Tortured Whispers

by Danielle James

  “They’ll ask me to end the relationship though. If I don’t, they’ll have to bring charges.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek while I thought. “I have an idea though. I can’t change my name because my degrees are awarded to me but if I weren’t seen dating or even marrying Brooklyn Powers, nobody would bat an eye.” My pulse quickened mentioning my simple plan to someone outside of my head.

  Ronnie’s brows lifted high on his forehead as he regarded me. “A name change? She would need to get it outside of the state,” he said.

  “She’d need to get a new social security number and it would help if she became a resident of another state, then moved back to California and became a new resident with her new name and social. It could work though. It would work even better if I moved out of LA.” I looked at Ronnie and he nodded solemnly with his understanding.

  “I’d miss you at work, man but…I may have something else that would help depending on where you move. I want to see to it that you and Brooklyn are happy together. I know what the rest of the world sees and thinks but I see love and I see two people that need each other.”

  He had no idea how his words touched me, or maybe he did. They were exactly what I needed to hear. They gave me a renewed sense of strength.

  Like I’d said all along, Brook and I would have to jump through hoops but I would have the happy life we wanted and the life we deserved. We’d been through enough grief and sorrow.

  **

  Brooklyn…

  I was numb after Caesar told me I lost a baby that I didn’t even know I had growing inside of me. I wanted to be mad at something or someone and I was finally tired of beating myself up. The alternative wasn’t better though because it meant I beat up Cease.

  It meant I pushed him away and shut him out for the three days I was in the hospital. It meant he sat in silence day after day at my bedside, holding my hand while I slept and making sure the nurses did what they were supposed to do for me. I watched the man I love do everything he could for me and I couldn’t crack my mouth open to say a single word to him.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  It was my fault our baby was gone. A baby with Caesar was all I ever wanted. Because I let the water win, I lost something so precious. I was determined never to let the water win again.

  That was the only good part that came of my attempted suicide. It was my rock bottom. It was the darkest place I’d ever been in and I never wanted to go back.

  Yes, the Live Stream the Loser challenge Ashley recorded went viral being shared over two million times. Yes, I had to see myself for a week straight on the news over and over again moments before I sliced my wrists open. Yes, online I had to actually witness myself slashing my arms until I was soaking in my own blood. The sharing was so bad that the government stepped in and removed the video from Facebook, Instagram, and all the other platforms. It still lived on though. Nothing ever dies on the internet.

  Except for me.

  Over and over.

  Even with all the drama and heartache, I didn’t want to cut.

  I hated the way my arms looked more than ever after the gruesome cuts I dealt were sewn back up. It would be months before my hands were back to normal…or as normal as they would ever be.

  I’d never be a painter or surgeon and I’d never be a famous pianist for sure but I’d still be able to write and cook. I still didn’t want to cut.

  There’s something life-changing about seeing yourself die and knowing you killed something innocent in the process of selfishness. Nothing would ever make me cut again.

  **

  Walking into the house after almost dying was a sobering experience. My stomach knotted when I went into the bedroom and saw where the blood had been scrubbed. Faint red spots marked the brown carpet.

  That’s where I hit rock bottom. That’s where I lost my baby. That’s where I lost a part of myself. I shut my eyes and sat on the bed, willing the tears not to fall.

  It didn’t matter how many times I passed that spot, I remembered the hopeless feeling of sinking. I remembered feeling like nothing mattered and that I was alone in the world. My mind spun wildly out of control. It warped into something unrecognizable.

  The shame that invaded my thoughts was sharp and wicked. I wanted to speak to Cease as the days started to pass but I still couldn’t find my words. I couldn’t talk to him and I could tell he was dying inside without me. He tossed and turned night after night. He was always so far away and I wondered what he was thinking but I didn’t know how to ask.

  A part of me was afraid to hear him say that he was upset with me. He told me it wasn’t my fault but how could it not be? My hands made the cuts. My mind produced the thoughts. I wanted to die.

  Thursday night, when I couldn’t sleep for the fourth night in a row, I sat up and stared at Caesar. He was tossing and turning…again. He was so restless without me.

  A wave of emotion knocked against my fractured heart and my lips trembled. I reached a shaky hand out to touch his shoulder and he became still immediately. Even in his sleep, he needed me. I slid closer to him, closing the gap of space between us and letting my legs slide between his.

  A rumble started in his chest and his muscular arm locked around my waist. I was his even during his slumber. I slid my palm along his jaw and sucked in a breath. I loved him more than anything in the world. I loved him more than I loved life evidently.

  My heart thumped in my throat. Caesar was the most beautiful human being. He was my human being. Why did anything else matter? I was his and he was mine.

  I leaned in and breathed his air. I breathed his scent, fresh like laundry, soap, and deodorant. I brushed my lips along his, suddenly desperate for his touch and kiss. His hold on me tightened and I felt my stomach flutter to life. Heat rippled through me and I pressed my body against his even harder. I needed his proximity.

  I needed to feel him pumping through my veins.

  “Cease,” his name came out as a quivering breath but it made his eyes pop open like all he dreamt about was me.

  “Brook, are you okay?” He asked, groggy.

  “I’m sowwy,” I choked out through tears.

  “Baby…” he sighed, pulling me in tighter and burying his nose in my hair. The sobs that came from my mouth rocked my body. My shoulders shook and my wrists screamed in pain when I fisted Caesar’s shirt.

  “It’s okay, Brooklyn. It’s okay.”

  “I killed our baby,” I cried.

  “You didn’t know,” he said, kissing me over and over.

  “It’s still my fault. You can’t be that forgiving. You can’t. Why don’t you ever hate me! I did awful things and you still…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence. I felt ruined. I felt broken to the bone…no, deeper. I felt broken down to my cells and atoms.

  “I still love you and I always will. I’ve had my moments to be angry with you and to grieve and I’ll have more in the future but…I forgive you, Brooklyn Powers.” I don’t know what I expected from him but forgiveness wasn’t it. I wasn’t prepared for the relief and peace that flooded my brain and body.

  “I forgive you,” he said again, pulling me in tighter and closer until I thought I would meld with him and we’d turn into one.

  “Thank you,” I whispered against his shoulder.

  “I need for you to forgive yourself and know that it wasn’t your fault.” He pulled back and curled his fingers under my chin. My skin heated beneath his touch.

  “I-I wanted to die.”

  “Did you know you were pregnant?” He asked me, his cashmere brown eyes flitting over my features.

  “No, of course not.”

  “Then I need to hear you say you forgive yourself too. Start the healing, Brook. We both need it. We’ve got a long road ahead of us.” Caesar stroked my face and hair and I let my eyes fall shut.

  “I forgive myself,” I said as quiet as the darkness around us. He nodded and kissed my forehead then each of my eyelids. They were such sweet and tender kiss
es that I gasped. Maybe I did deserve a love like Caesar. I’d been through the darkest moments and he was still there. He never ran or shied away. He never shoved me away from him. He only pulled me in closer. I had no idea what I did to deserve a man like him but the rocky road we just crossed over was a clear sign that we belonged together.

  I would fight anyone to keep him.

  He was mine.

  I already died for him. Now, I was ready to live for him.

  Our lips collided in a slow kiss that set fire to my insides. How long had it been since he touched me this way? Oh god, it ached so vibrantly. It ached all over in the most delicious ways.

  “Caesar, make love to me,” I begged in staggered moans.

  “Are you sure, Brook?” He hovered over me and peered down. His eyes danced with love and relief.

  “Please, Cease. I need this. We need this connection.” I didn’t have to say another word. his lips dominated me in the best way possible. With every kiss, he coated my bruised heart with salve. Between my thighs throbbed with need each time he dropped a kiss to my neck. His teeth and lips nipped at my shoulders and throat while I bucked against him.

  His cock was so stiff that I couldn’t help grinding against it. I rolled my hips over and over creating invisible infinity loops. “Fuck, I missed you so much, Brook.” Cease’s voice was a deep, pained groan.

  I slid his boxer briefs down and gasped when his thick warm dick slapped against my pussy. I’d never been so wet. It had been too long and I needed him. He was my oxygen.

  “Show me, Cease. Show me how much you missed me,” I said, sandwiching his face between my palms. While he kissed me, his erection cushioned against my wetness, threatening to push in forcefully. He took his time though.

  I was even tighter than I remembered in the past, so he rocked against me until I stretched for him. Blood hummed in my veins once he was deep inside. I arched my back to better accept him and he hit a spot inside I didn’t even know I had.

  I moaned so loud, the air vibrated with sound. “Shit, Brooklyn.” He lost himself inside of me and I accepted every brutal thrust. I needed it. I’d forgotten how amazing his pain made me feel.

  “I’m not gonna last long, baby,” he told me. I didn’t care because I felt my body trembling with the need to release. In the next moment, I convulsed with a soul-rocking climax that stole the breath right from my lungs. Cease thrust into me a few more times before his heat surged into me, filling me up.

  “Fuck,” he cursed letting his cock pulse between my walls. He stayed there until his dick softened and even then, I didn’t want him to leave.

  We needed every second of that. My muscles were so smooth and nimble afterward and he went to sleep without moving once during the night.

  **

  “Wait, she’s actually getting arwested?” I asked, looking with wide eyes from Cease to Detective Buckman. He’d been handling my case like a pro and helping me navigate the shit storm in the media.

  After the live stream exploded all over, the police went looking for Ashley but her family hid her and claimed she ran away. “Yeah, they found her at a birthday party for her little cousin. She posted pictures on Instagram. I guess Miss Hartwell can’t stay the hell off social media. She’s being brought in right now. Her parents are calling for her bail amount but she doesn’t get bail. She’s officially a flight risk. She’s in there until her trial.” Buckman winked at me. My mouth hung open. I was in total shock but Cease laughed at it.

  “You hear that, Brook?” He patted my shoulder as I blinked repeatedly. In public, he was still my uncle and we were going with the defense that my journal was one huge lie and twisted fantasy even though it was inadmissible in court.

  “I can’t believe it,” I said.

  “Well, believe it. Attempted murder plus involuntary manslaughter is a serious offense,” Buckman said. I knew Ashley was getting charged with attempted murder but this was the first I was hearing about the involuntary manslaughter. My head spun and I tried to understand it all.

  My lawyer, Sandy Stein was always running late but dammit if she wasn’t amazing. She came in setting down her briefcase and pushing hair out of her face.

  “W-What was the involuntary manslaughter?” I asked her when she was settled. “I didn’t know anything about murder, Sandy.”

  “Well, dear,” she said in a nasal Boston accent. “Not only did Miss Hartwell attempt to murder you through suicidal encouragement, but she inadvertently murdered an innocent bystander. Your unborn child. The state is prosecuting. It’s news as of her arrest. God, the look on her face was amazing.

  News crews were crawling all over the place. I can show you if you wanna see but if you don’t, I understand.” Sandy had her phone tucked in her hand, ready to go. I wondered if I was a vindictive person because I wanted nothing more than to see Ashley’s face crumble when she was read her charges.

  I gave a slight nod and Sandy propped up her phone in the middle of the table we were all sitting at so everyone could see. Cops swarmed the house Ashley was hiding out at. The door seemed to burst into a million pieces when the cops kicked it in. I watched them drag her out and for the first time, she didn’t look innocent to me. Her doe eyes didn’t make me think of someone friendly.

  I knew how fucking evil she was and that’s all I could see. I could only see hatred and ugliness. I could only see someone that didn’t care if I lived or died.

  Her head was hung low so that her hair hid most of her face. I wanted to rip her fucking hair from her head. When it came to Ashley Hartwell, I wasn’t kind and forgiving. I wanted justice and I wanted her to suffer.

  “Ashley Hartwell, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of Brooklyn Powers and the involuntary manslaughter of her unborn child.” The cop on the video tossed Ashley against the car and held her hands behind her back while he cuffed her and read her Miranda rights.

  “What? Manslaughter? I didn’t…I didn’t know! I didn’t even touch her!” She shrieked wildly while thrashing against the metal cuffs. Seeing her anguish felt good. I didn’t know who said you couldn’t revel in the pain of others but I was reveling like shit.

  Sandy stopped the video and Buckman shook his head. “They are going to nail her and I’m going to make sure of it. She’s being denied bail and she’ll sit in jail until trial,” she explained again.

  “How long until her trial? I asked, looking from Buckman to Sandy.

  “Thirty days. I have a feeling they’ll try her sooner. This case is all anyone is talking about. Look, go home, get some rest and stay away from the windows and stay off social media. It’s scary,” Sandy warned. “We’ll go to trial soon and then we’ll get justice for you and your baby, Brooklyn.”

  “We’ll bury that bitch,” I said loud and fucking clear. Sandy gave me a high five and Buckman and Cease laughed.

  **

  “You know what I noticed?” Caesar asked as we drove away from the police station.

  “What?” I stared down at my arms and sighed as I tried to make a tight fist with my hands.

  “You said every R perfectly back there. I’m really proud of you, Kiddo.”

  “Stop it,” I whined.

  “What? You know I’m gonna fuck with you, Brook,” he flashed a heart-stopping smile.

  “I know. I really wouldn’t want it any other way.” I hooked my pinky around his and gave it a squeeze as best I could. Cease, of course, squeezed back.

  **

  Over the next few weeks, I started to regain more use of my fingers and hands with the help of physical therapy. I started going back to school too even though the principal offered me the learn-at-home option. Cease and Dr. Hollows told me it would be perfectly fine to take it but I wanted to prove to myself that I could be brave and face school again. I had to.

  It wasn’t that bad going back either. The noise and the kids rubbed me the wrong way, but I was okay. Knowing I’d see Caesar at the end of the day was enough for me to keep pushing.

&nb
sp; “Sandy sent me an email letting me know what time we should be at the courthouse for the trial in the morning. How are you feeling?” Cease asked me. I grabbed a yellow bowl from the cabinet and dumped fresh popcorn inside. We were having movie night and I picked the snack.

  “Pumped,” I smiled and stood on my tiptoes to kiss his lips.

  “Are you going to be okay sitting in the courtroom?” He quizzed.

  “Yes, Cease. I’m going to be okay. It’s not going to be easy but it’ll be okay. I think she’ll get convicted.”

  “I think so too.” He took the bowl from my hands and we moved into our room where he put on Netflix. I snuggled up beside him and laid my head on his chest.

  I needed one more moment of calm before I walked into the drama tomorrow. I knew there would be cameras everywhere. Everyone would try to get a statement and all eyes would be on me.

  My anxiety was through the roof but I still had no desire to cut. I did briefly wonder if I’d have the desire when I laid eyes on Ashley but fuck that. I couldn’t let her control one more aspect of my life.

  I let the feeling of Cease playing in my hair soothe me until my breathing returned to normal and I focused on the movie. There would be enough time for nerves in the morning.

  **

  Sandy picked out a blue and white dress for me to wear on the first day of Ashley’s trial. She told me that blue was a trustworthy color and she wanted people to look at me and see a victim whose word could be trusted. I wore it because I trusted Sandy. She hadn’t steered me wrong yet.

  I slid my arms through the white cardigan I picked out to wear over top of it and looked at myself in the mirror. Cease was in the kitchen with Dr. Hollows and I wanted to ask him how I looked but I changed my mind. I stared at myself with unblinking eyes.

  My posture was straight and I had that glow in my eyes that I loved to see so much. A light feeling settled in my chest. I was getting ready to make a major decision.

  I shrugged out of the cardigan and tossed it on the bed. My scars were on full display in the short-sleeved dress and I couldn’t lie and say I didn’t have a care in the world. Going without the cardigan was fucking terrifying but I realized with all the shit that I’d been through…being scared didn’t stop the world from spinning.