by Alexa Davis
“M…mom,” was all I could whisper back. “What am I going to do?”
While I couldn’t register much, I could see the sympathy in my best friend’s face. He could see me falling apart, and he knew it was for a good reason. He didn’t need to explain it to me, I could just sense it deep in my chest. My beautiful mother was about to be ripped from this planet, leaving me with no one.
“You don’t do anything right now aside from wait.” Max gently sat me down in the nearest chair. “Just let me sort this out, okay? You just stay here.”
I leaned my head forward and placed it between my legs while I waited for vomit to spill past my lips, but I could only gag on the horrible taste of bile. It was as if that shocking phone call that seemed to come from nowhere had knocked everything from my body, leaving me completely empty.
Hollow and numb, how I would be forever more without Mom in my life.
***
My footsteps were too loud as we walked through the hospital building, I could hear each and every one. If it wasn’t for Max walking next to me, supporting me, maybe I would’ve turned on my heels and ran the other way. I couldn’t hack this. I couldn’t walk towards my mother to see her desperately ill, it just wasn’t right. This wasn’t something I was supposed to deal with for many, many years. I couldn’t quite understand why I was here.
“Son.” All of a sudden my father’s arms were around me, as if they’d come from nowhere. “I’m sorry, Son.” His voice was thick with emotion. His eyes shining with tears. “It isn’t good. She isn’t going to survive this.” He gulped loudly, and as he did I tried to work out why I didn’t feel anything but shock. “You need to go and say your goodbye now, while she’s still here.”
As if to force me to go in before I did something I regretted, he turned me around and pushed me into the room by my shoulders. There I found myself looking at an image from a horror movie, from my own personal nightmare. My mom hooked up to endless machines, with wires coming everywhere from her, looking much frailer than I’d ever seen her before, even more so than the last time I saw her.
The virus had ravaged her body, had done terrible things to her. I knew it wasn’t fair, but still I couldn’t cry.
“Mom,” I whispered as I dragged myself closer to her. “Mom, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” She twitched her fingers, indicating that I should touch her. I grabbed onto her hand at her request, but felt the sheer cold coming from her. She was like an ice cube. “Oh, Mom, this isn’t right.”
“Adam.” The seriousness of her tone halted me. The word was ragged, like it hurt her to speak, which meant whatever she was about to say was crucial. “I love you, so very much, I do. We all do. I know it might not always seem that way but it is.” For the first time in my life, I didn’t have it in me to argue with her. “All I’ve ever wanted was for my boys to get along, and I had a plan to make it happen, not that you would have liked it.” She let out a breath from her nose, almost like a laugh. “But now I won’t have the time to act on it, I didn’t know I had this virus then.”
“Nor did I,” I insisted. “Or I would have done something.”
“So I’m just going to ask you instead, like I have done the others. Please, find a way to make it right with your family. Please. Even if it hurts, even if it isn’t always right, please just try.”
I couldn’t deny her that, it was her dying wish. I nodded slowly as a tear finally burst out of my eye. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea my world was about to end. “I will, Mom. I promise you. I will.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Lindsey
Saturday
“Okay, thank you, Lindsey. You did a really great job.”
I breathed out a sigh of relief as the gentleman running the audition smiled warmly at me. I really tried, as hard as I possibly could with my acting then and I was so pleased to find out that it had paid off. From the look on his face, his remark was genuine.
“Oh that’s wonderful, thank you,” I gushed. “And, thank you for seeing me. I really appreciate it.” Was I bobbing my head too hard? I wasn’t sure, I felt a little foolish.
“So, I take you’ve read through all the script?” He peered over his glasses. “You know that there’s some semi nudity there?” I nodded slowly. I still hadn’t worked out how I felt about that quite yet. “And you’re happy with that? It’s going to be a tasteful scene without much showing. I just want to know before we proceed with this. I don’t want you to back out later on.”
Oh shit, it was time. The moment had come way before I was prepared for it. I certainly wasn’t being given any time to think things through now. No space, no hours agonizing. I needed to decide if this acting game was something that I wanted to go along with.
I could almost hear the clock taunting me as I tried to think hard. My heart pounded in my ears, my brain raced. I did like the script, it was awesome, it was something I could see myself in. If the nudity wasn’t an issue I’d jump on it, I’d love it and feel like it was about to re spark my career…but the nudity was there. Could I do it?
“No,” I heard myself whisper before I’d even thought about it fully. “That won’t be a problem at all. If it’s done tastefully, I don’t mind.”
Denise’s pride raced through me, I could almost feel her clapping me on the back. I felt like if I went into this with strength and demanded that things were done in a way that I liked, not in a diva way, more in a morals way, then surely it would be okay?
“That’s great.” He straightened out some papers on the table. “Someone will be in touch.”
I thanked the guy again and left the room with a sense of achievement in my chest. At least that went well, and at the end of the day I still could change my mind before I went through it if it came down to it. I didn’t have to do it.
With a small smile on my lips, I pulled my cell phone out of my bag to call Denise as soon as I got outside. This was going to be good news, and focusing on this rather than the heart break I suffered in my chest, things could only get better…
What the…
My eyes bugged out of my head as I saw the number of missed calls on the screen, and all from the one person I was trying my hardest to forget. It was damn typical that now, right as I was about to move on, he called me now. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to call him back… But then he’d called me so many times that I could hardly ignore him. What if it was an emergency?
I stomped loudly down the street as I waited for him to answer. Emotions swirled and churned inside me and I wasn’t even sure how I felt. Was I angry or upset? Hurt or furious? I just couldn’t tell.
“Hello?” A tone gushing answered, but it definitely wasn’t Adam. “Lindsey, is that you?”
“Erm, yeah. Who’s this?”
“It’s Max. I met you New Year’s Eve.”
“Oh, right of course. I remember.” His stressed words were making me panic. I didn’t know what the hell was going on and it sent me into a state of sheer worry. “Has something happened?”
“It’s Adam.” Oh God. My heart sunk into my shoes, I felt like I might vomit at any given moment. “His mother is in the hospital.”
“Oh my God, Debbie? Has something happened?” Of course it had! Why would she be in the hospital if it hadn’t?
“She got a virus. The MRSA one. It’s bad, it’s really bad.”
“Shall I come?” Instantly I wanted to be by his side. I didn’t care what had come before. “Does he want me there?”
“I’ll be honest with you, he hasn’t asked for you, but I really think he needs you.”
Of course, I was going to go. It didn’t matter that we’d argued, it didn’t matter that everything had gone tits up, I didn’t even care that he’d turned me away, I just cared that he needed me right now. “I’m on the way. I’ll be there as soon as I can be. I’ll just hop into a cab.” I held out my arm to try and stop a car. “I won’t be long.”
“Thank you, Lindsey. I really appreciate it.”
Finally, a car stopped and I jumped into it. I couldn’t think about anything but Adam and his mother. My audition was forgotten on top of everything else. Nothing else mattered but him. His mother had some virus, I couldn’t believe it, she seemed fine the last time I saw her, but wasn’t MRSA one of those ones that could just ravage through a body in a day? I didn’t know much about it, but it didn’t sound good.
When we arrived at the hospital, I threw some bills at the driver and leapt out the car. I raced into the building, knocking people out of the way as I went, but my eyes were on the prize. I raced the reception and just as I was about to beg the receptionist to tell me where to go, I spotted Max.
“Oh my God, Max.” I grabbed onto his arm. “I’m here, what’s going on?”
He grabbed onto my arm and pulled my down the hallway without saying anything. I could tell by the red rims around his eyes that things weren’t good, and that made me feel ill. Debbie couldn’t be gone, I couldn’t stand that. It was just too much. I knew better than anyone how much it killed to lose a parent, and I didn’t wish that on anyone.
“Adam.” I let out a deep breath as I spotted him slumped on the ground outside the hospital room. He was in such a heap that it was clear the end had come quickly and suddenly. “Oh my God.” I fell to the ground next to him and wrapped my arms around him. Without even thinking about it, Adam fell into my embrace and sobbed against my shoulder. Everything froze. It was only me and him in this bubble of intense sadness. “I’m here, Adam,” I whispered to him. “I’m here. I’m so sorry.”
“I need you, Lindsey, I need you,” he told me. I can’t do this without you.”
My heart broke for him, and I fell everything shatter. I knew he would be a mess for a very long time. At least I could be there though, at least I could be here for him. For as long as it took.
***
Hours passed in a haze of misery. I couldn’t do too much, but I helped out where I could. His father managed to take charge, despite the fact that he was clearly broken himself, and even Brandon was useful. It seemed that as sad as it was, Debbie’s death had managed to unite them for just a few moments. She would like that – it was just a shame that it had to happen in such a horrific way.
“I didn’t want to come home,” Adam muttered pitifully as I got him through the front door. “I want to be back at the hospital.”
“I know you do.” I rubbed his back reassuringly. “But your dad told you to leave, he said you need some rest, Brandon, too. You need some sleep and there’s nothing else you can do.”
I walked him over to the couch and sat him down. There was such heart break in his eyes that it made me want to weep for him. I was keeping strong despite the fact that I was sad myself, because it was all that I could do.
“What am I going to do?” he asked sadly. “I don’t know what to do now?”
“I know you don’t.” I sat down beside him. “I remember that feeling well, but it’s important to remember that you have to carry on. It might not happen right away but you need to find a way to continue. Your mother wouldn’t want you to be a mess forever, would she?”
He shook his head and sniffed back some more tears. “No, I know. She even said that to me. It just feels like the end of the world.” He stared at me intensely and I had to gulp back because it felt so devastating. “I know you don’t like to talk about it, but can I ask you something?”
I nodded, already preparing myself for what was going to come. I could tell, it was obvious he’d want to know now. The time had come and there was no way I could turn him down.
“What happened to your parents?”
I sighed loudly and steeled myself, trying to prepare myself for saying the things I tried my hardest to keep inside. “It happened when I was sixteen. It was a car crash.” I gulped, it hurt to say these words. “I was in the back of the car, and I don’t even really know what happened. I think that my dad got distracted for a moment and…well, something smashed into the side of the car.”
“Oh my God.” He gripped onto my hands and stared at me. “Were you okay? What happened?”
“I wasn’t for a while. I was in hospital for a long time afterwards, and so was my dad.” I squeezed my eyes shut to keep the tears inside. “My mom died instantly, she… The crash basically tore her body apart.” I couldn’t stand thinking about it; the images my brain created were dreadful.
“But it put my dad in a coma until they had to turn the life support machine off. Because I was so young they decided not to tell me until I was better myself, so I didn’t know until I was just about to leave the hospital that I was alone in the world. That was… Well, it wasn’t the best news to hear. It destroyed me more than the accident did. I was much too young for that news.”
Adam grabbed me and squeezed me tight. “You’re so strong,” he whispered into my ear. “So much stronger than me. I can learn from you. I need you to help me through this.” I didn’t feel strong, I felt like I was just getting by every day, but I was too upset to vocalize that. Remembering everything simply had it all flooding to the surface again. “I’m sorry for everything that I said. I didn’t mean any of it. Please, just stick with me. I need you.”
“Yes,” I said thickly. “I will be there for you. You know I will. Whatever you need.”
He grabbed my chin and he tilted my face towards him. His eyes were filled with something that looked a lot like love. “I don’t deserve you,” he whispered. “Thank you so much.”
Then he kissed me gently and told me exactly what he wanted from me. He really wanted me to be there, and I was more than willing. The past was the past now, none of that mattered. It was all about the future from here on out.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Adam (One month later)
“Yo, Adam!” Fred, one of the older, much cooler boys who constantly had a skateboard tucked under his arms yelled loudly. “Whatcha ya cooking?”
“A traditional English breakfast,” I said with a smirk. “Sound good?”
He screwed up his nose in disgust. “What’s that, like cucumber sandwiches and stuff?”
“Yeah, that’s all the English eat,” I deadpanned back. “Sound’s good, doesn’t it?” When he looked at me with sheer horror, I couldn’t help but laugh. “Nah, it’s bacon, sausages, fried egg, toast, hash browns…that sort of thing.”
“Oh thank God.” Fred rolled his eyes to the back of his head. “Sounds awesome.”
“Well, it’s almost done, so do you want to get the others at the table?”
As he walked off, I focused on getting everything spread out on the right plates equally. I liked to have something to throw myself into, something to take my mind off losing my mom, and the orphanage with all the amazing kids was the perfect place to do that. They always reminded me that I didn’t have it as bad as them, and that I had something to keep on going for. They needed me, and right now I needed them.
Ever since my mom’s funeral a week after her death, I’d been trying my hardest to just focus on the positive things I had going for me. Her death had come from seemingly nowhere, but that didn’t mean I had to die, as well. Lindsey continued to remind me of that. She had survived something much worse, just like all these kids. I could keep on going for them.
“Where’s Lindsey?” Rose whined as I made my way out to the dining table. “You promised she was coming today.”
“I know, but she’s filming her big movie role today, isn’t she? She’s becoming a super star. I’m sure she’ll be here once she’s done.”
I was so damn proud of Lindsey for just going for it. I knew that she wasn’t sure about it at first, and the idea of a bit of nudity didn’t help, but once I read through the script myself and I reassured her that it really was tasteful and actually part of the plot, she decided to just go for it. It was fantastic for her, she’d really blossomed as a person, I loved seeing her coming out of her shell and gaining some confidence. She needed that. Acting was clearly what she needed to do in lif
e, and I was glad that she’d just gone for it.
“Knock, knock!”
“Oh, listen.” I pressed my free hand against my ear. “That sounds like Lindsey.”
“Yay!”
Pretty much all the children jumped up from the table and raced into the hallway to see Lindsey. It was safe to say that they loved her, she fit right in, and thankfully because she understood them, she could relate to the children well. I laughed and continued putting out the plates of food while I listened to them all babbling around her.
Once Lindsey came into the room, I could see why the children were so excited. She’d come in her costume from the set, a Victorian girl. They tossed questions about filming at her, like she truly was going to be a Hollywood star despite the fact that it was just a small time thing to start with, and she answered them in the best way that she could.
“Oh my God, that food smells delicious,” she groaned as she smelled the fried food. “I hope you’ve saved some for me.”
As she took a plate from me and scoffed the food down like there was no tomorrow, I smiled with sheer happiness. One of the things I was worried about when she started acting in this movie, because of the comment that her agent made to her once and because of the nudity, I feared that she might go one some crazy diet to lose weight, despite the fact that she really didn’t need to. Luckily, that hadn’t happened. Luckily, Lindsey was confident in herself.
“How was filming today?” I asked as I sidled over to her. I bumped my hip against hers and watched her face break out into a bright and beautiful grin. Her face lit up in an amazing shining ray of light. “I missed you here.”
She leaned across and gave me a little kiss, causing a whooping to burst out from the children. “It was good, but I missed you, too. Next week I should have a few more days off so I’ll be able to come and help you guys out here.”
“That sounds amazing, you know how much the kids all love you, and even more so now they think you’re famous.”