Dirty Secret Baby

by Alycia Taylor

  His eyes lit up. “Yes please.”

  “And how about you? Coffee? Tea? Uh . . .” I trailed off as I realized how very little I knew about her. She was the mother of my child, and I didn’t even know what she liked to drink.

  “Coffee would be great, thank you.”

  I made us both a cup and then handed the milkshake to Bobby, and the two of us went to sit in the living room. I was so grateful to have Bobby around. The boy was an endless bundle of energy and loved nothing more than launching into stories to tell us. I wasn’t sure how much he knew about the situation, and I reminded myself that I would have to ask Savannah when he wasn’t around. But then, just on cue he looked up at me and smiled.

  “You’re my daddy,” he said.

  I gasped. I looked at Savannah. Had he just figured it out? But she was smiling. She nodded.

  “He knows?”

  “Yeah. I’ve told him as much as I could. I thought it was always better to be honest with him.”

  Well, you could’ve been honest with me too, I thought but didn’t say anything. I was glad that Bobby knew and glad that she had chosen this method with him. I was sure there was still a lot he didn’t know, just as there was still a lot that I didn’t know. But I was impressed at how level-headed Bobby was through it all. He knew the facts, and he had a lot of questions for me. Mostly, it seemed, about drag racing. I told him everything but left out the part about how I used to do it illegally and how that was where I had met his mother. When I noticed the time, I stood up.

  “Uh, I actually have a race to go to now. I almost forgot about it.”

  “Can we come?” Bobby said.

  “Not this time,” I said. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to concentrate with them around. “But you and your mom can spend some time settling in here. And please, help yourself to anything. I’m sure you’re hungry. I probably won’t see you when I get home, but I’ll see you in the morning. Have a good first night here.”

  “Thank you,” Savannah said and shot me a grateful look.

  I went to change and then said my goodbyes, and as I walked out, I realized just how odd it was to be leaving with a woman and a child sitting in my living room. I pictured them rummaging through the kitchen as I left and felt strange about knowing they would be looking through my things. My mind was spinning, and I had to force myself to calm down as I made my way to the shop to meet the rest of the crew. When I got there, I took a deep breath and shoved all thoughts of Savannah and Bobby out of my head. I had a race to get to.

  Chapter Eight

  Savannah

  Living with Axel was strange. I’d spent six years avoiding him and trying not to think about him. Now, here I was—not just back in his life again, but living with him. And even though we’d spent an amazing night together six years ago, and even though he was the father of my child, I really knew so very little about him. That first night, when he’d gone racing, I’d tiptoed around the house. I didn’t want to snoop and didn’t know what to do with myself. I looked in the kitchen and made Bobby and I something quick to eat. Even though he said we could help ourselves I still felt strange using his things and eating out of his pantry. Instead, I made us some peanut butter on toast.

  “Can we have toast every night?” Bobby asked.

  I laughed. Bobby had always been one for simple tastes when it came to food. I had always made sure that he got in his fair share of vegetables and fruit and always made an effort to keep his food as varied as possible. He always ate whatever I gave him, but I knew that if he was given half a chance, he would spend his days eating cereal, or toast, or pasta.

  “Not every night. I need to go and buy some food for all of us soon. But for now, we’ll just have to eat whatever Axel has for us.”

  “Or we can just have toast every night?” he suggested again, and I giggled.

  “We can for now. So enjoy it while it lasts.”

  “Oh, I will. Mom, I like living here. Axel is so cool.”

  I smiled. “Yes, he’s very nice. And this house is lovely.”

  “Can we stay here forever?”

  I froze. I didn’t know what to say to that. I was just grateful that Axel wasn’t around when Bobby had asked that question.

  “One day you and I will have our own house. I’m working towards making that dream come true. I promise. I know you like it here, but we can’t stay here forever.”

  “Why not? I’m sure Axel won’t mind. He said he likes hanging out with me.”

  “I’m sure he does. But this is his house, remember? We need to find our own.”

  “But will we visit all the time?”

  “Of course we will,” I said even though I had no idea what the future held for us.

  Afterwards, I helped Bobby in the bath and settled him in his room. I asked him if he wanted to come to the basement and sleep with me, but he seemed adamant that he wanted to sleep in his own room. I made him promise that he would come and find me if he needed me. But that night, he didn’t come down once. I was surprised because it was the first time he’d slept without me. But Bobby had always been a confident boy, and he was proving this to me more and more. I was the one that battled to sleep without him. I tossed and turned for hours. I was too scared to fall asleep in case Bobby needed me. Every noise I heard sounded like it might be from him, but I knew I was imagining things. I resisted the urge to go to his room and crawl into bed with him. Sometimes I thought that I needed him more than he needed me. It had been a very long time since I’d thought about myself as an individual. For six years, the only thing I had been was Bobby’s mother. Nothing else mattered as long as he was safe and sound.

  I lay awake for such a long time that I even heard Axel come home. I heard his bike pull up into the driveway and I was glad that he was back. I wondered if he would check in on Bobby and if he was thinking about the fact that I was in his basement.

  I hadn’t spent much time with Axel yet, but I was grateful for what he had done for us. He could’ve easily turned his back on us. I wasn't sure many other men would’ve had the same reaction he'd had. He was angry, that I knew, but he was still putting Bobby first. It was hard to explain how it felt watching him interact with Bobby. I hadn’t realized how much I had wanted that until I saw the two of them together. It broke my heart to know that I was the one that had prevented them from being together all these years. I thought I had done the right thing, but now I wasn’t so sure anymore. It took me hours to eventually fall asleep.

  When I woke up the next morning, it was later than usual. I jumped into the shower, threw on some clothes and went upstairs to look for Bobby. He wasn’t in his bedroom, but I could hear him talking to Axel. I found the two of them sitting at the kitchen table. It looked like the most natural thing in the world, like they did it every day of their lives. How could something so unnatural be so natural? Bobby smiled when he saw me.

  “Mom! You’re up!”

  “I’m sorry I’m so late. I don’t usually sleep in like that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just couldn’t stop sleeping this morning. I just battled to get to sleep last night, so I think I was making up for it this morning.”

  “Oh, is the bed not comfortable? I’ve never used it before, so I have no idea. Did you need anything?” Axel asked.

  I smiled at him. “No, everything was perfect. I guess it’s just being in a new environment. I’m sure it will just take some time to get used to. And, well, I’m not used to sleeping without my boy. How about you, Bobby? Did you sleep well?”

  He grinned. “I slept well. Sometimes people say when you sleep well, you sleep like a baby. But I slept well, and I’m not a baby. I’m six. I like my new bed. And my new room. It’s so cool. I wanted to stay up and wait for Axel to come home but I put my head on the pillow and fell asleep. When I woke up, it was morning, and I don’t even remember having a dream. I always dream.”

  I laughed at his enthusiasm. Bobby was a morning person for sure. I wondered if that would ever change. �
��Well, I’m glad to see that you’re not a worrier like your mom.”

  “Breakfast?” Axel asked. “We were just about to tuck in.”

  “Oh, no, that’s okay. We can make something ourselves.” I didn’t want Axel to think that he had to make breakfast for us each morning too.

  “Bobby and I have already decided that we’re going to have cereal this morning. Quick and easy.”

  I smiled. “In that case, I’ll join you.”

  We all sat together eating our breakfast like a family, and the whole thing was wonderful, strange and scary all at once. I could tell that Axel felt confused too. The two of us kept shooting glances at each other and then looking away as soon as we caught each other other’s eyes. A few days ago Axel hadn’t even known that Bobby existed or what had happened to me, and now we were both sitting with him in his kitchen eating breakfast. The whole thing was so absurd. It was only Bobby who didn’t seem to notice the tension in the air, and for that I was grateful.

  “How did the race go last night?” I asked just so that I could have something to say.

  “It went well. I still love it as much as I used to before. I don’t think I’ll ever stop enjoying it.”

  “Yeah, it’s with you for life. I’m glad to see you’re still doing it. You always were one of the best.”

  “I beat you, that’s for sure.”

  “You beat mom?” Bobby asked.

  I looked at Axel and shook my head. I had been honest with Bobby about almost everything, but I hadn’t told him about the illegal racing, and I definitely didn’t want him to know that now.

  “Of course he did,” I said. “He’s the best racer out there. So, how did you do last night?” I asked and hoped that Bobby wouldn’t notice the shift in conversation.

  “Uh, I won,” he said modestly.

  I laughed. I wasn’t surprised at all. I was surprised that Axel had turned to legal drag racing, but I wasn’t surprised that he was still one of the best. He’d always had a drive that nobody else in the game had. “Of course you did.”

  “So, what have you got planned for today?” he asked me.

  I’d been thinking just that very question this morning. Now that I wasn’t working with my father anymore, I was going to have to find a way to support myself. This stay with Axel couldn’t last forever, and I needed to find a way to get myself out of this slump that I was in. Without my father, I now had no more income, and the last thing I wanted to do was to run back to XMC to get my job back. I had to prove to them that I could make it on my own. I sighed.

  “Well, first things first, I need to find a job as well as some sort of childcare for Bobby. Job first, I guess. Then I can pay for childcare. I’m not even sure where to begin though. It’s a big world out there,” I mused. “So I guess that’s what I need to start on today. I was just thinking about that this morning. Trying to figure something out.”

  Axel waved his hand in the air. “You’ll be fine. Things always have a way of working themselves out. You’ll see. Anyway, I’m sure I can figure out something for you. I’ll give it some thought today.”

  I should’ve been thankful for his words, but for some reason, they just grated on me. It probably had more to do with me feeling helpless, which was a feeling I wasn’t used to. I had always tried to have a hold on my life, although I was starting to feel more and more like I had been fooling myself. I’d relied on my father for years and had been too afraid to stand up for what I believed was right. Even though I had now made a big move, I felt scared, and I hated that.

  “I’m fine!” I said a little too harshly.

  Axel looked at me in confusion. “Excuse me?”

  “I’m fine!” I said again. “I’ve got this. I don’t need you to rescue me. I am perfectly capable of finding my own job, thank you very much.” Of course, I regretted the words the moment they were out of my mouth. Why was I acting like such a baby? I felt ashamed, but I didn’t want to admit it. I felt my cheeks burning from shame.

  Axel frowned at me, confused and surprised by my outburst. “Oh yeah? Then why are you here? Because, from the way it looks to me, you do need help.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I changed the subject so that Bobby didn’t have to be privy to my pettiness. I hated nothing more than fighting in front of him. He was a good boy, and he didn’t deserve to listen to my complaints. And, Axel was right; I did need help, and I should be grateful for anything I could get. I was just about to apologize when Axel scraped his chair back loudly and stood up.

  “Okay,” he said. “I have to go to work today. How about I take Bobby with me, and you can figure out what you want to do with your day? He can come to the shop and see how we run things there. I’m sure he’ll love it.”

  “Axel, you don’t have to—"

  “Yes!” Bobby interrupted. “Oh please, Mommy. Can I go? I want to go with!”

  I sighed. It was impossible to say no to Bobby. Also, it might be nice for me to have the day to myself to really think things through. I needed to make a plan, but it was hard to come up with anything with him around. “Okay. You can go. Thanks, Axel, that’s very nice of you. Come on, let’s get you ready then, Bobby.”

  I took Bobby to his room and found something for him to wear. I helped him change, and then I looked at him.

  “You’re going to be a good boy today?” I asked.

  “Yes!”

  “Remember that Axel has to work, so you mustn’t get in his way, okay?”

  “Okay!”

  “And you must listen to him. If he tells you to do something you must do it.”

  “Yes, mom.”

  I laughed and pulled him close for a hug. “I’ll miss you.”

  “I’ll miss you too, mom,” he said, but he was already desperately trying to get back to Axel. I shook my head and followed them outside. I waved to both of them and watched them go. It was clear that Bobby felt comfortable around Axel. I was glad for it, but it made me feel strange. What was I going to do now? The more attached he got to Axel, the harder all of this was going to be. I still wasn’t sure if coming back was the right thing to do. I sighed. I had to do what was right for Bobby, no matter hard that was for me. And right now, that meant a chance for him to get to know his father. Something I should’ve done a long time ago. This was probably the most important time of Bobby’s life.

  I closed the door and made my way back into the house. I did all the dishes and made myself a cup of coffee. I had the house to myself now. I wasn’t used to being alone. I sat in the living room, just drinking my coffee and thinking about what I had said to Axel. I felt guilt streak through me. He’d taken me in and been so kind to Bobby, and I’d been horrible to him in return. But Axel somehow had a way of getting under my skin. It had been years since I’d last interacted with him, and I knew why I was feeling so annoyed at him. It wasn’t because I wasn’t grateful for everything. It was because, even after all this time, I still found him so incredibly attractive. And that, above everything else, frustrated me.

  When I was finished with my coffee, I decided to take a walk around the house for the first time. I avoided his bedroom because that just felt too much snooping, but I checked out everything else. Without Axel or Bobby around, I finally had the chance to really look at everything. I couldn’t help but smile as I made my way around. Axel had done well for himself since I’d last seen him. Back then I wasn’t sure which direction his life would take. There was a big chance that he could’ve gone down the wrong path in life. Instead, he had completely turned his life around. It was hard not to feel impressed. I was glad that Bobby would have such a positive person in his life. Axel had clearly worked very hard to get to where he was. I couldn’t believe that this was the same man that had raced me all those years ago. He now owned his own shop and owned his own house. I was the now the one with a life that was falling apart.

  Chapter Nine

  Axel

  Pop stopped by early that morning on his way to work. He wanted to see i
f Bobby wanted to help him out with a few things. With Candice and Dominic about to have a baby, it was clear that he was trying to get as much practice in as possible. He had taken quite a liking to Bobby and the two of them got along almost like Pop really was his grandfather. It was sweet. I wanted to talk to Savannah, but she was sleeping. I had a feeling she hadn’t slept in much over the past few years. She seemed to be making up for it now. Bobby was the complete opposite. I’d always been an early riser, but Bobby was even more so. I would wake up to his happy and shining face waiting for me in the kitchen. I liked spending time with him before the rest of the world woke up. I still couldn’t believe sometimes that he was my son, or that I had a son in the first place. Some days I felt happy by the prospect and other days it scared me to no end. But Bobby was a very easy kid to love.

  “Can I go?” he said to me when Pop came by.

  “Sure. I’m sure it will be fine with your mother. I’ll tell her when she wakes up. I know you’re in good hand with Pop here.”

  “Do you love Rice Krispies?”

  “Uh, what?” Pop asked.

  “Do you like eating that in the morning?” Bobby asked again as it if were the most normal question in the world.

  “Well, yes. I do, actually. Why?”

  “Because of your name. Snap, crackle, pop. Is that why they call you Pop?”

  Pop burst out laughing and so did I. Bobby came up with the most interesting things. “Yes, that’s the reason.”

  Bobby grinned. “That’s so cool. Hey, can I be Snap then?”

  “Only if I can be Crackle,” I said.

  “Bye, Crackle,” Bobby said as he walked off with Pop.

  I shook my head and closed the door, chuckling to myself as I walked back to the kitchen. Savannah liked Pop, so I was sure that she would be fine with it all. I had to get to work myself too and decided it would be a good idea to take Savannah with me. I had a few ideas up my sleeve, and I didn’t want her to have to stay at home alone again. I went to the kitchen and made us both a cup of coffee. I now knew exactly how she liked it. A touch of milk, strong and no sugar. Exactly how I liked it myself. Once the coffee was made, I made my way to the basement. I figured she’d be up by now.