Tortured Whispers

by Danielle James

  “It’s what I’m used to,” I whispered

  “Not anymore, Brook. Do you love me?” His words shook and his eyes looked wet.

  “Yes, of course, Cease. I love you so fucking much.” I pressed my lips to his and he nodded.

  “Then don’t hurt yourself anymore. Not like that. Because when you do…it tears me up inside. Don’t do it anymore because if you stop to think, it tears you up inside too. Now, it’s not only tearing you up emotionally but it’s tearing you up physically.”

  Oh god, he was right. His words rang as clear and true as any bell and they echoed just as much. Even though cutting made me feel better when I was drowning…the relief was only temporary. It was like dying a little bit with each cut but having to be brought back to life…back to pain all over again.

  I had to stop.

  “You’re right,” I whispered, my gaze focused on nothing in particular. I wet my dry lips and fingered the tank tops lying in my lap. “I have to stop.”

  “You do. It’s a process but I’m here. You’ll meet with Dr. Hollows tomorrow and we’ll help you through, I swear. You have to trust me though, Brook.”

  “I twust you. I do. I can breathe around you.” The more I relaxed, the more I noticed the connection between my mouth and brain strengthen. “I trust you,” I said still with an accent but it came out right.

  I held up a yellow tank top and stood to pull it over my head. I held out my arms and spun around for Caesar and he gave me thumbs up. “Yellow is amazing on your skin,” He walked me to the mirror with his arms around my waist while he held me from behind.

  “When you’re clean from cutting for one year, you should get a tattoo.” My ears warmed at his suggestion.

  “I’ve wanted one ever since I started cutting,” I confessed.

  “Then we’ll make that shit happen. I want to see you get something badass.” His lips placed kisses along the curve of my neck making me feel warm and loved.

  “Okay,” I beamed. The light in my eyes was back. It was jade and it was beautiful.

  “See that spark? That’s what I love so much about you, Brooklyn. Everything contained in that spark is what’s fighting to get out and live above water. You have to be strong and brave though. It won’t be an easy fight.

  You’re my girl. I know you can do it…right?” When we locked eyes, I felt like I could do anything. So I nodded. I wanted to be sure of myself for once in my fucking life. I wanted to do something right or at least something positive.

  “Yes,” I said with a set stare. “I can’t erase the old scars but…I can stop myself from making new ones.” Clad in only a yellow tank top and a pair of panties, I took Cease by the hand and we went to the spare room I hid out in when we weren’t speaking.

  I dropped to my knees and slid my fingers between the box spring and bed frame until I hit against the razor I had hidden there. I plucked it from its narrow confines and held it up for him to see. It was such an ugly fucking thing. It was an ugly moment. Both moment and razor were smeared with old blood and bad memories that made me feel like I was sinking.

  Caesar’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat and I saw the hurt in his eyes. I hated that look. I hated hurting him. I hated hurting me.

  There had to be a better way to cope. There had to be.

  With emotions in my eyes ready to fall any second, we marched into the small en-suite bathroom and I dropped the blade in the toilet. Old blood became new again and tinted the water pink.

  I locked pinkies with Caesar then reached out and flushed the toilet. The sound of the water pushing the razor out of sight made my stomach flutter.

  “Was that the last one?” Cease asked, kissing the top of my head.

  “Yup. Last one,” I admitted. My lips parted enough to let out a shaky laugh. I flushed my last fucking razor. I did it. On purpose.

  “Okay. You got this, Brook. Even when you feel like you don’t. I’m always here. If you’re at school, I’m a phone call away. I’ll drop everything for you.”

  “I know you will, Cease.” I laid against his chest trying to grasp the new feeling flowing through me. It was refreshing. It made me feel light like I was free.

  I wondered briefly if that’s what peace was…feeling free.

  If so, I could get used to being at peace. It was even better than being happy.

  **

  “I think I made a friend,” I told Cease as I looked at my phone after dinner. Ashley actually sent me a text asking if we could hang out after school.

  “That’s amazing, Brook. Is it someone in one of your classes?” he asked, closing his laptop.

  “Not exactly. You remember Ashley Hartwell?”

  “The girl from ninth grade?” He asked, his face morphed into a concerned frown. I wanted the smile back.

  “Yeah, her. She apologized for everything before we left school. She wants to hang out tomorrow. I’m newvous though.” I lifted the heel of my hand to my lips but there was no sleeve to suck on so I nibbled my nails instead. Cease caught the nibbling and eyed me.

  “Brook, be careful okay? Having friends is fine but make sure they’re genuine.”

  “All I’ve ever wanted was a fwiend. Before evewything went to shit the first day of ninth grade…I wanted to be her friend,” I scrunched my brows together and focused hard to pronounce at least one word right.

  “I understand,” he sighed and rubbed the back of my hand. “Please be careful.” I knew Cease thought Ashley was up to no good and I did too at first but I had to stop and think about it. She pulled me to the side when nobody else was around. She wasn’t trying to embarrass me and she stuck up for me with that asshole bumped me on the way out.

  She didn’t have to do that. She probably wasn’t perfect but I didn’t get the vibe that she was out to get me. Only time would tell but I had a good feeling.

  “She’s okay. Not pewfect but okay. I’ll try out the whole friend thing. If I feel like it’s going south, I’ll ghost her.” More of my words came out right and I smiled inwardly.

  “Okay, Kiddo,” Cease smirked at me and I slapped him with my pillow.

  That cute little pillow fight of ours turned into me on my back while Caesar dug his thick cock into me.

  “Cum all over my dick, Brook,” he demanded in a gruff voice that turned my insides to mush. My body liked Cease. No…it loved him. It reacted in ways I didn’t know were possible.

  When he said cum…I came.

  Hard.

  “Open those beautiful eyes. I love watching you cum.” He pushed my legs back until my toes kissed the headboard then he sank deep. So fucking deep. His weight on top of me made me feel like I was rooted to the earth.

  My legs shook without permission and moans exited my body left and right. High-pitched and throaty. Slow and hungry. They were all swirled into one cry as I melted all over Caesar’s dick.

  “Fuuuck,” Cease groaned as he emptied his heavy balls. His heat poured into me. I thought I was done with my orgasm until he took it upon himself to roll lazy circles around my sensitive clit with his talented fingers. The three orgasms that followed were sharp and quick and…holy fucking shit they made me lose sense of my senses.

  I think I blacked out.

  Well, not completely but I saw black encroaching on my vision. When he moved his fingers away, my vision came flooding back in like sensory overload. I whimpered and snapped my eyes shut, rolling onto my side.

  “Payback for what you did earlier,” Cease laughed, rubbing my back.

  “Asshole,” I muttered.

  “You liked it though. Tell me I’m lying.”

  He knew I couldn’t. I liked everything he did. It was all magical.

  **

  While I was in school the next day, I counted down the seconds until I could see Cease again. My brain refused to concentrate on anything other than how good it felt being with him. How free and clear my thoughts were. It was weird not having water in my head all the time.

  Ever since I realized I
was madly in love with Cease, the water hadn’t been a problem. I was relieved. Even one day without being underwater was amazing. It was like getting a pair of glasses for the first time and realizing how fuzzy everything was before.

  When the last bell of the day rang, I rushed to my locker and gathered my things. When I stood up, I let out a yelp and put my hand over my thumping heart. “Hey Brookie, wanna go to my house?” Ashley scared the shit out of me, but she was serious about wanting to hang out. My nerves jittered but I tried my hardest to keep them calm. If I let them go wild then the water would suck me in.

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “I can’t stay long though because I have an appointment.” I was a bundle of nerves waiting to run rampant as I tried to pick words that didn’t have R sounds in them. When I navigated my sentence pretty well, I pushed out a sigh of relief.

  “Cool. Follow me. I’m parked in the student lot.” We walked out together and my stomach buzzed with weird energy. I listened to Ashley ramble on and about nothing but it was better than listening to the shit that went on inside of my head.

  I had a friend.

  A smile slowly stole space on my face as we got to her car. “Where are you parked?” She asked, her eyes scanning the lot.

  “The black Toyota,” I told her pointing.

  “Oh, I see it. Cool.” She flashed a smile and I watched her get into her car before I hurried to mine. Once I was behind the wheel, I let out a small squeal. It was a pure burst of excitement that I couldn’t control.

  I drove behind Ashley to her house and gave myself a pep talk the entire time.

  You can do this Brooklyn.

  You’ll actually have a friend if you don’t fuck it up.

  It’ll be your first real friend since elementary school.

  When we pulled into the driveway I shut my eyes for a second and tried to calm my nerves. I could feel the water edging in on me though.

  Fuck.

  I slid my thumb from my sleeve and pulled back the material so I could see my scars. They were potent reminders of why I couldn’t let the water back into my head. I had to think about Cease. I had to remember how it felt to be at peace. To be happy.

  Ashley knocked on my window and I jumped. “Come on,” she smiled.

  “One sec,” I replied, hastily pulling my sleeve down. I forced myself to swallow the knot in my throat as I got out and followed Ashley to her house. I had to push through this. Normal girls did this shit all the time like it was nothing.

  The inside of her house smelled like vanilla candles. I tried to focus on the sweet scent and not the growing nerves scattering inside of my brain. “So, this is my house,” she shrugged. We headed to the kitchen where she offered me a soda. I obliged just to have something to do with myself. Otherwise, I’d wonder if I was doing everything right.

  Was I sitting right? Smiling at the right time? Nodding when I was supposed to?

  “I notice you always wear hoodies and long sleeves even when it’s hot. You’re not gonna like shoot up the school or anything are you?” Ashley laughed, tipping her can of Coke upward.

  “Oh…no. School shootews awen’t usually females anyway.”

  Stupid Brooklyn.

  So fucking stupid.

  Did you hear yourself mispronounce those R’s? You turned them into fucking W’s again.

  Ashley laughed a little and put her hand on top of mine. “The way you talk is so fucking cute. Stop being so self-conscious.”

  “It’s awful. I sound stupid,” I muttered, pressing my chin to my chest. Wisps of hair fell into my face, escaping my messy ponytail.

  “Girl, stop it. You’re fine. It is what it is.” She studied my face and I saw a flicker of something in her brown eyes. I couldn’t tell what it was. “Is that why you’re always wearing those hoodies and long sleeves? You feel like you have to hide?”

  “I don’t know. I…like them. They feel comfo…they feel good.”

  “Comfortable?” Ashley smirked. I felt my face heat to one thousand degrees. I hated it. She wasn’t making fun of me but I still felt something. I couldn’t tell if it was nerves or what.

  It was probably nerves.

  She just wanted to be my friend and I wanted a friend so badly.

  “Yeah,” I shrugged.

  “Hey, Brookie…are you um…a cutter?” Sirens blared to life in my head. Red, angry, and loud.

  “What? No,” I shook my head and stood up, ready to leave.

  “Hey, no judgment here. I told you I wanted to be friends. Friends know everything about each other. We’ve technically known each other since ninth grade so, no reason to hide.”

  “We weren’t fwiends though,” I frowned.

  Cease told me to be brave like a lion. He was like a lion. I had to channel some of his bravery so I didn’t bolt out the front door.

  “True. I want to change that though. Can I at least have a chance to prove I’m not still the same bitch from ninth grade?” She poked out her bottom lip and I fidgeted in my seat. I brought my sleeve to my lips and squeezed my brows together.

  “I don’t know…” I muttered against my sleeve.

  “Am I judging you? No. I don’t care about your speech impediment or if you’re a cutter. By the way, I was only asking because I saw you looking at your scars when you were sitting in your car,” she said.

  “Yes. I cut.” Bile burned the back of my throat but I forced it down. Why was this so hard? The girl was begging to be my friend. All I had to do was relax.

  “Shit. That’s deep, Brookie. You don’t have to do that shit. It’s stupid. Plus, life is too good to try to kill yourself.”

  “I don’t twy to kill myself,” I said sternly.

  “Oh…I’m sorry. I don’t know how that stuff works.”

  “I’m not suicidal.” At least not anymore.

  “Can I see your scars?” She asked. Her eyes widened with curiosity and she leaned forward. I folded my arms tight across my chest and shook my head.

  “No. I don’t show them to anyone.” I looked at my phone and stood up. “I gotta go, Ashley. Thanks for letting me hang out with you.” I headed to the front door and wrapped my fingers around the knob. It was cool to the touch and I welcomed it against my slick palm.

  “Brooklyn, I’m sorry. I’m just curious. That’s all. I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable. Can we hang out again tomorrow? Maybe when you don’t have an appointment?” She pled.

  “I don’t know. I’ll think about it,” I shrugged, opening the door. I needed air. My hands were starting to tremble. I’d been fighting off the water for too long and I was tired.

  “I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable,” she apologized again. A tug in my stomach told me to believe her. It was just hard to trust anyone. It was hard to have a friend. The only person I let inside was Cease.

  “It’s okay,” I told her, moving my feet to the porch.

  “I’ll text you.” Ashley waved as I hurried to my car and got inside. My breathing turned shallow the second my hand wrapped around the steering wheel.

  I was still fighting off the pull toward the roaring water. It would have been so easy to fall in headfirst and let it swallow me. It would have been easy to drive to the store and get a pack of razors, stash them in my car and open up my arms over and over until blood soaked my hands and turned sticky between my fingers.

  But why?

  Because someone wanted to be my friend?

  Because she was a little insensitive and curious about personal things? I had to learn to deal with things like that. Things worse than that.

  I clenched my teeth together and let out a frustrated growl. I couldn’t cut. I promised Caesar. I promised myself. I wanted to follow through this time.

  Tears leaked from my eyes. They were involuntary and I hated them. They were weak.

  I took turn after turn and drove where my GPS told me to until I reached Cease’s office building. I parked right beside his car. Just seeing it made my chest relax. I sniffled back more rebell
ious tears and headed inside.

  I stopped in the bathroom on the first floor and looked in the mirror. I missed the girl with the jade glow in her eyes. She was pretty. This girl in the mirror had wide eyes and trembling lips pressed into a hard line. Her nostrils were flared and her hair was a mess.

  That wasn’t who I was before I left the house this morning. This morning, I was tangled in the sheets with Cease between my legs, drinking from me like I was the only oasis in a desert. I forced my eyes shut and tried to relive that moment. It was only seven hours ago.

  I could feel Caesar’s facial hair tickling my inner thighs. I could hear my laughter turn to moans as he put his mouth on me. I was free in those moments.

  When I opened my eyes again, I could see the glow in my irises coming back. I realized I would see Cease in a few minutes. I couldn’t let him see me like that. I looked panicked.

  I splashed water on my face then rooted around in my hoodie pockets to find chapstick. I never wore gloss but suddenly I wanted to. I wanted wow Cease.

  I stared at my messy ponytail and frowned. I tugged the hair tie from my hair and finger combed it a little. Cease loved my hair down. I liked it too the more I saw myself that way. I wasn’t perfect but at least I looked better than I did coming in the door. Plus, I still had twenty minutes before my appointment with Dr. Hollows.

  I found Cease’s office with no problem. His door was open so I stood back and watched him for a few moments. He was so handsome. No…handsome was too buttoned up for Dr. Caesar Powers. I let my fingers slide over the golden nameplate on the door and smiled. Dr. Caesar Powers was fine as hell.

  When I knocked, his head jerked up and we locked eyes. The air around me grew balmy and I wanted out of the hoodie I was wearing. Cease’s cashmere brown eyes swept the area outside of his office when he poked his head out of door. The lone desk out there was empty so he tugged me inside and closed the door.

  I couldn’t wait to close the gap of space between us. It was too much.

  In the next second my hands were in his hair and his lips were on mine. “Cease, I missed you,” I breathed. I really breathed too. I took one of the deep breaths I could only take around Caesar. I drew in his perfect, clean scent and it made me feel grounded.