Emerge

by Lila Felix

  It was getting late and baby Caroline started to get upset towards the end of the meal. We had all ridden together so we left to go drop them off. It was out of the way but we had to bring them home first because of the baby. By the time we said our ‘goodbyes’ and started towards my house I thought to look and see what time it was.

  I swallowed and tried to appease the meal which had risen into my throat when I looked at my watch. It was 10:47 and we were late.

  “What time is it, J?” He looked worried and had already begun to drive at a faster speed before I could answer him.

  I took a deep breath and shut my eyes tight as I told him. “It’s 10:47.”

  “It’s ok. We’re gonna make it.” I didn’t know who he was trying to convince, me or him.

  He started driving at a maniac’s pace.

  “We’re not, so slow down. Getting a ticket isn’t going to make it any better.”

  He was driving that hellacious stick shift so I couldn’t hold his hand. So, I reached out and tried to rub the back of his neck while he drove. It seemed to calm him down a little.

  He was full on yelling now. “I really don’t care about a ticket, Jenna. I care about your psycho Mom raining hell down on you for being a few minutes late. You heard her that first time I picked you up. I mean she steals from you and she apparently hits you. Jesus, J, at this point I don’t even want to bring you home at all.”

  I couldn’t bear to look at him so worried and angry anymore so for the rest of the drive I just looked out the passenger side window and prayed. I took my hand away from his neck and twisted my fingers attempting to squeeze extra minutes out of them.

  When we were almost at the turn onto my street he looked at me and smiled and said, “What has four eyes, but can’t see.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Mississippi.” He shrugged and pointed. There was a road sign that we were passing that said ‘Mississippi Street’. I shook my head and laughed.

  “Oh, that was really bad.” He laughed, too, and it helped my heart, a little.

  By the time we pulled into the house it was 11:13 and all the lights in the house were on including the one by the front door that we never used. It was as if they were creating a beacon for me to come home to so they could make sure I was well lighted when they punished me for the thirteen minute treachery.

  I took a very deep breath and said, “Bye,” I got out of the car and started walking up the driveway and before I knew it he took pace walking with me. “What the hell Carlos? I’m late already.”

  “No, it’s my fault. I’m not going to let you take the blame.” He had a great look of determination on his face.

  “They don’t care whose fault it is. It’s always my fault, my fault alone.”

  “Well, get ready cause you’re not alone anymore.” He was a man on a mission and I fell a little deeper in love with him on that driveway.

  As soon as I walked up to the back door it jolted open and revealed a very wicked woman who was extremely satisfied with the current predicament I was in.

  She began her tirade. “Do you know what time it is?”

  My sarcastic brain summoned up several excellent answers for her question. ‘Bedtime? Break time? Nap time? Tea Time? Hammer Time?’ But I refrained from putting fuel on the fire. I had to clamp down on my tongue with my teeth not to say it.

  Carlos stepped in between her and I and the surprise of his actions made her step back a few small paces.

  “I’m so sorry. It’s my fault she’s late. I had to bring my friends home first and it took longer than expected. Please don’t blame Jenna. Blame me.”

  I was looking between them watching it all unfold as if I wasn’t a player but just a spectator. It was fascinating.

  “Oh, don’t worry.” She smiled her infamous fake smile. “I do blame you. But I also blame her and you standing there trying to save her from the consequences isn’t helping Mister Save Jenna From Her Mean Hateful Mother.”

  He looked at me and I saw him deciding what his best move was. He finally slowly walked away. His look of defeat crushed me. He got in his car and my Mom and I were still standing there gawking as he drove away. I looked up and met her cold steely gaze.

  “Get your ass in this house and we’re going to have a little discussion about responsibility and the price you pay when you don’t follow the rules. And don’t wake your sister up either. She’s been up all night crying for you.”

  That was a low blow and she knew it. May knew where I was. I had told her everything about Carlos in one of our secret closet meetings. And even if she didn’t know she wasn’t one of those toddlers who cried all night for something they wanted.

  “Ok,” I said and I went inside and there was already a chair in the middle of the room waiting for me. If it had one of those swinging light bulbs and a cup of stale coffee it would’ve been sooooo CSI. I snickered to myself at the thought. I knew what I was in for. I had gotten one of these all night lectures after I was late coming home from the library because the public bus on my route had broken down. I was in for a multiple hour lecture where I was expected to listen intently and at the end I would be told what they were taking from me. My Step-Dad, of course, pulled up a chair on the side of the room to watch the show.

  I sat in the antique looking chair and pulled my legs up to get comfortable. I let out a deep sigh and she stood up and so it began.…

  “Do you know what kind of girls stay out at all hours of the night?”

  Her droll voice and berating and belittling continued for hours. For the love of all that is holy, it was only 13 minutes. I wanted to scream it, but I was paralyzed in her presence. I couldn’t justify it or even understand it. It was an unconscious reaction.

  I made the mistake of glancing at the clock about a quarter after 12 in the morning and she got right in my face and said “Oh now you can look at the clock?”

  The interrogation lasted for about fifteen minutes after that and she finally sat down and said. “So…here are your consequences. Two weeks, no dates. And if I find out that you’re calling him from work or seeing him when you’re supposed to be at work I will make you quit your job. You go to school and work and that’s it. And if you get caught with him during the next two weeks I will make sure you never see the little bastard again. We clear?”

  I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally and I just nodded to her.

  She said, “You did it to yourself Jenna. I set the rules and you made a choice not to follow them. I can’t believe you made us stay up all night and do this.”

  I just nodded again like the idiot that I was.

  “Just go to bed. You look like hell and I’m tired of looking at your face.”

  I went to my bed and collapsed; clothes and all. I didn’t even get under the covers I flung the part that hung over my bed over my legs and passed out.

  Chapter 15

  That Sunday I slept in most of the day. My brains hurt and if there was such a thing…my soul was tired. I lay in my bed and let myself dream and wonder. I’d never allowed myself to let the dreamed up plans go too far. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But today, it was allowed and encouraged.

  I needed to find a way out of this life. I was used to it and I could take it. I had lived with it for so long that I was numb to it all.

  But Carlos wasn’t. He wasn’t used to it and he didn’t understand it and I never wanted him to. I wanted him to be as separated from this dysfunction as possible. And I never wanted to see that look of defeat in his eyes ever again.

  I sat up swiftly in bed and concreted my resolve. I was now keeping my eyes wide open for my chance. It had to be a chance that got not just me, but Carlos and me far away from them. As far as possible.

  I did a ton of laundry that day and folded all of May and my clothes. We reorganized her dresser and put all of her clothes that were too small for her in a bag. I would have to buy her some more with my next paycheck. I then reorganized her Petshops by
species and re-arranged her furniture in her hand-me-down dollhouse.

  For the rest of the afternoon I drowned myself in music. I had my earbuds way too loud and several times I wondered if I would still be able to hear when I was old. Then the greatest thought occurred to me. When I got old…he would be there with me. Carlos would be with me when I got old. I smiled to myself and changed my genre of music to words that reinforced my love for him.

  Monday arrived and I was not looking forward to telling Carlos that we wouldn’t be able to go anywhere together for two weeks. I knew that he would blame himself no matter how much I tried to convince him otherwise. I didn’t want to see his sadness again.

  I trudged up the stairs and turned to make my way to my locker where I was sure he was waiting. I craned my head around the corner. I spotted my locker right away but he wasn’t there. I looked down the hall but didn’t see him down there either. Him standing at my locker in the morning had become such a constant that it worried me that he wasn’t there today. Especially after the way he had left on Saturday night. The self-doubt and doubt of my previous resolve wrapped its black fingers around my heart. It was as if in mere seconds I had forgotten the words which were spoken, the love that was exchanged.

  I dropped off half of my books in my locker and begrudgingly made my way to homeroom. While walking between buildings I saw him. He was getting out of his car in quite a hurry and as he closed his driver’s side door, he was looking towards the gate. The Coach of the soccer team was apparently on gate duty today and he was edging the chain link closer to meeting its partner as fast as he could. Carlos barely squeezed through and after straightening himself met my gaze. We both looked in the air as the bell rang.

  I looked down and continued to walk towards my homeroom. Honestly, I didn’t know what to say to him and really I was waiting for him to say that it was all too much. I was waiting for him to admit that I wasn’t worth the fight, wasn’t worth the hassle. Wasn’t worth the time or energy needed to deal with my drama. I let these thoughts drag me down into a depressing swamp and there is where I stayed for the rest of the day.

  I kept my head down as I made my way between classes. I saw him in his usual spot between third period and fourth period but I cut through the herd and made my way up the stairs as fast as I could.

  For the first time in a long time I was reluctant about going to sixth period. I hardly ever skipped but it was tempting today. I walked as slowly as possible and slid through the door as the bell was blaring in my ears. I made my way to my desk, sat down with my bag on top of the desk and put my forehead on it.

  Mr. Escobar got in front of the class and got everyone’s attention. He said that if we wanted to we were free to go to the school library for the rest of the period since he had to reorganize the classroom since he didn’t want to work on it over the summer.

  I jumped out of my seat and nearly ran to the door. I thought I could make a clean getaway, go somewhere where my walls could be firmly in place without anyone trying to knock them down or get in.

  Burly arms encircled my waist and he whispered in my ear, “Don’t do this, Jenna. Don’t shut me out. I’m here and we’re going to talk…now.” He took my hand and guided me through campus to the library and back to sit at a table which was hidden behind the biographies.

  I sat down sideways in the smooth wooden chair and he sat down opposite me and looked overwrought with emotion. Which one it was, I was about to find out.

  I opened my mouth to start and then closed it. Opened it again and closed it again without a peep coming out.

  “Tell me what happened.” He took my chin in his hand and turned my face back and forth. I knew what he was looking for but obliged him.

  “I just got a very, very long lecture and then they told me that I can’t go out with you for two weeks. I’m not supposed to call you or see you unless it’s in class and if I get caught seeing you, they are saying they will stop me from seeing you at all.”

  He let out a big sigh and moved his chair closer to mine.

  “Jenna, it took everything in me to leave you there. I just thought the longer I stayed, the worse it would be for you. It killed me to leave you there at their mercy. But she didn’t….I mean I don’t see any…”

  I smiled to reassure him, “No, it was emotional interrogation this time.”

  “That’s not funny.” He was rubbing my arms now from my elbows to my wrists and back again.

  I shrugged. “I guess we’ll only see each other in school for a couple of weeks and they won’t let me talk to you on the phone.”

  “You mean they won’t let you talk to me on their house phone, right”

  “No, I meant that won’t let me talk to you on my Bat Phone.”

  “Ok, ok, cut it out smart ass.”

  I opened my mouth in a wide ‘O’ and tried to look truly offended. I even put my hand over my heart for effect.

  “Well, that was just rude, Sir.” He chuckled and the rumble melted my heart.

  “They didn’t say anything about talking to me on a cell phone did they?”

  “No… but that’s probably because…um…yeah…I don’t have a cell phone.”

  “I think you do.”

  “Oh, yeah, where is it?”

  “Right here.” He pulled out a phone from his bag and handed it to me.

  “Oh, no…you can’t give me your phone. I didn’t even know you had a phone.” At this point I was waving my hands, palms out, in the air like I was directing some kind of small aircraft.

  “It’s not my phone…” He pulled an identical phone from his bag. “This is my phone.”

  I pawed at his bag jokingly, “Dang, what else is in there?”

  He rolled his eyes at me. “This phone already has my number programmed in. I want you to call me anytime you want to or need to. OK? Just keep the ringer off.”

  I surrendered when I looked into his eyes. How could I not?

  “Ok”

  “Good. That’s where I was this morning.”

  “Huh…” That’s all I could get out.

  “So…you want to tell me why you’ve been avoiding me all day? Ack…” He put his hand out when I opened my mouth in protest. “Don’t even try to deny it, J.”

  I started in a whisper because I was now thoroughly disgusted with myself for ever doubting him or us.

  “I don’t know. I thought maybe…maybe I wasn’t worth the trouble. I mean my life is a mess and my parents are…Hell I don’t know what they are, but it’s trouble. I mean if I were you I wouldn’t…” My mouth apparently had truth diarrhea today.

  He closed his eyes and did that anger management thing where I could swear he was mentally counting to ten. His knee started bobbing, too. He cut me off before I could finish my ridiculous explanation.

  “Please don’t finish…please.” His eyes were still closed. “Remember the Pier?” He could see my face as I processed a snarky come back.

  “Dumb question. Look, I…Love…You. Not just that night on the Pier or when things are going good. We don’t have to deal with your parents for very much longer. After you graduate, you can get out of there and never look back, right?”

  “Yeah…I can.” He smiled.

  “Ok, so we deal with them the best we can until then. We…”

  He emphasized his point by giving my forearms a gentle squeeze. It was then that I looked down and saw his tattoo. The one that I noticed the very first time I saw him. I rubbed my thumb across it and said, “Is that your name? It’s kinda fuzzy.”

  “That, yeah. I got it done when I was twelve at a place that wasn’t exactly a legal tattoo place. And then I grew up and it kinda grew with me.” He smiled with a far off look. “My Mom beat my butt so bad…I didn’t sit down right for a week.”

  “I don’t blame her. But it’s kinda hot.”

  He locked eyes with me and said, “You think my tattoos are hot?”

  I blushed the entire spectrum of red and answered breathlessly.
<
br />   “Yeah, I do.”

  “Well, wait until you see the rest of them.”

  I raised my hands to cover my blush and hide but he caught my hands.

  “Don’t you dare. I love it when I make you blush. And I make you blush a lot. It’s not like you can hide it.”

  We both laughed and I slapped his outer thigh to make him stop laughing at me.

  The bell rang and we both stood up at the same time. Our mouths and faces were inches, no, centimeters from each other and I could smell the Aspen trees and cinnamon waft towards me, wrapping my senses in pleasure.

  The librarian came around the corner and cleared her throat very loudly. I glared at her but Carlos put his hands on each side of my waist and drew me out of my annoyance with her.

  He took my hand and led me out of the library and towards the parking lot. I cocked my head to the side and said, “I’ve got to get the bus.”

  “Nope, not today. They switched my days and I have tonight off.” He saw my alarm and said while aggressively rubbing the back of his neck with his other hand. “Look, I’ll drop you off a few blocks from your house and you can walk home, ok? I’m just….I’m just not ready to let you go yet today.”

  I just stood there like a zombie for a few seconds and almost teared up.

  I relented and said, “You take care of me.”

  He nodded and then laughed while he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and kissed my temple. “I always will, J. I thought we had covered this. You’re kinda slow. Jeez.”

  I reached out and tried to push his waist away and wrangle out of his shoulder hold at the same time.

  I balked at him, “Oooooh back to the insults, ok.”

  He just continued laughing while we walked to his car. Most of the cars were gone by then and he walked me to the passenger’s side of the car. He took my bag from off of my shoulder and put both of our bags in the back seat. He looked around the parking lot and then back to me. He took a few slow steps towards me and I backed away only to find that his car was his accomplice in his devilish scheme.