by Sinden West
Just when I feel like I’m going to blackout, the pillow is removed from my face and I take desperate gasping breaths. He’s hard now. There’s nothing like a bit of brutality to give you an erection to be proud of. He fucks me like his life depends on it, and after he finishes he lies on top of me so all of his weight is on me, crushing my chest. I start to panic again but then he moves, supporting his own weight and looks down at me as he traces his fingers down the side of my face.
“I love you,” he says. He waits a moment like he expects me to say it back. When I don’t, he just sighs and releases my wrists. I don’t move until he’s gone.
In the morning, the bruises around my wrist are vivid and my breasts are striped from the belt. I can’t see Liam like this. A long sleeved top covers all the evidence and I try hard to act normally, laughing and smiling with everyone else at school.
Lucas catches up with me at my locker as I’m putting my books in my bag.
His smile is wide and friendly. I’m relieved; it’s been a while since he last spoke to me.
“Hey,” I greet him, matching his smile.
“Look,” he starts. “I’m sorry I’ve been so weird around you lately.”
“It’s okay. Can we go back to normal now?”
“Sure. I actually wanted to ask you what you were doing after school today. Do you want to come and hang out at my place for a while?”
I catch sight of Liam then, he’s walking past with a couple of his friends. He catches my eye but I can’t read the look in them. Then they’re gone, around the corner. I turn my attention back to Lucas.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I have to get home. My stepdad’s expecting me.”
He just nods. “It’s cool. I was kind of expecting that answer anyway. Are you sure though? Even just as friends?” He smiles hopefully.
“I would love to have you as a friend, but I really do need to get home. Plus my dick of a stepfather doesn’t really like me hanging out with boys too much so if he found out I was going to your house …”
“I get it. He really is a dick isn’t he?”
“Yup.”
He hugs me then, it takes me by surprise and I cautiously return the hug. I see Liam’s friend Ryan walking past and he gives me the oddest look. Not that I care what someone like him thinks.
When I walk to my car, I decide to text Liam with my lie about spending time with Stefan and wonder if he’ll be disappointed that I can’t meet him. The bruises will heal quickly, they always do, and then I’ll make it up to him. I can’t help but smile at the thought.
I don’t get a reply until later that evening.
“No problem. I’ll bring the assignment in for you on Monday.”
I smile. He’s not turning out so bad after all. I better make it up to him later.
I try on Monday, after French when he’s put my assignment in Madame’s in-tray. He packs his stuff up and leaves as soon as the bell rings and I have to jog down the hallway after him.
“Hey, do you want me to come around after school today, or another day?”
He stops looks at me with cold eyes that take me by surprise. “Don’t worry about it.” Then he turns to leave. I reach out and grab his arm before he can though.
“Are you mad at me? I’m sorry about Friday, I really am.”
“Ryan’s waiting for me,” is all he says, and then he’s gone. I look after him in disappointment as I realize that the asshole Liam’s back. I sigh, suddenly feeling very lonely.
I’m the last one into French class, I take my seat and scan the class for Liam and find that I’m disappointed that he’s not there. Madame begins handing out marked assignments, walking up and down between desks. I’m excited because I know that it’s going to be a good grade. I try to block that stray thought out of my mind that reminds me that I’m cheating and didn’t earn it.
And then the paper is on my desk and my heart practically stops. A huge red F mars the front page with ‘see me’ scrawled beside it. My mouth is dry and my hands are trembling as I pick it up and flick through the pages. Simple grammatical mistakes that even I know are wrong jump out at me, corrected by Madame’s vicious pen. Her notes tell me that I haven’t understood the question at all.
Liam has screwed my over.
He’s screwed me over.
He knew what he was doing.
He did it on purpose.
I feel my mouth twist, a lump forms in my throat, and my eyes begin to water. I try to put my façade back on but I can’t. I desperately swipe at my eyes as the tears begin to pool but I keep my head down so that no one notices and as soon as the bell rings, I’m the first one out the door. I dart into a bathroom which is thankfully empty and stare at my reflection. My skin is sickly pale, my eyes wide and glassy, and my lips are nearly the same shade as my skin. I look like I’m dead, and that’s nothing compared with how I feel inside.
My scholarship dreams are over, my escape dreams are over. I’m over.
Liam’s friend Nadia comes in then. She catches my eyes in the mirror and frowns.
“Hey, are you okay? You look sick.”
And then I am sick, I manage to make it to the toilet bowl just in time to heave out the contents of my stomach. Finally, I sit back resting my head against the wall of the stall. Nadia is still there and she hesitantly passes me a tissue.
“Thanks.” I say. She’s looking at me with concern.
“Do you want me to take you to the nurse or something?” she asks.
I shake my head and manage to get myself back on my feet shakily. “I just had some bad news.”
“Oh, sorry, can I do anything for you?” She really is nice.
Yeah, get me a new life please.
“Actually, do you know where Liam is?” I ask it casually and I try to fix up my appearance in the mirror. I see a small smile cross her lips.
“He and Ryan ditched this afternoon. I think they were going to go back to Liam’s house.”
I give a small smile of thanks and before I know it I’m heading to my car with my keys in hand. I don’t know what I’m going to say to Liam. All I know is that I have to see him. I ready myself as I knock on the front door, but it’s Ryan who answers the door.
He looks surprised to see me.
“Hey, is Liam here?” I ask in a rush.
He nods, and indicates down the hall. I follow him as he leads me to Liam’s bedroom.
Liam’s sitting on his bed strumming an acoustic guitar. When he hears the door open he doesn’t look up, just says, “hey bro, listen to this.” Ryan goes to sit in a chair by the desk and Liam looks at him and then must catch sight of me standing in the doorway in the corner of his eye. His head snaps up and his mouth opens in surprise for a moment. But then, of course, that expressionless, I-don’t-give-a-fuck wall comes over him.
“What are you doing here?” he asks guardedly. I take a deep breath and stare straight at him.
“Why did you do that?” My voice comes out softly. I’m embarrassed that it sounds so tainted with the desperation and hurt that I feel.
He just shrugs, and looks back down at his guitar. I feel double the hurt at the fact that he’s just dismissed me like that.
“Tell me why?” My voice cracks slightly. “I did what you wanted—”
“You broke our deal.” His voice comes out hard. He’s still not looking at me.
“What?” I rasp. “Because I didn’t meet you on Friday? I told you I had to do—” I swallow, “something with Stefan.”
He looks at me now. “Stefan, really? Are you sure it wasn’t Lucas. I heard him ask you out.” His mouth is a grim line.
“I said no.” My voice is barely a whisper.
His attention goes back to his guitar. “Whatever, go take your rich girl problems and get out here. I’m bored with you.” And his voice does sound bored, as if I’m absolutely nothing.
The tears that have been threatening are fully formed now, and running unashamedly down my face. I feel rage.
&nbs
p; “Do you even know what you’ve done?”
He still doesn’t look at me. Ryan is though; he’s sitting there looking confused. I stand there for a moment, waiting for Liam to give me some kind of reaction but it never comes.
I keep going though; all my dignity is gone now. “How can you be so horrible and cruel?”
He’s not going to answer me. After a few seconds, that realization hits me and I just turn and walk quietly away.
When I get to my car I let out a howl of frustration and hurt. And then I put my key in the ignition and drive home.
Chapter Nine
I stay the weekend at Mags’ house. She can tell I’m miserable but being the good friend that she is, she knows when to back off. I try to put Liam, Stefan, everything, out of my mind and concentrate on having a good time.
We’re going to a party. Mags makes me dress up and curls my hair expertly. She catches my eye in the mirror and smiles at me.
“You’re so pretty,” she says. I smile back at her.
“So are you.”
But she just gives me a soft smile and shakes her head.
“Not like you. Why don’t you go out with boys?”
“You think I’m a lesbian?”
She laughs at that. “Actually, that thought has never occurred to me. Are you?”
I shrug and join in her laughter. “Not today, maybe someday.”
Then she looks at me seriously. “You could have any guy that you wanted.”
Except for Liam.
That’s when I tell her. Well, not everything of course. I don’t tell her about the cheating, but I do tell her about the sex with Liam and that it’s over now.
Her mouth drops open. “Omigod! He’s so hot. I can’t believe you kept it a secret for so long.”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s over now anyway.”
She gives me a sly look. “You like him, don’t you?”
“It doesn’t matter now,” I say sadly, and her gaze turns to sympathy.
“Don’t worry. We’re going to go this party looking hotter than everyone else there and find some guys to drool over us.”
Her enthusiasm is infectious, and once we start drinking I find myself smiling and laughing more easily than I have in a long time.
Philippa and Ethan pick us up for the party. Philippa’s already smashed and Ethan looks miserable that he’s sober driver. We three girls sing loudly and off key to songs on the radio while he tells us to shut up so he can concentrate on driving. We just ignore him.
The party is at Jeremiah’s house. He has a drunk girl hanging off of him already, but that doesn’t stop him from grabbing our asses in greeting. We look at him indignantly while we call him every name we can think of.
“What? Why are you girls so uptight?” he asks, his eyes wide and innocent.
“I’m gonna be sick,” his drunk girl moans.
“Not on the carpet!” He starts to drag her toward the bathroom.
Lise comes up to us with paper cups and a bottle of vodka. I decline at first; not wanting to get too messy, but then a text comes through from Stefan.
‘I’m thinking about you.’
That’s when I grab a cup full of vodka and orange and down it quickly as my friends cheer me on. My cup keeps getting refilled and it’s not long before the room starts to swim a little. Actually, it’s swimming a lot and I need to lie down before I fall. I manage to make my way up the stairs in my search for a bedroom. I see Liam and Kate at the top of the stairs. She’s resting her hand on his arm and the other is busy playing with her hair as she flirts. I purposely look away from them and head down the hallway. The first door I try has a couple of people making out in it and I close it quickly before they can say anything. The second one is free and I gratefully collapse down on the bed. It’s soft and I sink into it. Then I feel vomit rise in my throat and I scramble off the bed with amazing agility as I dash to the attached bathroom. The mixture of vodka and orange rushes out of me just as I get my head over the toilet bowl.
God, I hate throwing up. When I’m fairly sure that everything is out of my stomach I lean back and wipe my mouth with toilet paper. A tube of toothbrush lies on the vanity and I put some on my fingers and brush is around my mouth before rinsing.
I feel mildly better now, and the room has stopped spinning. Still, I can’t bear to walk, so I crawl over the tile onto the carpet of the bedroom. I’m greeted with a pair of jean clad legs sitting on my bed. I sit against the wall and manage to lift my head up to see who this intruder is.
Liam is staring down at me and he lifts his beer bottle to his lips. I look around for Kate but I see that he’s alone.
“You ruined my life, and I was here first. That’s my bed.” Right now I’m more annoyed that he’s sitting on my bed than the fact he ruined my French grade. God, my priorities are screwed when I’m drunk.
“You fall asleep here you’re probably gonna get raped by one of your preppy friends.” He says it casually, like he doesn’t care, which he obviously doesn’t.
I laugh and it’s bitter. “Trust me, that won’t be the worst thing that ever happens to me.” Then I remember myself. Being drunk is no excuse for letting down the façade.
He looks at me curiously but stays silent.
“Why are you such a cunt?” I ask him. I genuinely want to know.
Again, he doesn’t say anything so I continue.
“Does Kate know what a cunt you are?”
He shrugs. His silence is starting to annoy me.
“You and Kate would make a good couple, a bitch and a cunt together.” I know I should stop talking but I don’t. “Do you ever feel remorse for anything? You’re like such a fucking, inhuman machine. You only care about yourself, you know that?”
He drinks his beer as he looks away.
“I’m not screwing Lucas. I’m not right for him.” I think he flinches at that but it could be my imagination.
“Is that why you did it?” My voice cracks a little. I decide to stop talking now just in case I start to cry in my drunken state. He puts his beer bottle at his feet and then moves off the bed. He moves over to me and basically picks me up and puts me on the mattress. I stretch out, placing my head on the pillow.
“Go to sleep. I’ll take care of you,” he says gruffly, as he reaches down to pick up his beer bottle. I close my eyes and try not to analyze his words. Then I fall asleep.
I wake up a few hours later. Just a lamp illuminates the room and I turn over to see Liam lying beside me, staring at me.
“You’re not a pretty sleeper when you’re drunk.”
I put out a hand to shove him but even that movement seems like it’s too much effort.
“Where are my friends, have they left yet?” My throat is dry and my voice comes out hoarsely.
“They’re all passed out drunk downstairs. Go back to sleep, it’s still early.” I drift off again, and the next time I wake up sunlight’s streaming in the window and there are footsteps outside the door. Liam opens his eyes the same time that the door opens and Philippa flies into the room and jumps on the bed.
“Omigod, did you two do it? Ethan, get in here! Liam and Michaela just fucked!” I open my mouth to say something but she carries on excitedly. “Omigod, Michaela lost her virginity. We need to have a party!” She’s jumping up and down on the bed at this stage.
Ethan enters with a grin. “Way to go, dude,” he congratulates Liam.
Jeremiah comes in then, a look of disappointment on his face. “Asshole,” he scowls at Liam. “I wanted to be the first one to tap that ass.” Liam has a slightly amused look on his face but he doesn’t deny anything.
Mags charges in then. “Everyone out now!” They do what she says and as she turns to leave she gives me a wink.
I’m speechless as I sit up.
“They think we …”
“So?” Liam sits up as well and throws the blankets off. “We have, many times before.” He goes into the bathroom and I escape downstairs. Kate’s sit
ting on the couch with a blanket over her. The look on her face is one of misery and I feel a slight pang of sympathy for her. But then it’s gone fairly quickly.
Chapter Ten
Monday morning French class sees me walking up to Madame Gerard’s desk with my shameful F assignment in hand. The bell has rung and everyone else has filed out so at least my humiliation won’t be witnessed. I think she has a hangover because her face is tired and haggard looking, she keeps putting her hands to her forehead like she has a headache. I don’t blame her, if I was a teacher I’d be getting drunk all weekend too.
Anyway, it must be because she just wants me to go away and leave her alone that she agrees to let me make up my grade. I spin a sob story about being dumped by a guy and being so miserable that I couldn’t concentrate. It’s pathetic, I know, but she’s French and they’re a passionate race and seem to be more sympathetic to the ways of the heart. I think there is some legal defense over there about it being okay to kill your lover or something, but I could be wrong. She gives me a new assignment question to write an essay on. The question is written in French and I can’t read it yet so when she asks if I have any questions I shake my head and smile before escaping through the door.
I lean against my locker as I look at the words on the paper Madame Gerard has given me. I sigh; maybe it’s time to buy a French dictionary. The paper is grabbed out of my hand.
Liam looks at it and nods his head. “She went easy on you.”
I snatch it back.
“Piss off. I’m sure you’ve got other people to screw over.” I turn my back on him and start to walk down the hall and head to the library. His long stride ensures that he catches up to me easily.