Four Last First Dates

by Kate O'Keeffe

  Dressed in black, she looked so small, so frail. I sucked in some air, tilting my head back to stop the tears flowing.

  Josh slung his arm around my shoulders, and I threw him a smile.

  George, Dan’s dad, took his wife in his arms to comfort her. “I miss you, too, son.” His voice was strangled, sending a shiver through me.

  Meredith dabbed her eyes with a lace handkerchief. “Did you want to say anything, Bailey?”

  I shook my head, the lump in my throat making my ears hurt. “Maybe later.”

  “All right, dear.” She reached out and patted me on the forearm. “Shall we release the balloons now, Josh?”

  “Sure.” He walked back to the tree at the edge of the beach, where he’d tied four balloons when we arrived. He untied them, returned, and handed one to each of us.

  “Purple this year, huh?” I said as I took the balloon from Josh. Last year they’d been white.

  “He liked purple when he was little, you know, until the boys in his class at school told him it was a girls’ color. I always thought that was such a shame. But he still kept his purple dinosaur under his pillow, making sure it was hidden away when his friends came over.” Meredith smiled at the memory.

  “He needed to fit in,” George said.

  “Well, he might have wanted to conform, but he always kept his individual spark.”

  “That’s the truth,” George replied.

  “I never knew that.” I tried to imagine Dan as a little boy with a purple dinosaur, secretly wishing he could share it with his friends. Despite my grief, I smiled at the image.

  I returned my attention to the balloon, reading the inscription:

  Always loved, always remembered, forever in our hearts.

  I scrunched my eyes shut, my chest tight. Holding a balloon each, I opened my eyes and looked up at the clouds forming overhead, the patches of pale blue littered across the sky.

  Josh held his balloon at my side. “I miss you, brother. Hope you’re riding your bike up there, loving every minute, doing all those awesome jumps.” He paused for a moment then released his balloon.

  It floated up into the air, climbing away from us, until it was a small purple dot, far above our heads.

  “Life has a lot less purple in it without you, Daniel. A lot less color, period. You are the first person I think of when I wake and the last person I think of when I fall to sleep. My darling Daniel.” Meredith released her balloon, but I couldn’t watch. My tears blurred my vision and blinking only served to spill them over until they were running down my cheeks.

  Without saying a word, George released his balloon, too. He wrapped an arm around Meredith’s shoulders, and they stood watching both of their balloons slip away.

  I gripped onto the string of mine, my nails digging into my palms. It was as though I was holding onto Daniel, as though letting the balloon go meant letting him go.

  And that was the last thing I wanted to do.

  I sniffed and wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. I glanced at Dan’s family. They were watching me, waiting for me to say my piece, to release my own balloon in honor of Dan’s memory.

  I froze.

  “I . . . I don’t think I can do it. Not this time.”

  “Can’t do what, dear?” Meredith’s voice was soft.

  “I can’t . . . I can’t let go.”

  What is wrong with me?

  We did this exact same thing a year ago today, and I’d managed to release the balloon then, managed to watch it float off into the sky through watery eyes. It had felt like a wonderful way to remember Dan, to do something symbolic, meaningful.

  This time? I didn’t know why, but it seemed different.

  Final.

  And it couldn’t be final, not when I’d given up my new love for Dan, to keep him safe inside my heart.

  I took a series of deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I willed my grip to loosen, just enough to let the balloon go, just enough so I could honor Dan the way his family had only moments ago.

  I felt a warm hand on my back. “Mom? Dad? I’ll see you back at the car, okay?” Josh’s voice was close, his presence reassuring. “Want to sit, talk for a while?” He placed his hand over my own hand holding the string.

  My panic rose. “Don’t let it go. Whatever you do.”

  “I won’t.” He took the string of the balloon from me, and I rubbed my palm. “Let’s go sit under that tree. It looks like it might rain.”

  “Sure.” We walked across the grass to the grand pohutukawa tree Josh had tied the balloons to when we arrived. I stepped over the gnarly roots and found a flat spot where we both sat, Josh still holding my balloon in his hand.

  He turned to face me. “This is about Ryan, isn’t it?”

  “What? No. It’s about Dan. Me and Dan.” I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, my eyes focused on the horizon. “It’s about me not forgetting him.”

  “Bailey, just because you’ve met someone new doesn’t mean you’ll forget Dan.”

  My insides churned like a slushy machine.

  “You know that, right?”

  I nodded, my throat burning.

  “I get it. Believe me. Falling in love with someone new must be hard. Really hard.”

  I snapped my head up, knitting my brows together. “Who said I’d fallen in love with him?”

  He smiled at me. “You’re telling me you haven’t?”

  My brain pole-vaulted me back to the courtyard, standing with Ryan among the sparkling lights, his lips crushed against mine. And further back, to playing Wii Baseball with him, our games of tennis, our date to the ball.

  And it was so clear, as plain as day to me.

  I was in love with Ryan Jones.

  “Bailey. I think . . . actually, I know Ned would want you to be happy. He wouldn’t want you to close yourself off to love. You’ve gotta trust me on that.”

  “But—” I let out a heavy sigh. “It doesn’t feel right, in here.” I placed my hand over my heart. “I can’t be happy, not with Dan . . . here, too.”

  How could I have room in my heart for Ryan and Dan at the same time?

  “Bailey.” I looked over into Josh’s kind face, my tears blurring my vision once more. “Ned—Dan—was a great guy. You know that, and I know that. He was the best brother I could ever hope for, and I think he was a pretty good boyfriend, right?”

  I gave a short, sharp nod.

  “But he’s gone. Not in here.” He pointed to my heart. “But he’s gone. You’ve still got your life ahead of you, Bailey. You gotta stop living in the past.”

  I bit my lip, trying to stem the flow of tears. I totally failed. I hung my head, allowing them to stream down my face, my shoulders heaving, my body wracked with sobs.

  Josh rubbed my back. “This has been killing you, hasn’t it?”

  I nodded.

  “Ryan seems like a good guy to me.” Josh’s voice was soft. “If you think you love him, then you need to follow your heart.”

  “But . . . Dan.”

  “You can still love Dan and love Ryan at the same time. It’s not an either-or situation, you know?” He laughed, and I couldn’t help but smile.

  I took a deep, wobbly breath, gazing out at the horizon. Josh had hit the nail on the proverbial head. I’d been so worried having feelings for Ryan meant I would no longer love Dan, that I’d lost sight of the fact the human heart has an infinite capacity for love.

  I let out a shaky sigh, wiping the tears from my face.

  Maybe it was time to let Dan go? Maybe it was time to move on with my life, to love someone new?

  But never forget. Never forget.

  I leant over and pulled Josh in for a hug, savoring his strength, his dependability.

  “Thank you,” I whispered in his ear. “Thank you.”

  I stood up and smoothed out my skirt. Pushing himself up to stand beside me, Josh offered me the balloon. I smiled up at him as I took the string in my hand, reading th
e inscription once more. I stepped out from under the tree and took a deep breath, gazing up at the sky. The clouds had parted, and a patch of beautiful blue opened up directly above me.

  I chose to take it as a sign.

  As I let the string go, the balloon floated up and away. I repeated the inscription to myself, watching it soar above me. “Always loved, always remembered, forever in my heart.”

  And I knew I would always remember Dan, I’d always hold him in my heart. But, in that moment, I also knew I’d found a new love, a love for now, a love for the future.

  And I needed to let him know.

  Chapter 26

  I STOOD ON THE sidewalk outside the Cozy Cottage and said goodbye to Meredith, George, and Josh. With his parents getting back in the car, I gave Josh an extra tight hug in thanks for his wisdom.

  “Go find your happiness,” he said.

  I beamed back at him. “I plan on it.”

  “And give my happiness a hug. Tell her I’ll see her tonight.” He flashed me a grin as he got into the car.

  I smiled back at him. I watched as Josh pulled away from the curb and merged with the street traffic.

  I let out a long breath. I knew what I needed to do.

  I had to see Ryan, and I had to see him now.

  Only, where was he? I searched my brain. It was Saturday so he wouldn’t be at work. He could be playing tennis, or just hanging out at home? Maybe out with friends?

  And then I remembered. At the ball, during the awards ceremony, he’d told me today was the day they “broke ground” on his firm’s new project. A new art museum with some wealthy benefactor. I remembered because it had coincided with the commemoration of Dan’s passing.

  And that was today.

  I glanced at my watch. It was almost one p.m. He’d said we could have a late lunch afterwards, so if my calculations were correct, I didn’t have a moment to lose.

  I pulled out my phone and typed in “new art museum Auckland” into the search engine. Clicking on the top link, I found the address. It was on the other side of town. I chewed my lip, wondering if I could get there in time.

  I had to.

  I selected the app and booked an Uber. I waited, drumming my fingers impatiently on my hand.

  “Bailey? I thought that was you.” Paige was standing in the entrance to the Cozy Cottage, holding the door open. “How did it go today?”

  I paused before I replied. “It was . . . enlightening.”

  She stepped toward me, allowing the door to swing closed behind her. “Enlightening? How?”

  A smile teased at the corners of my mouth. “In a good way.”

  Paige’s expression told me she was both pleased and confused. “That’s great, right?”

  A hybrid car pulled up quietly beside me. I glanced at the number plate—it was my Uber. I rushed over to Paige and gave her a hug. “That’s from Josh.”

  She laughed. “Thanks, but you still haven’t told me what’s going on.”

  I dashed across the sidewalk to the car and swung the door open.

  “Are you Bailey?” the driver asked.

  “Sure am.” I glanced back at Paige. “I will, I promise. But right now, I have to be somewhere.”

  She beamed back at me, clearly connecting the dots. “You go get him, girl.”

  The butterflies in my belly returned with reinforcements. “That’s exactly what I’m planning to do.”

  As the car made its slow progress through Auckland’s Saturday afternoon traffic, my mind was clouded with thoughts of Ryan. I thought about how he’d had to overcome his bitterness toward Amelia, how he’d shown me his vulnerability, his soft side. His willingness to work through it and give himself to me with an open heart took my breath away.

  I thought about our first official date, when he made me feel like a princess in Nona’s dress, when everything had seemed possible with him.

  I thought of the way he’d turned up with all those fairy lights at the café, how he’d decorated the courtyard, made it into the most romantic and enchanting place for Cassie and Will to tie the knot. How he’d looked at me with soft, loving eyes—and told me it was all for me.

  Most of all, I thought about how he made me feel. How he made me laugh, how his lips felt against mine, his arms pulling me into his strong body. How I’d smile, warmth spreading through my chest, whenever he crossed my mind.

  As the car wound through the busy streets, inching closer and closer to my destination, I knew it could be possible to love two men at once. It could be possible to find the room in my heart, to never forget the man I’d lost, but to have a future with the man I knew I wanted more than anything to be with.

  “We’re here,” the driver announced as he came to a stop on a street on the edge of the city.

  “Thanks.” I swung the door open and stepped out onto the sidewalk, an entire army of butterflies now furiously batting their wings in my belly.

  I could see a cluster of people, some with cameras and lights, all standing in a circle in a large, empty lot. On unsteady feet, I walked across the uneven ground, closing in on the group. I reached the edge, scanning the crowd for Ryan.

  I could hear a man addressing the crowd. “… and that is why we are so happy to be partnering together . . .”

  And then I saw him.

  He was dressed in a pair of navy pants and a light blue shirt, open at the neck, a white hard hat on top of his head.

  He was standing next to an older man in a suit, a spade in his hand, addressing the crowd. “. . . and I all think you would agree. And now, I’d like to welcome Ryan Jones from Accent Architecture to say a few words. Ryan?”

  “I’d be happy to say a few words, Rex,” Ryan replied with a smile I could tell was a little hollow, not quite reaching his eyes.

  I swallowed, my belly twisting in a knot. I’m the one who stopped his smiles.

  Ryan looked from Suit Man out at the crowd, lifting his head. “Everything Rex said is true. What we’re lucky enough to be doing here is important. We’re protecting this country’s art for not only ourselves, but for our children, and beyond.”

  I moved in a little closer to him, excusing myself so I could get a clearer view. He began to speak again. And then his eyes landed on me, a flash of recognition on his face—and something more. Something that stopped the butterflies, something that had my heart contracting in my chest. I smiled at him, my breath shortening, my heart pounding like a heavy drum.

  With his eyes on me, he began to talk once more. Only this time I knew he was speaking just to me. “Because there are some things that are worth protecting, there are some things you just can’t let go of. Not just for today, not just for next year, but forever.” He paused, hope in his eyes, a flicker of a smile on his lips.

  I returned his smile tenfold as warmth spread through my body and down my limbs. I nodded. “Yes. Yes, that’s right.”

  The people by my side turned to look at me in surprise.

  Emboldened, I continued. “Even if those things wanted to be let go. They might have changed their minds. They might have made a mistake.”

  I could feel more eyes on me as people stepped back to allow me to walk closer to Ryan. I took a few tentative steps and paused, wringing my hands, my eyes on Ryan.

  “Did they? Make a mistake, I mean?” Ryan asked, his voice breathless.

  I gave a slow nod, my breath catching in my throat. “They did.”

  Ryan’s face lit up, and he grinned. He pulled his hard hat from his head and took a few short strides across the ground to me. With only inches separating us—and a riveted audience of about forty and a bunch of cameras trained on us to boot—I reached out to touch his hand.

  “I’m so sorry, Ryan. I thought I was ready to find someone when we met. But I wasn’t. I needed to let Dan go first.”

  “And have you? Have you let him go?”

  I pressed my lips together and nodded.

  His eyes flashed, his handsome face lit by the grin stretching from
ear to ear. Before I knew what was happening, he leant down and picked me up off the ground, my legs draped over one of his strong arms, his other arm holding my body close to his. I slung my arms around his neck as he gazed into my eyes. “You have no idea how happy that makes me feel, De Luca.”

  Tears pricked my eyes. “I love you, Ryan. I love you with all my heart.”

  He leant down and crushed his lips against mine. And I kissed him back, my heart bursting as I breathed in his scent, safe and warm, enveloped in his strong arms.

  Exactly where I wanted to be.

  I was vaguely aware of applause around us as I pulled away from his lips. I glanced around and noticed everyone watching us, smiling. Cameras were trained on us, and I felt the heat of a blush creep up my cheeks.

  “Do you want to get out of here?” His breath sent tingles down my neck.

  “Totally.”

  He placed me back on my feet, taking my hand firmly in his. He turned to the crowd. “Show’s over, folks.” He turned to Suit Man. “This project is going to be amazing, but right now, I’ve got to go.”

  Suit Man beamed at us. “Love can do crazy things to people.”

  “This looks like a romantic reconciliation, am I right?” A woman with spikey pink hair thrust a microphone in my face.

  I locked eyes with Ryan. “It sure is.”

  “What’s your name, sweetie?”

  The crowd parted as we walked through them and out into the lot. Ryan slipped his arm around my waist, pulling me in to him.

  “I hope I didn’t ruin your big moment.”

  “Ruin it? Are you joking? You made it.”

  We reached the entry to the lot and walked down the sidewalk, away from the prying eyes—and cameras.

  Ryan stopped, turned, and looked down at me. He brushed some stray hair from my face and leant down to kiss me once more.

  “God, I love you, Bailey De Luca.”

  “I love you, too,” I whispered.