My Deliberate Mistake

by Claire Svendsen

  “It’s going to be okay,” he says.

  “No. I can’t,” I push him away. “I can’t do this.”

  I can’t look at him or touch him. Anything I do will put him in danger. If Julia thinks he’s my friend, she’ll kill him. I see the hurt on his face but he lets me go.

  “Norma,” Noah says. “Take her with you.”

  Norma grabs my arm and drags me from the room.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” she says.

  “Everything.”

  42.

  Norma and I forge ahead while Noah trails behind with Emily. I hear her dragging footsteps and the way he is encouraging her under his breath. I can't help but think of how he scooped me up in his arms and carried me to the bottom bunk in my room but then my mind flashes to Mark and I start to feel sick. I'm glad I didn't eat anything while we were in the kitchen, despite the fact that my stomach is grumbling and I feel dizzy.

  “What’s up with them?” I ask Norma.

  “Who? Noah and Emily?”

  “Yeah. Did they hook up or what?”

  She pauses. “I don't know.”

  “You're lying.”

  She hunches her shoulders and stomps on with her head down, eyes cast at the floor. I know she's trying to protect me but her omission only makes it all the more obvious. Noah slept with Emily and that's why he didn't care enough to come and see me when I was in the hospital. I want to be mad about it but I can’t. I have to get to Mark’s studio.

  “How long do you think we're going to be trapped here for?” I ask.

  “God, I hope not that much longer. I mean someone must come for us soon right?”

  “Of course,” I say but I know it's a lie.

  I don't know much about hurricanes but I do know that once the wind gets above a certain speed the emergency services aren't able to respond. That means we're trapped here until the storm passes.

  We traipse through the smashed college, across broken glass and shattered pottery. Some of the paintings have slipped from the walls, their canvases torn and wet.

  “I wish I'd never come here,” Norma says forlornly.

  “Me too,” I say but I don’t. I wouldn’t trade the time I shared with Mark for anything.

  At the door we pause.

  “What if they're dead?” she asks.

  I don't know what to say. What if they are? I guess that would get me off the hook once and for all. That wouldn’t be so bad, apart from the bit about them being dead. Her hand reaches out for the door knob but pulls away at the last minute.

  “I can't open it,” she says.

  “Fine.”

  I reach to open the door but she grabs my hand.

  “Wait. I think I hear something.”

  We both listen, straining against the sound of the wind and the rain. I think I hear it too. Moaning. I take a deep breath and shove the door open just as Noah and Emily come up behind us.

  “Are they dead?” Emily whimpers.

  “Hardly,” Norma says.

  The studio is covered in debris. A tree limb has crashed through the window and part of the ceiling. There are twigs and leaves mixed with plaster everywhere. The floor is wet from the rain gusting in through the open hole and there are Natalie and Carl, naked. She's on top of him, thrashing and bucking against his wet body. They don't hear us above the sound of the storm and don't stop until they both come, which doesn't take long. Natalie slithers off him and then sees us. She screams and tries to cover herself with her hands but it’s too late. We've already seen all there is to see. Carl isn't so bashful. He just lies there with a big grin on his face like the cat that got the milk.

  “What’s the point of the world ending if you can't get a little?” he laughs.

  “Hey!”

  Natalie removes the hand covering her breasts to smack him in the arm. Then shrieks and dives under a table for her shirt.

  “It's not the end of the world,” Noah shouts. “It's a hurricane and you came up here to find a radio, not get it on.”

  Carl finally pulls his pants on. “Hey man, just because you can't get any.”

  Before anyone can stop him, Noah surges forward and punches Carl in the face.

  Natalie and Emily both start to scream but Carl doesn't take the hit lying down. He gives as good as he gets, connecting a well-placed fist against Noah's jaw. Noah reels back but finds his footing and barrels into him, punching Carl in the gut and shoving him onto the floor. They are rolling around throwing punches when I finally step in.

  “Enough,” I shout.

  They don’t hear me, let alone stop. Carl has Noah in a head lock, both guys red faced and flustered. Noah is bleeding from his lip and Carl has a cut above his eyebrow but nothing is going to tear them apart.

  “Oh well,” I say. “Maybe they’ll kill each other. Two less people to worry about.”

  Natalie sidesteps the brawl and stands next to Norma, wringing her hands.

  “What should we do?”

  “If you think I’m getting in the middle of that, you’re crazy,” Norma says.

  Natalie looks at me in desperation but Norma is right. There is no way I’m getting knocked out just because two assholes want to fight over their manhood.

  “You really couldn’t keep his dick out of your pants?” I try to sound condescending but feel like a fraud, berating Natalie for something I’ve done in this very room.

  “I was upset,” she says, looking tearful. “He made me feel better.”

  “We could see that,” I say.

  We start to laugh, there’s not much else to do. It’s absurd and ridiculous but it’s real. People do fucked up things when put in stressful situations, I was testament to that. The fact that Natalie and Carl fucked their brains out just so they could feel something other than sheer panic, wasn’t really that surprising.

  43.

  “What are they fighting over?”

  Mike finally turns up as we’re watching Noah and Carl beat the shit out of each other. All of us except Emily, who’s leaning against the nearest wall with an empty look in her eyes.

  “We're not sure,” Norma says. “But Carl and Natalie were getting it on when we found them.”

  Mike looks at Natalie who turns red and looks away.

  “Getting it on? Really?” he laughs.

  “Is that so hard to believe?” Natalie snaps. “That someone like Carl would actually want me?”

  “No,” Mike smiles. “Not at all. Glad to see I'm not stranded here with a bunch of prudes. Maybe you'll get it on with me later.”

  He thrusts his crotch in her direction and she looks like she might vomit.

  “Get a life Mike, I'm not a slut.”

  “That's not what I hear,” he says.

  “Hey now,” I say. “Cut it out. We have enough shit to deal with all ready. We don't need any more.”

  “Well, why are we standing around watching then?” Mike asks. “Let’s break it the fuck up.”

  He grabs Carl and pulls him off Noah. Norma and I seize the opportunity to drag Noah away, each of us holding one of his arms.

  “Get off me,” Carl shouts.

  “Noah,” I say calmly. “This has to stop. It isn't helping. We have to find a way out of here and we have to stick together.”

  Noah breathes hard and fast but I feel him trying to gain control of himself, his muscles slowly relaxing as he slumps into our arms.

  “Fine, whatever.” Carl pulls away from Mike and kicks a piece of the tree. “God, this is so fucked up.”

  “Yes. It is,” I say. “Now how are we going to get the hell out of here? We need ideas and we need them now.”

  44.

  Natalie perches on a table while Norma takes the more adventurous seat on the trunk of the tree sticking through the wall. Emily hovers in the doorway like she might bolt at any minute and the three guys have put right an overturned table and are sitting around it. I can't believe that out of everyone I'm now being the rational one, forcing people to
make peace with one another and trying to come up with a plan.

  “What about the axe?” I ask Noah. “The one you used to break down the pantry door. Can we use it to cut up the tree that is blocking our way out?”

  “You see this?” he points forlornly at the giant tree branch.

  I nod.

  “That tree out there,” he points to the rain still lashing through the hole in the wall, obscuring everything from sight with gray debris. “Well, it’s about ten times bigger than this and that little axe isn't going to cut it.”

  “Shit. What about a chainsaw? There has to be something else we can use.”

  “Even if we found one, we couldn't go out there in that and use it anyway,” Mike says.

  I know he's right. We can't do anything about the tree blocking the drive.

  “What about another exit? There must be more than one way out.”

  “We looked but there didn't seem to be one and I'm not going to get blown away or hit in the head with some flying piece of shit trying to find it.”

  “You could take your truck, drive around the property.”

  Noah is silent for a moment. “The truck has a tree on it.”

  “That's just great,” Natalie sobs. “So we're all just going to die here?”

  “No one is going to die. It's just a hurricane. We stay inside and wait for it to pass, that's all,” Norma says calmly.

  “But Mark’s dead,” Emily whispers from the doorway.

  “Shut up,” I shout at her and she shrinks back.

  But I know she's right. Emily’s brought up the elephant in the room that we are all trying to ignore. We're not only battling the storm out there. We're battling something else as well. Something trapped inside with all of us.

  “So who did that to him? We're all here so spill it. Someone must know something,” Mike says.

  No one speaks. I look at the floor, trying not to throw up again.

  45.

  Everyone glares at each other as though it’s somehow going to help someone confess to murder. I know better.

  “Look. This isn't helping,” I say. “Everyone just settle down.”

  “That's all right for you to say,” Carl snaps. “How do we know you aren't the killer? You were the last one alone with him.”

  Emily lets out a shriek and starts to cry again. I want to go over there and smack some sense into her but I don’t think that would win me any fans. I should have slipped her some of the damn Xanax after all.

  “Emily,” I say. “If you talk about it you’ll feel better. You know, get it off your chest.”

  She just shakes her head and continues to cry.

  “She did it,” Mike says. “She must have done it.”

  Carl stands up, his chair tipping over as he rushes to Emily’s side.

  “She didn't do it,” he shouts. “Look at her. She's a mess. She couldn't kill anyone.”

  I watch as Natalie grows rigid. “What, so you're like her great protector now? You want to fuck her too?”

  “Carl puts a protective arm around Emily. He doesn’t say anything but we all know he'll fuck her if he gets the chance. The situation we’re in? It's just another chance for someone like Carl to try and get inside our pants.

  “You should step away from her,” I say.

  “Why?”

  “You just should.”

  “What are you trying to say?”

  “She's saying that the killer could be one of you guys,” Norma says, the realization crossing her face like a light has been switched on.

  “Hang on a minute,” Noah says. “You're accusing us?”

  “She's right, it had to be a guy,” Natalie says. “One of you guys.”

  “What about her?” Mike points at Norma. “She's a guy. I mean, you are a guy aren't you? That means it could have been you.”

  Norma's face turns red.

  “I'm not a guy,” she whispers.

  “Honey,” Mike says. “You tell yourself whatever you want. You're a guy, you're a woman with a dick. Whatever. It's all the same to me as long as I'm not the one who has to fuck you. But if we're pointing fingers here and I think we are, then you need to face the fact that you have the strength and the ability to push a guy off a balcony just like Carl and Noah and me.”

  The room falls silent, except for the sound of the rain and Emily's crying. No one seems to have proof that I was the last one with Mark. If I want to get out of here I’m going to have to try and keep it that way.

  46.

  The buddy system has lost the shiny appeal it had back when Noah implemented it. Boy girl pairings no longer seem safe now everyone thinks one of the boys is the killer, and we all know Carl just wants to fuck our brains out. However Natalie still thinks being paired with Carl is a good idea.

  “You should stay away from him,” I whisper, fully aware that I’m planting unfounded fear in her head.

  “I don't care,” she looks at me angrily. “I don't want him sleeping with anyone else, especially Emily. I'm going with him and I don't care what you have to say.”

  “Well just try and be safe. Alright?”

  She nods but I don't believe she has any self-restraint. As soon as our backs are turned they'll be at it again, I'm sure of it. In fact as soon as I let go of her she runs into Carl's arms and starts kissing him.

  “I’m sorry I thought you were the killer,” she cries as he sticks his hand unabashedly up her shirt and gropes a breast.

  “She just doesn’t want him sleeping with the weak one,” Norma points to Emily. “I didn't know it was possible to cry so much.”

  “It’s not,” I say. “She’s faking.”

  But I don’t know that she is. I’d cry a river of tears for Mark if I could. I’d still be lying in that bottom bunk, a worthless sack of flesh with a hole where my heart used to be. I don’t know why I’m not. Perhaps I’m dreaming. I am still there and none of this is real. I’ll pinch myself and wake up in Mark’s arms. No. I know that’s not going to happen.

  Norma nudges me. “I told you to give her some of your pills.”

  “How do you know about that?” I turn and whisper so the others can't hear.

  “You were in the hospital. I was worried and bored,” she adds sheepishly.

  “Well, I hope you didn't take anything. They’re not worth it.”

  “I didn't even know what half of them were,” she says. “You take all that?”

  “Not anymore,” I shake my head.

  It’s true. I haven't taken anything since the first night I was here. Deep down I know I'm playing a dangerous game. Going cold turkey off psychotropic drugs will really fuck with your head. But I'm feeling better. Focused. My mind clear. That has to be a good thing, doesn't it? I just look at Norma and smile.

  “We're going to get something to eat,” Natalie says. “Carl and me. We're hungry.”

  “Yeah, we all know what they're hungry for,” Mike says as they run from the room. “Who wants to bet they don't even make it to the kitchen before they're fucking each other like rabbits again.”

  “If it makes them feel better, what's wrong with that?” Noah asks.

  He looks from Emily to me and I look away before he can catch my gaze. I still think he slept with her and if he wants to again then that's fine with me. Maybe it will snap her out of it. All I want is Mark. But he’s dead.

  “Now what?” Norma says.

  “I don't know.”

  Then I see it. Lying on its side, half covered with a sheet and trapped under the tree that fills the room. I hold my breath and look away, hoping no one has noticed. They haven’t. Noah and Mike are talking quietly in the corner and Norma is trying to get through to Emily by stroking her arm like she’s a nervous horse. I steal another look. There is the clay Mark shaped so tenderly with hands that later roamed my body. I choke back a sob.

  “You okay?” I don’t realize that Norma’s back beside me.

  “Yeah fine,” I nod.

  “You’re sure?”
>
  “Yes.”

  “Okay, well I think I’m going to take Emily back to her room,” Norma says.

  I look over and realize it’s probably not a bad idea. Emily’s face is white as a sheet and she wavers on her feet like she’s about to pass out. If she does then someone is going to have to carry her and the idea of Noah fawning over her any more than he already has makes me sick.

  “Fine,” I say. “That’s a good idea. In fact, take her back to our room. Okay?”

  “We have a plan too,” Noah says, coming over but avoiding eye contact with me.

  “You do?”

  “You don’t need to sound so surprised. We can come up with ideas too you know,” he says.

  “Of course,” I feel the heat burning on my cheeks. “I never said you couldn’t.”

  He wants to hurt me, I get that but I’m not sure why. I didn’t mean to hurt him.

  “Mike remembered there was an old CB radio in the tourist part of the house. If we can find it then we may be able to reach someone. Get help.”

  I nod. “That’s a good idea. Okay great.”

  “What about you?” Norma asks. “You’re coming with us right?”

  “I think I’ll hang back and look for the radio that was supposed to be in here.”

  “No,” Norma and Noah both say.

  “You shouldn’t stay alone,” Norma adds. “You know it’s not safe.”

  “I’ll be fine. I won’t be long, I promise. You guys go on. I’ll catch up soon. Honestly.”

  “But the buddy system,” Norma’s voice trails off.

  “Is flawed. I’m probably safer alone anyway.”

  Noah leaves with less protest than Norma. I guess he doesn’t really care that much about me after all. Now he only cares about Emily. He puts his hand gently on her shoulder as he passes by.

  “You’ll be okay,” he says softly.