Carnage

by Lesley Jones

  My mother absolutely glares at me when she sees the state I’m in. I claim a headache to Vera and arrange to meet her back at the house tomorrow at ten and we leave. I’m shaking as I get behind the wheel of my Range Rover and see Cam standing in the front doorway, arms folded across his chest, once again, watching me leave him.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on Georgia?” I sob as I start along the driveway to the gates at the front of the property and I have to stop the car as I can’t see to drive, my Mum just undoes her seatbelt, leans across and holds me while I cry, stroking my hair and shushing me gently, the way she hasn’t had to do since the night Sean and I broke up. When I’m able to, I speak.

  “Oh Mum, I’ve done something terrible, so, so terrible, I’m so ashamed of myself, I love Sean, with all my heart, you know I do, you know right?”

  “Yes babe, of course, of course.”

  “Then why do I have these feelings for Cam? Why does he affect me the way that he does? Why did I let him fuck me against his office door just three weeks ago? Why, why did I do that?”

  She’s my Mum, I want her to have all the answers, I want her to tell me it will all be okay, that I’m not a bad person.

  “Oh Georgia... you silly, silly girl, what were you thinking? Bloody hell child”

  We swap places and she drives me back to her place, she pours us a glass of wine each and I tell her about what happened between me and Cam that night, then I tell her what he just told me about the house and then I drop the bombshell about not being on the pill and not using protection with Cam.

  “Have you done a pregnancy test?” I shake my head.

  “I did one before I went out that night and it was negative, I haven’t done one yet as I didn’t think it would show up and I didn’t want to give myself false hope that everything would be okay and any way, I had sex with Sean, later that same night.”

  I start to cry again.

  “When’s your period due?” she asks.

  “In two days.”

  “Well best to wait then but if it doesn’t come in the next three days, do a test and we’ll go from there.”

  I smile at her. “We?”

  “You’re my baby girl George; I’ll stand by you no matter what. We all do stupid things at some time in our life darling, believe me, you’re not the first woman to be in this predicament and you most definitely won’t be the last.”

  CHAPTER 24

  I don’t tell Sean that Cam owns the home that we are walking through, if I tell him, he will want to know how I know and I’ll have to either tell him about seeing Cam here yesterday or I’ll have to come up with another lie and I don’t want to tell him any more lies. At least that’s how I justify not telling him in my twisted, two timing, and cheating brain. Sean absolutely loves the place. I have asked Vera to let us walk through on our own; I also called her yesterday afternoon and asked her to say nothing about the owner of the house or our running into him yesterday. The hint that it could lose her a big fat commission is enough to garner her silence and we are left alone to wander through. We stand looking at the pool, hand in hand.

  “What are your thoughts Georgia? I love it, it feels like home already.” I don’t know what to say, could I live here, should I even be considering this?

  “I don’t know Sean; I felt like that yesterday, I’m not so sure today though.”

  “Why, what’s changed?” About a million different things. What if I’m pregnant? What if it’s Cam’s baby? I’d be bringing up his child, with another man, in a home that he planned to live in with me, everything about this is all so fucked up and wrong and it’s all my fault, I’m a monster. I suddenly become aware of a dull ache in the bottom of my belly.

  “Georgia, what don’t you like today that you did yesterday?”

  “I don’t know, I’m not sure, I don’t feel very well.” My head swims slightly, I feel so trapped by my own wrong doings that I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack.

  “I need the toilet.” I head toward the toilet in the pool room and Sean follows me, we never close the door when we use the bathroom so I leave it open now as Sean talks about getting planning permission for a recording studio on the grounds. I pull up my skirt, pull down my knickers and see that they are full of blood. I’ve got my period, and I burst into tears. Sean gets completely the wrong idea about why I’m crying, which just goes to worsen my guilt and makes me cry harder.

  “Gia, baby, please don’t cry, it’s only September, we said six months remember? Next year, that’s when we’ll be pregnant, next year, baby please, don’t cry, I hate seeing you cry.” He’s kneeling in front of me, as I sit on the toilet, in the home of the man that hasn’t made me pregnant and I don’t know if they’re tears of joy, regret, guilt or sadness.

  “I love this house G, let’s put in an offer, and let’s buy this fucker!” He’s so happy and excited, that I just blow my nose and nod yes.

  ***

  The next few months go by in a blur, we completed on the sale of the house on the first of December but have no plans to move in until next year. I want a new kitchen and bathrooms, the place needs painting and I want new carpets in all of the bedrooms and we’re still waiting on planning permission for Sean’s studio.

  We have a massive family Christmas at my Mum’s and leave all of the grandchildren with my parents on the day before New Year’s Eve and fly out with the band to New York, where they’ll be playing at a special concert in Time Square.

  I’ve felt strangely off the last few days, I’ve skipped my December period and I’m hoping beyond hope that I’m pregnant, in fact, I know that I am. I know my own body, but I decide to buy myself a pregnancy test just to be sure before I pass up an opportunity to consume vast amounts of alcohol during the New Year celebrations. I take the test as soon as we get to the hotel and it’s positive. I can hardly contain myself, luckily we had to drop the boys off en route for some interviews and I’m actually sitting watching my Husband live on the television as the two blue lines appear on the stick I just weed on and as I watch him, I hatch a plan.

  New York in December is freezing, we have dinner with all of the band members later that night and I get away with saying that I’m saving myself for the next night when I turn down any drinks. We have an early night, and then spend New Year’s Eve daytime, lazing at the hotel and doing some shopping. When we head back, I get a manicure, a pedicure, and have my hair and makeup done in our room. Courtesy of the television station airing the show, the boys will play a two hour long set starting at eleven thirty, get the crowd warmed up and then count the New Year in and rock them through the first few hours of the year two thousand. We arrive around nine and are interviewed by various TV stations and shows about what the new millennium means for us and we give up more than usual by admitting that we are moving into a new home and looking to start a family. I wait for the boys to start their set before I talk to the shows director and tell him what I want to do. He’s over the moon and gets the announcer on the TV broadcast to repeat to the viewers to stay tuned for a very important announcement regarding Carnage. I don’t tell Ash, I don’t tell Jim and at five to twelve when I walk on stage in between songs and stand next to my Husband, everyone seems a little confused but Sean just goes with it.

  “Hey baby,” he says to me but into his mic. “This is my beautiful Wife New York City, just look at her, ain’t she just fuckin’ gorgeous!”

  The crowd goes wild and my cheeks burn despite the cold, I wrap my arms around his neck, and I kiss him like my life depends on it, making the roar from the crowd deafening. Then hand him the stick with the two little blue lines on, saying into his ear, “Happy New Year baby, we’re pregnant”.

  He looks at the stick, registers the words I’ve just told him, and I watch as his mouth drops open. I nod at him. There’s a camera crew right in our face but we don’t even see it, we just have eyes for each other. Sean bursts into tears and kisses me so softly. The people at home have obviously been
told what’s going on, but the crowd in front of us have no idea what’s happening. Sean moves the cameraman out of the way pulls me into his side and sobs into his mic.

  “My Wife, my beautiful Gia, has just made me the happiest man alive, she’s told me people that… ” He pauses and I don’t know if it’s for effect or so that he can regain his composure. “SHE’S FUCKING PREGNANT!” he roars. The crowd roars, Jimmie, Ash and Lennon are all on the stage with us and the rest of the boys from the band, we all kiss, cry and hug and count our way down to the year 2000 and it will forever be one of the happiest moments in my life.

  ***

  We celebrate back at the hotel into the early hours; I head off to bed around five, leaving Sean and the rest of the boys and a few other people I don’t even know, to party. I’m woken at around eight am by someone banging on the door of the suite, as I look through the spy hole, I see that it’s Milo and Dave, carrying Sean between them. I open the door and look at the state my Husband has got himself in, he is, quite literally, legless; he grins at me. “Gia, baaaby,” he tries to sing to me. “I’m sooo fappy, huck, huckin, fuck.” He looks up at me and laughs. “You know what I mean.”

  “Park him on the bed.” I stand aside so the boys can fit through. They take him through the lounge area and into the bedroom, laying him face down on the bed. The boys are both puffing and sit down for a few seconds.

  “Are we gonna make the flight?” I ask them.

  “Fuck knows,” they both say together, they high five at their unity and I smile.

  “You two want a coffee, some food?”

  “Na, we’re good thanks George, we’re all coffeed out. You might wanna try and get some down his Gregory in a coupla hours. I can’t see them getting us another flight out of here on New Year’s Day, private jet or not, so if we don’t get on this one, I reckon we’ll be stuck here for a few more days.”

  I feel absolutely exhausted now and just want to get my head down before I work on getting my Husband sober. “What’s the latest we can be at the airport?”

  “About four but Marley’s in an even worse state than him and Lens not much better.” I shake my head.

  “We even had to carry Ash to bed.” Dave laughs.

  “Well it’s gonna be a quiet flight home.” Dave nods his head.

  “That’s not a bad thing. You alright George, you look a bit pasty?”

  I don’t actually feel too good but I don’t know what sort of not good it is that I’m feeling, I’ve never been pregnant, perhaps this is normal. “I’m okay thanks Dave; just need some sleep I think.”

  “Well don’t you go trying to lift him, just call me if you need anything and try and get your head down for a bit.” I’m touched at his concern, I thank them for returning my husband to me and tell them to go and get some sleep.

  The boys leave and I pull off Sean’s chucks and undo his jeans, but I can’t get them down so I just curl up on the bed next to him and manage to get another four hours sleep. I wake up to the sound of Sean throwing up down the toilet. Well at least he woke up and didn’t do it over the side of the bed as he has done before, more than once. I get up and go and make us a coffee. I’m starving so I call room service and order us a couple of fried egg sandwiches, always the perfect hangover cure, fresh orange juice and some real coffee. Sean actually manages to eat his and half of mine. I’m still not feeling so good and don’t fancy being stuck on an eight hour flight with a funny tummy.

  “You need to eat more G, I’m finally gonna get to fatten you up,” he smiles at me as he speaks; he hasn’t stopped smiling since I gave him the news about the baby.

  “Not hungry right now, got a bit of a funny tummy.”

  “You okay to fly?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine; just don’t wanna be stuck in the toilet the whole flight, that’s all.”

  As it turns out, I’m barely allowed to breathe on the flight, let alone get up and use the bathroom. Sean makes me lay back on one of the lazy boy style chairs, puts a blanket over me and tells me to sleep. Everyone else is extremely hung over and very quiet, the cabin lights are dimmed and everyone seems to go off to sleep, although I do hear the bathroom doors opening and closing and people throwing up and I really do not envy them their hangovers, although, I can’t help thinking that despite the fact that I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol, I still feel rough, my belly seems to have settled down but I have a dull ache in my side and I’m feeling a bit clammy.

  Sean is snoring beside me, Ash and Marley are in the seats facing me, and Jimmie and Len across the aisle, Milo and Dave are in the front section with Billy and Tom and their wives. I press the call button and our stewardess Sara appears at my side as if by magic. Sean had told her as we got on the plane that I was pregnant and she kneels down next to me now with a look of concern on her face. We’ve travelled with Sara looking after us a few times and I’ve always liked her, unlike some of the girls, she had never openly flirted with Sean or the other boys so I had never had cause to want to punch her.

  “You okay Mrs McCarthy, you look a bit pale?”

  “Please call me Georgia, yeah I’m okay I think, just a bit tired, didn’t get to bed until five, we did a bit of celebrating.”

  She smiled. “Yeah, I saw the New Year’s show and the way you told Mr… Sean, the news about the baby, I think the whole world must have watched that clip by now. I have to say, it even made my Husband cry, I was a blubbering mess, as I’m sure most people watching were.”

  I actually get teary as she speaks. “You and Sean will make great parents. You lot are probably one of the most down to earth bands I travel with, some of them can be complete arseholes.”

  Yep, I think, we’ve met a lot of them in our time. “So, what can I get you Georgia, how about a nice cup of tea and a biscuit?”

  “Sounds perfect, strong, no sugar, thank you.”

  By the time we are getting into the back of the limo, I’m feeling really unwell, the pain in my side is worse, much worse. I feel cold but sweaty. It’s seven in the morning, London time and I just want my bed.

  “You okay George?” Jimmie asks. I decide not to lie anymore, something’s not right and I think I might need to go to the hospital or at least see a doctor.

  “I actually don’t feel so good.”

  The smile Sean has been wearing for the last thirty six hours vanishes from his face. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He puts the back of his hand against my forehead. “Shit G, you feel really clammy.”

  Jimmie feels my head and agrees and as soon as the car starts to pull away I feel sick, we pull over and I throw up at the side of the road, my head is swimming and I feel really dizzy, we get back in the car and Sean pulls me into his lap. Marley has told the driver to head to the nearest hospital, Milo is in the front with him and gives him directions, luckily we had landed at City Airport so he knew the area.

  Any woman that’s ever had a period will tell you that one of their biggest fears is leakage and in the ten minutes it had taken us to get from the airport to Newham General Hospital, I knew that I was bleeding, enough for it to have leaked through my underwear to my jeans and I just knew that I was losing my baby.

  The limo pulled up outside accident and emergency and Milo jumped out, telling Sean to pass me out to him, but Sean wouldn’t let me go and instead struggled out of the car while still holding me. Len had run inside and grabbed a wheelchair, but Sean wouldn’t set me down in it. Marley had run ahead and was shouting for help and I was soon being whisked through to a bed behind a curtain, where Sean still held me, sitting down with me in his lap, pulled into his chest. I was shaking violently and could feel the beads of sweat forming on my top lip and as they trickled down my spine. I think I started to lose consciousness at that stage, I could feel Sean’s arms around me, I could hear him and others call my name, but I just couldn’t get back to them.

  I don’t know if it’s seconds, minutes, hours or days when I next try to open my eyes and I’m not sure how long it is that I try, bef
ore sleep pulls me under again. Then suddenly, I’m wide awake, alert and aware that I’m in a hospital room. I gaze around; I have fluids dripping through a cannula in my left hand. Sean is in a chair next to my bed, he has my right hand in both of his and his head resting on our joint hands, my mouth is dry and my throat is sore, I have a belly ache, very similar to period pain. I lay still and stay silent for a few seconds and wonder what could have happened to me. I know that my baby’s gone, I just know and I start to sob at the thought. Sean is going to be devastated, he was so happy. I try to swallow down my sobs so that I don’t wake him, but fail, he lifts his head and his eyes come up to meet mine, he’s out of his chair and on the bed holding me in a second.

  “I’m so sorry,” I sob and gulp in air as I speak.

  “No, no, no, Gia baby, no, it’s not your fault.”

  “What happened, what went wrong?” I ask him, we are lying side by side on my hospital bed, looking right at each other. Sean wipes his nose, then he covers his mouth, trying to hide a sob, he moves it away and blows out a breath slowly.

  “It was an ectopic pregnancy.” His face crumbles, while he shakes his head and sobs. “I nearly lost you G. It had ruptured, and you were bleeding internally. You went into shock, I thought you was gonna die.” His shoulders shake as his sobs wrack through his body. I try to comfort him, but he just keeps sobbing and shaking his head. “I stayed in the hotel bar getting pissed and all the time you was bleeding internally, you could have died up in that hotel room, all on your own. I was so hung over on the flight; I didn’t even notice how sick you were. It was Sara the stewardess that said you hadn’t been feeling well. I let you down G, I fucking let you down, I’m so, so sorry.”