Emerge

by Lila Felix

  He grabbed me tighter and pressed our chests together but it didn’t feel close enough. I moaned into his mouth and I couldn’t believe I was making those noises.

  He broke free and laughed, “That’s the chicken and rice moan.”

  I laughed and hid my face in his neck because I was so embarrassed.

  “You’re gonna have to rename it. It sounds so lame.” I laughed.

  “It’s the way you moan for me,” he whispered into my ear.

  I nodded, still hiding. “Yes, it is.”

  “Come on let’s get off of this bed before I rethink this whole ‘wait until you graduate to sweep you away’ thing.

  “Ok,” I agreed and we picked up all of the photos and I cooed one more time at his baby photo before I placed it into the box.

  “Hey, can you do me a favor?” I knew he would.

  “Name it.”

  “You’re gonna think I’m so weird.”

  “Spill it.”

  I reached into my shirt and he reddened.

  “What kind of favor are we talking about here? I take it back.”

  I pulled out my bonus money and showed it to him.

  “This is the bonus I got at work today. It was in…you know…there…because I can’t hide it at home.”

  “Because they’ll take it again…”

  “Yup.”

  He was kneeling on the ground putting his box of pictures in his drawer.

  “You want me to keep it for you?”

  “Yeah, if that’s ok.”

  “Of course it is. Here.” He took the money from me and pulled out his wallet. It had a space for cash and he had some in it and it had another space for cash that was empty. He put my money in it and said. “There. You’ve got a space in my home, my heart and now my wallet.”

  I rolled my eyes at his cheesiness.

  We walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. I turned and put my feet on his lap and he didn’t move them, he started rubbing my feet for me. He turned on some Credence Clearwater Revival with a remote. I loved the classic rock stuff just like he did and we talked for a while going back and forth about bands.

  He got a mischievous look on his face and said, “Tell me about prom dress shopping.”

  “Ugh…it was humiliating.”

  He tried to stifle his laughter but it wasn’t working.

  “I thought it was supposed to be fun.”

  I was enjoying his hands on me a little too much to be talking about bad things, but I continued telling him the story.

  “It was fine until I showed Mom the dress I wanted and she…”

  He stopped rubbing my feet and changed the tone of his voice.

  “What’d she say or do?”

  “See? You’re getting pissed off. Nope, I’m not telling you. I don’t want to spend our time like that.”

  He put his head back and looked at the ceiling.

  “I won’t be pissed. Ok, ok, I will try not to be pissed. Tell me.”

  I groaned. I knew it wasn’t me he was angry with but I still didn’t like it.

  “Fine. She said that the dress and the color I picked out was a perfect choice for prostitutes and whorehouses.”

  I looked up at the ceiling like he had done before and forbade myself to cry.

  He let me stay that way for a few minutes and then wiggled one of my feet to get my attention.

  “Hey, come here.”

  I hesitated because I was still composing myself. But I couldn’t resist him or the comfort I felt from his presence.

  I looked over at him and he reached over and pulled me over to him and engulfed me in his embrace. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. I knew that the way my mother acted affected him now as much as it did me.

  While he was still holding me I finished the story and told him all about Rebecca and what she had said about us.

  “She’s right.”

  “Yeah, I’m in pretty deep over here,” I admitted.

  “She was right about me too.” I hugged him tighter and replied, “I know.”

  We stayed like that until the lock on the door jiggled a bit and scared the crap out of me.

  “It’s just my brother. He has the damndest time with that lock. It’s funny to watch him struggle with it for a few minutes though.”

  “You are a shame. Go help him.”

  He moved to get up and just as he did, his brother won the war with the lock and entered the apartment.

  He walked in and put a bag and a helmet on the floor in the front hallway and smiled as he broached the living room.

  He was a little taller than Carlos. His skin was a little darker than Carlos’ too and he was skinnier than a stray cat.

  He extended his hand, “Hey, I’m Saul. You must be Jenna.”

  I reached my arm out to shake his hand. “Yeah, I’m Jenna, nice to meet you.”

  He walked back to retrieve his bag and told Carlos, “I’m going…um…out tonight. Won’t be back until tomorrow sometime.”

  Carlos just shrugged and replied, “Yeah, ok.”

  Saul went in his room and dumped all of his stuff out, packed it up again and was saying “Goodbye” before we knew it.

  I looked at him and said, “Time?”

  He checked his watch, “8:12, we’ve got two hours.”

  He was looking straight ahead and was desperately trying to hide a smile on his face.

  “Ok, your turn. What are thinking about when you grin like that? Or do I want to know?”

  “I was thinking about what I could bribe you with to make you tell me about your dress.”

  I was trying so hard to be a hard-ass about it. “Nothing.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Ice-Cream?” Damn you cold creamy treat.

  I didn’t hesitate. “Done. Let’s go.”

  I got up and grabbed my stuff and headed towards the door. He wasn’t following me so I looked back and he was laughing so hard that he was doubled over.

  “It’s not that funny.” I was putting on my mean girl face, which is so far from mean it’s pitiful and squinted my eyes at him while tapping my foot in mock anger.

  He got up and grabbed his keys and headed towards me.

  He was trying to make himself stop laughing but it was in vain.

  “You’d be a pitiful hostage. They’d just offer you ice cream and you’d tell them everything.”

  “True…but you love me, so it’s ok.”

  His whole face became as serious as I’ve ever seen it.

  “Remember that, J.” He smiled again and swatted me on the butt and said “Now…ice cream for the woman.”

  I laughed at him and we left on a quest for my bribe.

  We drove out to Ben & Jerry’s and he had never been there before.

  I looked at him like he was out of his mind.

  I rushed to the counter and order my favorite cup of Phish Food. He was still looking and I offered him a bite of mine to try it.

  “I don’t like chocolate, Jenna.” My whole face dropped and I nearly dropped my cup of ice cream.

  “Now we have to break up.” I tried to look like my world had fallen apart.

  “I don’t like peanut butter either.” He shrugged as he said it.

  I stuck my spoon into my ice cream violently and said, “That’s it, take me home, we’re sooo over.”

  He laughed and leaned into me so that the whole ice cream shop didn’t hear him. “There’s better things than chocolate and peanut butter, J.”

  I giggled, “Dirty….Go get some ice cream before you melt mine.”

  He laughed and ordered a scoop of Banana Split.

  We decided to go sit at the beach and finish our ice cream. We still had a little over an hour before we needed to leave to get back on time. We parked in the parking lot by the Pier right on the edge between the parking lot and the beach. We both sat on the hood of his car.

  I was thoroughly enjoying my Phish Food and watching the waves roll in and out. The moon
was illuminating them and made them look unreal.

  I felt him looking at me and stopped eating. “What?”

  “You got your bribe, where’s my details?”

  “Well, the truth is that I don’t know other than the color.”

  “I’ll take it, what color.”

  “It’s a light blue. That’s the fabric we bought.”

  He nodded.

  He resumed eating and finished it way before I did but waited until I finished before he walked over to throw them away.

  We sat there together in silence and I looked at his watch way too often.

  I just didn’t want to make that mistake again.

  “We’ve got time, plus I set my watch ten minutes faster.”

  I tried to be happy even though my stomach was turning somersaults because I had to go back home.

  “You know what the best thing is about Sunday dates?”

  “What?”

  “You get to see me tomorrow.”

  “True. But you know what would be better?”

  “What?”

  “Saying ‘let’s go home’ and meaning the same place.”

  I moved closer to him and we held each other until it was time to go home.

  He dropped me off and I knew she was going to have something to say about me spending almost eleven hours with him. She’ll get over it. She can’t control me forever.

  I walked in the door and she was getting laundry out of the dryer.

  “Didn’t know if you were coming home or not,” she spat.

  “I live here,” I said it quietly.

  “I didn’t give you permission to stay out with a guy for twelve hours.”

  It was all I could do not to give her a smart remark about it only being eleven hours.

  “I didn’t ask, Mom. I didn’t ask.”

  “If you live under this roof, you’re not going to whore around with a guy for eleven hours at a time and call it a date.”

  “Mom, I’m not a whore. He’s my first real boyfriend.”

  “Doesn’t have to be to fit the bill. I remember being a teenager.”

  “Well, I’m not like you.”

  I walked into my room and changed into my pajamas. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and said ‘to hell’ with the rest.

  The rest of the week went fast and by Thursday I was over-ready for the weekend to be here. Rebecca had come over on Tuesday afternoon and wanted me at her house on Saturday afternoon to try the dress on and see what alterations needed to be done. My schedule had been changed at work so I now had to work Fridays instead of Thursdays, which was fine because Carlos worked Friday nights anyway, so it wasn’t as if we could go anywhere.

  I got to sixth period a little early and Carlos was already waiting for me in our spot in the corner.

  I sat down and ran my hand down his back and said, “Hi.”

  He turned towards me in his desk and said, “Guess what?”

  “What?”

  “I’m taking you to dinner tonight.”

  “On a school night?” I fake gasped.

  “Yep. Chinese?” He knew I loved Chinese.

  “Yum. I should call my Mom so she doesn’t have the excuse that I didn’t tell her.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Ugh…Is it graduation yet so you can get out of there?”

  “I wish.”

  I called my Mom and told her instead of my routine of asking her for permission. She gave me an earful of grief over it but I reminded her that I wasn’t asking. She was positively livid and said, “Hope you have a good meal.” Whatever that meant.

  We went to eat and it was a nice change of pace to be out on a school night.

  He dropped me off at home and I went to get out and he pulled me back into the car for one more kiss before I got out. I looked up and waved at Rebecca. She looked at me but didn’t wave back.

  I walked into the house and the place was a wreck. The cabinets were open again like one of those creepy ghost movies and the dishes were dirty. My stomach threw itself into knots at the sight and my imagination went wild at whom or what awaited me when I crossed the threshold into the rest of the house.

  I heard, “Jenna, are you finally home?”

  “Yes…I’m… in the kitchen.” I don’t think Chinese is my favorite food anymore.

  “Did you have a good time?” she asked and not in a good way.

  “Yes, we had fun.” My brain was scrambling to figure out where this was going so I could shuffle around it.

  “And was the food good? Where did you eat?”

  I reached into the refrigerator to get something to drink but there was nothing so I closed it.

  “Yeah, we went to eat Chinese. It was good. I’ve never been to that place before.”

  I looked back at her. Fake smile alert.

  “Well, while you were traipsing around town filling up your fat gut we were sitting here hungry. May went to bed hungry.”

  “Why don’t we have any food?” With all the shopping that’s been going on certainly they could’ve hit up the grocery store.

  “Because we don’t have any money, stupid.” She was getting closer to me and I stepped back, but I was against the refrigerator.

  “Mom, y’all have been buying clothes and shoes and everything else for weeks. We have to have some kind of money.” I wanted to say ‘Duh!’

  “That’s none of your business. And they ran out, I mean, we ran out of money.”

  “Well, take back some of that stuff and get some food.”

  I was done with this conversation and so I moved forward to get around her.

  It happened so fast I couldn’t move or stop it. She reached out and slammed the right side of my head against the stove top. It hit one of the burners and I flopped onto my butt on the floor. My face nearly hit the refrigerator.

  I reached up and my hand came back with blood. She crouched down and got into my face and I could smell her rancid breath. It was a mix of sewage and coffee and my beloved Chinese knocked at the door of my stomach wanting to be freed.

  “You filthy fat bitch. You go out with your little bastard boyfriend and eat and be happy while the rest of us stay here and you have the gall to come home and tell me what to do. Don’t you know the only reason he’s treating you good now is so that he can make your life hell later? You think you’ll have it any better than me?”

  I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to push her backwards and watch her fall on her ass. But my vision was blurry and I was getting dizzy. I couldn’t do anything but sit there like a loser.

  And then it hit me as I looked into her face. It hit me harder than she ever had and summoned up feelings that I didn’t want to feel for her. I felt sorry for her. I pitied her. All of this hatred and resentment towards me was jealousy, in the purest and simplest form.

  She finally got out of my face and it took me 10 minutes to come to my senses. She was sitting at the kitchen table doing…something.

  I reached into my bag and got my phone out. I called Carlos and he answered on the first ring.

  “Are you ok?”

  She saw me on the phone but didn’t even flinch. She probably already knew I had it.

  “No, can you come and get me?”

  “What happened, Jenna?” his voice was virtually a roar. “I’m getting into my car now.”

  “Ok, I’m gonna get some ice. Just come to the side door.”

  “Ice? Jesus, OK, I’m coming.”

  I put down the phone. I scooted, still on the floor over to the floor and pulled a dishrag down from the side of the sink. She got up then and begrudgingly grabbed the rag from me and opened the freezer and filled it with ice and jabbed it towards me.

  I put it on my head. I leaned up against the cabinets now behind me for I don’t know how long.

  I heard the screeching of tires and the side door flew open. He didn’t even bother to knock.

  He rushed to me and removed the dishtowel from my head and looked at it.

&nbs
p; He got into a different position and lifted me up to standing and then reached under my legs and carried me out.

  He turned around before he reached the threshold of the kitchen and was talking to my mother.

  “What in the f-is wrong with you? She’s your daughter.”

  She shot him the middle finger and I don’t even know if he saw it.

  Chapter 19

  He brought me home begrudgingly as he really wanted to take me to the hospital. But the cut was superficial and I hated the smell of hospitals.

  We went in and his brother was not there. I didn’t know if it was me or if he just never stayed here. I walked straight to the couch and Carlos went to the kitchen for something. I just sat there. This, apparently, was a great couch for thinking.

  He came back into the room with a new dishtowel with new ice in it and swapped mine out for the new one. He handed me 3 little oval shaped blue pills and a glass of water. I took them without saying anything.

  I didn’t deserve this guy that was running around rescuing me from my life. I wondered what he saw in me that made him think that it was all worth it. I looked at him and said,

  “I need to wash the blood off. Can I use your bathroom?”

  “Yeah. Leave the door unlocked in case you need me.”

  He was being distant. My heart told me it was because he was angry with my Mom. My brain told me he was realizing how ‘not worth it’ this whole thing really was.

  “OK.” I made my way to the bathroom and I looked like the ending scene of Carrie. There was blood down my face, down my shirt and even some on my shoes.

  I must’ve gasped because he was in the bathroom next to me within seconds.

  “What happened?” He looked alarmed

  “Nothing. I scared the crap out of myself. Look at me.”

  Then I looked at him and he had blood on his clothes too.

  I tried to joke and pointed to his shirt.

  “Oh, I leaked on you too.”

  “You should be at the hospital but damned if I can make you do anything.”

  He was pissed. He got into the cabinet under the sink and pulled out hydrogen peroxide and cotton balls and some kind of ointment.

  He motioned for me to sit on the counter and I did. He prepped the cotton balls with hydrogen peroxide and went to work.