Emerge

by Lila Felix

  I ate slowly, enjoying the peace. I looked at the clock and it was past time for me to go. I threw my trash in the can on my way out and pulled my phone from my purse.

  He answered quickly and it startled me.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, I’m walking to work.”

  “I’ve been waiting for you to call. They just called me in to work. They are giving me some overtime. I got some this weekend too. But I didn’t want to miss your call. I’m in the car now, on my way.”

  “Hey, don’t talk on the phone and drive. I’m glad I got to talk to you but drive and be careful, ok?”

  “OK, I will. I’ll see you tomorrow baby.”

  “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow. Sunday…”

  He sighed a heavy sigh… “Yeah Sunday. Bye”

  I hung up first. I really didn’t want him driving and talking on the phone.

  I had to walk/run to work so I wouldn’t be late.

  I walked in and took up my usual duties. It was a not busy at all so the store was really quiet. I went to put the ordered sheet music in the store room when Mr. Cannon stopped me.

  “Hey there, Little Lady, I just wanted to tell you that you’ve been doing a really good job and you’re a Senior right?”

  “Thank you and yes, I graduate in a month.”

  “Well congratulations and there might be something extra in your paycheck for a job well done and maybe a graduation gift.” He winked at me.

  “Thank you, Sir.”

  You could tell that this whole conversation was uncomfortable for him. I think he had unbuttoned the cuff on his flannel shirt about 18 times during our 4 sentence conversation.

  I tried to save him.

  “Ok, well, I’ve got to get going on these. Thanks again.”

  “No problem Little Lady, you get to work.”

  I shuffled and stacked sheet music for the next two hours. I went to retrieve my bag and made my way out of the store. I took my time walking the distance home. I wished Carlos wasn’t working so I could call him but at the same time I was proud of him. He was really just a hard working, nice, guy and it was amazing that he loved me.

  I got home and there was still nobody home. I washed some of May’s new clothes that she had worn and then thrown on the floor. She now had three new pairs of shoes and I was grateful that they at least were buying her stuff in addition to themselves. It gave me some relief because soon, I was not going to be here to take care of her. The thought scared me and made me depressed, but I had to live my own life and staying and taking care of her would simply be enabling her.

  I took a shower and put some mousse in my hair to make sure it was extra curly for tomorrow. I put on my favorite black pajama bottoms with the white stars and an old, grey, worn thin Batman t-shirt. I was hungry, but there was nothing in the house that didn’t require defrosting or de-canning.

  I decided to walk outside for a while and it cleared my head a little. By the time I made it back inside I was ready to go to bed. The house was still empty and I wondered if they had gotten a sitter for May or they were just keeping her out at all times of the night. She didn’t have preschool on Fridays anyway, so I guess it was no big deal.

  I crawled into bed after plugging my phone back in and read until I fell asleep.

  Chapter 17

  The next morning I checked for May but there was no one in the house. I got dressed and went to school. I walked to my locker. I came up the stairs and there he was in all of his glory. He was wearing the outfit I saw him in the very first time and he was smiling at me already, but he looked exhausted again as well. We collided in perfect unison and I relished in it. It was if his embrace refilled my tank. I was running on fumes when I wasn’t with him. Just sputtering along until I got to him.

  We didn’t say anything. I didn’t have any words and they were not necessary right now. He was at a loss to because he didn’t utter a word as we stood together in the hall and let the world go on around us. But it seemed like only seconds before the bell rang. He placed his forehead against mine and said, “two days.” I nodded; it was the only thing I was capable of at the moment.

  I went through my classes as usual. Most of the teachers weren’t even teaching at this point as graduation was coming up and even if I skipped all of the finals, I still had good grades.

  I was making my way to third period when Carlos caught my elbow and pulled me to the side of the crowd. I barely made it without being mauled.

  “Hey, I’m gonna leave. But I didn’t want to go without telling you.”

  “Where are you going?” It was the middle of school for crying out loud.

  “Work called on my cell. A guy got hurt today and they need a fill in and I could use the overtime.”

  “During school? They know you go to school right?” I thought it was ridiculous.

  “Yeah, but I’m 18 and even if I skip my grades won’t suffer. I need the money, J.”

  I mocked him by sticking my bottom lip out.

  He ran his thumb over my lip and sighed like it hurt him.

  “Don’t you do that. Two days right? Two days and I get you all to myself.”

  I groaned.

  “Ok, go to work. Sunday at noon, right?”

  He smiled and it reached his eyes. “Oh, I knew you’d give in. Yes, noon.”

  “Just go.” I smiled to let him know that I was joking.

  “OK, bye.” He pecked me on the forehead and was out of the hall before I knew it.

  I whispered to no one, but me, “Two days”

  I made it through the rest of the day and even though my Mom insisted on going, I was actually looking forward to shopping for my dress stuff tomorrow.

  I got home and everyone was going about their business. And apparently a food run had been made because there was a full scale meal made and the remains of it were on the stove and the counter.

  They were eating at the table and I thought I could get away with going to my room in peace. I was wrong.

  “Jenna, I assume we’re going tomorrow in the late afternoon since you have to go to your little job, right?”

  I rolled my eyes to her referral to my ‘little’ job.

  “Yeah, I get off work at noon, so we can leave about one, is that ok?”

  “Yeah…” She crooned. “How exciting.”

  I went to my room and did my homework. Later in the middle of the night I snuck into the kitchen and ate some of the leftovers. When my Mom cooked it was really good food. I’d have to give her that.

  I woke up at the butt crack of dawn the next morning and went to work. I worked until about eleven forty-five and went to ask Mr. Cannon if he had my check since I didn’t work yesterday.

  He was in the back office. It wasn’t finished and the plywood walls were littered with calendars and receipts and pictures with funny sayings.

  I knocked on the door jamb since there was no real door to knock on.

  “Mr. Cannon?”

  He turned around and the way he smiled reminded me of Santa Claus. Plus he was wearing a red flannel shirt with red suspenders and it just helped the image even more.

  “There you are Little Lady. I was hoping you would stop by before you left for the day. I’ve got your check and something else for you.”

  “Sir? What else?”

  “Just look in the envelope.” He chuckled and it was certainly a belly full of jelly.

  I opened the envelope and my regular paycheck was in it.

  He said, “Here, sign it and I’ll cash it for you.”

  “Thank you” I signed I and he went about counting out the right amount.

  He handed it to me and said, “Go on…there’s another one in there.”

  I made a questioning face and he just shooed his hands at me as if to make me hurry up.

  I looked in the envelope and pulled out a wad of cash.

  My eyes widened and my mouth opened and stayed that way.

  Mr. Cannon smiled and said, “For your hard work. Y
ou deserve it.”

  It was all in twenty dollar bills but as I mentally counted, it was three hundred dollars.

  I looked to Mr. Cannon and started to protest, but not too much.

  He interrupted me. “Just close your mouth and say thank you.”

  I ran to him and hugged him as he chuckled and I must’ve said ‘thank you’ about two hundred times before I left.

  I strolled home and before I reached the house I put the three hundred dollars in my bra. It was kinda weird, but there was really no safe place in my house to stash it. I felt like one of those old ladies in the grocery store who pulls out all of those sweaty bills out of her amply filled brazier. I shuddered in memory of it.

  I walked into the house through the side door and brought my bag with me into the bedroom. I was so anxious about going to pick the fabric for my dress, mostly because I was excited and the rest was because my mom had insisted on coming with. I changed my shirt because after I had dusted a trumpet and climbed down the ladder, well, by the time I got down my shirt was covered in musical dust.

  I changed into a fitted v-neck white t-shirt and left the jeans I had on. I was wearing my flip flops in case I had to try on shoes. I didn’t know if we were shopping for shoes or not, but I wanted to be prepared.

  I grabbed my bag and went back into the living room where my Mom sat on the couch. She looked like she was trying too hard. She had one of her new outfits on complete with these big gaudy red hoops that matched her stop light red shirt.

  She looked disgusted when she said, “Jenna, is that what you’re wearing?”

  I looked down at myself and shrugged. “Yep.”

  “You could at least try not to embarrass me. I can’t even imagine what kind of dress you’re going to want.”

  Just then there was a knock at the door and Rebecca was standing outside clapping again.

  I opened the door and stepped out before she could step in.

  “Hi! Thank you again for doing this.”

  She was smiling and doing some kind of jig. “I’m so excited. Where’s your Mom, let’s go.”

  She appeared behind me, I could smell her. She smelled like she had bathed in department store perfume.

  Rebecca motioned to her car which was a cross between a station wagon and an SUV and said, “Come on, let’s go. We can take my car.”

  When we got to the car, Rebecca had gotten into the driver’s side and unlocked the doors. My mom pushed me out of the way so she could sit in the front seat. It was childish and ridiculous.

  We rode in silence most of the way and then Rebecca turned off of the freeway at an exit marked Downtown Los Angeles. I noticed the change of scenery and it was overwhelming. Stores were packed together and there was signage in every imaginable language. Some had shoes, some had purses, some had boots, and there were warehouses which advertised that they had any kind of fabric one would ever want.

  Rebecca parked in a paid parking lot and got a ticket from the dispenser as she drove into it. We parked quickly and she got out and her whole demeanor had changed. She was like a woman on a mission and you could tell that this was her element.

  “This way, come on.” She sounded like a tour guide and put her arm through mine and completely ignored my Mom as we took off in a fast pace.

  “Ok, Jenna, first we are going into a store to see what kind of style you want. I was going to get you some magazine pictures but I figured this was better.”

  Mom was barely keeping up and I snickered into my fist.

  We headed into the first store after about three blocks of walking. I didn’t think my mom was going to make it and she slumped into the first chair available. The store almost reminded me of a dry cleaner’s. There were revolving racks everywhere and then I looked up and there were thousands of dresses hanging in bags.

  I looked to Rebecca in awe and she was smiling like a Cheshire cat.

  “Where do we start?” I asked her.

  She grabbed my hand and towed me to the back. “Here.”

  We looked for an hour and I found a perfect dress. It was a beautiful shade of red that wasn’t too bright but wasn’t too dark. It was a halter top but the way it was cut didn’t reveal too much cleavage. It was slit up the side, but it was a little too high for my taste.

  I put the hanger around my neck and twirled around.

  Rebecca was excited about it and said the shape would be flattering for my body shape and the color was perfect for my fair skin. I didn’t know about that, but I knew I loved this dress and I loved the color. She also said that she could fix the slit so that it wasn’t so revealing.

  “Should we show it to your Mom?” She acted like she wasn’t sure.

  “Yeah, I guess. I mean, that’s why she came, right?” I shrugged and started towards the front of the store.

  We walked through the maze of dresses again and I stopped in front of my mom with a genuine smile.

  She looked at the dress and up and me and back at the dress.

  She flicked her finger, outlining the dress like she was drawing in the air.

  “This is what you chose?” She said and her words were interwoven with disdain.

  “Yes, isn’t it gorgeous?”

  She nodded and for a split second she had me fooled.

  “Yes, it’s perfect for a prostitute or a whorehouse. If that’s the direction you’re going then ‘yes’ it’s perfect.”

  The most ironic part of her whole premise was that she was wearing a shirt and huge hoop earrings that were almost the exact same color.

  I was absolutely humiliated. I had never been so ashamed of whom I was and the fact that she was my mother in my whole life. I had been to food banks, welfare offices, bought groceries in front of people from school with food stamps and everything in between. This was an all time low for me and being in her presence presently made me nauseated.

  I had to do something before I puked.

  I put the dress gently on the ‘return’ rack and walked back in front of Rebecca. “I think I’m done shopping Rebecca, but thanks. If you wouldn’t mind, could you please just pick the fabric and make me whatever dress you think would suit me?”

  Rebecca was still dumbfounded and her eyes, though her body was facing me, were still glued to my mother, unbelieving.

  She grabbed my arm again and we went only three stores down and what looked from the outside to be a small store turned out to be the storefront for a huge fabric warehouse. She pulled me with her as she picked the most beautiful shimmery pale blue fabric. She said it was the perfect kind of fabric for the dress she had in mind.

  I stood with her as the attendant cut the appropriate amount and handed it to us and pointed to the register. We went to the register and after showing her wholesale license I only ended up paying $60 in total for the fabric, thread and a zipper.

  We made our way back to the store front and Rebecca held the bag all the way back to the car. It seemed as if she was as pissed as I was and I think she was a bit embarrassed for me. Hell, I wanted to hide under a rock.

  We got into the car and my Mom started complaining that she was hungry and she wanted to stop and get something to eat. Rebecca pulled off of the freeway at our exit and proceeded to the nearest In & Out. My mom ordered enough food for her, Wallace and May. I didn’t order anything and neither did Rebecca. When we pulled up to the first window my Mom feigned surprise at the fact that she had no cash. Then she tried some card and it was declined. Embarrassment apparently wanted to be my best friend today. I pulled out enough cash and handed it to Rebecca and then she handed me the change back.

  We made our way home and as we were getting out Rebecca stopped me.

  “Jenna, I really need to go ahead and take your measurements while you are here so I can get your dress done in enough time to make alterations if we need to. Why don’t you come in and do it now?”

  I was grateful for what she was doing and I started back to her house with her. My Mom started to follow us and Rebecca turne
d on her and was none too nice about it.

  “Um…Miranda? I stopped because you said you were starving. Certainly Jenna can get her measurements taken by herself, right? I mean she is an adult. Why don’t you go back to your house and eat and Jenna will be home shortly.”

  My Mom huffed but turned around nonetheless and made her way back home.

  I followed Rebecca upstairs to this beautiful loft type room with a bay window. It had dress forms in every corner and fabric was splattered along the furniture like paint.

  She said, “Ok, strip down to your skivvies and let’s get your measurements.”

  I blushed and my mouth went slack.

  She turned around and I was still dressed.

  She snorted, “Oh Jenna, I’m sorry, all of my actors know to just strip and it’s no big deal. Sorry honey. But really I’ve seen it all and you don’t have to be shy around me, ok?”

  My blush never left but I took off my shirt and jeans and stood before her almost naked and itching to put my clothes back on. She measured everything and then she asked me to put my arms up to measure my bust. She put the tape around my breasts and felt the bulge of money. I laughed and pulled it out and she gasped.

  “Jenna, what are we old women?” She was giggling so hard.

  “No, we are women who don’t like our money stolen and who have no other place to hide it.”

  She shook her head and continued measuring. She finally finished up and wrote everything down and told me it was ok to put my clothes back on. I did so as quickly as I could and stuffed my money back into my bra as she giggled at me some more.

  She asked me to sit down and I had to move some fabric before I could find a spot in the chair she pointed to.

  “Jenna, I live here alone and I spend a lot of time up here. I see a lot through those windows.”

  “Oooook” I thought she was going to tell me all of the horrendous things my parents did when I wasn’t around.

  “I’ve seen that boy with you. I should say young man because I’ve seen the way he treats you in gesture and the way he handles you when you’re upset. I don’t want you to think that I’ve been spying, but sometimes I just see things. And let me tell you, that young man is in so deep, he couldn’t get out if he tried.”