite understandable,’ Raelene said.

  ‘The fact you were so polite and bought a wreath says a lot about how far you’ve come, Hannah,’ Joanne said. ‘I hope you can see that.’

  ‘Thanks, Joanne.’

  ‘You don’t have to thank me, it’s the truth.’

  ‘I agree. You’re doing incredibly well,’ Raelene said.

  ‘Yes, look at you, no tears even,’ Sam said. ‘Well done, sweetie.’

  ‘Maybe I’ve finally run out.’

  At that moment the muffled but unmistakeable tune of ‘Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer’ could be heard.

  ‘Oh, shit,’ Caitlin said, blushing as she opened her handbag. ‘God, I am so sorry.’ She brought out her phone and turned it off.

  ‘Don’t worry about it, Cait,’ Hannah said. ‘Really. And, Sammy, it’s okay, you can laugh,’ she said, noticing her best friend folding her lips in on each other. She knew that expression well.

  ‘I’m really sorry. I must be overtired and delirious, but I’m finding the irony a little bit funny,’ Sam said.

  ‘It is a bit,’ Hannah agreed. ‘Well, the elephant has well and truly left the building now,’ she said in an attempt to lighten the mood.

  She thought she heard a collective exhaling of breath. And just like that, the slight tension she’d been feeling all around her dissipated.

  ‘It wasn’t my imagination, was it?’ she said. ‘You’ve been trying hard all day to avoid any mention of Christmas, haven’t you?’

  ‘Guilty as charged,’ Joanne said.

  ‘Ah-huh,’ a still flushed Caitlin said.

  ‘Because we love you so much,’ Jasmine said, putting an arm around Hannah’s shoulders.

  ‘Yes, and it’s damned hard when it’s absolutely everywhere!’ Beth said with a laugh.

  ‘And I love you all too and really appreciate your efforts, but you can stop now,’ she said. ‘Come on, let’s go into the lounge room. I’ll decide what to do with this later,’ she said, putting the wreath on the table and standing up.

  Hannah had originally thought about inviting her guests to play some old-fashioned parlour games after lunch – she’d found the instructions online and printed them out. Then she’d settled on charades and had bought the game. But now, she realised that instead of entertaining them, she needed their help. Because suddenly, Hannah knew she didn’t want to be in Melbourne for Christmas. She couldn’t really explain why, it was just a feeling that was consuming her thoughts. But where could she go? She knew she had a standing invitation with Tristan’s parents. But they had already mentioned that they were moving on across the top of Australia. They’d be miles away from an airport. Of course they would wait around if they knew she wanted to join them, but she couldn’t upset their plans. She didn’t like to impose on anyone – ever.

  ‘So, what’s everyone doing for Christmas?’ she asked. One by one the women gave their answer and asked her to join them.

  ‘Oh, no, I wasn’t fishing for an invitation. I’m going away.’

  ‘Where?’ Beth asked.

  ‘No idea,’ Hannah said with a laugh, ‘you guys are going to help me decide. Any suggestions?’

  ‘How about somewhere cool,’ Caitlin said. ‘Europe, New York, London?’

  ‘It depends. What do you want to see and do?’ Jasmine said.

  ‘No idea,’ Hannah said.

  ‘Don’t think you’ll find anywhere to escape the Christmas frenzy, unless it’s a place you shouldn’t or don’t want to travel to,’ Sam said.

  ‘Yes,’ Caitlin said. ‘Christmas was even in Dubai when I had a stopover there a couple of years ago. Who would have thought?’

  ‘That’s the good thing about travel being so easy and the world getting so small, or the trouble with it – depends on how you look at it,’ Jasmine said. ‘New Zealand is one of my favourite places, especially Queenstown. I’ll never go bungee jumping, but I did go skiing there once years ago.’

  ‘There’s always cruising,’ Beth chimed in. ‘I wish I’d discovered it years ago. You can come with me. I’m leaving on the morning of Christmas eve.’

  ‘Thanks. I’ll think about it.’

  ‘Cruises are fine for singles,’ Beth chimed in.

  How can I tell her I don’t want to be with anyone I know without hurting her feelings?

  ‘You could throw a dart to choose. I’ve done that before,’ Joanne said.

  ‘Oh, where did you go?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘It landed on Australia,’ Joanne said, rolling her eyes.

  ‘I’d have thrown it again,’ Sam said.

  ‘Did you, Jo?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘No, I took it as an omen and did a road trip around Tasmania. It was wonderful, but I wasn’t on my own. I don’t think it would be as fun alone.’

  Nothing’s as fun alone, Hannah thought, but kept it to herself.

  ‘The Greek Isles might be interesting and would be cheap,’ Raelene said.

  ‘Go to Paris, I’m sure they’d welcome you with open arms and it should be safe enough with security being extra tight,’ Caitlin said. The city of love? Alone? I don’t think so.

  ‘I’d love to go and wander through all the major art galleries one day,’ Sam said. ‘But I know you’d be bored after five. Perhaps if you can’t decide it’s a sign you should stay in Australia and come with us to Rob’s brother’s place. Hang on, you could have trouble getting a passport at such late notice. You might have to stay here, anyway.’

  ‘I might never have been on a
plane, but I do have a passport,’ Hannah said. ‘I got it when we were thinking of going overseas for our honeymoon.’

  ‘Oh, well, the world is your oyster, then. I’d love to travel the world and stay a night in each of the hotels of a famous chain – like the Ritz,’ Jasmine said dreamily. That sounded to Hannah like an awful waste of money.

  ‘Was there anywhere you and Tristan seriously dreamt about going one day?’ Joanne asked.

  ‘Not really, we always focussed on buying a house and paying off the mortgage.’ It was the first excuse that came to her. She didn’t want to tell everyone about Tristan’s fear of flying. Of course she’d dreamt of travelling the world, who hadn’t? But it wouldn’t have been fair to Tristan to talk about going here and there and making him feel worse than he already did about his phobia. At least he’d considered trying to conquer it; that’s when they applied for their passports. Everyone was right – she could go anywhere. That was the problem.

  ‘Visit London. After our own country, I think that’s the place all us Australians should visit at least once,’ Beth said. ‘I hope I’ll get there one day.’

  ‘I thought the Londoners would have been friendlier than the New Yorkers, but nope,’ Caitlin said. ‘And they didn’t seem to understand the concept of personal space at all. I got completely squashed in the tube and nearly freaked out.’

  ‘You lot are really no help at all,’ Hannah said. She tried to laugh lightly, but suspected it didn’t quite come out as she’d hoped.

  ‘Maybe you’re meant to be around supportive people, not running away and hiding amongst strangers,’ Sam said. Hannah sensed her friend was a little miffed.

  It was probably cowardly and most likely could be considered running away, but Hannah also tried to tell herself it was about drawing a line in the sand. She hoped that if she went away things would be different and better when she returned, after the terrible first anniversary had passed.

  A little voice inside reminded her that nothing else had changed with each passing milestone during the year so why would going away make any difference?

  On the other side of her brain another voice suggested that perhaps this was what she needed, and what harm would it do to give it a try?