Carnage

by Lesley Jones

  I was numb, I had no idea what to say to him, so we just held each other and cried for a long while, eventually Sean went back to sleep, while I laid quietly and thought about what this meant. Could I still have children? What did they do when they operated? What did they take away? The door opened and a nurse walked in, I raised my fingers to my lips, asking her to keep quiet.

  “Good to see you’re awake Georgia, how are you feeling?” I shrugged and my eyes filled with tears.

  “Will I still be able to have babies? Can I still get pregnant?” I asked her as she took my temperature and checked my blood pressure, I hated that she ignored my question and just carried on with what she was doing. She went down to the end of my bed and read through my notes.

  “The doctor will be in to see you shortly Georgia, he will talk things through with you and your Husband.” She gives a little nod, and then tilts her head to the side. “You were very lucky, you needed four units of blood during your surgery, if you hadn’t have got here when you did, things could have been much worse. Now, try and get some sleep, I’ll be back with the doctor very soon.”

  I looked right into her bright blue eyes and said, “I just lost my fucking baby, how does that make me lucky?” Again, she ignored me and left the room, I laid my head back on my pillow and cried. I cried for my dead baby, I cried for Sean and his lost chance at fatherhood and I cried because of the guilt I felt. This was my fault; this was my punishment, punishment for cheating on Sean, punishment for being a lying, cheating, adulterous, whore of a Wife.

  I was allowed home after two days, but I was to stay off my feet and do as little as possible for the next few weeks and I wasn’t to drive for the next month, for all of these reasons and the fact that I just didn’t want to be alone with Sean, I went and stayed at my parents. Sean was busy in the studio and would come and stay with me every couple of nights, he was coping in his own way, music, writing and laying down tracks for the new album were getting him through, whereas I just laid on my Mum’s sofa and then went and laid in my own bed; visitors came and went and I assured everyone that I was doing fine.

  I had, it turns out, been very lucky, my fallopian tube had ruptured on my left hand side and I had bled internally for a while, my tube and ovaries on that side had to be removed but there was no reason that I couldn’t get pregnant again. There was a slim risk of another ectopic but I would be monitored closely as soon as I was to get pregnant, which we were told would be safe to do in about three months, if, we felt emotionally and physically ready.

  I knew that everyone was watching me, waiting to see how I handled things, if I would withdraw the way I did after Sean and I split up, so I decided to behave in the exact opposite way that my Husband and family expected and embarked upon what I can only describe as a manic episode. As soon as I could drive, I went straight over to the new house and looked over the renovations. I worked with the interior design firm we had hired in choosing paint and fabrics, and I shopped for new furniture. We would need a lot to fill that big empty house and I bought two horses and hired a stable girl, Jess, to look after them and I did all of this alone. I didn’t consult Sean, and I didn’t ask for his input. On the nights that he came and stayed with me at my Mum’s, I virtually ignored him, feigned tiredness and went to bed early, pretending to be asleep when he joined me. I couldn’t sleep so I would sneak out of the house and drive over to our house and ride before Sean was awake and I wouldn’t return until well after I knew he would be gone.

  I loved and missed him so much but I needed to go through this alone, I needed to grieve and learn to accept my guilt for what happened to my baby.

  After six weeks Sean asked me when I was going to move back home, I told him I wasn’t; I wanted to be near the new house and the horses. I didn’t eat, I rarely slept and I couldn’t sit still for longer than a few minutes. I didn’t want a chance to think, I didn’t want a chance to feel, I just needed to keep busy. For everyone else, alarm bells started ringing, for me, I was just getting by the best I could. Sean let it go for another two weeks, then early one Saturday morning he turned up at my Mum’s and told me to pack my bags, we were going home and then we were going on holiday.

  “I can’t, I need to look after the horses.”

  “I’ve spoken to Jess, she can manage the horses, pack your bags Gia, you’re coming home with me.” I sat down on the bed in my old bedroom, he comes and sits next to me and takes my hand in his.

  “I miss you baby, I want you home, I have a few things to finish up in the studio Monday then we are going away, just you and me, a week, two weeks, a month, I don’t fucking care, I’m done sitting back and watching you trying to run away from everything.”

  “I’m not running away.”

  “Then what are you doing Georgia? I come over here to sleep, to be near you and you don’t touch me, you won’t let me touch you, I’m not talking about sex, I just want to hold you, I want to be held.”

  I sit in silence, I have nothing to say, I’m numb, it’s the only way I know how to handle things, I’m so scared that if I let go, it will all be too much, if I let the pain out, it will overwhelm me, and I will drown in it.

  “Georgia, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you don’t even cry, everyone is worried about you.”

  “I’m dealing with it the best I can,” I say quietly, without looking at him.

  “Well good for you, I’m glad you’re all right then. What about me? Have you even given me a second thought in all of this?” He stands up and goes over to the window and stands with his back to me and I’m unsure whether he expects an answer.

  “I miss you G, I come home to that empty house and I can smell you, but you’re not there so I come here to be with you and you’re not here either, I’m lost and I’m lonely without you. I want my Wife back, I want my best friend back, I want us to get through this together.” I want to go to him, I want to hold him and breathe him in but that would bring me comfort and I don’t deserve comforting, losing our baby was my punishment for what I did with Cam and I will never forgive myself.

  “I don’t know what’s worse?” Sean’s voice suddenly interrupts my thoughts. “In the hospital when you started to go into shock and I saw you convulsing on that bed, I was terrified, they took you away, they wheeled you off and I wasn’t allowed to come with you, I didn’t want to let you go, I was so scared I would never see you alive again, I thought I had lost you.” He turns around and looks at me. “But this, how you’re behaving now, shutting me out, it’s just as fucking painful G, it hurts just as much.”

  I stare blankly ahead, not daring to meet his gaze, because I know I’ll have to go to him, hold him, let him hold me, allow him to make me better.

  “It was my baby too,” he suddenly roars. “I lost my fucking baby too and while all that was going on, I thought I was losing you, you lost your baby, our baby but I thought I was losing so much more, you’re my life G, my world, my fucking reason for existing.”

  I finally force myself to look at him and my damn breaks, the anguish in his voice, in his face, his eyes, it breaks me. Once again, I had been selfish, I had lost our baby and it was a terrible thing but he had to stand by and watch as I was rushed into surgery too. He thought he might lose me, as well as the baby, the thought of him going through all of that, alone, broke me and I started to sob.

  Sean comes over to the bed and kneels in front of me. “Hold me Georgia, please just hold me?” He was as broken as I was and I needed him so much, just like he needed me. We climbed back on the bed and just held each other, both of us crying quietly, like we had done on the bed in the hospital.

  “You and me G, just Sean and Georgia, it always comes back to this, to us, as long as there’s an ‘us’, we can get through anything, okay?”

  I look up into his beautiful brown eyes, which are dull and sad and full of tears. “I’m so sorry, I love you and I’m sorry.”

  He kisses my tears away and says, “Don’t be sorry babe, just love me, that’s
all I want, just love me and let me love and take care of you, let me do my job.”

  His lips brush mine gently and for the first time in almost two months, desire stirs in me. Sean rolls me over onto my back and looks down at me. “I’ve missed you so much. There’s too many clothes between us G; I need to feel your skin on mine.”

  I’m not sure if he’s asking permission, but I nod anyway. He pulls off his t-shirt as I undo his jeans; he pulls them down, along with his boxers as I pull off the vest I was wearing. Sean pulls down my pyjama bottoms, it’s all rushed and we are panting, then suddenly we are naked and completely still; he lays between my legs, his erection digging into my pubic bone and lower belly, our hands are at the side of my head on the mattress, our fingers laced together, his eyes are all over my face and I ache for him to be inside me. “I love you Georgia, never leave me again.”

  I shake my head slightly. “Never, I love you,” I whisper.

  He presses his forehead to mine. “I need to be inside you, is that okay?”

  “Of course it is I want you inside me.” And I do, I want him right where he needs to be, I want his world to be perfect.

  He slides inside me. “Fuck I’ve missed you; I’d almost forgotten how perfectly we fit together, how perfect you are.”

  I want to cry again, I’m most definitely not perfect but right now, I will be perfect for him.

  We make love gently, tenderly, Sean strokes into me slowly and when I moan and he feels my muscles start to clench he whispers, “Together baby, together.”

  We stare into each other’s eyes as we both come, I sob as I come down from my high and he smiles, his lazy lopsided boy I fell in love with smile and sings, “Georgia Rae, when we made love you used to cry… You said… ” He waits for me to finish ‘our’ song.

  “I love you like the stars above, I’ll love you till I die.” We smile and cry at the same time.

  “There’ll be more babies G, we’ll never forget this one, never, we’ll just have to make sure that we give all the others the extra love we couldn’t show this baby.”

  God I love him, I love him so much, he holds me while I cry some more and we make love again, before I pack my bags, thank my parents and drive back to Hampstead. We decide on the way to just take a week away and while we are gone, we’ll get the removal company in and move straight into the new house. ‘La Macas’ as we have christened it, a play on both our surnames.

  We book a week away in the Dominican Republic, enjoying ourselves, chilling out and reconnecting so much, that we stay another week and move straight into our new home as soon as we arrive back in England and settle into our new lives in the Essex countryside.

  Sean is home a lot; the album is finished and will be released at the end of April. The boys have decided they don’t need to do a massive world tour to promote it; they are big enough now that it’s not necessary. In fact pre-orders have already guaranteed it will go platinum in the first week. Interviews and TV appearances will have to be carried out though and the boys will partake in a whirlwind tour of the UK, America and Europe during the last week of April and the first two weeks of May. As much as I will miss Sean, I won’t be going to Europe or America with him, it’s too soon, too painful and we’ll only attract press attention. The press have been pretty good since news of our loss broke, we have received untold amounts of letters, cards and good wishes from around the world and I spend a lot of time reading through them while Sean is away. Many of the letters are from women who have gone through an ectopic pregnancy and have gone on to have more children with no problems at all. I reply to all of these messages, thanking the women for taking their time to reassure me that all will be fine for us in the future. I have no doubt about this anyway, no doubt at all.

  CHAPTER 25

  Sean’s flight lands at noon on Sunday May the 14th and I go with Milo to the airport to collect him, I’m so excited that I wait out on the tarmac as the plane lands and I’m bouncing on my toes as I wait for the doors to open, he doesn’t know I’m coming and I can’t wait to see his face. It’s a warm sunny day and Len blinks a few times as he steps out of the doors, he looks at me and frowns but I hold my finger to my lips telling him to shush, he nods and carries on walking down the steps of the plane. I hide behind Milo in case any of the other boys say anything and spoil the surprise, I just want Sean to know how much I love him, he loves small gestures and I know he’s hated leaving me. He’s been so unbelievably attentive since we lost Baby M, as we now call our ‘not meant to be’ baby; he’s looked after me so well and I just hope that as soon as we get home, I’m going to be able to give him some good news.

  He appears at the top of the steps and my heart skips a beat and then trebles its speed, I wonder if it will always do that around him? I step out from behind Milo and he sees me instantly, I start to move toward him and almost stumble as his face lights up, he runs down the aircraft stairs, not caring who he pushes out of the way, namely Marley, who’s seen me and thinks he’s funny by deliberately getting in Sean’s way. In the end, he jumps over the side of the airplane steps and runs toward me. He slows down as he gets near me and swings me around.

  He has the biggest smile as he says, “I’ve missed ya Georgia Rae, show us your tits.”

  I pull up my t-shirt and flash him my red lace bra. “Fuck babe, I’ve missed ya, let’s get a room somewhere.” I laugh and shake my head.

  “No, I wanna get home.”

  He reaches for my hand and starts pulling me toward the car. “Well let’s go then.”

  We chat about his trip as Milo drives us home and because it’s Sunday and the traffic is light we are home within the hour and head straight for our bedroom as soon we are through the front door. I have a pregnancy test stick waiting and ready to be used, in fact I have two and Sean looks totally confused as I pull him into the bathroom. “Georgia… Nooo, fuck first, shower later, I need to be inside you,” he whines.

  “Sit down.” I gesture to the edge of the bath, I’m busting for a wee and need to do this soon before I wet myself. I hold the plastic stick in front of his face and his eyes widen, he doesn’t say a word while I wee on it, wipe and wash my hands, then sit on the edge of the bath next to him as we wait and stare at the little piece of plastic that might possibly be about to change our lives.

  Two lines appear.

  Pregnant.

  Sean looks from the stick to me and back to the stick again.

  “G,” he whispers.

  “I knew, I mean, I didn’t know, I guessed before you went away but I didn’t want to worry you.”

  “Pregnant, you’re really pregnant?”

  “Yes, I’m really pregnant.”

  “We need to see a doctor.”

  “We are and I’ve made an appointment for tomorrow at eleven.”

  “Who with?” I look at him and chuckle.

  “Does it matter, if I was to tell you his name, would it make any difference?”

  “Yes, I only want you to see Richard Curtis.” What. The. Fuck?

  “How do you know who Richard Curtis is?” He looks exactly like the thirteen year old boy I fell in love with when he smiles at me.

  “Because I did some research and he’s the best around and I want you and the baby to see the best.” I’m actually amazed, Richard Curtis is exactly who I have an appointment to see tomorrow.

  “But I only just told you I was pregnant.”

  “Yeah… but I knew you would be pregnant again sometime and I wanted to make sure that you and the baby were all set to be looked after by the best.” His eyebrows are pulled in together; he’s worried that he’s said something wrong.

  “Baby, it’s fine, you don’t need to explain, I’m, I’m just…” I start crying, I really am the luckiest woman in existence. “I couldn’t love you any more than I do right now.”

  He looks over my face and reaches out and strokes his thumb over my cheek and across my lips, he raises his eyebrows and smiles as he whispers, “We’re having a baby
Mrs McCarthy.”

  I grin stupidly, because I just can’t help myself. “We are Mr McCarthy.”

  “Let’s fuck.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  * * *

  By midday Monday, my pregnancy had been confirmed and I was laying on my back waiting for an ultrasound to be carried out. I feel sick with nerves. Sean and I have not discussed the possibility of anything being wrong, it couldn’t happen again, surely? I have just missed my second period and from all the research I have done, I should be feeling the effects if this is another ectopic pregnancy, but I feel well, really well in fact; thinking back now, I didn’t feel right from the very beginning with Baby M but this time, apart from feeling a little sick in the mornings, I feel great.

  I notice that the ultrasound machine they have wheeled in is the trans-vaginal kind, the same as they used on me when I was in the hospital before.

  “Is this one of them ones they put inside ya?” Sean asks as he sits in a chair next to the bed holding my hand. I nod.

  “You okay with that?” he asks while I shrug my shoulders.

  “It’s what needs to be done, are you okay with it?” He shakes his head.

  “Not really, I hate the thought of another bloke, knowing what you’ve got going on down there.” I can’t help but smile, Sean McCarthy, Rock God, lead singer of Carnage, his face and body have graced the covers of so many magazines, often with near naked women draped around him and he doesn’t like the idea of a doctor examining his pregnant Wife.

  “It’s his job Sean, all in a day’s work, my Mildred is just like any other woman’s as far as he’s concerned.” Now Sean smiles.

  “No way G, your Mildred is fucking special, it’s small and neat and tight and perfect and it’s fucking mine and he better remember that.” I shake my head and sigh.

  “Sean, the man’s in his fifties, he’s not interested in my Mildred and stop saying sexy things, or I’ll get all turned on.”