Emerge

by Lila Felix

  Now wonder they had hit the town in such a hurry. That’s why they were waiting for me to get home. They had hit a small jackpot. They were doing whatever they do on my dime. They’ve stooped to stealing from their daughter. Well, I was my mom’s daughter, not his. That fact had been pointed out to me on more than one occasion. I blew out an exasperated breath and grabbed twenty dollars from my latest paycheck. I decided I wasn’t even going to say anything to them about it. It just wasn’t worth it. Either they were going to deny it, claim it was theirs for living there, or I was going to pay with my face. Just not worth it.

  Carlos pulled up to the curb a few minutes before three and I was waiting outside for him. I was sitting on the steps outside that faithful white door. I just couldn’t sit in that house anymore. My chin was between my knees and I was studying the driveway like it was giving me a grade. I heard his car pull up and his tires crunch against the curb, but I couldn’t bear to look at him yet.

  He got out of the car and sat on the front of the car on the corner closest to the house. He crossed his ankles and firmly folded his arms over his chest. He had a smug smile plastered to those luscious full lips.

  “Um…J?” he re-crossed his legs in the other direction, “I would’ve come to the door to get you.”

  He had that exasperated look again like I was a child covered in chocolate that he didn’t know how to control but you couldn’t help but smile at.

  I looked up and his image was blurry from the bubble of tears that hung on for dear life to the edges of the cliff that were my bottom eyelids. I always tried my damndest not to cry, but I felt like it was safe to cry with him around.

  I blinked to readjust my vision and the tears bobbled and weaved down my face. It was a loss of control that I hated.

  He immediately got off of the hood of the car, put his keys in his pocket and came towards me. He squatted in front of me and put his arms around my calves and placed his chin gently where mine just left.

  “Jenna, tell me what happened,” he whispered. Peppermint again.

  “I will, I just…Can we get away from here first?” I stammered out.

  “Yeah.” He squeezed my calves. “Let’s go.”

  He helped me to stand up and when we walked to the car he was a little bit behind me and had his left arm all the way around my waist and his hand was splayed on my stomach. It was as if he was holding me up without invading my space. It was the most tender touch I had ever felt. It was as if his touch had belonged to me all along.

  He opened the door for me and as we drove away from the house, so the hurt and stress was driven from my body.

  We arrived at the Santa Monica Pier and we parked in the parking lot to the left of the Pier. It was hot enough outside, but the surfers and swimmers still had wetsuits on, so the ocean must not have caught up yet.

  We stopped and I stared out of the windshield not ready to let go of the explanation for my tears. And he let me. He held my hand and let me be. As if by instinct he knew exactly what I needed, he let me stare and breathe in and out without questions or expectations.

  After a few minutes, I turned to him and cleared my throat, “I’m sorry.”

  He raised his eyebrows and answered, “You’re apologizing for crying?”

  I laughed at my own pitiful words. I shrugged, “Sorry.”

  He turned his bottom lip out again. A telltale sign I now recognized. Something snarky was about to exit that beautiful mouth.

  “So…” he began as he tried desperately not to smile, “Now you’re sorry for being sorry that you cried?”

  We both busted out laughing at that one.

  Our laughter died down finally, but his bandage had been applied well.

  He cleared his throat and said, “Spit it out.”

  I looked at him sideways and lost all of my resolve to keep my walls up.

  I sighed before I rattled off, “I saved my last paycheck. Well, most of it, to use in case of an emergency and I went to get some of it for tonight and it was gone. They took it. I wondered why they were in such a hurry to get out of the house last night and that’s why. They found my money and they took it and spent it God knows where on God knows what. Now if May or I need something there is no money, none. I mean I’m really not shocked that they took it, but I feel better when I have something put away.”

  I took a deep breath. It was all out there. My humility was peaked and I waited to see what he would think.

  “They stole your paycheck money?” he was truly alarmed.

  “Yeah, I had it in my dresser under my jewelry box. I try to change hiding spots every two weeks. And I went to get it and it was gone. It’s not the first time,” I explained.

  He sucked in a very deep breath, aligned his lips together in a straight line and closed his eyes. It was like one of those anger management therapies where they tell you to close your eyes and count to ten before your blood pressure explodes your heart. I fully expected steam to start blowing out of his ears with the accompaniment of the sounds of a train horn.

  I wanted to calm him down. But what I said almost made it worse.

  “It’s ok. It was only like a hundred seventy bucks or something in case we ran low on food or something May needed.”

  He opened his eyes and I could see my mistake instantaneously.

  He took a cleansing breath.

  “In case you run low on food? What does that mean? Is that something normal that happens?”

  I laid my forehead on the glove box in front of me and groaned.

  “Ughh… I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m hardly starving.”

  I pinched my own stomach as proof to him that it was going to be ok. I mean I was a solid size eight. I was neither plump nor skinny and to tell the truth I wasn’t really one of those girls that cared either way.

  I still had my forehead pasted to the glove box when he started rubbing my back in large circles. It was as if he was consoling himself as much as me. I turned my head without it leaving the glove box and looked at him to see what damage I had done.

  He mimicked my posture but his forehead was caressing the top of the steering wheel. He had his head turned towards me. He let out an enormously loud breath that made his cheeks puff out.

  “One of these days…” he said “I am going to need you to tell me everything…Everything. And it will be when I know you are safe and it can’t happen again. Because if you tell me now…well, I might not ever take you home again.”

  “Yeah? When’s that gonna be?” I didn’t want to doubt him; I swear it. I wanted to hang on to his every word and take them down into my being where I could hold on to them and know that they were true.

  “One day…when you’re mine and they can’t touch you anymore.”

  I popped up to sitting as stiff as a Maple 2x4. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate.

  “Ok, your turn…Explain.” The edges of my vision were graying and my pupils could only see his mouth as he began to explain things that I would remember for the rest of my days. He sat up in his driver’s side seat and turned to face me.

  “J, you’ve got to know that I love you. You’ve got to know that. I know I haven’t said it before, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I think I’ve loved you since I first saw you at school before you even knew that I was alive. I know it’s fast and it’s crazy and believe me my friends think I’m nuts.” He let out another impressive breath. Then he put his hand on the back of my neck and his thumb caressed that sensitive area under my neck where the remnants of my Mom’s scratch were. His fingers were combing the hairs which grew from the back of my neck. “I feel like I’ve been looking for you forever. And now I’ve found you. I can’t give you up. I want you to…No, I need you to marry me.”

  I swayed a little in my seat. I was just overwhelmed.

  “I’m sorry I don’t have a ring yet, but I’m saving up for it.”

  He misunderstood my facial expression.

  I put my hands over my mouth and loo
ked around the car just to buy myself a minute to think. I turned my head towards him slowly with my hands still on my mouth and said “Why?” The tears began again and I really didn’t care this time.

  He, ever so slowly, took my hands away from my face and placed them onto the sides of his face and said “Jenna, you’re smart and beautiful and funny and the strongest damn girl I’ve ever met. You are it for me.”

  He put my hands down from his face and said, “Sorry, I know it’s too quick. I just couldn’t help myself. I’m surprised I lasted this long.”

  And it was then that my tongue made the decision for me that would prove to be the best decision of my life.

  “Yes.”

  His eyes seemed to double in size and he said, “What?”

  “Yes,” I said again with a little more resolve.

  “Yes what? I just need to be sure here.”

  I reached up around his neck and hugged him with everything I had, not caring that the stick shift was making me slant in an uncomfortable way and whispered in his ear. “Yes, Carlos, I will marry you.”

  He nearly squeezed the life out of me in response to my answer.

  “Just remember…I said it first.”

  He laughed the laugh of a man who was relieved.

  “Yes, I will always remember that you said it first.”

  We finally let go but he held me in place. I’ve never wanted something and been so scared of something in my whole life as I was his kiss. Please God let him kiss me.

  And it was then that he did. It was soft, barely there. It was just enough for me to finally get to feel the raw heat and fullness of those lips that I had my eyes on for months. I saw balls of light behind my lids and every nerve I never knew I had came to life. His silken mouth enveloped mine and when he pulled away I moved my face forward slightly, not ready to let go yet.

  He put his forehead against mine and murmured mere inches from my lips.

  “I’ve waited to do that for a long time.”

  I nodded a bit in agreement. “Me, too.”

  “I can guarantee you that I’ve waited longer.”

  He pulled away slowly and pointed with a nodding head towards the Pier.

  “Come on… I wanna see your face on the roller coaster.”

  I groaned and got out of the passenger side. I had to hold on to the door for a minute to steady my knees but I tried to look all passé about it.

  I walked around the front of the car and his hand was already extended, waiting for me. It was a small detail to most, but to me he was offering his care and love without asking anything in return. It was a love I was going to have to get used to, a love I was learning to need.

  We rode the big roller coaster and ferris wheel and then played some goofy games. He stood behind me as I tried to learn how to shoot the water at the target but I couldn’t concentrate with his breath in my ear. We walked to the edge of the Pier where the older men fished in the ocean. We found a bench to sit on and I asked him about his family. I felt selfish for always talking about my problems and family. He told me about his Dad and his Mom, she lived in another country but his Dad lived in Los Angeles. His Dad lived with a witchy step-Mom but she was nothing compared to mine. So when Carlos turned 18, he and his brother got their own apartment. His brother worked too and was 11 months older than him.

  We decided on pizza for dinner and there was a little ‘hole in the wall’ place near the Pier. I checked the time out of habit and we still had plenty of time to get back.

  We laughed and joked over a pizza with everything, even pineapple. He had taken note of my drink choice a couple of days before and ordered one for me while I was using the ladies’ room. We told stories about growing up and I told funny stories about May. It was truly the first time in my life where I was liberated from my home environment and was simply me.

  My eyes got wide and the realization of the day’s events washed over me like a tsunami.

  He saw my face and reached over to take my hand in his.

  “What? What is it J?” He looked at his watch. “We’re fine. It’s only seven o’clock.”

  “You…you…I…You asked me to marry you.” My eyebrows went so far up that I could feel my forehead crinkle in response.

  He snorted and simply replied. “Did you forget? Don’t tell me you changed your mind.”

  I shook my head east and west and said, “No, I just…I don’t know…the reality just hit me I guess.”

  He let go of my hand and covered his laughing mouth with his fist. “What? You want to go right now? Come on let’s go to Vegas.” He moved the slightest bit pretending to leave his seat. He was laughing at himself.

  “Ha ha…you’re so funny.

  He shrugged, “Yeah but you love it.”

  I looked him dead in the eye and it caused his cackling to cease.

  “Yeah, I really do love you.” My blush was burning like I’d stuck my face in a fireplace.

  “And I love you.”

  We talked some more ad went for ice cream cones. He brought me home at 9:00. He didn’t have to bring me home early, but I insisted since he had to catch up on homework and actually get some rest on his day off. We parked on the curb and the sound of him putting his parking brake on threw my stomach up into my throat.

  He and I both simultaneously looked at the house and noted mentally that the lights were on in the house and the car was in the driveway.

  He was clenching and unclenching his jaw. I could see the muscles grinding and flexing underneath the skin on the side of his face.

  It was my turn to console him.

  “Carlos, it’s ok. I’m early. I’ll go in and go to bed. It’s no big deal.”

  “I wish…” He scrubbed his skull trim back and forth as if trying to stimulate his brain “You know you can call me if you need me. I’ll come get you or take you somewhere. You know I would come and get you day or night, right?”

  I smiled at my knight and returned, “I didn’t, but I know now. Thank you. Believe me. I’ve thought about leaving. I’ve thought about it ten million times, but I’m determined to finish high school and they aren’t going to stop me.”

  He nodded the tiniest bit in understanding. He was giving me that look again and I knew our second kiss was coming next. It’s funny how you experience something one time and then crave it like you’re addicted to it already. Then from the corner of my eye I saw the backdoor light come on, it was just a light bulb with no globe on it and the backdoor opened to reveal Medusa in full form. I did a double take as I saw the snakes for an instant. She had stepped her left foot onto the first step and had the corresponding hand on her hip. She had that look on her face that said, “Date’s over.”

  I gave him a small smile and got out without saying a word. There was no way I could defend my childish fear of her and I was embarrassed of the power she had over me. She was still glaring as I got to the porch and moved out of my way and did a ‘Vanna White’ gesture to let me into the door.

  “What does one do all day alone with a boy? I bet I can guess.”

  She slammed the back door and pushed me out of the way and stomped into her room. She was convinced that I lived the kind of life she did at my age but what she didn’t know, was that I lived every day trying to be the opposite of her in every way.

  I flipped off my shoes and noticed some sand in them even though we didn’t walk on the beach. It warmed my heart and I rubbed my chest with my fist convincing her that it would be all right. He was mine and he loved me and not just today. He wanted me for the rest of our lives.

  Chapter 14

  We went out on two more dates after that. We continued to see each other every day at school. One Saturday we went out to the movies and dinner with Natalie and Oscar, the boyfriend and their ‘cute as can be’ baby Caroline. Natalie grabbed me by the arm on the way in to the pizza joint after the movie and slowed me down to a turtle’s pace.

  “He really, really loves you. You know that right?”


  I smiled back at her, “Yeah, I know. I love him just as much.”

  “Yeah, I saw that when you bailed out of the theater that day.”

  I snorted, embarrassed by my own jealous behavior.

  “Yeah, sorry.” She laughed and it was the most lovable giggle.

  She rolled her eyes and said, “Ugh, it’s his fault. I told him to tell you that I wanted to meet you. He had run his mouth about you for weeks, maybe months and then he told me you were in his class on that first day.”

  She shook her head like the memory was that ludicrous.

  “He just wouldn’t shut up. So I said I wanted to see you and I wanted to bring Caroline to school anyway because some of my friends hadn’t seen her. He was supposed to tell you before we got there, I promise. I wouldn’t have done that to you. If that had been Oscar, Dios help me, I would’ve kicked him in the cajones for sure.”

  That got me laughing so hard. She was all of 5 feet tall. I don’t think her legs could reach his ‘cajones’ if she stood on a chair! But dang the girl had moxie.

  “It’s fine. I jumped to the wrong conclusion so fast. He didn’t have time to blink.”

  Carlos popped his head out of the front door of the restaurant smiling and said “Do we need to bring the food outside?”

  She pointed her finger at him and said, “No Chistoso, we’re coming. Calma te.”

  I gave him a look that said, ‘Oh, you just got told’ and he laughed and went inside.

  She looked sheepish and said, “Girl, I am starving, but we can’t let them know they made us hurry. Let’s go and walk really slow inside.”

  I giggled hysterically at her walking at the rate of a slug into that restaurant that by the time we made it to the table, I had tears running down my face.

  We ate and talked and he insisted that I sit on the inside of the booth and I gave him a funny ‘what are you up to?’ face but complied anyway. Then as we were eating, he reached out and held my right hand with his left hand. He had put me there on purpose. He knew I was left handed and he was right handed and that way we could continue to eat and still hold hands.