My Deliberate Mistake

by Claire Svendsen

  She stops and just like that her face turns from sweet to sour.

  “Because you don’t like me anymore. You like him better.”

  She pokes Mark with a finger. He moans but doesn’t open his eyes.

  “Don’t touch him,” I snap.

  She knows I never liked her. The things she did, the person she was. Something was wrong, a part of her genetic code missing like a lost puzzle piece. Empathy. Compassion. Love. She was never capable of any of it.

  “Of course I like him better. I love him.”

  “You don’t love him. You just had sex with him. Lots of sex. It was disgusting.”

  She wrinkles her nose. “Do you love him now? Like this?”

  She points to Mark’s white face where a small trail of blood trickles from the corner of his mouth.

  “Of course I do,” I whisper.

  “You’re a liar.”

  “I’m not a liar,” I shout.

  “You are,” she screams.

  And then it’s happening, right before my eyes. Arms out and head thrown back, her skin turns green in the dim light. Her dress stretches and shreds, growing into a black gown tangled with pond scum and leaves. Water drips from her fingertips, pooling on the floor and mixing with Mark’s red blood. I start to scream, my voice mingling with hers like an echo.

  37.

  There is knocking at the door, I hear it through the screaming. I don’t look at the water demon my sister has become, instead I rush towards sanity.

  “Ana? It's Norma. Open the door.”

  “Norma?” I gasp.

  I bang on it, trying to open the door but it won't budge. I have to get out of here. My hands burn as I hit the wood, desperate to drown out the sound coming from Julia. That wheezing, low pitched whine I’ve heard so often in my nightmares. The sound of drowning.

  “Unlock it Ana,” Norma shouts.

  “I can't,” I scream. “It's stuck. I can't get it open.”

  “Open the door,” she shouts again.

  “I'm trying.”

  I'm pulling on the door handle with all my might. My fingers burn and the doorknob tears my skin off in chunks but I don’t even care.

  “Hit it with something,” I shout. “Get me out of here.”

  “It's okay Ana,” she says, her voice calmer now. “Don't freak out. I'll go get help.”

  I hear her footsteps as she runs away and stand by the door, my forehead pressed against the cool wood. I don't want to turn around. I don't want to look at the man who thinks I tried to hurt him and the twin I killed. But I hear Mark groaning, calling my name.

  “Ana. Help me.”

  That’s all I want, to help him. Only trapped here in this room there is nothing I can do for him. But I can hold him. I force myself to turn around. To man up and face Julia once and for all. I’m not prepared for what I see.

  She’s hovering over him, suspended in midair with the torn skirt of her black dress draping over his body. Her hair hangs into his face and her fingers are clenched around his throat. She’s not going to wait for him to die from internal bleeding. She’s going to kill him right now.

  “Leave him alone,” I scream.

  Dashing forward I try to push her away from him but I can’t touch her. My hands press against an invisible field. I claw and scratch at it, screaming at her to let him go but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t even look at me. It’s like she can’t tear her eyes away from the life draining out of Mark. Water drips from her body onto his, washing the blood from him and pooling on the floor. It splashes on his face and into his open mouth and then he’s making the drowning sound too.

  I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and hitting the force field as hard as I can but it’s pointless. Julia is going to kill Mark and all I can do is watch. He’s choking, trying to draw in any air he can but the water fills his lungs.

  “I love you,” I cry. “Mark, I’m so sorry. I love you.”

  I back away into the corner as he finally stops choking. His body is still. I know he’s finally gone. I try to scream as Julia turns her gaunt face towards me but my fight has gone. She might as well get it over and done with. I have nothing left to live for now.

  38.

  There is a hammering noise at the door. Julia skitters away from me, claps her hands and shatters into shiny broken pieces that skitter across the floor like green emeralds. I know it’s just another of her tricks. I know she’ll haunt me forever now Mark is gone. The door bursts open and they all spill inside, standing there breathless and pale. Noah, still clutching the axe he used to break down the door.

  “What happened?” he says.

  I can't speak. I’ve sunk to the floor, my legs no longer able to hold me up.

  “Is he dead?” Norma asks.

  “Someone should check,” Mike says.

  “Don’t look at me,” Norma chokes. “I’m not touching a dead body.”

  Footsteps pass me on the floor. A hand gently touching the top of my head as it passes. Noah, going to do the unimaginable. I hold my breath as I wait for his answer.

  “Yes,” he finally says. “He’s gone.” He pulls the wet blanket up over Mark’s face.

  “Shit.” Mike says. “Now what?”

  I hear them talking but it’s muffled and far away, like I’m stuck at the bottom of a black hole. Norma crouches down next to me and places her hand on my arm. I flinch and pull away.

  “Ana?” she says. “Can you hear me?”

  I try to open my mouth and answer but nothing happens.

  “Great,” Mike says. “She's lost it.”

  Noah bends over and tries to pull me to my feet but my arms and legs are limp. I can't stand or walk or talk. I can't do anything.

  “What are we going to do now?” Norma says. “We can't leave her here like this.”

  “We'll take her back to the dorms.”

  “Shouldn’t someone stay with him?” Norma points at Mark’s body.

  “No,” Noah says. “We can't do anything for him now.”

  He bends over and scoops me up in his arms. For a moment I feel safe, cradled into him like a child. I close my eyes and drift away, let him carry me as I inhale the musky smell of horse and dog. Cocooned in his warmth I feel safe. Maybe I can just stay here in his arms forever.

  39.

  It's cold up in the dorms or maybe I'm just in shock but I can't stop shaking. Noah lays me on the bed and pulls a blanket up under my chin. I whisper my thanks but he doesn't hear me. He's already turned around and is huddled together with Norma and Mike.

  “Do you think she'll be okay?” he asks.

  “She was just in the hospital,” Norma says. “Does anyone know what's wrong with her?”

  “Yeah, she's fucking nuts,” Mike says.

  “Hey,” Norma snaps. “That's not nice.”

  “No,” Mike says. “It's not. But it won't be very nice either if she turns out to be some sort of deranged serial killer.”

  “What are you talking about?” Noah says.

  “Well Mr. Richardson didn't do that to himself did he? He didn’t throw himself over the balcony. I'm just saying that loony girl here is the likeliest candidate.”

  “So what?” Noah says. “You want to lock her in here? Tie her to the bed? Is that what you're saying?”

  “Hell yeah. I'm not going to get offed by some loony chick.”

  “No.” Norma says. “Ana wouldn't do that, she couldn't do that and I won’t let you hurt her.”

  I hear her feet step back, away from the group and closer to me.

  “I won't let you hurt her just because you need someone to blame. The killer could be any one of us. Or maybe it's none of us. We don’t know who else is wandering around this mausoleum. Or maybe he wanted to commit suicide or something.”

  “She's right,” Noah says. “We can't start accusing people without evidence.”

  “Evidence?” Mike laughs sarcastically. “What do you think this is, CSI? Sure, hold on a second while I grab my swabs
and UV lights. I'll take some samples and run them down to the lab. Then we'll know for sure. You guys are fucking idiots.”

  I hear his angry footsteps as he stomps away.

  “That went well,” Noah says.

  He sits on the bed next to me with a sigh, his finger gently stroking my face.

  “Do you think she could do this?” he asks.

  “I don’t know,” Norma says.

  “I don't think she could do this,” he says softly.

  I start to drift away, holding on to his words.

  40.

  For a second I think I'm in my bed back home but the scratchy sheets beneath my skin shatter that illusion. I shift awkwardly, stiff and sore. I'm at the college and suddenly I remember. Mark is dead. I lean over the edge of the bed just in time to throw up.

  “You okay?”

  It's Norma. She's found a chair and is sitting in the doorway, reading a tattered paperback.

  “Do I look okay?” I wipe my mouth on the blanket. “Are you my guard or something?”

  “Something,” she shrugs. “I didn’t want you to be alone. I thought you might need someone to talk to. Besides, Noah has implemented the buddy system.”

  “The buddy system? What is this, kindergarten?”

  “It’s serious Ana. No one goes anywhere alone, that's the rule.”

  “Sounds good,” I stand shakily.

  I don't add that it doesn't sound good if you're paired with the one who’s attracting the angry ghost like a fly to honey.

  “What about peeing? Does the buddy system apply to that? Do you have to hold my hand while I wipe?”

  “No,” she huffs. “You know, you shouldn't be so mean to me. I stuck up for you.”

  She's right. I only have one person on my side, well maybe two, her and Noah. I shouldn't press her buttons and piss her off. It’s just I’m cranky and itchy, like I'm crawling out of my skin. And there is a deep hole inside me, the one left by Mark. His love has been ripped out of me and I’ll never get it back.

  “I'm sorry,” I say. “I feel like shit. My head is killing me.”

  “Well, you’re the one with all the pills. Take something so we can get on with the job of surviving. Noah said when you woke up he'd call a meeting.”

  “So Noah's in charge?”

  “Kind of.”

  “Interesting. Come on, I really have to pee.”

  I grab her hand and pull her down the hall, away from the pills she's not supposed to know about and the questions they'd raise if anyone else did. They already think I'm the crazy girl who might be a killer. They don't need more fuel to add to their fire.

  I pee while Norma waits outside. I guess when shit hits the fan, privacy goes out the window. In the stall I notice a long scratch on my thigh. I can't remember how I got it. I also have a bruise on my arm, the faint imprint of fingers. I pull my pants up and flush, hurrying out of the bathroom and into Norma.

  “Let's go,” I say.

  “Good,” she says. “I’m starving. Just because the world is ending, doesn't mean we can't eat.”

  We pass shattered windows and give them a wide berth, broken glass crunching under our feet. Rain gusts in along with debris from Hurricane Elsie. Victoria College isn't holding up any better than it did the last time.

  “How long is this thing going to last anyway?” I mumble.

  “Until everyone is dead,” I hear Julia say.

  I spin around, looking for her behind me. But no one is there.

  “What is it?” Norma asks.

  “Nothing.”

  41.

  The meeting is in the kitchen. I guess Norma isn’t the only one who’s hungry. Mike is stuffing his face with a giant sandwich and even Noah is shoveling handfuls of potato chips absentmindedly into his mouth. I eye the closed door to the pantry warily and take a seat with my back to it. I don’t want to face the truth yet. I’m good at telling lies, even to myself. If I want to get out of here alive, I’d better start.

  Emily sits with her head in her hands. She's tapping her foot nervously against the leg of the table.

  “Can you cut that out?” Mike snaps, food spraying out of his mouth and across the table.

  She doesn't look up, just continues to tap and shake.

  “Leave her alone,” Noah says. “She's in shock.”

  “She's in shock?” I ask. “Why?”

  I look at Emily. Her pretty, perfect hair plastered to her face, clothes crumpled and wet.

  “She wasn't the one trapped in the pantry.”

  “Yeah, Ana’s right,” Norma says. “What the hell is her problem?”

  Emily says nothing, her head still down. Part of me feels sorry for her but the other part just wants to smack her. Mike obviously feels the same way because he leans over and punches her in the arm. She screams and flies back off the chair, arms clutched around her and eyes wild. She backs into the corner and slides down the wall until she's a puddled heap on the floor.

  “That's just great Mike,” Norma says. “How are we going to get her to talk now?”

  “Give her time,” I say. “She’ll come around.”

  But I'm not so sure. Sometimes people snap. Something pushes them over the edge and they can’t always claw their way back. The brain is a funny beast, easily broken and hard to fix. Just like the heart.

  Norma looks at me and I know what she's thinking. She wants me to offer up a magic pill to calm Emily down. Shove a couple of Xanax down her throat and wait for the normal Emily to come back. I look down at the floor. I'm not ready to do that. I'm not ready to admit my own problems. They wanted to strap me to the bed before. Who knows what they'd do if they found out the truth about me. So I just smile at Norma, shake my head and shrug like there is nothing I can do.

  “Where are the others?” I ask. “Natalie and that other guy.”

  Noah throws the empty bag of chips across the table. For the first time he looks pissed.

  “Carl? I don't know. I told them to come back here. They went to look for a radio. Thought we might be able to tune in to a station and find out when this damn storm is going to be over.”

  “People still have radios?” I ask.

  “Dumb ass people,” Mike says.

  Noah glares at him. “They thought they'd seen one in Mr. Richardson’s studio. They went to get it.”

  “How long ago was that?”

  “A while,” he says.

  “Shit,” Norma whispers.

  “We should go look for them,” I say. “Now.”

  “They'll turn up,” Mike says, still eating.

  “They'll turn up?” I shout “They’ll turn up?”

  Emily lets out a stifled cry from the corner and Norma looks at me like I should just shut my mouth. I know I should but I can't seem to stop.

  “And when the hell is this God damned storm going to be over anyway?” I shout.

  Noah gets up and comes over to where I'm standing. He puts his hand on my arm gently.

  “That's enough,” he says.

  “This is fucking nuts,” I say.

  “I know. But we have to keep our cool here. Alright?”

  He sounds gentle but beneath I hear the stern tone in his voice and see steel in his eyes. He means what he says. If I don't get in line, he’ll make me. But right now I don't care. There’s something in the studio that no one is supposed to see.

  “We should go and look for them,” I say.

  “You’re probably right,” Noah says. “Come on, let’s go.”

  “I'm not going anywhere,” Mike says. “I’m tired and hungry and I'm staying here.”

  “I don't want to make an issue out of this but you're coming and that is that.”

  “Look mate, you might be some cowboy big shot in the shithole town you come from but around here you're just another douchebag. I don't take orders from you. I don't take orders from anyone. I'm staying here and you can go fuck yourself.”

  “Nice,” Norma says under her breath.

  “
Fine,” I say. “Look, just leave him. You can't force him to come and besides, he can keep an eye on Mark.”

  Mike gulps and looks at the pantry door as though he'd forgotten.

  “Whatever. I’ll be along in a minute. I just want to finish my sandwich.”

  “Whatever you say Mike,” Norma says.

  Noah walks over to Emily and crouches down next to her.

  “Come on, we have to go now,” he says.

  His voice sounds soft. Softer than when he spoke to me. He strokes her face gently. I can’t help but wonder how much went on between them while I was stuck in the hospital. I can't stop myself from thinking that he probably fucked her. I know Emily is a slut. My absence would have proved just the opportunity she needed to swoop in and grab him. The jealous voice in my head tells me that he likes her more than he likes me. Why wouldn’t he? She’s pretty and perky and mentally stable, at least she was up until now. But I thought he was my friend.

  “Why don't you leave her here with Mike?”

  “Hang on a minute,” he chokes on his food. “I’m not babysitting a corpse and a nut job.”

  At least Emily has done something right. She's taken the focus away from me and put it smack dab onto herself.

  “I wonder if she's got a guilt complex,” I say, hating myself for being this way.

  “About what?” Noah clenches his teeth.

  He backs me against the wall, putting his hand up to block my view of Emily.

  “I thought I was the one you wanted,” I say quietly. “Guess you couldn't wait for me. Or are you just turned on by the damsel who’s most in distress at the time?”

  “And what about you? You think I don’t know about you and Mark?”

  Rage rips through me like fire. I slap his cheek and watch as he recoils from my hand, shock on his face.

  “Are you insane?” he says angrily.

  “How dare you? Mark is dead.” My voice wavers even though I’m pissed as hell.

  “I know he is and I know you think you loved him but Ana, you’re not seeing things straight here.”

  “I did love him,” I shout.

  I’m punching him now, hitting his chest with my fists over and over. He lets me, standing there taking my pain and rage. Tears stream down my face as I hit him again and again until all the fight has gone. He wraps his arms around me and draws me in, my sobs muffled in his shirt. He kisses the top of my head gently.