Saviour

by Lesley Jones

  “Yes” Shouts Gabe “You beauty” he turns to me and gives me a kiss. We are in a room full of people but I can't help the desire that runs through me.

  “Get a grip and get a room” Zac calls out but Gabe is already pulling away from me, looking over my shoulder towards the stairs. My eyes follow to where he's looking, there's a dark haired woman staring right at us. I feel him tense and for the first time since knowing him, I watch as his eyes become like ice, this must be Jackie and he really doesn't like her!

  She's tall with unnaturally jet black hair, her eyes are green with no warmth to them, her skin is dark, too dark, fake, and she is wearing a lot of makeup.

  She heads straight for us, not taking her eyes off me.

  “Gabriel, good to see you and this must be Lauren, is it? Glad you could join us” I don't believe she means that for a minute, her stare is cold, her tone icy, I can't quite put my finger on it but there's something off. She's still got her eyes on me as she offers her hand, I'm far too polite to do anything other than smile.

  “Hi Jackie” as I take it and then I watch her as she leans in to kiss Gabe on the cheek, he leans back, out of her reach, I can feel his whole body tense, he really doesn’t like this woman. She steps back and looks at him, up and down, then right into his eyes and there it is, I know that look, I've been watching it on women's faces for years, when they've looked at my husband and my sons as they have gotten older but more recently I have seen it almost constantly these past weeks, on the face of just about every woman that's looked at Gabriel. It's desire. She fucking fancies her own stepson. Is that why he has issues with her? Wow, that has to be awkward for him and wrong on so many levels, she’s his step Mum for crying out loud, she’s been with Charlie since Gabe was just fifteen, fifteen, my eyes fly to meet his. My heart stutters in my chest and my stomach roils. Fifteen, no, no way? I am aware of the sound of air or my own blood or something, rushing through my ears, blocking out all other sound, I lean back with one hand on the bench as a million different thoughts hit my brain.

  It was her, do the math, she's the one, it adds up. No, surely not.

  Sam appears at my side, but I ignore her, I need to focus on this horrible, nasty, little thought that has now popped into my overactive mind.

  50-35=15, he said he was fifteen; Fifteen years old when he got his first blow job. From an older woman, it was her, his own step mother.

  No, surely not, I’ve got this all wrong, I must have it wrong, I really want to be wrong but what if I haven’t? Was it him or was it her that instigated it, did it matter, did they have sex?

  No, I’ve got it wrong, he wouldn’t, she wouldn’t, she wouldn’t. I’m wrong, I’ve got to be wrong.

  I can barely breathe, all these thoughts are banging around my brain in a matter of seconds and I feel unsteady on my feet. I gulp my wine as sound starts to penetrate my ears again and I hear her say.

  “ ... Well okay but it’s good you could make it today, you know it's always good to see you Gabriel, we don’t see you enough, I was saying this to your Father just yesterday” she reaches out and puts her hand on his forearm but he moves it away as I look up at him.

  Game over, I want to be sick. My blood runs cold.

  “Lauren, we'll have a proper catch up in a bit, I need to start getting some food organised for my hungry family”

  I manage a slight smile.

  He very slowly raises his eyes from his arm where she touched him, up to meet mine again and as soon as he looks at me, my worst fears are absolutely confirmed. His own fucking step mother. Unconsciously, I’m shaking my head at him and he knows that I know. I feel sick, I feel dizzy, I'm hot, I'm cold, and my legs are barely holding me up. My blood feels like it’s being drained from my body and replaced with something else, what, what is it running through my veins? I don’t know but it’s as cold as ice and burns like fuck. My head is swimming; I feel like I might actually pass out. How could I have been so stupid? This is all just a game to him, how many others, how many more married women have there been? But that's not the issue, that's not what's made my stomach churn, it’s her and him together, his own stepmother. How could he do that, with her and knowing that he had, how could he let me walk in here, into the middle of all this, why did he bring me here? I want to leave, I want to run far, far away. He whispers from beside me “Lauren, please let me...”

  “Don't” I say through gritted teeth “Just don't Gabe” a tear rolls down my cheek as I blink and I quickly brush it away before anyone notices. I’m hurt and I am so fucking angry with him but mostly at myself, what a fucking idiot I have been, I just want to get out of here, but I need to calm myself first. I turn and walk over to the fridge, I take out the bottle, intent on pouring myself a very large glass of my favorite wine, the wine that my oh so thoughtful 'Baby' has had delivered especially for me, I actually feel bile rise in my throat and I swallow to keep it down. My hot sweaty palms grip around the bottle. I take deep breaths and try again to clear my head, as I turn around Sam is beside me, she takes the bottle out of my hand and pours my drink, she passes my glass back to me and picks up her own and fills it. She looks at me and says “Lauren, it wasn't his fault”

  What. She knows? Do they all know? Does Charlie know? What sort of fucked upness have I walked into here? I frown at her. My thoughts are spinning out of control. “Let’s go upstairs and look at the view, we can talk up there”

  Zac is standing with Gabe and they are both staring at us, Gabe looks devastated. Sam takes my hand and leads me up the stairs. There's a huge rumpus room up there and about ten kids of various ages all running around, playing pool, on the computer, or playing on a play station game; its chaos, the noise is deafening, like a school play yard. Sam shouts “hey kids, hope you’re all behaving” they all nod in affirmation and some verbally state that they are. Like a kid would fess up and say, noooo I’m being really bad, I almost giggle at my thoughts but it’s because of nerves, not because I’m particularly funny. We head out the doors to the balcony blocking out the noise as we close them. I take in a few deep breaths, it’s cold outside, but it feels good and my head starts to clear, “I knew, as soon as you looked at her, looking at him, that you knew something had gone on. If that at all makes sense?”

  I nod saying only “God I need a smoke”

  She pulls a box out of her pocket. “Shit yeah, I thought you would never mention it” she passes me a cigarette and pulls out one for herself and lights them. We both take a sip on our drinks and look out at the view. We stand in silence for a few minutes.

  “He had just turned 15 when Jackie arrived on the scene, there had been no one in Charlie's life since Angela died, and then he brings her home. I had been with Zac about a year then and myself and Gabe were already the best of friends, we always told each other everything, Zac got a bit jealous sometimes but he was also glad that Gabe had someone to talk to. He was a bit of a handful, no Mum, and a workaholic Father; it made the boys very close and protective of each other. Anyway, Jackie started staying over, we soon realised that she was leading Charlie around by his dick; he was obsessed, so God help anyone who said anything bad about her. We all noticed a sudden change in Gabe; he went from being loud, mouthy, argumentative to, well, nothing, not a word. He suddenly threw himself into school work, staying behind for extra lessons, always in his room doing homework. The problem was, I wasn't buying it, something just didn’t sit right with me; it wasn't like he had turned over a new leaf or had this sudden epiphany, he was still a fucker most of the time but when he was at home, he wasn't just quiet, he was closed off, distant. Anyway, Charlie and Jackie were away one weekend in Queensland and Me, Zac and Coop had been left in charge of Gabe and Stella. We had a few beers on the Saturday night and we let Gabe join us. I had noticed that from the second that woman left the house, he had become more like his old self, he was laughing and smiling, talking, any way a few beers in and we started talking about Jackie, none of us liked her so we were all bitching and suddenly
Gabe bursts into tears. He was a big strong boy already. At fifteen, he looked eighteen, twenty and here he was sobbing like a baby in front of his brothers, in front of me, any way it all comes out, she had been coming into his room, at night, in the morning, whenever she got the chance, first off she was giving him a hand job, then blow jobs, then full on fucking. He's a fifteen year old boy, full of hormones, he had no chance of not getting a hard on and she knew it. She had threatened to tell Charlie it was all him, that he had come on to her, attacked her even, if he said anything. The boys went apeshit, we all did, they wanted to fly up to the Gold Coast and confront her. But I calmed them down and convinced them to approach her once she was back, to let her know, we all knew what she had been up to, but we also needed to try and keep it from Charlie, we knew it would break his heart if he found out and none of us wanted that.”

  She offers me another cigarette and I take it, my mind is reeling, I cannot believe what I am hearing. I want to kill her, Jackie, I want to inflict pain on her in a way that I have never, ever wanted to hurt another person.

  “So we all go to bed that night, in agreeance that we would deal with it quietly when they get back and that she had to go. We let Gabe get thoroughly pissed, we all had a good cry as we said our good nights but he seemed okay, in a much better place. Three o'clock that morning, Coop gets a phone call; Charlie's had a heart attack and is critically ill in hospital. We all end up flying up to the Goldie. Give Jackie, her due, she was good, she never left his side, and she did seem to be truly devastated. As soon as he started to get better, he proposed to her and she, of course, said yes. We realised then, there was no way we could get her to leave him but we still told her that we knew what she had been doing, that we had evidence and that if she ever went near him again, we would have no hesitation in going public and this news would possibly cause Charlie to have another heart attack, or worse. It was harsh but, we felt, our only option, we had to protect Gabe at all costs. There was weeping and wailing, begging and promises, apologies and excuses from her. So it all came to an end. She left him alone. But he was left fucked up, seriously fucked up. He has had anger management issues since he was small, it all started after his mum died but nothing like this, he was fighting all the time, I lost count of the amount of times the police bought him home drunk or because he'd been in another blue. Everyone thought he was angry at his Dads’ marriage and he was but little did they know the reason why he was so pissed off”

  She rubs her hand over her jaw and her mouth as she speaks; this is as painful for her to talk about as it is for me to listen to

  “In the end the boys had to get him into therapy, all without Charlie finding out. Eventually it seemed to do the trick, he calmed down, he still wouldn't be in the same room as Jackie, but he was able to stay calm when he was around her. He's always been really bright so he took most of his VCE's in year 11 so Charlie agreed to let him leave school as long as he went back and finished any outstanding exams; he started working full time in the family business and hasn't looked back since. You would probably know more than me about how he is now but I think he's still affected by it, he still has serious trust issues, he has to know every detail of every situation, and he likes to be reassured all the time and can be quite self-destructive. He went through a stage of only fucking married women, like it was a revenge type thing, especially after he caught Nina with another bloke, even though he never loved her. That all stopped though, when he was about twenty five and Coops wife had an affair, he saw then, first hand, the devastation it caused”

  She pauses and wipes the tears from her face and mine. “But you need to know it wasn't his fault, really and truly Lauren, it was rape, she raped him. If he had been a girl and she was a man, we would have gone straight to the police but because that wasn't the case, we didn’t. Whether that was right or wrong, I don't know, we were a bunch of kids and dealt with it the best way we could at the time, but we still worry about him, we all worry that we let him down, that we shouldn't have let it happen in the first place”

  She lets out a very deep breath and drains her glass. I'm holding myself up on the balcony rail, my legs feel like they are going to go from under me and I'm looking around for somewhere to vomit. Sam moves closer and puts her arm around my shoulder.

  “I'm sorry Lauren but I needed you to know how it was, he's told Zac how much he likes you and I am not having that bitch ruin any more of his life. He's kept women at arm’s length for all these years. Nina was an almighty fuckup, but that was just Gabe trying to do the right thing and also panic setting in when he thought he might lose his daughter. The only people he allows himself to get close to are all of us and of course Ava, who he loves with every fiber of his being but since he's met you, the boys have noticed such a change in him, how his eyes light up when any one asks about you, he talks about things you've said that he thinks are funny, the boys say it’s just been hilarious to watch, he really has no idea about relationships as I'm sure you’re realising but just watching him walk in here with you today, the look on his face, his body language, I have never seen him like that, ever. I hope you understand why I needed you to know, I'm probably going to be in so much trouble but he's such a good bloke, I love him so much, he’s like a brother to me, he really does deserve to finally be happy with someone”

  We both have a good cry and I tell her about the recent events involving the breakdown of my marriage and how quickly things have moved along with Gabe. I admit how strong my feelings are for him.

  “Can I ask something? Its personal so don't feel obliged but I'm curious to find out if the legends are true?”

  I laugh and feel my cheeks burn. I think I know what she's getting at. I nod and look her square in the eye.

  “What can I say? He is so fuckin good. It is mind blowing, I’m forty five and having the best sex of my life” we both scream with laughter, like schoolgirls.

  “Oh my god, is he really that good, you know he has a legendary reputation? He's been with a couple of my friends and they said he was good but they were just so in love with him, I wasn't sure if that was influencing their opinions but shit, it’s all true, my little bro in law is good in the sack” she laughs, my insides actually clench and squirm just talking about this.

  “He is just so out there, he loves sex and he wants me to love sex too and he does everything in his power to make that happen. He's inventive and considerate and so encouraging, he gives me everything and doesn't hold anything back, that's what I love most”

  I'm getting quite emotional as I talk about what he does for me. There's so much.

  “You know what I think?” She asks, I shake my head no.

  “From what you have just told me and from what Zac has told me Gabe has told him, I think the pair of you are in love with each other but because it’s all happened so fast, you just don't realise it yet, or are both just too scared to admit it, that's what I think. For what it’s worth”

  I say nothing, am I in love, could I have fallen in love with someone this quickly, is it such a bad thing if I have?

  We both giggle some more at Gabe’s sexpertise. I thank Sam for our chat, I am feeling both devastated, for Gabe and what he has been through but, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I’m also just a little bit relieved that it didn’t all pan out the way I feared. We head back inside.

  We are in serious need of a drink after such a heavy confessional but as we lock the doors behind us so the kids can't get out onto the balcony, I notice Ava's tearstained face. Oh God, please don't let her have heard any of that conversation, I look at Sam as I put my hand over my mouth

  “Oh fuck, please tell me she didn't hear any of that”

  Ava's waving me to come over to her.

  “Hey chicky whatever's wrong?” She throws herself into my arms and cries into my ear “I got my period”

  “Oh noooo, don't stress babe, we’ll sort it out, have you got anything with you?” She shakes her head at me as she wipes her tears. I look at Sam a
s I hold Ava's hand.

  “Where’s the nearest bathroom?” she points to the hallway at the back of the room. I tell Sam, quietly, what's happened and ask her to go down and fetch my bag. We meet her in the bathroom.

  Between us, Sam and I get her cleaned up and I give her the pads I brought with me to use and she goes off and puts them in the room her and Sophie will be sharing tonight. We give her a bit of a talk on the joys of having periods but I don't go overboard, I'm not her mum and don't want to be stepping on anyone's toes. As she goes off with Sophie, she’s full of herself, now that she has stopped panicking, and can't wait to tell the rest of her friends.

  Shit, what an afternoon and the footie hasn't even started yet. Get me a drink, now, please!

  I go down stairs and before my foot is off the last step, I feel him, I don’t know if it’s his stare or just his presence but when I when I walk into a room and he’s in it, I can feel him. I look up and his eyes are on me. I meet them, not taking my eyes from his as Sam fills my glass, I walk over to where he's standing with his brothers, I put my arms around his neck and give him the best kiss I can muster, I lean back and look at him.

  “Congratulations baby, your daughter just got her first period” The boys all let out a big cheer and laugh, Gabe looks completely shell shocked!

  “Oh poor Ava, she’s just a baby” Jen comments

  “She’s almost fourteen Jen, hardly a baby; she’ll be out clubbing with me soon” Stella jokes

  Gabe slides his hands around my back; I think it’s more to steady himself, than to hug me. The colour has drained from his face.

  “Ava? Is she okay, does she need anything, is she okay?”

  “Well, yes, yes, no and yes. She was terrified, Sam and I sorted her out, I gave her pads and we told her all the things she can expect and I think now, she's just feeling pretty stoked and relieved that she's finally started, she told me in the week that she was worried because all her mates had started and she hadn't, stop worrying, she's fine”