All I Want Is You

by Ms. Neicy

  My father was the reason I took that charge for Renzo. I never lied to my father, and he told me the way to get in was for him to trust me. He saw the potential in Renzo, so he wanted me to reap all the benefits. Not even a year after I took the charge did my parents file bankruptcy. I didn’t understand what was going on or why it was going on, but it happened. My mother never wanted anyone to know, so I kept it to myself. Some of the money that we had from running the drugs… yep, I reached into that stash to help my parents out. Even still, to this day, I was helping out my mother. It was crazy the chain of events that had taken place, but I guess that was life. My mom used to be a very happy person, but after what my father did, she had become broken and bitter. It was like she wanted everyone else to be miserable just because that was her current situation. Daddy left momma to be with a mixed woman and my mother was still fucked up about that. She used to be on top of everything, but it was like she just didn’t give a damn anymore. I came over to visit, and I was now rethinking my decision to do so, because she always made me feel worse about things.

  “So what did you find out?”

  “Well, he has an apartment somewhere off of 290, and she comes and stays the night sometimes. I even have an address on her. She works as a fucking administrative assistant, so I’m trying to see what the hell he sees in her.” I said. I was drawing a blank each time I thought about it, and the fact that she was a few years younger than he was, I just really couldn’t picture that.

  “The same thing your father saw in that trailer park trash he left me for. These niggas ain’t shit but hoes and tricks, I swear. You’re funky ass daddy did the same bullshit. He left me to be with that other fucking woman. That nigga left me with nothing while he’s off living the got damn life. You better fight for what’s yours and pull out all your fucking wild cards if you have to. Anything that can incriminate his ass, you need to hold on to. All the pictures all the information you have, take that shit to court. That way, they can give your ass spousal support, and you’ll never have to work another day of your life. Listen to me, hell. I should’ve done the things I’m telling you to do.” My mother fussed.

  “That’s just it mom. I really don’t want to lose my husband; he’s-”

  “You don’t want to lose him? Are you fucking crazy? You’ve already lost him child. If he wanted you, he would come back home. He doesn’t want you. That’s why he hasn’t come home. You just told me he has an apartment. What the hell makes you think he’s coming back?” She said, as she rudely interrupted me.

  “I think that he just needs a second to get his mind right.” I said. I was starting to believe the things my mother was telling me, but I really didn’t want that to be my reality. I wanted things to work with my husband. Hell, I didn’t mind being a better wife and mother if I could just come out with the truth about everything.

  “Well, you can sit around and believe that shit if you want to. I’m telling you what to do. It’s up to you if you want to do the shit or not.” My mother said turning the volume up on the TV. I just looked at her as she smirked. I loved my mother, I really did, but ever since my dad left her, she wasn’t the same loving, supportive, and caring mother she once was. Sometimes, I really hated to talk to her, because she would pump my head with all this bullshit and have us both looking assed out.

  “I’m about to go mom.” I said getting up to leave.

  “Why you leaving?” she asked like she really cared.

  “I have to get going. I’ll be back to check on you soon.” I said walking to the front door.

  “Ok, baby. Lock the door on your way out. I’ll hear from you soon, and remember what I told you.” She said. Those were the last words I heard before I closed and locked the door. I didn’t want to hear any more of my mother’s negativity. In the car, I broke down. I was carrying around too many things, and I was having so many different emotions, I didn’t know what to do. I needed to just get right with my husband and come clean about everything, but hell, I didn’t know where to start. After about five minutes of my meltdown, I decided to call my dad. Although he was more nonchalant before, it seemed like him and my mother had switched roles since he left.

  “Hey baby, how are you today?” he said, as soon as he picked up the phone. Once again, I broke down. I was entirely too emotional. My breakdowns were becoming too frequent, and I wouldn’t be able to keep it under wraps much longer with all the stuff going on around me. I really needed to talk to my daddy, because although he was nonchalant, he had always been the voice of reason.

  “Daddy, can I come over? I really need to talk.” I whined into the phone.

  “You don’t even have to ask. I’ll be here.” he said. We released the call, and I tried to get myself together before pulling off. An hour later, I was pulling up to Kingsland Inn. My father had packed up and moved to the south side with his new white wife. Me, personally, I had nothing against her, but my mother always called her a trailer trash, home wrecking whore. She hadn’t done a thing to me, so for the most part I was cordial. As long as she stayed in her lane and didn’t bother me, well I had no problem staying in mines.

  "Hey, Daddy. How you been doing?" I said, as soon as I walked through the door. My dad grabbed me in for a hug, and I felt like a little girl all over again. Whenever he was around, I felt so protected, and Renzo gave me that exact same feeling. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mother, but I was a daddy’s girl at heart.

  “I've been fine. How you been baby girl?” He asked after closing the door.

  “Is Michelle here?” I asked, before answering his question. True enough, I didn't have any problems with her, but I didn't want to talk my business in front of her. I didn't know her like that, nor was I trying to know her ass. I had a mother, and I was grown. I didn't need the next bitch playing stepmother.

  “No, she’s gone. What’s wrong? I can tell something is up with you.” He said, and again, I broke down. He held me until my crying spell was over. He didn’t even say anything, as he looked me in my eyes. He went into the kitchen and came back with a bottle of water. I took the water and drank a few sips before he begin to speak again.

  “Have you taken your medication Jessa?” I sighed. I knew the question was coming, and I was trying not to deal with the shit. I didn’t want drugs to control my life, but it seemed like that’s what was happening.

  “No, dad. I’m trying to wing away from that, but I guess you’re probably right. I should definitely take them” I said, pulling the medicine bottle from my purse. I took my pills, and instantly, I begin to calm down.

  “I hate that you have to go through that shit. Your mother is so damn selfish.” My dad fussed. I never really wanted to talk about it, but it was my truth.

  “Daddy, Renzo left me. He’s been gone for the past three months, and Raven has been staying with his mother. I can’t even be a good wife and a loving mother. I feel like a failure.” I said. My dad sighed before responding.

  “You need to just tell him the truth Jessa. I’m sure he would be a little more understanding if you told him why.”

  “How do I do that, Daddy? We have been together for years. I’m sure he’s gonna know why I hid it from him for so long.” I said.

  “Well, why did you hide it for so long? You all have been together for too long. Either that nigga can accept it and move forward, or he can move the fuck around.” My daddy said. I told y’all he was nonchalant, but I wanted things to work with my husband. I didn’t want him to move on with the next woman. I just needed him to understand that I came with a lot of baggage, but I wanted him to ride the wave out with me.

  “I love my husband, Daddy.”

  “And I loved your mother, but look what happened to you.” My father said. I knew right then and there the conversation was getting ready to go left, and I should’ve stopped it before it even got started, but my dad had always been the type to speak his mind.

  “Dad, don’t-”

  “Don’t my ass. You have to take medication for
the rest of your natural born life, because of some shit your mother never cared to share with me.” he yelled. Every time we talked about this, my father would become so upset. My uncle, my mother’s older brother, molested me when I was about four years old. I was so young I never understood what was going on, so I never said anything, but when I hit about seven, I knew that wasn’t something he should have been doing to me. When I went and told my mother, she cried like a baby. I was so confused as to why she was crying, and then she shared that he was still having her way with her. At around age eleven, I couldn’t take the shit no more. She could sit around and get pounded all day if she wanted to, but I didn’t like that shit. He had already taken my virginity. I couldn’t let him take my life as well.

  One day, I finally broke down and told my father. He was livid. He confronted my mother, and she tried to lie, but I told him my uncle was still having his way with her ass well. My father was so disgusted, but he did what any real man would’ve done, he went to the source. I would never forget that day. It was a very sad day for poor Uncle Henry.

  My father beat on the door until he opened it. My mother stood there silently with tears rolling down her face, and I stood there with a smirk, because I felt like he was getting everything he deserved. My uncle came and answered the door in a drunken stump, and he also had some lady in there.

  “Who’s she?” my mother asked. My father was furious when she let those words slip from her mouth.

  “The fuck you care about who the fuck this bitch is for? You jealous or something?” he asked, looking back and forth from my mother to my uncle. No one uttered a word, because I guess they were to scared to speak. My father was very tall and fit. I had never seen him that angry, but I wouldn’t want to be the one to feel his wrath.

  “So you taking sex from innocent children nigga? You a fucking pedophile and shit? You trying to make incest with your got damn sister and shit?” my father yelled. I knew better than to intervene, so I stood off to the side just watching it all unfold as my mother stood there with tears in her eyes. The lady began to ramble off at the mouth. My uncle thought it was funny for whatever reason, but the second he begin to laugh, my father two pieced him. He went down with ease, but my father didn’t stop. He beat that man until I saw blood, and even then, he didn’t stop. My mom tried to pry his hands off, but he wouldn’t stop. The cops came, and my father was arrested. My bitch ass uncle pressed charges, and my father had to do some time.

  While he was away, my mother tried counseling, but they put me on these meds that I hadn’t been able to get rid of. Somewhere between the age of four up until probably about age 12, I developed multiple personalities. That was the only way I felt like I was able to protect myself from people. If my mother sat there and allowed that shit to happen to me, then I figured the world wasn’t a safe place. The doctors called it Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I called it crazy. I begin to get angry about shit and took it out on whoever or whatever I could. I became a problem child, and by the time daddy came home from jail, I was way too gone. Him and my mother would argue about any and everything, from finances to me, and each time the argument was over, there was another one the very next day.

  My dad decided to get a second opinion, and that doctor said the same thing, but this time, he gave me a higher dosage. If you ask me, that was one of the main reasons momma and daddy split, but neither of them would ever say. I don’t think my dad ever forgave my mother for withholding such valuable information.

  Up until the last year or so, I was able to function with it, but about a year ago, they changed the medication, and it would have me feeling sick and making my hair thin, so I stopped taking it, but that was also causing other issues. That was one of the main reasons I couldn’t and didn’t want to deal with Raven, because I didn’t want to hurt my baby. I did love her, but I wasn’t stable enough to care for her without her father around. She was too hyper, and she made my nerves bad, but Renzo didn’t know that, because he didn’t even know that I was sick. No one knew that besides my dad and my mother, and my mother didn’t even know I was still taking the medication; only my father knew about that.

  “You need to talk to your husband Jessa. I know you don’t want to, but you need to. You owe it to him to be honest with that man.”

  “Daddy, he filed for divorce three months ago, and I think he’s dating someone else. I don’t know what to do.” I cried.

  “I’m so sorry, baby girl, but if it’s your family you want, you need to fight for it. You have his last name and you are wearing the ring. You don’t have to agree to the divorce. Go before the judge and tell them you want to try marriage counseling first.” My dad said. We sat there and talked for the longest. We talked about the old days, and he laced me up on some of the new things he was working on. He wasn’t negative, and he actually made me feel a little better about things. While I was there, I received a phone call. As soon as I hung up the phone, my dad was staring me up and down.

  “Well.”

  “I guess it’s now or never daddy. Thank you so much for everything. I love you.” I said before gathering my things to leave.

  “I love you more baby girl, and don’t you ever forget that.” my dad said, as he stood up to give me hug. I knew, if nobody else had me, my daddy did.

  Chapter 19

  Jacob

  “Thank you for coming to get your boy.”

  “No problem; just know your ass owes me big time.” Myeshia said. After that fight I had with Renee’s bitch ass brother, that hoe Renee had the audacity to leave me in jail for weeks. That bitch didn’t take a single call nor did she put a dime on my books. I talked to her at her moms, and that bitch tried to tell me that she was done, but I wasn’t trying to hear that shit. How the fuck was she done all of a sudden? I had invested two years with her ass, and it was no way in hell we was over before we even started. She could kiss those thoughts goodbye.

  “I got you baby. I promise I do.” I said. I called Myeshia, and surprisingly, she came through. It took me a minute to get her number, because those bitch ass cops did not want to release my property so that I could get the shit out of my phone. It’s not like I could call my mother or father, so she was the last resort. She had to be the most desperate chick in America, because it was no way in hell would I have done the same for her. Damn, now I gotta fuck this bitch, I thought to myself.

  “You better.” She said, as she begin to drive from downtown. I first needed to figure out where the fuck my car was, so I really didn’t want to go too far just in case they had it impounded downtown. I knew they had my shit towed, because I was sitting in the back of the damn police car when the damn tow truck came. I don’t know why Renee insisted on making everything more complicated than it needed to be, but for whatever reason, she did.

  “Drop me off to my grandmother’s, and I’ll catch up to you later.” I said.

  “You want me to stay so that I can help you figure it out.”

  “Nah, I got it girl. Go ahead and get yourself some rest. You will need it later.” I said.

  “Let me take us a picture, because I missed you just that much.” She said. She wanted to take a selfie. Fuck it, I let her ass take the selfie. I was just trying to get her ass out the way so that I could figure out what the fuck was going on. I walked into the house, and my grandmother came and grabbed me for hug. She was the number one lady in my life.

  “Hey, baby, I’ve been worried sick about you. You were locked up, huh?” she said, as soon as she let go of our embrace. I couldn’t lie to her, so I kept it real.

  “Yes, ma’am. Over there messing with Renee, her people got me locked up.”

  “I knew it. That’s the only time you don’t come back. You got to stop that mess Jacob. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

  “I’m good, Momma.” I said. I called her momma, because she was the one who raised me. I actually called my mother by her real name. I didn’t have much respect for her and my father, but I had all the
respect in the world for my grandmother and my papa.

  “Let me see the computer real quick. I need to make a few calls.” I said. My first call was to my job, and that was a damn mess.

  “Jacob, you didn’t call in for a week straight, so we had to remove you from the system. No one called and told us anything.” They said into the phone. I felt myself getting angry so I took a few deep breaths before responding.

  “Chris, I called and left a message on the voicemail. No one received the message?”

  “Nope, we didn’t get a message Jacob, and we filled your position two days ago man. You can come back, but you’ll be on the floor and your pay won’t be the same.” He said. This nigga couldn’t be serious right now. I was two seconds away from going smooth the fuck off.

  “What would the pay difference be?”

  “Fifty thousand yearly.” He said. I had to laugh at that shit, but when I realized I was the only one laughing, I knew he was dead ass serious. This was a fucking joke right now though. That was over half of my previous salary. How in the hell did they suppose I could live off of that bullshit.

  “Are you serious Chris? Come on, man. I need my job.” I said.

  “Sorry, Jacob. We just filled the position, and that’s all we have left. You can do that for a little while, and if something else comes along, then we will train you for that, but as of right now, that’s all we have.” He said. I told him I would contact him tomorrow morning as I sat there pissed off, because I had lost a good paying ass job. Somebody was going to pay for this shit, and that was truth.

  I called around looking for my car, and I finally found it after an hour of searching. It was at this tow yard off of I45 and Airline. I had been there a time of two before, and I couldn’t stand those bitches, because they were so money hungry up in there. They was always trying to hike prices up. Those bitches told me it was going to be three stacks to get my car out. I went by the bank, withdrew the funds, and went to get my car. My grandfather dropped me off, and luckily, the people didn’t give me a hard time. After getting in my car, I drove home to more bad news. There was a fucking eviction notice attached to my door.